Body Paragraph Feedback by Marisa Pribnow https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h 1. Put your First and Last Name AND Topic 2. Copy and paste the paragraph you believe needs the most assistance/feedback 3. Describe to me what you are specifically struggling/would like to me look at (aka refrain from saying, "Read it, and tell me if it's good.") en-us 2018-12-12 14:39:17 UTC 2018-12-13 21:59:38 UTC hello@padlet.com Lexi Rodgers- Animal Testing https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/313858934 Animal testing is unnecessary. There are way more types of tests researchers can use to figure out what makes a good makeup product not irritate the skin. When you were little, did you ever play in your mother's makeup? If so, think about the products you used. Lipstick? blush? eye shadow? Well at the time you  probably didn’t know what animal testing is. “Cosmetics are products that are applied to the skin to enhance a person's appearance.” Cosmetics are unnecessary products women and men use to cover impurities, or to enhance their looks. Not only are millions of people wasting their money their buying a product that has been or still is using animals to test them.
i know i can add more, do you have any ideas?
***Lexi, this is a great start to your body paragraph! I love your example you provide; however, I am searching for the connection between animal testing and your life. Instead of asking the audience if they played with their mother's makeup, consider discussing your experiences with this story. Also, I think your quote may not be the best supporting piece of evidence. Is there a statistic that shows the amount of makeup that is animal testing? If you can find a statistic that supports your awesome explanation, I think you may answer the question you asked. Let me know your thoughts!***
]]> 2018-12-12 14:49:17 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/313858934 Paris-Technology is not beneficial https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/313859083 A lot of teenagers are being bullied because they spend a lot of time on their cell phones. In other words, they use their phones constantly. Teenagers hurt themselves or are depressed because they are being judged for who they are or who they choose to be. “Over 33 percent of students between 12 and 17 were victims of cyberbullying during their lifetime. students who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender are especially vulnerable to cyber bullies.” This quote(s) means a lot of people who are being bullied are likely to be gay which means a boy that chooses to be with another boy as in love and  lesbian, meaning; girls who date other girls instead of men. In addition, other kinds of people who choose to be bisexual;liking both men and women and transgender;changing your gender, the way you look(man/woman), are also likely to be judged and hurt/bullied. This quote shows that if there was no technology, then people would not judge others more than if there was no technology. For instance, if you are a girl and you choose to be transgender, and you have social media apps, then you are likely to post pictures of yourself. With that being said, that is how people will bully you more, with comments and sending each other your pictures to hurt you. Approximately two years ago, my ex-best friend posted a picture of herself just with her bra on her account that was public, and she got embarrassed because a lot of boys started judging her.

-I do not know if the beginning and all the other stuff in this paragraph is straight-forward or not?

***Paris, this body paragraph is so close! Your topic sentence and quote make perfect sense! However, when you make the detailed switched into talking about different sexual orientations, the focus/reason of your paragraph becomes distracted. Instead of going in depth regarding different kinds of people who get bullied, try keeping it very general so the focus is on bullying. Let me know your thoughts!***

]]> 2018-12-12 14:49:30 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/313859083 Madleen Maroo- College education should be free 409830 https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/313859155 In addition, making college free will prevent the debt on students, because of student-loans. Students that study at public colleges can get a loan from a financial institution, with the time that becomes debt on students. My sister’s friend Farida got a loan from a bank, and now after her graduation she works, and pays off her loan, each month she pays three hundred dollars, last year we traveled to Chicago to attend a concert, we asked her to come with us, but she couldn’t afford it, because she has to pay off her debt. “With $1.3 trillion in student loans, Americans are carrying more student debt than credit card or auto-loan debt. That's a tragedy for our young people and for our nation.” (Public college should be free). The quote shows that now, in the United States there is 1.3 trillion dollars debt as student loans. That is a big deals, students don’t get to experience life as they want, they can't afford travelling, buying houses, and cars, they can’t have fun as humans being, and that affects them a lot. This is also bad for the country as whole, because it affects the economy pretty much.

