Natsumi P. Peer Feedback 2022 - 2023 by Natsumi Parker https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1 Here, you can give me specific and valuable feedback on all of my writing pieces throughout the year! As you comment, please remember to be kind with your words. However, as you offer "Two Stars and a Wish," constructive criticism is certainly welcome! en-us 2022-10-21 18:22:10 UTC 2023-06-14 18:40:18 UTC hello@padlet.com https://padlet-uploads.storage.googleapis.com/1858984591/07601aae4f7f747e110dd136bec6bae4/C7B2E426_D39A_4269_B44B_4B0AD3AEFB8F.jpg Lauryn https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2354177827

  A strength of your memoir, “That Day,” is the way in which you flashback to memories experienced by both you and your sister, Victoria. One of my favorite memories is when you mentioned in preschool, Victoria didn’t want anyone to sit next to me; she wanted me to be hers and only hers. As you explain the importance of these memories, I feel as though I understand your relationship better. In addition, I like the way that you incorporate a plethora of instances of figurative language. In particular, I enjoyed your metaphor when you said, “I was a monarch butterfly emerging from my chrysalis.” Your many usages of figurative language help the reader to truly visualize what is occurring in the small moment. However, a suggestion I can offer for improvement is to give the reader more of a picture of what Victoria and the setting looked like. I am still left wondering the details within these two major parts of your Memoir. 
I LOVED that You put so much great emotion into this piece. 
I could really tell how you were feeling and I was almost experiencing the pain you felt when reading this piece and I could definitely see myself in this situation too. 
Another thing that was awesome was all the descriptions, you explained how the flight attendant was wearing blue like the ocean, I would never have thought  to incorporate that in my piece.
 Something i would recommend is slowing down some parts like when you got on the plane, that felt a bit rushed but other than that I LOVED your piece  


]]> 2022-10-24 18:39:54 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2354177827 I love this memoir so much! Your similes and metaphors are amazing! Like when you said your mouth was as dry as a desert made me feel what you felt in that moment. I love how you expressed your feelings a lot through your thoughts and you actions that you put in the story like when you said you didn’t want to go to stupid japan with your stupid stuff. There’s not really any bad things I can think of, amazing job! 29pwoodfin https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2355596196 2022-10-25 14:50:06 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2355596196 Harper Telesca https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2355719427 A strength of “The Day I let go” is that it feels like you are a real author who wrote this memoir in a book. I like the way you wrote towards the end that you were getting really excited to go to Japan but that before you were very emotional. A suggestion I can offer is that next time when you write a memoir, you should say who you're talking about/what you're talking about. 

I LOVED it SO much & I think that you should become a author in the future!]]> 2022-10-25 15:56:46 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2355719427 Lyla Gleason 29lgleason https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2357722128 My favorite line from your piece is “then as we went up in the air one more thought struck me after a while of being sad.  Im going to see my grandparents, IM GOING TO JAPAN.  Exitemet rushed through and i never looked back.” because  it shows how quickly your mood changed as you flew away.  My favorite line/phrase was “i looked into my mom’s eyes, they were as dark as dark chocolate.  It made me really picture the image and see the color of your mom’s eyes.  The way your described things was phenomenal, also talking about how much figurative language.  It was like reading a rainbow.  I really loved reading your memoir.if i were to add something your your memoir, i would add more details on who your leaving in the moment and why you didn’t want to go so bad.  It would give the reader more of a picture of why you didn’t want to leave and maybe even add more emotion to your piece.]]> 2022-10-26 17:34:50 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2357722128 ✨LyLa gLeAsOn✨ https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2404083655 Hi Natsumi!! I really liked how in the end you made Meg stand up to Brian and tell him to back off.  Another star I have is how good your figurative language is!  It’s really pretty and I love how you choose different word choices that I wouldn’t have thought of.  It was amazing and it was really pretty figurative language and details.  One thing I think you could’ve worked on is slowing down your moments.  I feel like the moments were a bit rushed and I didn’t understand some moments.  I also feel like you could’ve fixed your grammar a bit more, but also that's hard because your Narrative was super long.  But I really enjoyed reading your Narrative because it was different and really good!  