loose pages by august

augst — 2019-01-19 16:23:22 UTC

see, i go to bed at any point between midnight and 3am. if i go to bed before that, i'm probably upset about something. that's just. how it is with me. and i wake up at around 7 or am. 11 on a good day. does this mean i get to wake up/fall asleep to you wrapped up in a bow because?? cute shit? hell yes.

augst — 2019-01-19 16:30:43 UTC

my days are pretty simple too. i go to work, bathe in front of a screen forever and go home to watch some anime before dozing off. can i just say that you're such a relatable student-- i used to be that way too. hundred percent. but now i'm here and i've found you and my days are infinitely brighter because i get to bug you and vice versa.

augst — 2019-01-19 16:47:35 UTC

soon enough, it's going to physically pain me not to respond to you. when i'm on the clock and i see your name pop up, it's the most instant reaction: like a switch in my brain that turns the smile-muscles on. suddenly, i have all the more energy to trudge on.

yes, officer, he really said that.

augst — 2019-01-19 16:49:45 UTC

evidence of how you continue to steal my heart away:

"everything you say, i want to save and stash away and keep forever."

"i miss you during the day. at night. in between. i miss you a lot already, when i'm not writing to you."

"can’t keep my eyes open, but I can still struggle my way through telling you how bad i want to kiss you."

"kiss you senseless. until you’re out of breath and your lips are all puffy and bruised. let you play with my fingers. let you cuddle closer and whisper against my neck. i love you so much, i wish."

"at school, people are always trying me."

"there’s going to be some intense kei ❤️ milly doodles in the notebook, i can feel it."

augst — 2019-01-19 16:54:51 UTC

thinking of you driving. that shit gets to me. alone in a car with you, the dim streets and the songs you would play on your stereo. the freedom to speak in that space. the comfort of silence. i could go on and on just at the thought of you.

augst — 2019-01-19 16:58:38 UTC

we even have chemistry in our kinks and listen. i gotta-- i just want to know which ones are.. are your favorites? p perhaps i want to find all the ways i can to please you.

augst — 2019-01-19 17:05:28 UTC

your hands on me always, you here for me always. it's a one-way ticket to heaven. and i'm giving you one too. i'm yours and i'm here for you (~~and in bed, underneath you~~). even as ghosts, i know i'll have a hard time shutting my trap about you. when it's your time; it's your time and i want to spend mine with you so the angry spirits! just have! to deal! with it!!

augst — 2019-01-19 17:07:12 UTC

#storytime: last night, i was really upset about something for like hours. but i ended the day writing to you, smiling because of you, as if you shot me far away from the dirt and grime of the shit that i felt just minutes before it. and you were just being you. it's not even a matter of asking for consolation with you. you just come as you are and i'm soothed by you.

hideki — 2019-01-20 10:16:56 UTC

you're at your granddad's as i write this, and i'm trying my hardest to stay awake. between playing these games and checking my phone over and over for your messages, i think i'm doing a pretty good job? good in the sense of staying up, anyway.

because i miss you.

i miss you, but i'm sure you know that already. i keep thinking about you, but i'm sure you know that, too. i keep thinking about you every second, overeager for you to come back. i keep thinking about your smile, and i keep thinking about you sleeping in the car. i keep thinking about how shy you get when i call you baby. i keep thinking about you? i keep thinking about how you're my puzzle piece (i know, will i ever let that die? no). and i keep thinking about how perfectly we go together. i keep thinking about how perfect you are? and how lucky i am. but those are all things i've told you before, of course. you just consume my thoughts. like, what was i doing before you?

this note is probably a mess, but i just wanted to. highlight how much i miss you when we're apart.

there's not a moment where i'm not thinking of you, in some way. whether it be looking back on something you said, or anticipating what you'll show me next. i'm head over heels. you have my heart.

hideki — 2019-01-20 10:44:40 UTC

another small thought for the night. for you.

when you called me soulmate earlier, i could've thrown up, i was so happy.

if you can't tell, i'm still unbelievably happy. that's also another thing i keep thinking about. you, my soulmate.

it's so painfully true. even soulmate doesn't seem like a strong enough word, does it?
my everything. my soulmate. my august.

edit:

i keep updating and updating these because i have so much to say? my thoughts just keep going. my thoughts of you are endless. even half asleep, it's all you.

poems that remind me of you, a growing list.

hideki — 2019-01-21 02:22:44 UTC

hooked.
the first thing i fell in love with
was the way you wrote,
so sweet,
so innocent,
light on my mind
and had me high
all the time.

solace.
i often remember days
when sadness had confiscated
my mind.
being a man with barely
any sense of direction,
i considered myself hopeless.

instead of being alone
i am in your arms now,
traveling back to serenity.

unsatisfied.
how could i possibly be happy
with an outcome
that is everything
but you and i?

vibrance.
falling autumn leaves
tend to remind me of you.
you made the descent look beautiful, and brought color
to the very ground
you fell on.

immersed.
our letters of love
became the bridge
to deeper understanding.
a place
where ordinary words
could not survive.

letters.
i always told myself
that i could not possibly
fall in love with you more.
but here you are,
proving me wrong once again.

