ultramoonlite by kai !! ☾

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-30 19:11:57 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-30 19:11:58 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-30 19:11:59 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-30 19:12:00 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-30 19:12:01 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-30 19:12:02 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-30 19:17:54 UTC

"sharing beds like little kids
laughing 'til our ribs get tough
but that will never be enough"

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 16:25:56 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 16:47:07 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 16:47:49 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 16:48:10 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 16:48:37 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 16:54:59 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 16:56:37 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 16:57:14 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 16:58:15 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 16:58:47 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 16:59:22 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 16:59:50 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 17:02:11 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 17:38:59 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 17:39:00 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-10-31 17:39:01 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-01 18:15:27 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-01 18:17:50 UTC

“you must be filled with expectancy. you must be awash in hope. You must wonder who will love you, whom you will love next... if you have no intention of loving or being loved, then the whole journey is pointless. you might as well... let yourself shatter into a million pieces. Get it over with."

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-01 18:26:37 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-01 18:26:38 UTC

10/29/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-14 17:42:15 UTC

"living dead"

10/29/18

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-14 18:18:56 UTC

"aftermath"

11/15/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-15 16:22:00 UTC

"night knuckles"

11/15/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-15 18:34:21 UTC

Aš tave myliu. Aš galvoju apie tai daugiau nei turėčiau.

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 13:56:43 UTC

11/18/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 16:08:42 UTC

pull the trigger on a tuesday, regret it on a friday, pick up the pieces all saturday and sunday, and don't recognize them on a monday.

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 16:23:13 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 16:25:15 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 16:25:17 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 16:28:56 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 16:29:01 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 16:29:13 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 17:07:11 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 17:07:12 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 17:07:13 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 17:07:14 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 17:07:15 UTC

11/18/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 17:08:33 UTC

"we'll never be as young"

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-18 17:09:21 UTC

"the things that excite you are not random.
they are connected to your purpose.
follow them."

11/19/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-19 15:27:26 UTC

tell me that you love me, but leave me like the rest.

11/19/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-19 15:29:27 UTC

my mind feels blank.
running around in an closed off space.
i'm craving something to fill my time, color my walls,
but not with falling apart, again.
it's black, and empty here,
but it's clean.
this time i know better.
it's in this time that i am realizing how much trouble it's been, building them up, to hold myself together,
that i can't just choose anyone or anything,
any whim,
to just let in.
so i fill it with nothing. so today i am waiting, searching,
for something "that i can't reach".
i cleaned everything up.
but it's empty here.
it's lonely here.
~~i don't know what to do with that.~~

11/19/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-19 16:30:43 UTC

☀ make me look like shit, but how come i'm not the one that feels like it? ☀

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-19 18:54:29 UTC

11/20/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-20 17:07:59 UTC

<< s/h trigger warning >>
this is a vent of sorts, i guess.
i hate everything about myself for the time being, i don't understand why i can't escape this fuck up of plan my brain has so intricately made with the universe.
everything i love and do is not me. absolutely none of it. i am this mash up of every horrible mental illness in one, and i have no personality outside of that it seems like.
i like pulling risks because I have a self embedded need for self destruction.
i love so hard and get too attached because i guess i fucking wasn't loved or cared for enough as a kid.
i relate so hard to music because i'm obsessed with the thought of being abandoned.
i fight for rights and do protests and shit cause i have to channel my unruly anger somewhere right?
i can tie it to every trait of mine.
mental illness isn't supposed to be like this. It's supposed to attached on to your life. or something like that.
it's like my life is a side effect of being mentally ill.
i feel sick to my stomach.
i am preconditioned to hurt, to ruin, to destroy, and it happens whether i like it or not.
i can't stop it, it's all of me. without this i am nothing. there's nothing left once you strip away what was never wanted in the first place.
i'm just a toddler underneath all of this. i never developed. i am not a person.
all i crave is the ability to find myself.
and it seems like skimming the edges of my insides will never be enough.
i should have figured out by now that i need to cut deeper, i need to shed this skin, to rid myself of these illnesses.
my brain may be fucked up but maybe without, my soul isn't.
therapy won't make it go away.
medication won't make it go away.
i need to find myself.

