Marcell, 

First of all I want to say sorry for taking forever to write back. I have like 18 excuses, but they’re all dumb. So I’m writing. It really was cool to meet you. I had no idea what to expect. When my mom told me about you, I was skeptical. Who wants to come to a prison, and what did my mom tell this dude? -- But I had a really good time talking to you. We seem pretty similar in many ways, and it was cool to hear about your experiences in a group. -- Also, somewhat self centered,  it was rewarding to hear your analysis of my growth/maturation. I do not know many guys in here that I want to be like and most people act like kids so it has been a challenge to mature or know if I am maturing. And I wonder sometimes if I am losing my conversation skills, so it was cool to talk to you and relate to a normal person. 

I’m glad that you appreciate having my mom in your guys’ lives, but I’m more happy that you are all in her life. She has had it pretty hard for a few years, so it’s cool to see things smooth out a bit for her. She has really changed a lot these last few years. Your path to your career is interesting, I could see myself teaching, but not a cop or a lawyer! Haha. That probably has something to do with my current situation though. Actually I have found myself mentoring a lot of dudes in here throughout the years, it would be really cool to try it with someone who would listen or use the advice. Most guys know the truth when I tell them my thoughts, they just don't want to change. Kids would be cool, they are still moldable. I feel like I will do something with at risk kids when I get out. What subject do you teach anyway? -- One of my lame excuses is that I don’t really know what I could do for / say to your students. What do you have in mind? I fully understand how having a new group of students and preparing for a new school year would be a struggle. I got so nervous getting up in front of those kids at my last prison. Kids can be so vicious, I feel for you. Honestly, I think it's rad that you care to teach them life skills. I have had so many shitty teachers, that's all I thought of back then, now I mostly think of the few cool teachers I had. -- I'm guessing, but you're probably a cool teacher. I am honored that I was somehow able to inspire you. That is pretty cool.

Anyway, everything is going pretty good over here. Just school and work. Both things are going well though. I am taking Calculus 1 and Microeconomics. I like both classes. Econ is interesting. Calc is a puzzle so it's fun. Calc is different than any other math I've taken, it’s confusing as hell. We have been working overtime at work because we're so busy. I love it, time is flying by. We did a 4 day stretch of 13 hour days. I got home at 7:30, showered and climbed into bed haha. It was cool though. I love my job. I have so many things to learn over there, then I get home and have homework/reading. It’s not bad. -- There is a little bit more drama here though. This is more like high school than the higher level prison i was at before. Everyone is just so in every one else’s business, and there’s more dudes here that have never been to a higher level so they’re not afraid, it’s funny. Oh, and there’s some gay dudes that act like little girls. Haha. -- I just stay away from most people, most of them. I put a sheet up on the side of my bed and chill in my own little fort. TV on while I study, it’s my own little man cave. Haha.

I hope you are well buddy. I also hope to hear from you soon. If you want to, you can read any of this to your students. I don’t know, I just wanted to say that’s fine with me. Let me know if you want me to write something specifically to them. I just don't know what to say, I may need your help or direction. Let me know.  

This is all I have had time to answer so far. I will write back to your letter and the rest of the questions very soon. I’ll send them ASAP.

Make sure you read #4 especially and make sure that’s okay to say to them. -- I have strong feeling about kids and drinking obviously, there is so much to say about it. It would take me a while to really clarify it. But bottom line! I don’t think you could ever tell a kid not to drink. -- If you don’t like what I said, help me find a different back.

Hey,save all these, or send them back to me. I’m eventually going to write a book and these would be cool to put in there. 

Talk soon. Oh, I tried calling you yesterday. It’s a weird Texas area code? 

            - Lester

Yes. I believe in a loving, forgiving God. I read all kinds of books on religion. Buddhism is one of my favorites. Meditation helped me a lot when I was alone in a cell for 23 hours a day. I found Christianity after being arrested. It gave me a lot of peace and joy even in a dark place. I was way into the Bible. I read it every day. In many ways this was the beginning and the power behind my needed transformation. Although I didn’t know I needed it at the time. I got out on bail 18 months after that and I slacked big time. I went to church 2 or 3 times and I only read the Bible once. When I lost my trial and went back to jail, I got back into the Bible because I knew it would help. I was pretty distraught having just been found guilty. Thoughts of suicide and disappointment in who I reverted back into while I was out crept into my mind. That was the most difficult time of my life. It has been a few years and although I feel I have lagged a bit in my religious practices, I have a great relationship with God. I pray and I am pretty happy with that. I’m relatively comfortable now so I think this is  how I think and act when I get out. There is always so much to say about this subject but I will just say that I don’t like when people push their beliefs on others or even when that’s all they talk about. I want to help people and I want to live such a way that people will want the peace and joy I have found and will ask me how I found it. In my opinion,that’s how it should work.

