• Increasing parental presence

• Structure and routine

• Window of tolerance and emotional co-regulation 

• Low demand parenting

• Making accommodations and building skills

• Reducing competition between children

One thing these approaches have in common is they are not about fixing your child and their relationships with their siblings. As Heidi Mavis says 'your child is not broken'. Instead they are about adapting the world around brothers and sisters to allow them to flourish. Many of these ideas have relevance to more than one parenting lens. Don't worry too much about which lens you are using but rather whether or not it leads to a more harmonious family life. Keep in mind that these approaches work sometimes and not others. Don’t necessarily give up after one apparent failure. It might help next time. Stay curious. 

It is important to try to give children your full attention when you can. It can be hard when one child demands a lot of your time. Your other child/ren might feel the need to “be seen” in bigger ways to get your attention or they may retreat to their own space. Where there is conflict in a family, parents and siblings may avoid each other and find they are spending less and less time together. Time together may be fraught or explosive. In these circumstances it is even more important to try to carve out some quality time even through simple things like watching a favourite tv programme together. 

When parenting brothers and sisters you may need to give more thought to which activities can be done together as a family and which require a one-to-one between you and your child. Again this can be tricky when you are parenting more than one child and you may need support from a partner, family member or service to make this possible. 

Sue, a kinship carer said:

“When the kids were younger things could get fraught and high energy if we were all together all weekend. We found that organising “special time” when each child would get the full attention of one parent worked well. Even doing simple things like a bus ride or going for an ice-cream made them feel special.” 

It can also be helpful to think about small ways to be present even when children are not with you or need their own space. Perhaps:

• send them a text;

• leave them a note; or

•  take them their favourite snack/drink.

One alternative approach that can be helpful for some children in order to create relational safety is a low demand parenting approach. Low demand does not mean being overly permissive or surrendering all control to your children. Rather it involves warm encouragement and using a more collaborative and flexible approach to parenting while avoiding unrealistic expectations or excessively rigid rules. Instead of 'control' think 'structure, safety and boundaries'. This is not an easy style to take on but you may notice positive results.

One of the suggestions from this literature is to avoid saying 'no' to struggling children. This doesn't mean saying yes to everything but does mean avoiding an outright no. Think about how you feel when you ask for something and someone says no. This might be anything from mild disappointment to intense irritation. As regulated adults we manage these feelings and move on. When children's mental wellbeing is fragile these feelings are more difficult to control and an outright no can trigger feelings of panic and rejection. Instead try something a little more left field like saying "what brought this to mind?", "what were you hoping to do with X?" When children are impulsive they may feel convinced they need this thing right here right now but some adult attention, a snack or a cuddle may meet the need just as well.

Another term you may come across in relation to low demand parenting is the use of 'declarative language'. This is simply the use of comments and statements to communicate what you know, think or observe in order to engage your child, to raise their awareness of things around them and their feelings and to help them to problem solve. These types of statements feel different to our usual style of telling children what to do or asking them lots of questions which can feel like demands. Examples of declarative statements could include:

"It's raining outside, I think I'll take a jacket" as a prompt for your child to pick up their coat.

"I wonder if you need anything else in your school bag before we leave" as a prompt to remember the lunchbox in the fridge.

Routines and predictability can be very helpful, especially for children who struggle with change and transitions. It may be helpful to use “when-then” statements: e.g. “when we finish dinner then we can play with the dog”

Parents can play an important role in helping children to stay within their 'window of tolerance'. It can be difficult to calm a child who is already in distress and their distress is likely to be upsetting for their brothers and sisters. Instead try to build in regulating activities for brothers and sisters throughout the day – think proactive rather than reactive. It is also important that parents pay attention to their own window of tolerance and things that can trigger hyperarousal or shut down for them. A dysregulated parent cannot help a dysregulated child. 

Activities will be more regulating for children when they find them fun and rewarding. It can also help when they are done with a trusted adult. Some activities up-regulate (i.e. increase energy and focus) and some down-regulate (i.e. decrease energy and calm). Everyone is different so try them and see which ones up regulate and down regulate each of your children. Being proactive and offering regular “doses” of regulation is key.