Great job Natsumi!!! >:D]]> 2022-11-30 19:07:30 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2404083655 Penelope Woodfin💗 https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2405351963 I love you narrative so much. First of all, I did not see that many errors in your writing, you used amazing metaphors and similes like when you said “Like when you run right to the edge of a cliff and come to a stop right at the edge.” Or “It looked like a galaxy, it was a swirl of blue, black, purple and pink.” I could picture what it looked like. My second star is that kI can tell how much effort you put into your writing. Your word choices were very smart like when you said “The principal joyfully said” or “Meg's mom sprung this onto her every day so fast hoping for a yes but is always disappointed.” It made me feel there emotions. One wish I have is that you only put one exclamation mark each on each word you want to put it with. Besides that I thought you did amazing!]]> 2022-12-01 15:50:47 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2405351963 Penelope🍁 https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2434832676 You did so good on your persuasive paragraph! One thing I love about it is your explanation. I thought it was very cool when you said  “She thought of steamy hot cocoa with soft, sugary marshmallows.” It made me feel like I was in the moment. Another thing I love is your sum up sentence. It has a lot of good words in there and is very persuasive to me like when you said “Snow days should continue because of the traditions it holds.”]]> 2023-01-05 16:02:44 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2434832676 Ivy Zhang 🐬 https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2490032769 Hi Natsumi! A strength of your persuasive essay, “The Slump”, is how you used descriptive language and interesting word choice to describe how later school start times are necessary. I could understand how school was starting too early and students could not get enough sleep time and could relate to my own experiences. Another reason why your essay was strong is that you included some persuasive evidence in your conclusion that recapped the claim and really ended your essay with a memorable argument to it. A suggestion for improvement though, is that you could describe the introduction anecdote more and include more detail in it. Also, there were some parts of your essay that I didn’t understand. One part was the first anecdote where you said that a girl was staying up late studying for an upcoming test. You started off with a girl, but then you included her name and you didn’t write that it was still her so it’s kind of confusing. Another thing is that your anecdotes on all three body paragraphs were a bit repetitive, all saying that a person was up late and couldn’t be up for their activities the next morning, so I think you could switch it up a little? However, your essay was truly a very strong piece and I really liked it!]]> 2023-02-21 17:21:32 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2490032769 Lyla Gleason https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2490352273 Hi Natsumi! One thing I loved in your essay was the way you described things. I like how you said in your first CEES paragraph, “Picture this, a girl with chocolate brown eyes and long brown hair.”because it really painted a picture in my head of what the girl looked like. Another thing I believe you were strong in was how you used many transition words, making your essay flow smoothly. I liked this because a choppy essay doesn’t sound nice and it doesn’t sound professional, while one with transitions sounds nice and sounds professional. One thing I feel you could’ve upgraded on was how long your anecdotes where, and make them not so short, and to help the reader picture what the problem you are trying to describe to them. Otherwise great job!]]> 2023-02-21 22:48:28 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2490352273 ✨harper🌴🥥 https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2490420111 Hi natsumi! I like the way you started off your sentence by using figurative language by saying “their head dropping every three seconds” & “there are bags under their droopy eyelids.” My favorite line/phrase was “Overall, kids would be better in school and have higher grades if kids just get more sleep” because it shows people that homework should be banned. If I were to add anything to your piece, I would have stated what was making the “RING! RING! RING!” ]]> 2023-02-22 00:23:30 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2490420111 Lyla Gleason https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2497311717 Hi Natsumi! ⭐️I really loved how you described the boy in the beginning by saying “at around the age of six with red messy hair that looked like he just rolled out of bed and freckles all over his face with light brown eyes…” because it's a really pretty way to describe him. ⭐️Another star I have is how well you expanded the word choice you used for your transitions, like “given these points…” ⭐️since I can’t think of anything you could improve, another star I have is in you “look to the future, “ it is very strong and makes me agree with your topic.]]