Can you check if I have everything that should be there?
***Madleen, this paragraph is solid! The only part I would like to see you omit the part where you state, "The quote shows that now.." This part is a little redundant, so free to take it out. Also, I would love to see you expand on your explanation. What does "fun" mean?
]]> 2018-12-12 14:49:38 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/313859155 Michael ( School Uniforms) https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/313859349 We American have spend almost $1 billion on uniforms that we can’t even pay for what we own to other country. I think that we spend so much money on useless things that we could have spend it on better things like better school item, pay the teacher well, and even have better lunch. I think that we can spend the money useful. We spend so much money that we don’t care about other things. (Procon.org) it said that, “Americans spend around $1 billion on school uniforms every year. In one year alone, uniform company Lands' End spent $3 million on marketing efforts directed at public schools and districts.” This is why I think that teacher are not pay enough money to do their work and how we just throwing the money on some crazy uniforms and not better using the money to do other things.

***Michael, this is a great start to your body paragraph! However, what are some questions/concerns you have about this paragraph? Once you have solidified your concerns, then I would be happy to provide you with feedback. Let me know your thoughts!***


]]> 2018-12-12 14:49:59 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/313859349 Brandon Blair (Pro-immigrants) https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/313859431 To many Americans, immigrants are way different people than Americans, they see that they have nothing in common with them and they will never be true American citizens. Shocking enough, most americans are Immigrants, America was founded by a bunch of immigrants that wanted to find a better life in America. So how can Americans say that they have nothing in common with people who were them in the starting time of America. From the article ¨ The Great IMMIGRATION Debate¨ it states that ¨ In 1776, most Americans were immigrants, or the descendants of immigrants, from the British Isles. The majority were white Anglo-Saxon Protestants who came in search of economic opportunity or to escape religious or political persecution¨. How can Americans say that they have nothing in common with Immigrants even if they used to be immigrants themselves. Most immigrants from Mexico only want to come to the US because they want to have a better ¨...economic opportunity...¨ and a lot of them ¨ escape religious or political persecution¨ in their country. So it seems like immigrants and americans have many things in common, so why can't americans see this.

***Brandon, this is a great start to your body paragraph! However, what are some questions/concerns you have about this paragraph? Once you have solidified your concerns, then I would be happy to provide you with feedback. Let me know your thoughts!***]]> 2018-12-12 14:50:07 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/313859431 Naw - cigarettes smoking are bad for people 287114 https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055093 Cigarettes are make out of millions of bad ingredients. Cigarettes are make out of bad chemicals that can harm your body. “Hydrogen cyanide- This chemical prevents your lungs from clearing out toxins.” (Hoheb, Marisa. "Deadly mix. (Substance Abuse)." Scholastic Choices, Jan. 2003, p. 10+. Student Resources In Context, http://link.galegroup.com/apps/doc/A96675859/SUIC?u=linc55632&sid=SUIC&xid=36af899f. Accessed 29 Nov. 2018.) Why would anyone want to eat hydrogen cyanide that bad for human body. This quotes support my topic because it give one of the bad chemical that are in cigarettes. People should not eat bad chemical because it can harm the lung. Hydrogen cyanide prevents lungs from cleaning out toxins! We need our lungs to take out bad things out so we could survive longer. (I am not sure if I have a good explanation?

***Naw, this body paragraph is effective and relatable! Your quote is accurate, and the explanation you create is insightful and critical. I would love for your to go back to your body paragraph notes to be reminded of the guidelines for topic sentence and example. I recommend using the sentence starter for topic sentence from the notes to guide your sentence. Also, how can we personalize the example and tell a story about this reason in action? Is there an experience/observation you have made about seeing this reason in real life? Let me know your thoughts!***  ]]> 2018-12-12 21:03:39 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055093 Abortion accessibility- Moxie Steele https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055211 Bodily autonomy is an important thing to have, and a thing many people do have, and yet, every day, we are taking steps backwards by taking away rights that would further help our cases.  You dont see laws being passed stating that men can’t get condoms, yet laws are being proposed and passed that make is hard for women to get birth control. There arent any laws that men must marry their sexaul assaulter, and yet, in some states in the US, women are by law, forced to marry the person that assaulted them. Piercings and tattoos aren’t illegal, nor is dyeing your hair.  So why are abortions becoming as such?

“A woman, they argue, has the right to determine the number and spacing of her children. They also contend that access to safe and legal abortion is a human right and that forcing women to undergo illegal or unsafe abortions represents a threat to their health and life.” The less easily accessible abortions are, the more people will perform the process themselves, which can be potentially fatal. Like the prohibition taught us, making the selling and purchasing of alcohol will just make more people buy and sell it in secret. If that’s true for alcohol, imagine how it’ll be for abortions, “coat hanger abortions” are extremely dangerous, and pose a threat for infection, permanent scarring, or not working at all. 