You will need to find things that work for your family. This might involve siblings doing things together or spending time apart. You may need to problem solve if one child's calming activity is another child's trigger. For example, rhythmic drumming may soothe one child but be overwhelming for a child with noise sensitivity. You may need electric drums and headphones or a shed at the bottom of the garden!

Proactive activities to maintain regulation could include:

Using the Body 

• Marching (try using marching music)

• Dancing

• Walking

• Hanging (e.g. from monkey bars)

• Cycling

• Scooting

• Jumping

• Pushing

• Pulling

Using the Body Together

• Pushing hands together

• Wrap up tight in a big blanket

• Tug of war

• Massage with a spiky ball

Using food as a Regulator 

Chewing, sucking and blowing is very regulating. Have things around to give as a “regulating snack” in the form of crunchy, chewy, spicy or sucky foods. Examples are:

• Apple

• Carrot sticks

• Crackers

• Pretzels

• Oatcakes

• Bagels

• Dried fruit

• Fruit leather

• Chewing gum

• Spicy/tasty

• Salt and vinegar rice cakes

• Spicy snacks

• Sucking liquid through a straw

• Blowing bubbles with bubble gum

You can turn food into a game: each take a boiled sweet or lollipop. Both have to suck the sweet until it dissolves without chewing. First to finish wins.

Alison, foster carer explained:

“ When my son came out of school, he was often very hyped up and we used to take him to the park to run it off. However we soon saw that this just made things worse and he often had a meltdown. Now, we go home and the first thing we do is have a snack. Then he has some quiet time watching tv with his favourite blanket. It really helps him to calm down after a busy day at school. Now, we go to the park on a Saturday morning. It used to be hard for him to get moving in the morning but a run around the park with his sister gets them and me ready for the rest of the day”.  

• What is the task or expectation the child is expected to do (and failing at/"refusing" to do)?  

• What does the brain— anyone’s brain— have to be able to do in order to successfully complete that task or meet that expectation?

• What do you know about how your child’s brain functions in those areas? Do they have those skills? 

• How old is your child developmentally (which might be different than their chronological age)?  

• What are the secondary behaviors you see in this environment or with this specific situation?  

• What are your child’s strengths and interests?  

• Based on all the information gathered from the above questions, what accommodations need to be implemented to help this child be successful? 

When applying this approach to parenting siblings one issue that will need consideration is that brothers and sisters with care experience are often very sensitive to injustice or unequal treatment by parents. A child may think that an accommodation made for a brother or sister, such as getting to sit in the front seat of the car is unfair if s/he is not given the same opportunity. There needs to be some open discussion about why brothers and sisters need different types of support and some celebration of children's strengths as well as individualised skills development. 

Sharon, adoptive mum said:

When the children were small we enjoyed baking together as a family. By the time our three girls were all in primary school baking became a pain. Our middle girl would always end up losing her temper with her sisters and throwing ingredients across the kitchen. After a while we realised that the noise and excitement of the activity was upsetting for her and she was struggling to keep up with the recipe at the same pace as her sisters. We tried changing things up so that she baked with her older sister. This kept things calmer.  I also weighed out the ingredients before the activity so that she had less to remember to do. Baking became a lovely family activity again and the girls enjoyed this time together.                                                                        

NB the behavioural lens is included here as it is commonly used in schools and families. However, using it requires careful consideration where neurodivergence and trauma are present.

This approach can work sometimes for some children but becomes problematic when we use it just because it is expected of us rather than best for our family. It needs particularly careful consideration when children have neurodevelopmental differences or vulnerabilities such as autistic spectrum disorder, ADHD, complex trauma and in some situations can re-traumatise children by imposing an expectation that they should conform rather than recognising their need for adaptations. When the approach is ineffective it is important that the child or parent is not blamed or labelled lazy, awkward, or 'doing it wrong'. Encourage the people around you and your child to move beyond behaviour and use other lenses.

This lens also acknowledges the difficulties children can have with rational thinking when dysregulated and emphasises the importance of enabling a child to regulate emotions before moving on to higher level tasks such as social engagement and problem solving.  

It is important to not get pulled into attachment patterns that meet the needs of one sibling but not another. This is particularly difficult when one child is noisily demanding and another is quietly withdrawn or hyper-independent. The quieter child may be masking their own struggles as a coping strategy. 

