My Iyas, my Ken, I’m sorry that I had to crush you and your hopes upon us, your willingness and effort, your time and your pure heart, I’m sorry that I have taken you for granted, and letting you down from all my mistakes. It was mine to begin with, I couldn’t be honest around you, and I chose to kept this secret to myself, but maybe the time will come where I’ll be able to come clean and let you know about it myself! I hope the time that I’ll able to face you again, you will no longer be hued in sorrow and loneliness, you deserve such love that I couldn’t even give to you, my dear.

It feels heavy these days, Ken. It’s draining, it’s suffocating, with the weight I have to carry in my body, it’s hard. I wish I could have tell you earlier but as soon as you said you don’t desire me any longer, I feel like I have no purpose to continue my life again, even here, now. It hurts so much, I can’t take this pain away, and my only medicine is no longer here to comfort me.

But I want to let you know too that it has been wonderful that I get to experience many things around me, I get to learn what I’m passionate with, I get to go abroad even if the purposes are not for holiday stuff, I’m so happy, despite the circumstances that I’m facing with today.

I’m so happy that I get to know you too, Ken. I’m so grateful. You were my willingness to continue fight for myself, and you still are until today, you made my heart felt so full, and this time not in a painful way at all. I’m so happy to see you healthy, to see you thriving. I heard that you’re getting better to get over things behind of our past, I’m so glad. Because now when I think of it again, I really have no burden anymore, and I won’t have to be your burden anymore.

It’s so lonely here, Ken, it’s so cold, but I hope you’re in a better place than I do. I’ll never be in that state, especially without you around. But you, you showed me an incomparable strength and spirit that you are able to go through everything without me, I’m really relieved for this.

Ken, I miss you and I’m sorry. I love you and it remains unchanged. Life’s not the static grey dullness I thought because of your presence in my life. Even just for a moment. Well, I might be a moment for you, but you’re my everything. My greatest joy. I love you, I’ll always do. Even if (maybe, let’s hope that I’ll nail it!) I might depart from here, know that my love will always be with you until the end of time.

Blithely yours,

Lilith Ann.