***Moxie, this body paragraph has great strengths! You explanation and quote are relevant and understandable. I would love for some clarification in your topic sentence and examples. For example, consider making your reason obvious in a direct statement so your reader can follow closely along with what is happening next. Also, consider keeping your example focused. For example, the comparison between condoms and birth control was accurate and truthful. However, the portion of discussion regarding marrying assaulters gets a little off topic from the idea of readily available abortions. Please be sure that the analogies you create and discuss are accurate and relatable. Consider revision in this portion of your body paragraph. Let me know your thoughts!***

]]> 2018-12-12 21:04:00 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055211 Lah Paw - Why money can't buy happiness https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055255 Happiness is only temporary with money, This is because happiness is gained by the things you do for others and for yourself emotionally and physically as a person and not just gained buy a piece of paper that we call money. Here’s a little story explaining my reason, There was a family who bought everything they wanted because they had a ton amount of money, if the daughter was sad or upset that the brother got something nice the dad would give her hundreds of dollars for her to buy whatever she wanted to make her happy. Her happiness lasted for a while until one day her friend had dragged her to a soup kitchen one fall to help serve the people in need and after that day she saw how money is not always a source of happiness and you can share your happiness with other people around you by showing them that there is so many ways to make someone happy without money.“Everyone has different things that make them happy, but there are some things that universally bring joy.” this is something I got from choices/current health, And I agree with this quote because It’s true when it says that happiness can come from many other things and everyone has different ways of getting that happiness not only that but money is ok to be spent to make others happy or treat yourself but what It is trying to say is that it does not always bring happiness. 
***Lah, this is an insightful body paragraph! Your quote is knowledgeable and your story is brilliant! Your topic sentence is also straightforward. I would recommend taking the second sentence of this paragraph and putting it inside of your explanation. This way you can jump right into your example/telling of a story. Also, please feel free to omit the phrase "Here's a little story explaining my reason." As your reader, I am going to understand that your story will somehow support your reason; therefore, there's no need to explicitly state it. Also, please be sure your explanation does not repeat what was said in your quote. The explanation needs to add another layer of critical thinking to the discussion to help build off the baseline quote. Let me know your thoughts!***
]]> 2018-12-12 21:04:09 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055255 Joselin- Smoke shouldn't be for young people. https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055262 Several parents see that a cigarette in their kids’ hands is something normal as they thought when they were young too. Parents that smoke are allowing kids under 6 years old to smoke. As we know this is illegal but these kind of parents don’t care about laws. They believe that what they do is a positive thing to do, so their kids can do it too. Sometimes the kids are non smokers but they are secondhand smoke from their parents this cause about 3,000 deaths from lung cancer and then thousands of deaths from heart  disease . Kids love to be with their parents but if they are smokers, it might cause their death be close to them. 
***Joselin, the barebones of your essay are here! However, I am searching for a bit more organization and clarity into seeing the four components of a body paragraph. Please refer back to your body paragraph notes we took yesterday to see really strong examples and descriptions for each component of the body paragraph. Especially pay attention to the sentence starter formula for a topic sentence and the quote part. Once you have these two components, you will be on your way to a successful body paragraph! Please let me know if you have any questions!***

]]> 2018-12-12 21:04:10 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055262 Ahmed Hayder--- Marijuana Legalization https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055277 For some reason I feel like its similar to the first one, and I just don't feel good about this-------------Country’s criminal justice system, being encumbered by the prosecution and punishment of marijuana offenders. Another personal example was when, my friend and I had an argument about marijuana and how we talked back and forth and had different opinions. Then it came to my mind, that if marijuana was legal serious crimes would slowly start to reduce. But, he disagreed with me. Which was fine, because we had our own opinions.  “A 2005 study showed that marijuana accounted for nearly half of all drug arrests in the United States, at an annual cost of approximately $4 billion. The same study found that 25 percent of people incarcerated on marijuana convictions were “low-level offenders;” that is, that they were jailed for the possession or distribution of relatively small amounts of the drug.” If marijuana were legal the government would save billions of dollars, and could spend it on, military equipments, and other laws. A drug that could have a really good effects on the world, it’s illegal and the government is paying billions of dollars for its laws, and it’s not any help to anyone, and anything. 