       2. Are you nervous about technology advances?

Depending on what day of the week it is , my emotions are all over the place when I think about all of the technology advances that have already come and what I’m sure is still to come. I have always loved computers; when I was a kid, we had an Apple Z. That was before Microsoft developed Windows. That thing didn’t even have a mouse, but I use to play games on it and I thought it was awesome. I can still remember having a dial UP modem on my ob my first computer. Probably the best way to age myself is to admit that I was on Myspace when Myspace was cool. Haha. I haven’t even used a computer with a version of Windows newer than XP. A guy at my work is about to get out after 20 something years and I’m helping to get his computer. It has Windows 7 (which is old now) and AutoCAD. I’m doing everything to keep up. I’m going to read all of the books a Computer Science major would read for a Bachelor’s degree . So yeah, I’m mostly excited about all of the new tech but I’m also mad that so much is changing. I’m trying to read as many books as I can, but it’s like I’m learning all these old school programs and programming languages as everything is changing. This makes me wonder if I’m wasting my time. All of that being said, you can trust and believe that I will not let a car drive me around or even have that much control of the brakes. That is crazy. 

       3. How exactly do you go to school?

Going to school for me really isn’t all that exciting. The school sends me a handbook with all my homework and reading assignments. My dad send me the book from Amazon.com. I read the entire book, I may have to write a few papers or take a few quizzes on a scantron. For Trig and Calculus I have had a lot of homework problems from the book. Then I send them all to my school through the mail. Most importantly, I take a midterm and final in front of a teacher here in a classroom. I have already earned two A.A. ‘s. One in Math & Science and the other was in business. A Colorado State University accepted all those credits, so it must be somewhat legit. Now I’m working on my Bachelor’s in Business, I think I only have like 14 more classes to go. 

        4. Any wisdom you have to offer

This question is more loaded than the one on religion. I think I have made so many mistakes in my life that I could write a book about all the lessons I’ve learned. But I think because I was so young when I got arrested I should probably try to relate this to an age appropriate topic. You all are going to be faced with a lot of choices and decisions throughout the rest of your life, but the ones you will face in the next few years are of a rare form. When you are older, you know what it feels like to live with a past of failures, mistakes, and accomplishments. You will have years of experience to pull from when you’re making decisions. You will most likely have a better idea of what you want out of life, things you want to do, and the person you want to be. It’s hard to see this when you're young, and what’s more is the decisions you make today will affect your entire future and future decisions. Between the ages of 15 and 20, and all I could think about was the immediate present tense. I had trouble seeing  a week in advance. It will be difficult for many of you to control your impulse decisions when you experience the new found freedoms of high school and college. It is important to try to learn from what are hopefully small mistakes on your part but it is also very important to learn from other people’s mistakes. I guess what I’m really trying to get at is if you choose to drink, be really careful. I personally don’t think it’s a good idea, it is unnecessary. And what good has ever come from drinking? But then again, you have to make your own decisions and learn your own lessons sometimes. So,if you do drink, don’t lose control. Don’t ever depend on someone to take care of you , and don’t be afraid to call your parents.  They’d rather you be safe than in danger right? I always thought that I was smarter than everyone, stronger than everyone, and I never thought anything bad could ever happen to me. I was always responsible, even the night in question. I was planning on walking home, then my manager drove us to my house. My point is that things can change very quickly and alcohol can really affect your ability to think straight, or even walk on your own. Now I’m here in prison for 15 years-to-life and I don’t even remember most of the night. All I can tell you is that I would never want to hurt someone. I have walked away from almost every fight I have faced. I am extremely non-violent. But from the witnesses’ account, it sounds like I thought those dudes were trying to steal my truck. When I tried to stop them, one of them beat me up pretty good and kicked me in the head a couple of times and it looks like I got in my truck and went after them. But because I have no memory of it, I had to sit through trial with no ability to say my side of the story. It took me a little while to fully understand my fault in this, but it goes back to my decisions and complete lack of responsibility. Things can turn very bad, very quickly; the sooner you understand that, the smarter you will be. Keep your head screwed on straight so you are ready for whatever comes your way.

