I also am kind of interested in criminal psychology (because of a game), although I am not certain if it’ll be discussed this semester, or in my stay here in the university, if not then it’ll be something to be curious about. I am positive that everything that I’ll learn, I will be able to apply in real life, though not in excess because in my opinion it kind of ruins the fun (living like you have no clue what’s going on), but still it will be really helpful to see through the intentions of others.

I do hope that this second semester will be good to me, it’s not bad to hope after all.

❤︎, Ryeon

I remember a famous saying that to be able to solve any problem; the solution is acceptance. Denying the situation when the root is right in front of you is ignorance and will continue to make things worse. Although very obvious, it seems that it's much harder to do. 

Even if the concept of mental health is a bit more accepted today than it was many years ago, it's not nearly enough to help those who need it. As a society and a civilization, we have come a long way, and there's still a long road ahead to discover the hidden mysteries of our brains.

“Into the Magic Shop: A Neurosurgeon’s Quest to Discover the Mysteries of the Brain and the Secrets of the Heart” by James R. Doty, MD is the book that I am currently reading. So far it has been a eye opening read and everything that he wrote is something that at least once in our lifetime should be made known to us. My favorite quote from the book is 

I think that sums up the whole book, it gives tips on how to relax your mind, or relaxation techniques that don’t involve meditation. I personally haven’t tried it for myself but it will probably be helpful in keeping my calm. It’s my goal for this year to be able to finish that book, I used to be such a book nerd that i’m able to finish a book in less that a week. Maybe it’s because I’m too busy playing games is that so? There are also a lot of books that I want to read and re-read I just have to find motivation to do so, maybe in the summer to help me practice the techniques in the book too!

❤︎, Ryeon

I remember a famous saying, that to be able to solve any problem, the solution is acceptance. Denying the problem when the root is right in front of you is ignorance and will continue to make things worse. Although very obvious, it seems that it's much harder to do. 
Even if the concept of mental health is a bit more accepted today than it was many many years ago, it's not nearly enough to actually help those who need it. We, as a society, as a civilization, have come a long way and there's still a long road ahead to discover the hidden mysteries of our brain. “Into the Magic Shop: A Neurosurgeon’s Quest to Discover the Mysteries of the Brain and the Secrets of the Heart” by James R. Doty, MD is the book that I am currently reading. So far it has been a eye opening read and everything that he wrote is something that at least once in our lifetime should be made known to us. My favorite quote from the book is  “There are a lot of things in life that we cannot control… But you can control your body and you can control your mind. That might not sound like a lot, but it’s very powerful. It can change everything.” I think that sums up the whole book, it gives tips on how to relax your mind, or relaxation techniques that don’t involve meditation. I personally haven’t tried it for myself but it will probably be helpful in keeping my calm. It’s my goal for this year to be able to finish that book, I used to be such a book nerd that i’m able to finish a book in less that a week. Maybe it’s because I’m too busy playing games is that so? There are also a lot of books that I want to read and re-read I just have to find motivation to do so, maybe in the summer to help me practice the techniques in the book too!

I actually agree with what he said and for now, I don't really get this whole nature vs. nurture debate when clearly both are contributing factors to how we grow up. The book itself is really interesting and was one of the main reasons why I am still interested in studying the human brain (have I said that a lot?). These big ideas in psychology will almost always have contradictions to it, I try to keep an open mind but sometimes it’s so absurd and doesn’t seem all that plausible. For now there is no example that comes to mind, but I am sure that there is one. Another topic that comes to mind is unethical psychological researches done from way before, i’m talking the 19th century. I came across this research about babies, and how important interacting (or maybe it was physical touch) to a baby is. What they did was there was two babies, the first one grew up interacting with the caregivers, e.g. playtime, talking, or they were carrying her. The second baby was deliberately withheld those as a part of the experiment, they only changed the diapers, and fed the baby and did nothing else than they were supposed to. The second baby died a few months into the experiment, and the first one grew up to be a healthy adult. Of course in our time today these researches might have a hard time getting approved because of ethical issues. It did help in shaping our understanding today but I am not sure it was worth the cost of a life. Some might say it is but I think that there could have been a more different approach to gathering data since it seemed a little too harsh for me seeing as a kid died for the results of the research. 