***Ahmed, your explanation and quote are FANTASTIC! Your quote is relevant and links directly up with your reason. It might be beneficial to list directly what else that money could go towards. Have you thought about education? Health care? Explore your options and provide a variety of organizations that would positively benefit from this money instead of drug arrests from marijuana. Please clarify your topic sentence by using the sentence structure provided in our body paragraph notes from yesterday. This will provide clarity to your reader so they understand exactly where they are at in your essay. Also, I love that you mention your argument; however, keep it focused on the topic. I could feel the topic being switched to the idea that having different opinions is acceptable. Keep it focused on the argument/reason. Let me know your thoughts!***]]> 2018-12-12 21:04:14 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055277 Salvador Diaz-DeBose - Males in Dance https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055455 Finally, times are changing and so are gender roles. Dance shouldn’t just be for girls anymore. By now in this day in age there should no be any discrimination on who dances, men and women can do whatever they want. “Male isn't the weaker sex now; with better training and more work, men are beginning to make their presence felt in an art that's long been ruled by women.” - The New York Times. This basically further explains that dance is slowly becoming more inclusive and it can’t be more amazing. Even though there is still a stigma of dance in people’s minds, some don’t change, but if at least some people could realize that dance isn’t girlish this problem wouldn’t be as massive. This year I tried out for my dance team at my high school, It was a team full of females. I love it ,couldn’t be happier to be on the team with them, but it is weird to not see more males on the team or to have not be such a prized possession when there is a male on the team. My school’s newspaper wrote a full article about me being “The Male Pomalink” it is very informative on the topic, but I can’t wait for the day when a male doesn’t praised and it’s just normal. Hopefully one day males will just be referred to as “Pomalinks” instead of “Male Pomalinks”. I’m not ungrateful for the article though, I talked very in depth about this topic and what I thought about it, I’m glad to see an effort to change the mindset of these high school students through this article. 

***Sal, this paragraph is so effective and personalized! I appreciate it so much! I would love to see you reorganize it a bit more, though. Instead of talking about your personal experience with the Pomalinks after the quote, talk about it before. Your quote should not be the shining star, you should be with your "introduce example" statement. Also, be careful at the end to avoid tangents. The essay switches from being an argument to an article review very quickly when you begin to talk about the article a little too much. Definitely use and reference the LHS Advocate article; however, keep your topic focused and use information to supplement your examples and reason. Let me know your thoughts!***

]]> 2018-12-12 21:04:47 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055455 Zach Lane --- LGBT Rights https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055532  The advancements of the LGBT movements have been improving. About a million baby steps have been made to get us to where we are today. We need a giant leap. A leap towards the future. The only way we can go is up. As of right now, it is extremely difficult for a same-sex couple to adopt a child. Now with that being said, they can’t just get pregnant. They have to put up a huge fight. In some cases, it is almost impossible.  According to an article from the New York Times “States like South Dakota, have laws that create religious exemptions for adoption providers, allowing agencies to refuse to place children in circumstances that violate the groups’ religious beliefs.”
Some places would rather a child not have a family than be raised by a same sex couple. A woman could get pregnant and then leave her child alone and neglect her own child and that is a real scenario. But a gay/ lesbian couple that would take care and have to put up a battle just to have the opportunity to have a child like anyone else.

i just feel like this doesnt sound right
***Zach, you have all the necessary parts of your body paragraph; however, we just need to restructure it and organize it so it is clear and upfront. For example, you have multiple sentences before you introduce the reason for promoting LGBT rights. I would suggest omitting those sentences and directly starting with your reason of LGBT parents and adoption rights. This will make it clearer to the reader where we are at! Also, right after the topic sentence, tell a short story of an observation of this reason in action. Where have you experienced it/seen it? Also, I would love to see you take the quote you have and explain it just a little bit further. What does religious exemptions mean? Bring some clarity to this. Please refer back to your body paragraph notes for examples and tips on how to create these solid components of a body paragraph. Let me know if you have questions!***

]]> 2018-12-12 21:05:03 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055532 Gloria Gonzalez- Using Cell Phones While Driving https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055595 When people use their cell phones while they’re driving, and they forget about road signs.  My sister-in-law used to use her phone while she drove. One time I was with her, she was driving and texting at the same time. When we were a little bit far from the traffic light, the light was still on green but, she was so into her phone that  when she realized, it was too late, the light was on yellow. She didn’t have time to stop, so she sped the car even more. My heart was beating  really fast because  I thought we were going to get hit by another car. “Texting while driving may be especially risky because it involves three types of driver distraction: visual, manual, and cognitive.” People get completely concentrated on their phones and lose their attention on the wheel. When people are driving and using their phone at the same time they don’t look at the road, they take their hands off the wheel, maybe not both hands at the time, but they can lose control in about seconds. And  their attention is on their phones. When someone is driving they have a great responsibility on their hands, mostly if there are kids in the car. When people have their attention on their phones, they might forget to stop, on a stop sign or they won’t realize a traffic light and it might be on red. And by the they realize, it might be too late. 