Ofcourse I do. I did not grow up in this type of lifestyle like many of these guys did. And throughout my time I have been constantly told by staff, other inmates, and even a Warden that I am different and don’t belong here. But that is one of the worst mindsets I could possibly have. I’m in prison just like all these dudes, I put myself here just like they did; I’m no better than them. If anything, I’m worse than a lot of these guys because I killed someone,obviously,but also because I threw away so much more than most of the guys in here. Honestly, it took me a little while to realize this but once I did, I just tried to concentrate on myself and I started seeing a lot of my issues. I got pretty close with a few other lifers in a self-help group and I learned so much about myself and people from them. People in general are all very similar in many ways; We all have issues, flaws, and insecurities. Everyone learns how to deal with these things in different ways and many of us don’t realize or understand that other people have the same feelings,thoughts, or whatever in their lives. So when I started seeing what made me tick and how my actions and words had affected others, I began to change the things about myself that I did not like. One of those buddies I made at the last prison pointed out that what makes me different from most, but not all, of these dudes is that I make better decisions and I try to better myself. 

       

            6. How has prison changed you? How hasn’t prison changed me?

I used to be only concerned with my racing career and girls. I was all about the present and my own selfish worth and needs. I was a terrible friend because I only cared about myself and I had no idea what a real friend was. I had hundreds of friends and I thought that was all that mattered. All of that stems from being insecure and not really knowing who I was. I hated school, I didn’t like being around so many people and I didn’t think i was smart enough to go to College. Just the thought of going to College used to give me anxiety. The only thing I used to think I was good at was racing, so I threw all my eggs into that basket. Which is why I was so lost when I decided to quit racing after four bug crashes and four surgeries. I also used to run from every difficult situation, especially girls and relationships. Which is why when everything         started to fall apart, I was just going to move to Mexico. Today I have a pretty good understanding of who I am, I no longer feel the need to be someone else around some people just to get them to like me. I have found that people tend to respect that more than anything, especially in prison where most people portray themselves to be something they’re not. (Prison is no much like highschool, you have no idea.) As I became more secure in who I am, I became more empathetic as I was no longer so concerned with myself and other’s opinion of me. I don’t make fun of people just to make myself feel better anymore,  I have come to realize that my words and actions affect other people. In all of this I have become a more caring person and my friendships have become a better balance of give and take And last but not least, prison has helped to stir up a healthy hunger for education. I've gone from a pretty average student who couldn't even pass algebra 2 to an honors student; I get mad when I get a  “B”. I have learned that the only thing that limits  you from learning something is your own determination. This place is a challenge and I am determined to not let it ruin me or define me. It took me a  long time to learn these things, I'm going to be a little behind the curve when I get out. Do me and yourselves a favor and learn from my mistakes, learn everything you can, don't be short sighted,treat people kindly, and don't ever let something or someone define you. Then you'll be ready for whatever comes your way.