I agree with what he said, and for now, I don't get this whole nature vs. nurture debate when both contribute to how we grow up. 

The book is fascinating and was one of the main reasons I am still interested in studying the human brain (have I said that a lot?). 

These big ideas in psychology will almost always have contradictions to it, I try to keep an open mind but sometimes it’s so absurd and doesn’t seem all that plausible. For now there is no example that comes to mind, but I am sure that there is one. 

Another topic that comes to mind is unethical psychological researches done from way before, i’m talking the 19th century. I came across this research about babies, and how important interacting (or maybe it was physical touch) to a baby is. What they did was there was two babies, the first one grew up interacting with the caregivers, e.g. playtime, talking, or they were carrying her. The second baby was deliberately withheld those as a part of the experiment, they only changed the diapers, and fed the baby and did nothing else than they were supposed to. The second baby died a few months into the experiment, and the first one grew up to be a healthy adult. 

Of course in our time today these researches might have a hard time getting approved because of ethical issues. It did help in shaping our understanding today but I am not sure it was worth the cost of a life. Some might say it is but I think that there could have been a more different approach to gathering data since it seemed a little too harsh for me seeing as a kid died for the results of the research. 

❤︎, Ryeon

At first, I thought of Lisa as the complete opposite to me, she’s portrayed as the HBIC of the ward, she speaks her mind even if there are consequences to it. Basically, she’s fearless and bold - in a bad way. Her personality I would say is more of a chaotic bad, further down into the movie she felt more overbearing to the main character, Susanna. Pushing everyone’s buttons, but still seemed kind-hearted when she was up singing to Polly with Susanna. Towards the very end of the movie, she actually tries to sabotage the release of Susanna because she wanted to “push” her buttons too, aka trigger her. She then goes on to have a breakdown telling Susanna that she plays the role of a villain to make her look good. Now, my perspective about this is that she was never a villain in the first place— she was just sick. 

Susanna’s diary is I think her anchor, which is an outlet that helped her become better, aside from the talk therapy she’s been doing (which is what i think her sessions consisted of). I think she was actually holding herself back from getting better in the early stages of the movie only waking up when she saw what death looked like, in front of her face, in the figure of Daisy her friend. I actually liked what Dr. Wick said, “ Am I sane? or Am I crazy?” It’s just either of the two, there’s no word that can describe what it might be like to be neither of the two, well at least that is what I think. The main diagnosis of Susanna was bipolar personality disorder, which causes extreme highs and lows, which can be seen in the movie, like her telling offensive stuff to the nurse as well as her curling up in bed with her thoughts after Daisy’s incident. 

Before deciding to watch this film, I actually was thinking about watching “Still Alice” because of the trailer. In summary, Alice was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and her family creates memories with her as her condition worsens. The reason why this was my second place among the list of things to watch was I remember in our home economics class, we had time to spare before the bell rang. Our teacher out of the blue asked, “What’s your worst fear?” and hands started shooting up, saying their fears such as death, or the dark and ghosts. My teacher then goes and says “Alam niyo ba kung anong fear ko?” she goes on to continue, “Ang makalimot” honestly we all started laughing because doesn’t everyone forget something every once and a while? She then defended her statement saying “Ang makalimutan ang pamilya ko”. She proceeded to play a Thai bank advertisement related to that, which had been circulating social media for quite some time. 

❤︎, Ryeon

Katinko was in grade school, first grade to be exact when she went to the same school as mine. She was heavily bullied for being different, she didn’t have any prior knowledge of the Filipino language and culture coming from America. This impacted her mentality on public speaking, and how the thought of it would give her anxiety, which is not the case in the present. When Katinko and I met, I was also unfortunately bullied along with her. She isn’t close to anyone in her family, except her grandfather, as she lived in an abusive household, she was also subject to emotional invalidation, because of this she had no role model and didn’t go out as much, the only time she was able to go out was when we and our other friend would schedule movie dates together. When she reached ninth and tenth grade, she was slowly becoming active with everything, slowly improving in her academics and participating in extracurricular activities which is dance. Katinko competed locally and internationally while juggling her academics at the same time, this helped her make new friends and slowly find her identity as a person.

