Writing Feedback by Alaina Feliks

2025-03-27 22:15:37 UTC

I feel like the transition from the lines of the poem to your piece was smooth and natural

2025-03-27 22:16:04 UTC

I think there is very effective imagery within every part of this piece

blester2_1 — 2025-03-27 22:16:41 UTC

I really liked the styled writing and wonder of this piece, I think you did reach the anticipation of determination I also think it had a sense of hopelessness as it progresses and I think its a nice detail. If it wasn't purposeful, that's okay I think it's great. :)

2025-03-27 22:17:06 UTC

I really liked how smooth it was, it didn’t even seem like the lines were from a different poem.

2025-03-27 22:17:38 UTC

I wonder if short sentences (like, 3 words) could be even more impactful/powerful than long fragments ("Of my comrades as they pushed alongside me") in breaking up your longer sentences.

2025-03-27 22:17:46 UTC

I am truly impressed, all I could think of was that I wanted to read more!

2025-03-27 22:17:49 UTC

I think more imagery the better. Should give more imagery on the camaraderie as that is a big theme in many battle scenes and war books.

2025-03-27 22:18:10 UTC

Bless: you can tell there is so much thought, so many details, within this world. It's apparent that we've only got the tip of the iceberg, and that makes me want to read more!

2025-03-27 22:18:14 UTC

I definitely felt a sense of drive from this piece. The imagery you do have captures it well.

rbulloc1 — 2025-03-27 22:18:16 UTC

The writing completely drew me in. I was waiting for the story to unfold.

2025-03-27 22:18:36 UTC

While I can see drive and determination from this piece, I also feel a sense of detachment. Like the narrator is less involved in the battle itself and more focused on what is going on around them. I do not necessarily see this as a bad thing though

mfield11_1 — 2025-03-27 22:18:41 UTC

I think that this is a really great start to a really interesting short story (even a novel!). I want to know more about the world this is taking place in. That's my little compliment!

I think that your piece flowed very well from the original prompt. It sets the scene for a very anxiety-inducing scene, which seems to be what you were going for.

serenakessler — 2025-03-27 22:19:09 UTC

I’d like to know more what the alien beasts look like. Instead of “many shapes and forms,” could you describe a couple of the shapes and forms?

2025-03-27 22:19:22 UTC

The drive and determination were shown in the piece especially at the end showing us the solitude and isolation the protagonist and his men felt but still wanting to battle.

feliksa1 — 2025-03-27 22:19:24 UTC

I'm wondering if it would be helpful to have a "establishing scene" where you use imagery to orient us to where we are. So much of this piece is a close up, but as a reader I might like to kind of see the setting a bit more.

ealcomo — 2025-03-27 22:20:07 UTC

I liked that your piece flows seamlessly with the original piece. I think that you could add in more imagery to make the reader feel like they too are in battle. As the piece is now, I feel like we are being told this heroic story rather than experiencing it with the speaker.

bwyllis — 2025-03-27 22:20:17 UTC

I loved when I came across the line "Alien Beast! It was a turn I wasn't expecting.

serenakessler — 2025-03-27 22:20:24 UTC

The last line totally captures that sense of determination.

2025-03-27 22:20:39 UTC

I think this piece is great! I do like the flow of this with the idea of taking the moment of adrenaline and making it a war scene. I’m not going to lie, once it said aliens and holograms I was a bit lost but that could just be me. Maybe add something earlier to connect it.