The attachment lens also focuses attention on the need to address children’s experiences of loss and grief which are highly relevant to care experienced children including the loss of brothers and sisters. 

A wide range of areas of daily functioning can be more challenging when a child is neurodivergent including social communication, ability to plan, initiating or moving on from activities, memory, learning, control of impulsivity.  This can significantly impact family life and lead to conflict between siblings. Identifying and being led by a child's brain preferences can free-up their mental capacity to function at their best and enjoy their relationships. 

Trying out different parenting lenses helps us to look below the surface and be curious about the underlying explanations of behaviours.

Below we think about some of the concerning behaviours that we might notice in our children and how we might reframe them.

Some of the difficulties that might be a feature of family life when care experienced brothers and sisters are in distress include:

• lots of conflict between family members throughout the day;

• children being unable to sleep and keeping siblings as well as parents awake;

•  children withdrawing from family routines and refusing to leave their room affecting their parents' ability to support siblings' activities outside the home;

• intense jealousy between brothers and sisters to the extent that children cannot be left alone together;

• children feeling overwhelmed by family occasions such as birthdays;

• children running away from home;

• children being drawn towards risky behaviours.

These struggles are stressful for children and adults alike and can severely affect all family members’ quality of life. The resources that follow are intended to offer insights into these daily difficulties and some practical ideas to reduce distress for both children and adults. We approach this as both a siblings rights issue and a disability rights issue requiring public resources.

• We’re dealing with some big issues that aren’t easily sorted and would challenge the most experienced parent
• These issues aren’t my fault and are not my children’s fault
• We all deserve help and support with these challenges
• I don't have all of the answers but I'm committed to finding better ways to help my children and I know we will get there
• We’ve been through some tough times but always found a way through
• I’ll get it wrong sometimes but that’s okay as I have everyone’s best interests at heart and will learn from this
• I can make a positive difference for my children
• I'm 100% committed to my children

In order to sensitively parent care experienced brothers and sisters who are in distress and living with the effects of adversity, trauma or loss, parents need support to tune in to their capacity for compassion and the head space to do this. 

Compassion for care experienced brothers and sisters requires an appreciation of their current life and relationships and their future aspirations and an insight into their history. It involves listening closely to what children communicate through words and actions including expressions of emotions. This may have felt absent for children who have had decisions made on their behalf about who they live with, for how long and who they continue to have relationships with. Through compassion parents can find explanations for family struggles that fit comfortably for everyone and provide a way forward. As they mature, children will also be able to show compassion for distressed brothers and sisters with the help of the adults around them.

Compassion fatigue can be present where families have been struggling with too little support for some time. This should never be presented to families as a failing in the parent but instead a failure of the system of support. 

Self-compassion is an essential first step in parents meeting the needs of brothers and sisters in their care. It involves acknowledging the magnitude of the challenges facing us in our parenting role and the emotions this can create such as feelings of frustration, despair and grief as well as gratitude and pride. 

One of the most powerful things professionals can do to encourage confidence is to validate parents’ feelings through expressing empathy and avoiding any suggestion of blame. There is research evidence that parental blame can often be a feature of professional intervention leading to families feeling disempowered. Professionals have an important role to play in focusing on parenting strengths and creating a sense of agency and hope. 

With confidence comes a feeling of self-efficacy, that is, a belief in our capacity to create positive outcomes for our family. 

Parents of care experienced brothers and sisters need to be particularly reflective and empathic. Flexibility is also key when meeting the needs of more than one child in the household. It is important that professionals avoid offering quick ‘off-the-shelf’ solutions to families that are easy to administer but are a poor fit for the family’s needs. Instead they must bring the same curiosity into their practice.

When children feel secure in relationships and regulated they will feel more able to be involved in problem solving and a more collaborative style of family life will be possible. Children will also be enabled to gradually take on responsibility for their own wellbeing as they mature. 

Effective professional practice incorporates the idea of promoting relationship networks for families with a willingness to work alongside families.

• physical,

• emotional,

• social,

• professional and

• spiritual self-care.