The pandemic was the best years for her, because her cousins and other family members which she considers as her siblings lived with them for a while. She was able to do the things that she wanted to do like watch movies or play games with them. For her, it was a time of keeping herself busy since her dance classes were online. When it came to online classes, we would video call each other while attending the same classes as a form of emotional support. She was doing better academically, improving her editing skills as well as her being able to give a speech without crying. Katinko was also able to improve her mental health with the help of her dog and nature in their backyard where she would go out and unwind once and a while. In that same year on June 29th, her grandfather died, the only person she was close with, he was in the hospital for three days when his condition declined rapidly; Katinko’s grandfather was the only person in her life whom she thought of as her father figure. Months later, her dog also passed away due to distemper which is an incurable respiratory illness, her dog wasn’t able to recover from or overcome the illness. 

Katinko considered twelfth grade as the peak point in her life, by this point we have known each other for eight years, and she started her, in her words, “Independent girl boss stage” by picking a fight with me. She was left with her thoughts and on her own for a while which led her to learn about herself more, and see what she was capable of by discovering more of her strengths and weaknesses. Her mental health was bad that summer, she would get sick easily, gained weight, and got acne out of nowhere, it was to the point that she felt disgusted when she looked in the mirror. Being a part of a dance team, she also conscious about her weight, and would constantly and obsessively count calories of the food she intakes and take note of it in a notepad. Katinko then took the time and effort to take extra steps to take care of herself and she did better in school, she constantly took these new opportunities, she became a project head and the leader for various group works; her grades were also improving, to which she explains that those were the best her grades have ever gotten. It was during this time that Katinko was able to find her significant other, Vicks Vaporub, which I will call Vicks for short; she has a healthy relationship with him and she says she found the love of her life. 

Katinko experienced multiple trials involving her family to the point where she had suicidal ideation. Her family members are anti-vax, her parents made a fake vaccine card to be able to fly from the U.S. to the Philippines in order to attend her graduation ceremony, and faked one for Katinko too, but she refused and Vicks was able to give her the help she needed to get the vaccine. That is when the truth started to unfold, when she found out that her family wasn’t what she thought they were, things that the people around Katinko knew but she didn’t. When her mother was a teenager, she got pregnant with a man and aborted the baby because her grandmother disapproved of their relationship. Katinko’s family also had problems with Vicks because they looked down on Vicks’ family, dirtying their name by talking about Vicks as a ‘manyak’. Her family thinks highly of themselves, which caused a lot of issues, this led Katinko’s grandmother to blame her for the reason why their family name gets discredited [nasisiraan ng pangalan]. Her family would blame other people for their mistakes, and because of this Katinko didn’t know how to say sorry but through time she was able to learn. 

She was able to pass UP Manila under the course of BS Biology, her dream course and dream school. But because she was in America she was forced to refuse her slot and instead study at a community college. She attempted to flee and go back to the Philippines with the help of her biological dad’s side of the family, they agreed but her parents caught her. This resulted in her getting punished and kept in the house with no wifi and electronics for a total of three days. Katinko had thought about killing herself by overdosing on a bottle of pills and cough medicine, which she had in her room due to the seasonal allergies she got from moving to a different country, but she didn’t eat or drink water, she just stayed in bed. Eventually, she was able to see his biological father’s family, to which she found out that they were communicating with her grandmother, who twisted the story to fit their narrative, “I felt helpless because no matter how much I try to explain my side of the story, they still chose to believe whoever was older or whoever they thought knew more than I did regarding that situation because apparently, I was ‘too young’ to understand my emotions or have a stand in the situation,” Katinko said. She was also told that should forgive and reconcile with her family, as well as not sue her mother despite how her mother forged documents (vaccine cards) illegally. She knew what was wrong and what was right, and she didn’t just reconcile with anyone who did her and all the people she cared about wrong. She held onto her beliefs strongly and is proud to have defended them until today. 

Her life in America wasn’t easy at all. She had to adjust, was constantly homesick, and always looked for things that reminded her of home. The area where she currently resides is very isolated and different from what she has experienced here in the Philippines. She would constantly incorporate the things that she experienced back home into her speeches in her speech classes as a way to remind herself of where her home is, as well as share her culture with other people. Katinko was set on making more friends, building new connections, as well as developing more coping mechanisms, by trying to keep going despite having a lot of obstacles, as well as having an escape from reality, by talking to me and Vicks because she says she feels more connected to home.

