Looking back to my elementary years, entertainment was fed through national television. The only fictional character that I resembled was the Yellow Ranger from Power Rangers. She was a supporting character. This informed me that Asian people were not supposed to be in the spotlight. At school, I tried my best to harness my language skills and gain acceptance by strong writing. There were many immigrant families from various ethnic backgrounds around me so in a sense, I was comfortable being Asian. However, I was sometimes unsure of how to act. At home, I was conditioned to believe I should be quiet (although I was not very good at that). At school, I knew being vocal implied being powerful. That is where my internal struggle of utilizing my voice and how it opposed my cultural upbringing.

More recently, I dated someone White who came from the country that colonized my own. There was always a need to define the power dynamic, him wanting to be in a “traditional” dynamic that would put him in the place of dominance. Although he recognized  and celebrated my strength, intellect, and al little bit of craziness, he also expressed an internal conflict. The traits that made me Asian made him feel comfortable that I could be defined, but he didn’t know what to do when he realized I was more.

Now, I have a multiracial son who is part Black. My work of remembering who I am on a soul level coupled with my work of understanding who I am on a racial level is intertwined with my ability to parent him as he is.