It needs to be tailored to your needs and situation but could include a weekly activity with friends, having quiet time for your daily Wordle or yoga, a coffee with another parent who's a good listener or date night with a partner once a month.  Think about who and what helps you recharge your battery.

Make a plan now to fit in a daily self care and a weekly self care activity.

There will be no one-size-fits-all when it comes to scaffolding as each family has a unique mix of needs, preferences and demands on their time. Children who have had adverse experiences might need a higher level of structure than other children their age. Let go of your expectations of what they “should” need and think more about they do need. Think developmental age and not chronological age.

Some practical things you can try include:

Scaffolding daily routines

Daily routines should ideally provide a rhythm to the day without creating pressure. The rhythm comes from familiarity, ease and clarity. If mornings are always fraught it might help one child to have a visual checklist in the bathroom to help a sluggish morning brain, while a brother or sister may need clothes laid on on the floor the same way every day to prompt dressing. Some daily routines, like sitting together for dinner, may feel like a strong social expectation but just not work for your family. Perhaps children are in sensory overload after school or preoccupied with worries. Ditch the routines that don't suit your family and create your own family rhythm.

Weekly rituals  and family events

Weekly family activities or rituals like film and pizza night can be a good way to create a sense of belonging. It's important that everyone has a say in what the activity is and how and when it happens so it doesn't become another demand or source of frustration. Less frequent events such as family holidays, weddings, parties can also create a sense of a shared family history with opportunities for photographs to pore over and stories retold. If your children are old enough to have a mobile phone it might help to set up a shared family diary so everyone has information about upcoming events or appointments.

Remember the four Cs:

Compassion: think about why structure or routine might be difficult for your children and you to maintain and forgive yourselves when you go off track.

Confidence: believe that you and your children can thrive if you use structure and routines thoughtfully and with empathy. This may mean saying 'no' to some of the expectations of other parents or wider family.

Curiosity: keep an open mind about structures and routines you try out, monitor them and adapt them to fit your family's needs.

Connection: don’t forget time for nurture and connection and work collaboratively with your children to create and adapt structure and routines. 

Daniel, adoptive dad said:

“Every night before bed, we do a massage we learned in TheraPlay. My son loves it. It helps him to wind down and when it is time for the massage, he knows it is time for sleep. We do it every night”. 

In part one we looked at the importance of sibling relationships for care experienced children and adults and ways that we can promote positive relationships between brothers and sisters whether they live together or apart.

You can dip in and out of the two padlets or read them in order if you prefer. Some sections may feel more relevant at certain points in your parenting journey or at different stages of family life.

The examples used in the padlets are based on real families' experiences but details and names have been changed to protect confidentiality.

If you want to look at the posts in a larger view click on the play symbol (triangle on its side) and the posts will be turned into a set of slides that you can scroll through. This symbol is on the right hand side of the webpage or in the menu at the bottom of the page if using the Padlet app on a mobile device.

If you prefer to read a paper copy of the information you can print by going to the 'share' menu on the far righthand side (the curly arrow) and selecting "Export as PDF". The pdf document can then be saved and printed.

While many care experienced children can thrive and achieve their personal goals with the support of a loving family or family-like relationships, they may also need more specialist parenting and professional input at certain times. Some things to consider: 

·      Care experienced children will have faced particular stresses that other children have not. This might include experiencing neglect or witnessing violence towards a family member, exposure to drugs or alcohol in utero, loss of important relationships or attachment figures, living apart from brothers and sisters, attending stressful meetings where decisions are made for them and changes of living arrangements and school placement. These cumulative adversities can have a lasting impact on children's wellbeing and lead to heightened body and brain sensitivity to stresses.

·      Distress may be expressed by a child through concerning behaviours such as withdrawal, under/over-eating, self-harm, expressions of anger or running away, all of which take a toll on children, siblings and other family members. 

·      The effects of adversity and trauma can present in different ways at different points of growing up.  Parents need support to anticipate and address the individual needs of children while acting in the best interests of all siblings. 

·      On occasions an individual child’s needs may come into conflict with the needs of brothers and sisters in the same household or within the wider family network and difficult choices may have to be made by parents.  

·      Being attuned to a child’s needs and emotions is hard to do on the spur of the moment. Parents need guidance, space to reflect and time, something which is often in short supply when parenting siblings. 

