Feedback to Leads 1 by Patricia Stark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv Made with magic en-us 2020-09-11 21:22:24 UTC 2020-09-14 23:51:33 UTC hello@padlet.com Hi _____, I think that both versions would work and have significant differences in effect on the reader. The difference is in the tone of the work.Perhaps this is a cautionary opinion based article on the dangers of driving too fast, and the shock of the man dying so soon after death would be a great hook for the readers. It is equally feasible, that someone might see this addition to the headline and think that it is deeply insensitive- to the recently deceased- to be perhaps be mocking him on hurrying to his wedding. The only thing that I might think would drive someone to perhaps not include the wedding part is the fact that it perhaps makes the article more oddity rather than impact- I also have a bit of an absurdist outlook on things so take this with a grain of salt. Both work great for different reasons. pdstark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/741262684  ]]> 2020-09-12 21:18:03 UTC https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/741262684 Hi ___! Like mentioned above I'm using the lead checklist to review your lead. The first thing I noticed was it's long (not under 30 words), however, you could use the other lines for the article. A lead is just a line and not several lines. I think "past week" can come off as passive and maybe it would be better to have Alameda Park or the Bats be the at the beginning of the sentence. Also, "has become" is passive as well. A suggestion: "Alameda Park becomes home to thousands of bats, after..." I changed "become" to be active. pdstark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745877526 2020-09-14 21:24:19 UTC https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745877526 Hi ___, using the lead checklist, I noticed you placed your actor "subject" in the beginning of your sentence. There is some passive tense going on at the end of the lead. It's best to make sure the tense is active because you want to be clear and direct. Instead if "being charged," you can just say "charged." Your lead is perfectly under 30 words! Rereading the story on the facts sheet, it would make more sense if the body was hidden in her car truck, however, it was "hidden in a trunk in a locked room in the basement of her home." Either way I think the story would explain more details about the lead, just good to make sure it lines up with it. pdstark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745879509 2020-09-14 21:25:25 UTC https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745879509 Hi ____! I really like the words you chose to summarize this article and I think you did a good job on highlighting the important aspects of it but I noticed that you used 51 words, which is a little more than we were supposed to. I did a little bit of editing and came up with the following lead regarding the article you chose: "No more picnics allowed on Alameda Park: pavillions closed due to excessive bats on the area that could lead to risk of rabies in case of one-on-one encounters."I also tried working with the words you used and came up with:"Alameda Park has been shut down for the foreseeable future due to an increase in bats at the park that could lead to risk of rabies" pdstark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745881966 2020-09-14 21:26:36 UTC https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745881966 It seems to me that, you didn’t grab one of the 5 lead post that were due throughout the week. And you didn’t post it on the discussion post! I wish I could’ve read one of them. pdstark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745882867 2020-09-14 21:27:07 UTC https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745882867 Hi ___! You did a good job putting the subject at the beginning of your sentence and writing concisely. Revisiting this article, I noticed it was a very complicated story, and I think it would require using as many of the 30 words that you are given as possible. I would suggest trying to add that the boy was arrested for slapping the girl, and the charges were dropped. pdstark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745884623 2020-09-14 21:28:11 UTC https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745884623 Hi ____! Going off the lead checklist, I appreciate your lively word choice. However, I would try to concise your writing, as a lead is supposed to be one sentence and under 30 words. Try using the most important information first. I would also suggest putting the subject (Alameda Park) at the beginning of the sentence for a more active voice. For example, Alameda Park became home to thousands of bats this past week, forcing the park to shut down pavilions. pdstark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745885802 2020-09-14 21:28:50 UTC https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745885802 Hi ___, I found this story be be tough to keep it non sensational and I think you did a really good job sticking with the facts. For myself I wanted to keep talking about vampires and despite that being a lead that would make people giggle, the serious tone of your lead would definitely open more eyes and be more beneficial to the public who is reading about their local park. pdstark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745888313 2020-09-14 21:30:27 UTC https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745888313 Hi_____, I like your post but I see a mistake. I am guilty of making the same mistake too. Although two sentences seems better, the lead needs to be one and fewer than 30 words or so. Like Ms. Stark said in her video, it is easy to do multiple sentences, one sentence takes time and precision. pdstark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745889338 2020-09-14 21:31:04 UTC https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745889338 Hey ____I thought you could've added more information on the number two lead. Also your lead is only fourteen words. pdstark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745892717 2020-09-14 21:33:14 UTC https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/745892717 I too toyed around with different variations before settling on one. First off, I think you hit most of the marks with the social security one. Pretty much all of the major points of interest are touched on in the first sentence. You would also definitely want to mention the fact that the body was hid in a trunk in a basement for 20 years too, but I’m assuming that’s in the rest of your paragraph.Same goes with the softball field one too. Good job capturing the reason and the cost. Again, it’s good to mention the specifics of why the ruling was made, with the disparity of resources and all, but yeah. pdstark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/746080646 2020-09-14 23:50:23 UTC https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/746080646 Good job highlighting the specific absurdity of the situation while still remaining objective. I thought it was also important to mention the fact that the boy’s mother was pursuing charges in response, but the eye-catching part of the story is there and what counts.Also, on a personal note and as a returning student as well, I’m still settling in and relearning certain academic processes and trying to do my best. Happy to work with you and collaborate. We got this 🤜. pdstark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/746081268 2020-09-14 23:50:51 UTC https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/746081268 Hello Jonah, This was a very good summary lead for the social security scandal lead. Some other good elements you can consider using when creating this lead is the interest value of oddity by bringing attention to how long the mother was able to commit this scandal. Maybe something like "Federal investigators discover divorced mother has been collecting social security checks from deceased grandmother 20 years after her death to support her children." pdstark https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/746082264 2020-09-14 23:51:33 UTC https://padlet.com/pdstark/zg0wh5388y4jp5iv/wish/746082264