She assessed herself as positive, being open-minded but not necessarily critical-minded, friendly, caring, and talked about her love languages and how because she wasn’t able to experience that type of love, she gives it; if she can’t get that love, she wants the person she loves to feel it instead. Katinko expressed her gratitude for her having empathy because her family lacks it; she also said that despite being in America and the country being culturally diverse, she never became racist towards anybody. Some of her negative assessments of herself would be that she now frequently procrastinates her work and lacks motivation to study, this is brought about by her not liking where she is studying. Another is her using silent treatment when she isn’t in the mood, which she has learned over time that she should not do because it leads to bottling up her emotions and her affecting everyone else. Katinko says that her three new coping mechanisms are stress eating, excessive sleep, and retail therapy. Despite these, she doesn’t currently have serious health problems but she does have seasonal and shrimp allergies and asthma. I do however believe in the previous years that her becoming sick frequently years before was due to her mental health declining due to the unexpected deaths that she and her family experienced.

Katinko wants to impart to you and to everyone to not hesitate in cutting off toxic people in your life, she hasn’t spoken to her family members in a year ever since she went to America, and she mentions that her mental health has improved more than ever after doing such. Life is hard, and you’re going to constantly encounter obstacles but you have to make sure that you have a strong foundation that you built to lean on. One of the main things that she stressed about was academics. If you have a dream university and dream course, take it and take your academics seriously, because time management is essential in all aspects of life. When it comes to matters of the heart, you have to be able to acknowledge your own mistakes and apologize for them; and as cliché as it may sound, communication is vital, as well as not invalidating their or anyone’s feelings when they open up to you. Kantiko wants to tell those who are having a hard time with their family, just because they have the same blood as you doesn’t mean that you have to love them, you don’t have to keep obeying them if you don’t want to; if they’re toxic you should tell them but if they don’t change you can cut them off. And don’t be afraid to ask for help

I would like to end this blog post by saying that it’s not “blood is thicker than water”, it’s “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” I find it quite funny that the meaning of this popular quote is the complete opposite of its full saying. 

❤︎, Ryeon

I wasn’t born as what you would typically call as intelligent or smart, I get it all the time, but my grades from when I was in elementary would say otherwise. I had to attend both English and Math remedial lessons for two of three semesters. One time I was so bad that I even did summer school for English despite me being a bookworm. I guess you could say that I was able to find some techniques that could help relinquish me from remedial classes once I was in 8th grade. One of the techniques I learned would be to take notes that aren’t from my teacher’s PowerPoint presentation. I usually would take note of what the teacher was saying more (usually word for word). As a result, I had to sacrifice my pretty handwriting for cursive scribbles that, sometimes, only I could understand. 

It took me about a few months after to realize that a teacher’s rage is nothing compared to my education when the quality of my work is at stake. There were a couple (meaning two) of instances when I asked teachers questions as they were mad at the class, once was in science class during a yeast experiment, and I asked the teacher for a few clarifications, and she taught me a few facts about yeast and showed me what it looked like; after I asked her that, my classmates then lined up to ask her questions of their own (and the line was long). The other instance was my algebra teacher in 9th grade, he was mad for some reason at the whole class in the middle of the discussion, and in my mind, I tried to solve the question I had in my own mind but couldn’t, so I raised my hand and asked the question I wanted to ask. He answered my question calmly and told the class to ask any questions they had, like me, despite being mad (which I still find questionably weird now). 

The Psych O’clock Habit episode talked about Self-Regulated Learning. I was able to grasp (well, at least I think so) the study habit that was best for me when I was in 8th grade, the best thing for me was just to listen, and when it came to reading complicated textbooks, I find it easier take the primary definition and ‘dumb it down’, or make it simpler if you will. So, I printed out PowerPoint presentations and would write on the margins my notes, things to take note of, and my explanations of figures, equations, and other things. This helped me a lot in memorization, which is something that you need if you want to pass exams and quizzes, apart from understanding the material itself. From the episode, I realized that my disliking of cramming things is a good study habit, I just thought that it was something that everyone does (up until 8th grade, where many self-revelations happened). They also emphasized the use of rewards to be able to form better habits, I will say that I will be rewarding myself after writing this blog post about a game of MLBB; I don’t know if it’ll be a reward or a punishment or just added stress from my future teammates, but let’s just think of it as a reward. 