11/21/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-21 17:45:01 UTC

note to self i guess. i need to get time release for my ADD meds instead of taking them 3 times a day, or instead of taking it 4 like another option was. i hate my motivation waving up and down all day, i hate the manic states i get when i first take it. i hate the comedown sad. my psych has tried lots of times to put me on it but my parents don't want to because it's more expensive then what i'm doing now. i understand that it's expensive, but i just need to feel normal. i'll pay for it myself idc. i just need some stable state to build off of. it's not selfish, everyone else gets to be stable. i crave it too.

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-21 18:17:51 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-21 18:20:04 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-25 17:07:53 UTC

11/26/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-26 17:51:57 UTC

i wish i could unhear your laugh
undo our what once was friendship
i don't want to know you anymore
i don't want to feel your existence
i don't want to orbit your planet, earth boy.

11/26/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-11-26 20:22:27 UTC

I quietly walk down the hallways, and fill my blue solo cup from my class's friends-giving with murky white water from the nearest water fountain, but I don't mind it. The sound of some angered student punching the locker pulls me from the start of my new train of thought.
"What are you thankful for?"
I'm thankful for the time i spent with ghost gang and all of it's additives; the good times at least. The times that we reveled around, that will never be forgotten.
Even though it's over, even though many of us hadn't realized (including myself) that it would be best to end it, and are relieved that it is; It's just leading to our next step. And i'm glad we all have people to get us there. Everyone member deserved it. We keep moving on, and for that I am thankful.

ultramoonlite — 2019-12-04 13:43:20 UTC

ultramoonlite — 2019-12-04 16:31:48 UTC

"for every step that I take
i take two steps back
it's like a punch to the face
It's like a knife right in the back
like a bullet to the head
why can't i understand?
the blood is on my hands"

ultramoonlite — 2019-12-04 19:44:53 UTC

" - cause even if your eyes are black your bones are always gold
cause they've climbed up every mountain that no story's every told
- cause even if your bags are packed you'll never leave your home
- cause you're scared of all the monsters that are waiting to unfold"

12/11/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-12-11 20:23:14 UTC

"The kid was being an idiot and jumped on our table and pounded on it, screaming.
So when he left kai and i looked at each other, then at the soup
kai goes “should i?
i said yes, thinking it was a joke
kai picks up the soup.
Kai turns around.
i scream: “KAI NO BAD PLAN”
“yolo” says kai
The soup covers the boys jeans and seeps onto his cowboy boots
Petrified and furious glances get shot our way from the table the boy was it, we simply stand and leave, ignoring all the boys calling rude words and flipping us off."
- hamma ham han

12/17/19

ultramoonlite — 2019-12-16 20:04:44 UTC

i wrap my hand slowly around the pins lying in the middle of my palm.
i wonder to myself why i was never enough.
i crush the pins with all of the force i can muster from inside of me.
i wonder to myself why it doesn't hurt as much.
I repeat, but the blood doesn't answer.

1/16/20

ultramoonlite — 2020-01-16 19:57:23 UTC

"inner downfall"

2/3/20

ultramoonlite — 2020-02-03 16:01:21 UTC

i kinda want to not face anything, ever.
> i kinda don't wanna leave my bed
> but it doesn't matter cause i'm still trapped inside my head
> what if i pull apart the pieces one by one
> and build it up again with dowels and bubble gum
> would it be stronger
> then this fear of life i've mongered
> i'll never want to leave my bed
> hopefully i can find power in this skin i want to shed

3/6/20

ultramoonlite — 2020-03-06 18:36:49 UTC

i wonder where it'll take me
i'll wonder if i'll grown
or if i'll "regress" and make people hate me

3/12/20

ultramoonlite — 2020-03-12 13:40:15 UTC

so if the apocalypse happens or whatever who wants to bunk together?