 Can you tell me if it's good or not? please....

***Gloria, this is a strong body paragraph! Your story is descriptive and effective. Be sure to reiterate and discuss within the story that your sister was distracted manually, visually, and cognitively. This will help link everything together. Also, your explanation shows your thorough thought process. I appreciate that you took it to the next level and brought kids into the picture. This is layered very nicely! Well done, Gloria!***
]]> 2018-12-12 21:05:19 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314055595 Landyn Bish- Importance of education https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314117229 Skills and knowledge you learn in education are necessary to function daily. Writing is for when you need to get a job and fill out an application or write a letter to someone across the world. Science is needed so that when using cleaning supplies you don't blow up your house because you combined the wrong chemical. These are just two things that we need school for. “Emphasis was on the skills and knowledge needed to conduct one’s daily affairs within the community, including technical skills such as hunting, cooking, weaving, and pottery, as well as cultural knowledge…”  A child that is interested in learning will keep the information with them forever. They will use the information to connect with the people around them and change how their world is forming. Education is important because everyone needs to learn the skills necessary to survive and progress in our advanced world. 


I want to know if everything flows and makes sense and what else I could add  
***Landyn, this body paragraph is very effective! Your quote is eloquent! I would like to see you personalize your example just a tad bit more. It seems a bit too generic, right off the bat. What skills/concepts have you learned in English and Science would you say are applicable to functioning on a daily basis? I would love to see your explanation statement return back to your reason just a tad bit more. For a second, it seems as if you go on a tangent about the importance of enjoying learning. How does your quote help support your reason? Why is this quote essential to your argument? Take the concepts of hunting and cooking (for example) to the next level, to show that these skills are used everyday. Let me know your thoughts!***
]]> 2018-12-13 03:28:47 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314117229 Arya Ebrahimi (pd: 8) Will robots get to replace people at their jobs? https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314444157 Unemployment for most of the people. When robots replace humans, most of the people will be unemployed. Government will use something faster and stronger, without even thinking how bad could it affect on people. When more and more people are thrown out of work unemployment results. If people thrown out of their jobs, it means something newer and more advanced has founded that government wants to replace them with human being. Humans will not live longer.Humans need to exercise, and be active to live longer, but without working we have no money, without money we have no food, so we don´t get any energy thats make human's life shorter. How and where we can find a work to avoid this problem. Human crave knowledge, and when that craving ends. We are no longer human.Human being is living for thinking, knowledge, and new ideas, but what happens when we don´t think or get more knowledge, our brain will be destroyed. How are we going to do it, who is going to build robots? For building robots and machines, it takes lots of money and work to build them.
Neuroscience over the next 50 years is going to introduce things that are mind-blowing.
Humans brain will be developed for next 50 years and the human´s idea could change everything in the world. Differences between humans and robots. 
People are full of ideas, and nothing has the power that our brain has. We are different than others that's what makes us human being. 
We're human beings; we're not robots. And face-to-face contact is something totally different than typing a text message and then forgetting about it.
If you meet people in person, shake his/her hand, and feel the eye contact, it feels so alive than using robots to talk to them and not having the chance to feel that energy.
-------------------------------------------------------
Is this a good body paragraph?
should I add more details? 
***Arya, I think you have the barebones here in your essay! However, I struggling to find the anchor for your paragraph. What is the specific reason that you are talking about this in paragraph? Stick with one reason. Also, please be reminded of the structure of a body paragraph. Keep in mind you need a topic sentence, personal example, quote and citation, and explanation of quote. The example seems a little bit scatterbrained. Think about what your reason is and create a personal example that shows the reason in action in your life. Also, please do not forget the quote. Let me know your thoughts!***
]]> 2018-12-13 19:49:02 UTC https://padlet.com/mpribnow/ze79njsi3g0h/wish/314444157