❤︎, Ryeon

I will spare you the details for now but being from an Asian household, everyone knows that ‘corporal punishment’ is what I call a destructive norm for children. This discussion of anger would teach people to self-reflect instead of dwelling on the anger that they experience because being angry all the time is not healthy for the human person. I, myself am still learning to let go of the past and these experiences, but I cannot deny the impact that it has made on me and my actions and decisions. 

First is my best friend, yes, the very best friend on my last post. I won’t mention her name because I’d like to keep it that way, anonymous, like a person without a face, leaving it up to your imagination what features you’d give her. She has done quite a few numbers on me; she invalidated my feelings when I opened up to her about things that were troubling me, and she called me a ‘bad friend’ comparing me to her other friends and our mutual friend. Safe to say I did not open up to her anymore, and I am now cautious about the things that I say. I still keep in touch although it hurt me like I was run over by a truck those times, it still pains me to hold myself back and I can’t talk to her about things in my life. Of course, I have to respect the wishes of the person that I am talking to, otherwise, it won’t be as enjoyable, or as mutual. 

Second, my relatives, yay. I know we all know relatives being overbearing but it’s so hypocritical of them to comment on someone else’s body while looking like the complete opposite of what they’re criticizing, like they’re not any better than me. I have had comments on my body, me being too thin, my belly (which I barely have) showing on a dress, and my face acne (that’s genetic). It’s just all a bit too much really, at this point I don’t really care much. Although looking at the pretty girls on posters makes me wonder what my life would be like if I was pretty as them.

- this is from a study done by Mary Marguerite R. De Guzman. I happen to come across this by chance, and the last line is something that I will surely keep in mind. 

There are still a lot more people who did me wrong, like those who bullied me before, and I don’t really like to think about that time. After all these years, humans never really change, they’re still the same, I think it’s bad that they’re the same, with no character development whatsoever, but hey! It’s their life, not mine. 

❤︎, Ryeon

I hope this letter finds you well. You’d think that by now all the grudges that you’ve held ever so tightly would loosen their grip on your throat, but that’s not the case. I guess among all the lessons you’ve learned so far, forgiveness is something you have yet to master. Some do say that ‘forgive but not forget’ is the better choice, I suppose that the first step is much harder than it seems. I have read somewhere, memories that are linked with strong emotions make it much harder to forget; could this be the reason why you’re still holding onto that grudge, that memory? It’s not an easy fix, believe me, but maybe decoding it like this could be the answer. 

As someone who still falls in the category of NBSB, no boyfriend since birth, it’s not something that bothers me as much as I thought it would. I don’t think envy would describe the feeling of looking at couples while I stroll around the mall, but more of wonder, would me I know change once I get into a relationship? Still, I’m not looking for one. If you know what I mean, and I hope you do. 

I still don’t like to talk, if that helps. It is, I think, the only thing that hasn’t changed with me over these past few years. There’s just something exhausting about talking with other people, and I can’t pinpoint it exactly. When I do talk, I rarely raise my voice, it seems so unnecessary to talk in a louder voice. I still remember when our guidance counselor called me ‘soft-spoken’, I think of it as a compliment and will forever remember it. Now that I have done some self-reflecting, as a kid I grew up in a very, and I mean very loud household, it could also be the reason why I have come to find utter dislike in loud noises. 

Is it still the same as it was before? Do people still call you ‘smart’? I guess that never ends huh? I’d always thought that you’d take it as a compliment, then again we have the same perspective. It still makes my skin crawl when someone calls me that, felt like I don’t deserve to be called as such. But then again, we’re all just pretending like we know what we’re doing when we don’t. I have heard from someone, well, a professor my first semester in my first year of college calling it an ‘imposter syndrome’. I know well than to self-diagnose myself so I won’t go to that conclusion, maybe the answers lie somewhere in the future? I hope so, maybe then I won’t have to go in as blind in the future. 

Life and I are chilling so far, it is just four months into the year, almost five! Time flies so fast. I hope you’re well and happy. That’s my only wish to you, that you would find happiness.