> 2023-02-28 02:47:10 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2497311717 Penelope the best https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2525558173 Hi Natsumi! I really loved your claim and thought it was a beautiful message. No one should give up on what they dreamt of! It made me feel good about myself and it motivates me to get through tough times. In addition, I also thought that you use creative and fun transition words like when you said “If people try hard enough, like the bird…” or “As the theme has been noted from…” These really made the C.E.E.E.S. paragraph come to to life. One thing I would change about your paragraph, is to highlight all of your Pixar titles in purple, because I noticed a few that were not highlited like when you said “the simple thing of just noticing made Piper realize so much.” Or “Such as learning that not everything will be easy but the bird believed and Piper accomplished.” Overall, great work!]]> 2023-03-21 15:03:09 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2525558173 Lyla is Better tho 👇 https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2525842592 Hi Natsumi! One thing I really loved in your paragraph is how good your transition words are. I really liked the beginning when you said, “to illustrate.” This is a really good way to start off a sentence and sounds very professional! Another thing I love about your paragraph is how you changed the claim and sum up perfectly. You make sure not to use any of the same word choice and show how to execute the perfect start and ending to any writing piece. A wish I have for you is in your evidence, you used the word “wave”/“waves” a lot. I think to fix this problem you could’ve used describing words before a few of the words to make it sound better and less repetitive. Otherwise, everything was amazing and I can tell you put loads of effort into this paragraph!!]]> 2023-03-21 17:52:35 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2525842592 Ivy Zhang https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2533210790 Hey Natsumi, great job on the theme analysis paragraph! First off, you used extremely strong transition words throughout the entire paragraph. Transitions like “To further elaborate”, “Undoubtedly”, and “as a result” really elevated your paragraph. A suggestion, however, is that you could vary the word “hurt” a bit. This is used more often than others in your paragraph, and changing it could avoid repetition. Also, in my opinion, you could rephrase the theme sentence a little more. Personally, “Comes back to bite them”  sounds weird to me.]]> 2023-03-27 14:32:51 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2533210790 Lyla Gleason https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2533518828
Hey there Natsumi! One thing I feel you nailed is the way you  wrote your claim! I love the part when you said “it always comes back to bite them.” This was such good word choice and really showed the thought you put into your claim. Another star I have for you is  the way you quote the scenes in your own words. You definitely explain it to the reader so well, I was able to relive the clip we watched, and I knew exactly what part you were talking about. One wish I have for you is  that you highlighted the title of the short movie. You did italicize the text, but you were supposed to highlight the title purple. You did amazing!!! Great job Natsumi!]]> 2023-03-27 17:51:18 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2533518828 Lauryn https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2533588097 Hi Natsumi, one thing that I liked about your piece was your word choice, for example when you said that it always comes back to bite them. Another thing that I liked about your piece was that you really proved your theme by using constant reminders on what it was. Something I think you could work on would be  to give a bit more description in places, this meaning that sometimes I was looking for a little more than what you wrote, otherwise  great job!]]> 2023-03-27 18:40:20 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2533588097 Lyla Gleason https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2623661858 I really like your catchy title because it really drew me in. Supportable sounds really nice with portable. I also really like your hook because of the situations you put into consideration. I also like the way you say “so you can charge your phone that was on the brink of its death.” It makes it sound dramatic and drastic. One wish I have is that you need to add in a variety of pictures. I only saw a select few, like the gray battery symbol with a red line in it. Otherwise I really liked your presentation and I feel it is at its best! Great job!]]> 2023-06-14 17:46:55 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2623661858 I for slide presintation 29ldankin https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2623694473 Hi Natsumi, One star i have for you is that you did a really good job on making your slides insisting. What I mean by this is that you made your slide colorful and pretty which was nice. Another star I have for you is that you had nice word choice. I say this because you put cool words like “your phone will die” etc. One wish I had for thought was that you didn’t put actual photos of the protest on your slides which would have been nice to see.]]> 2023-06-14 18:40:18 UTC https://padlet.com/29nparker/xbe61j223noxxbv1/wish/2623694473