100 sonnets.
i love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. i love you simply, without problems or pride: i love you in this way because i do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no i or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when i fall asleep your eyes close.

questions, because i've been dying to ask you silly little things.

hideki — 2019-01-21 02:32:42 UTC

favorite color.
august: blue, pink and yellow.
hideki: yellow, black, or burgundy.

favorite animal.
august: animals scare me!! but dogs are pretty cool. from a good, safe distance.
hideki: hippos, or maybe giraffes because they're so weird. i love dogs, too.

favorite book.
august: neil gaiman's smoke and mirrors, or paulo coelho's the alchemist.
hideki: kokoro, or night on the galactic railroad.

favorite movie.
august: ruby sparks, or call me by your name.
hideki: beautiful dreamer, or bill and ted.

what's your zodiac sign?
august: cancer.
hideki: gemini.

favorite season.
august: it's either summer or monsoon with me and i hate the heat so, monsoon!
hideki: fall, i love fall. i love it even more now because of you.

10:26 p.m.

augst — 2019-01-21 14:26:53 UTC

you're still asleep. i miss you, i miss you.

still working. put some music on. stifled a yawn. it's a lofi playlist i came across on youtube. now my music reminds me of you too. because yours is mine and vice versa,

^{i fucking like you a lot.}

hideki — 2019-01-21 21:17:07 UTC

i'm writing this before i do my homework, because i can't really focus on anything that's not you.

you're still asleep. i miss you, i miss you.

it'll be a few more hours before you wake up. i'm already anticipating it. i've been looking forward to it since the moment i woke up, in fact. falling asleep with you as the last thing on my mind. waking up with you as the first,

^{i fucking like you a lot, too.}

our time chart:

hideki — 2019-01-22 06:26:30 UTC

13 or 14 hour difference.

hideki.
monday, wednesday, friday:
whenever, depends on classes.
probably home no later than 3.

tuesday, thursday:
9am to 5-6pm.

saturday and sunday:
depends on if my family wants to do anything! usually, i work late. maybe around 5pm? get home around 7pm. typically, i can get my jobs done on saturday.

august.
monday to friday:
9am to around 8pm.

saturday is technically a work day but it's more loose than the weekdays.

sundays, i'm at my granddad's by 3pm and get home at like 9pm.

❤

hideki — 2019-01-22 06:32:51 UTC

01212019.

soulmates.
constants.
lovers.

augst — 2019-01-22 10:12:02 UTC

first rabbit: a playlist.

how deep is your love, bee gees
better, khalid
magic ways, tatsuro yamashita
get you, daniel caesar feat. kali uchis
best part, daniel caesar feat. h.e.r.
soulmate, zico feat. iu
it's you, sam kim feat. zico
bad habit, g.soul
honesty, pink sweat$
easy, mac ayres
cinema, zion.t
sunday love, valntn
cpr, summer walker
forever and always, daichi miura
blessed, daniel caesar

augst — 2019-01-22 11:07:36 UTC

you fell asleep telling me that you love me. let's just let that sink in. i keep scrolling through our messages and smiling back at them. there's something that makes my heart ache when you tell me that you need me. truth be told, it should frighten me stiff that i need you, too. me, the distant ass fool who hasn't surrendered himself to anyone in years. but, before i knew it, i had already chosen you.

it feels right, diving in with you. it's hard to just dip your toes in the water when you know for certain that the man in front of you, soft-groaning, singing to soulja boy on your first date, absolutely sweeping you off of your damn feet -- you know he's your forever.

reminders?

hideki — 2019-01-23 06:12:33 UTC

daily reminders:

have you taken your medication yet? are you keeping up on your eye drops? ointments?

have you ate anything today?
have any snacks yet?
make sure you're drinking lots, too.

don't forget to rest your eyes, all right? walk around when you can.
take a break here and there!

annoying reminders:

pancake story. don't forget to tell me.

show me your snoopy pencil!

draw me a picture! i'm going to print it out. make it a sticker and put it on my laptop.

matching profiles for me and you. whatever kind you like.

a reminder for hideki:

cute stickers.

ps.

i love you, august. just a reminder.

hideki, having a mental breakdown over august, a thread.

hideki — 2019-01-24 02:38:44 UTC

even though i have a breakdown over everything you say.

"i didn't like the soup thing on the table..."

"food's here! i'll be right back, daddy."

"please don't piss yourself."

"there was this Snoopy pencil and it looked friendly so i bought it."

"it's magic. like the song. mister tatsuro."

questions, part two!

augst — 2019-01-28 15:38:33 UTC

favorite food.
milly: pasta, pizza, gelato.
kei: more of a drink guy, but maybe onion soup.

favorite song.
milly: bloom by the paper kites.
( and this is sacred, super top secret information!! )
kei: jyarimichi, cynicalture, or fushidara flamingo by frederic.

fears.
milly: the dark. flying cockroach. other.. animals.
kei: spiders, driving over bridges

favorite movie genres.
milly: horror freaks me out but i love it. honestly, chick flicks are nice lmao.
kei: depends on the movie! maybe physiological, a hint of suspense.

favorite tv shows.
milly: orphan black and new girl.
kei: don't watch tv.

favorite person.
milly: kei.
kei: milly.

augst — 2019-01-28 16:19:06 UTC

i love how accurate this whole archive is. where i'm disorganized and non-ritualistic, you're good at laying everything down all neat and cohesive, then updating it every now and then. i forget things easily and you help me a lot with that. how the heck have i been scraping by without you?

hopefully this will work. the start of our playlist:

hideki — 2019-01-31 22:02:38 UTC

https://open.spotify.com/user/w0jgbp15elh9xsdveq9d5slo4/playlist/2wdNmtJZkzXLR1nxWrZEAB?si=ubQCy4cnSSSGASrvcrjxAw