·      Distress and dysregulation can easily spiral out of control when trauma is present and so it is important to prevent situations escalating or de-escalating them as soon as possible. Adults as well as brothers and sisters need help to recognise potential triggers (yes, we mean you).

·      In order to work out what works, when and for which child, parents need to take on board a lot of complex information about each child’s history, perspective, challenges and strengths and to make sense of this in their  parenting decisions. Disentangling all of this information requires support from trusted and informed friends, peers and professionals.

Above all, care experienced brothers and sisters and their parents should never be expected to cope alone.  Children’s struggles can bring the family into contact with a multitude of services. It is crucial that these services, supports and social institutions work in partnership with families in a co-ordinated way. This may be necessary into adulthood also.

Mark, adoptive dad explained:

Things like the Easter egg hunt was always a disaster and ended with one or both kids in tears. One year we tried marking a line down the middle of the garden and hid exactly the same number of eggs each side of the line. The kids had as much time as they liked to find their treats in their half of the garden. This really helped to reduce squabbles.

Competitive games can be tricky for children who feel unsafe. Your child may be very bound by rules to the point where the game becomes less fun. Alternatively, winning may be everything for your child and they may invent new rules to make this a certainty. Both situations can lead to distress. Cooperative activities can be simple word games or if children need to be more active or respond well to nature then activities such as gardening or outdoor treasure hunts may work for your family. The activities may need to be time limited to avoid fatigue and irritation setting in.

Fiona, Kinship carer said:

Here are some cooperative games that we used as a family to have fun together without a competitive element creeping in.               

1. One word at a time story.
Each person takes turns saying one word to contribute to a storyline. Each person must wait their turn but can take the story off in any direction they like.

2. Grandma went to market
This is a memory game. One person starts by saying grandma went to market and bought a (e.g. tree). The next person must then add an item to the list and say “Grandma went to market and bought (e.g. a tree and a handbag). The game continues with each person taking a turn and adding an item until someone forgets something on grandma’s list.. You might help the person out by giving a clue or just start a new game.

Sometimes our values and beliefs about parenting are so deep-rooted that we aren't even conscious of them. We may need to actively remind ourselves to question these ideas and ask ourselves whether they are really helpful in all  circumstances. Some may be less appropriate when parenting children who are care experienced, neuro-divergent or in distress.

It is important to try to make space in your day for reflection. This can be hard in a busy household but can pay off further down the line. It can also contribute to our own self care.

Take some time to think about each of the 4 Cs:

• Compassion

• Confidence

• Curiosity

• Connection

How supported do you feel with each of these? Try giving each one a score out of 5.

Are there particular things within and outwith the family that are getting in the way of the 4 Cs? What are these?

What action can you take to build your support network and tackle these barriers?

Parenting is not easy. What one thing can you say to yourself to show self compassion?

7. Helpful parenting approaches for your care kit

8. Useful resources

As a parent, you have a crucial role to play in promoting positive and safe relationships between brothers and sisters. This resource aims to provide you with information and tools to help relationships to flourish between siblings and other family members. We focus both on situations where siblings live together and where some or all siblings live apart.

Can you suggest any alternative ways of viewing the behaviours mentioned above?

Can you add any other behaviours you have struggled with and suggest other ways of explaining these using your new sets of lenses?

• My child finds it difficult to process language at the rate expected at home or school

• My child has busy thoughts and doesn’t always hear me

• My child zones out when in a stressful environment

• My child often feels unsafe and this prevents him/her from doing things

• My child perceives requests as demands and this creates intense anxiety

• My child has sensory needs and doesn’t realise how strong he is

• My child struggles with boundaries and the need for personal space

• My child finds it difficult to express negative feelings in socially appropriate ways

• My child worries that his sister gets more adult attention than he does

• My child is anxious that she’ll be out of her depth if she goes along with others’ ideas or suggestions

• My child worries that he'll be moved again and so finds it difficult to relax

• My child finds family outings overwhelming and hopes that creating a scene will end his distress quickly

• My child struggles with certain skills and this makes him feel insecure. He needs more support

• My child needs support to plan getting out of the house on time and I need to give her the time she needs

• My child has co-ordination difficulties which can lead to frequent accidents