              7. What is your daily routine?

You can sleep in as long as you don't have a job, and were not supposed to have alarm clocks. I just automatically wake up anytime before 4 and 5. I immediately brush my teeth, ash my face, and make cup of coffee. Then I roll up my mattress halfway so it's kind of like a couch and I study until six. Anyone that works in the factory goes to breakfast first, usually around 6:10. So I put on my work clothes and clean the floor while I wait. We go straight to work after we eat. At work I pretty much manage the production of cubicle panels like the ones you see at the DMV. Actually, all the California DMV’s buy cubicles from this factory because we have a contract with the state. I don't do a whole lot of actual work anymore because I wrote a program and database that cut my work in half. I just process orders and distribute the work out to the floor, and I control about 100 items in inventory. If I’m not busy with that, I’m learning Auto CAD which is a Computer aided 3D Design program. Right now I’m putting together an entire bicycle from scratch. At 9:00 I go to the welding Department and work out with five of my buddies. We do burpees for 15 minutes. Lately we have been getting in 8 sets of 20. It used to about kill me, and when I couldn’t finish, I had to go back at 2:00 because I “owed”. I can keep up now most of the time but I walk away looking like I just went swimming. I used to train a lot for racing and this workout puts me to shame, I had no idea you could get so exhausted so quick. I go back to the office (drenched) until 11:30 which is when I go back to the welding department for a half hour of torture with my buddies. We leave work around 3:30, strip search on our way out, bend over and cough,the whole bit. I shower and try to get on the phone when I get back to the building. Then it’s kick back time before dinner. I try to do more homework, but sometimes I just want to watch T.V. I have my own 13” T.V. (flatscreen) It’s hanging from the bunk  above me. So I can watch T.V. whenever I want but the number of channels varies from day to day because the cement walls and the fact that we’re in the middle of nowhere. Most of the time I got the major channels, Fox, NBC, CBS, ABS. I don’t watch a whole lot of T.V. I usually just have it on a while I chill, read, or write. I listen to music a lot though. I have a little radio, and they just started letting us buy these little tablets for music and games. They're pretty cool, but we only have really simple cell-phone type games. We go to dinner around 5:15 and then I go to a self-help groups  three nights a week. After that I don’t get much else done, maybe another phone call, maybe some homework. I try to go to bed around 8:30 or 9:00, so I may watch a show or two if I have reception. That’s it, that has been my day for about eight months and it was not much different the seven years before that. It seems a little more monotonous here but time has been going by so fast and I have so many opportunities at work it’s really not that bad.

**** I promise I will have the rest of your questions done soon. I hope all is well.

                                    

                                                                               -Lester

     Future Step Brother-in-law

What up! I just got your letter about an hour ago. I’m stoked you and your students liked my answers. That was fun actually. I look forward to responding to the rest of them.I have just been so drained. Calculus is kicking my butt, and work has just been so exhausting. Very cool, but exhausting.Time is flying by so fast here and that is mostly because of my job. Right now I am learning Auto CAD, 3D computer aided design, it is so rad. I have a book  that I’m just working through on my free time. I guess there is good money for someone that knows how to use it, so I jumped on it. After some time I will go to the machine shop to learn all that and the computer program they use. Then I’m going to go to the welding. There’s just so many opportunities, it’s awesome. On top of that, I have been working twice a day for a while now. At 9:00 Am Mon- Thurs. My buddies and I do burpees/ push ups/ squats/ lunges or some mixture of these for 15 minutes straight. GNARLY! I use to train all the time, I have never pushed so hard. At first I couldn’t keep up so I had to go back at 2 and pay back what I “owed”. → “You owe” is a very common saying in our group. If you miss a workout or are late, “you owe”. If you talk too much shit to someone in the group or call them a name, “you owe”. :) Kind of like how you make your students do push ups for cussing, which I love. So, anyways, after 15 minutes I am covered in sweat. Then I go back at 11:30 for a half hour with these dudes. I hate the 9 o'clock session but I always feel better afterward. So that;s why my day flies by so fast and why I’m so drained. 

How crazy is it that those two are engaged? I’m so stoked on it. I think they are perfect for each other. I like Steve, I think he’s a great dude. I like talking to him he’s pretty interesting. So I look forward to chilling with them. And I was so relieved when I called and I heard her surgery went well. She sounds so much better on the phone, and she’s happier. That's very cool. 

I can’t believe so many people are messed up about the election. I mean that’s fine to be upset if you voted and prefer Hillary, that’s cool, I respect that to the fullest. But I can’t believe all the protests. Some protest is legit. Sometimes necessary. But I think many people are just there because it’s a disturbance. So many people didn’t even vote and now they’re mad. Personally, I think Trump is an idiot, but I don’t trust Hillary at all. I can’t say I’d prefer him but it is interesting that he has so many controversial ideas and apparently some people like these ideas. -- But I wanted to say was I can’t believe your students are so messed up over the election. George W was an idiot though, for sure. I’m stoked that you felt that my spiel on drinking was at least appropriate enough to read to them. I was very unsure of how that would come across and I feel a responsibility to the you th and their parents to tell them the truth while teaching them the dangers I guess. I don't want to B.S. kids but I don't want to say something that their parents don’t want me to say to their kids, you know? - So I’m glad they liked that. I’m working on the rest of the questions. There’s just so much to say! I have a tendency to leave things out when I write so I’m trying to be clear. 