Love your friend, 

Ryeon.

Growing up, people would describe me as ‘shy’, which is like slapping a label on me because I just refused to talk of my own will. I hardly had any friends, if I did make some it was with the wrong people, I was bullied for at least 8 years of my school life. Most of the friendships I have were made because my friends approached me first, I don’t contact them first, I wait until they do. In that way, if they were to ignore or not talk to me, I would be absolutely fine with it. If you read Katinko’s, then you would also remember that she and I had a huge fight. The details? Well, it was me not being aware of how bad I was at being a friend, I unintentionally offended her multiple times (I was not aware of this as it was just brought to my attention). The worst part is, we were friends for 7 years at that point, and it didn’t feel as if our friendship was broken off, it was more of a ‘break’ –if you are familiar that is what couples in TV shows usually do. I did decide to give her a second chance, and I was a little bit hesitant because our past was messy, me getting my feelings invalidated, her calling me a ‘bad friend’ (and a lot more). Looking back, I guess this is what they call an anxious-avoidant attachment style – giving me a hard time forming “healthy personal relationships” (Justice, LICSW, 2023), another side-effect of this attachment style is that “mahirap akong mag commit” as they say. 

Starting my first year of high school, I made it a point to keep a journal with me, where I record the events of the day, though I used to write in it every day, I find it hard to write in it now that I am in college. It helped me through thick and thin, it’s nice to look back at, and it reminds me of the bad memories I had. I would doodle in it, sketch things using a pencil, and even stick random papers from the day. I was always the ‘therapist friend’ but I got no one in return, I had my journal for that. I didn’t find out the reason why people would just spill things in their minds to me, I would like to ask them questions about their situation, how they are feeling, and what they would do. I am awful at comforting other people but, I do ‘do that’ sometimes, and it feels like I am giving free talk therapy (not that what I’m doing is the same as talk therapy). I think it does help them somehow, they gain a little more perspective on their situation, and I find it quite enjoyable to be on the listening end.

I’m a person who would believe in things that the elder would say when it comes to the supernatural, as long as it is not hurting anyone, things like saying “tabi-tabi po” or doing “pagpag” after you attend a funeral, those trivial things. Previously, I would have a hard time sleeping, this would range from me either sleeping at 10 pm waking up at 2 am regularly, or me having a hard time sleeping. Sometimes though I would refuse to sleep and I remember when I didn’t get much quality sleep because I had nightmares for a week, seven days straight. This is different from revenge bedtime procrastination, one of which I’ve had a fair share of which is 

I also experienced sleep paralysis multiple times, each including different figures or apparitions or whatever it may be called, as well as a deafening sound every time I tried to move. That got so bad that I was able to train myself how to snap myself out of sleep paralysis, (by focusing all my energy on trying to wiggle a finger or a toe). This is also the reason why I don’t take afternoon naps anymore, I try to limit my naps to 10-20 minutes, I feel like more than that would result in sleep paralysis. Back to the topic of not sleeping because of nightmares. Earlier this year my family and I went to Vigan, we were strolling down Calle Crisologo and there were multiple stores for pasalubongs, among them I spotted this cute pink dreamcatcher. I wanted one in the hopes of fixing this dilemma of mine. My mom was reluctant in buying me one but she later on gave in after hearing that it was only 50, I wanted the bigger one but I opted not to in case she would change her mind about buying me one. From the selection of colors, I chose blue instead of pink since the color reminded me of the sky; I immediately hung it up in my room as soon as I got home. The dreamcatcher works, and I haven’t had a nightmare ever since, even if I still have a hard time sleeping, I would call it progress. I probably have a lot in my unconscious subconscious that Sigmund Freud would have a fun time dissecting, but until then I suppose the book that my sister bought about Sigmund Freud’s Interpretation of Dreams would have to do. 

I still think that I have made very little progress over the past few months, progress is progress nonetheless, it still makes me a little proud to have finished and completed all of these eight blog posts. It still rings true that there are quite a few improvements such as me actually enjoying writing again, I can't even begin to think how much I missed writing, it's been I think a couple of years since I stopped. Anyway, I hope to continue my journey doing what I like with the things that I love, seeking inspirations in the littlest of things no matter how mundane they might be.

♡, Ryeon