Dude, all that being a dad stuff sounds like too much for me when I get out. I am torn between wanting a bunch of “me” time doing what I want when I want after this and having kids/family/grandkids. I’ve us lost so much time and there are so many things I want to do. That is very big of you to be such a big part in raising your daughter.I imagine it is something special to have  kid. I realized that when I met my nieces. I love them like they’re mine. 

It’s kinda funny but I’m the same about being ignored. I can’t stand it, I think there are a few reasons for me but it all boils down to insecurity issues I guess. It’s weird because I have grown a lot and it still bugs me more than most anything, I think because I used to ignore people and I did it for many reasons. Maybe I am projecting my own character defects onto the people who ignore me? I just try not to let it bother me, I’m usually over reacting, so I try to remember that. It's ridiculous that your former students didn’t even thank you. I’m sorry to hear that. Maybe he has more going on in his life than you know about and he has a decent excuse. I’m sure he doesn’t have ill-will toward you or he would not have had you do this wedding. Not only is the human psyche a funny thing, people are just funny in general. Something I have been working on for years is asking myself if I’m going to let one relatively insignificant thing have that big of an effect on my day/mood/life. My big issue is staff here, I try not to give them that kind of power over my mood/day/life or else I’d be miserable all the time. 

Anyways, i am almost done with the next installment of questions. I hope the kids like them and get something from them. Hope to talk to you on the phone soon. 

                                                             -Lester

I don’t know exactly what you guys think is special. Everything seems pretty normal to me now. To me, the things that make me most comfortable are: My job which has many perks such as working out, learning possibilities, being in an atmosphere that is not prison, and 60 bucks a month (40 cents an hour.) My education and having something productive to do keeps me sane. And I just got a tablet a few months ago with a bunch of music and a few games. The games are okay, I really like the music, but I hope they let us have E-mail on them soon. Beyond that, we have yard a lot here so you can go outside a lot. My mom can send me a package once every three months. I get to go to store on the yard at least once a month. I’ll try to remember to send an order form. There are also a lot of sport leagues: softball, football, soccer, basketball, volleyball and dudes are always playing handball or horseshoes. This place even has a stationary bike on the yard! And there are always a lot of card games or board games going on in the building. Some dudes even play Dungeons and dragons. Boredom breeds ingenuity. 

 

9. Can you watch T.V. at any time?

I know I already told you about my T.V. but there is also a big screen T.V. out in the dayroom, which is just a big area in the middle of the building where a lot of people fo o kick it or play cards. You can watch T.V. out there but you’re pretty much going to watch what EVERYONE wants to watch, unless it comes to sports. Sports are mandatory. I t doesn’t matter if only one dude wants to watch the game, he gets his way. The cool thing about that T.V. is the prison fees us a channel where they play newer movies. I’ve watched a few out there. It’s fun every once in awhile. Eat a whole bunk of junk food or popcorn and get lost in a movie. That’s fine with me.

10. Is there a bed time?

I think it's 11:00 on weeknights, and I think it’s 2:00 am on Friday and Saturday night. I’ve only stayed up past 11:00 one time to watch Saturday night live, because Dave Chappelle is hilarious. The bright lights are dimmed around 10:00 pm and turned back up around 5:00 am.

11. Has this not have happened, what would you be doing?

Honestly, I have no idea and I think about this all the time. If I hadn’t quit racing, I probably could have raced a few big Pro races, I had a little talent, jught not enough heart to really be a contender. If I had moved to Mexico, I would probably be in jail down there.haha. I was pretty lost, and my drinking probably would have gotten worse before it got better. I probably would have dated to many girls and not treated any of them very well. I was so stubborn, I’d like to think I would have found my way, but I’m not sure if anything but prison would have been able to help me realize what a jerk I used to be. My dad disagrees, and I am probably making myself out to be worse than I really was, but I just don't like who I used to be. I had everything I ev could have asked for; I could have done with all the opportunities I had, and I threw all that away. It’s so hard to say who I would have become but I don’t think the person I am today would like that person very much.

12. What channels can you watch?

I answered this one on one of the other questions.

13. How often do you think of the person you killed with your truck?

Every single day, it’s hard not to really. When I get out I’m going to have some thing from this experience to remind me of him. I think that is a really important thing, I will have to remember all that I’ve done, all that I’ve learned,all that I;m working for, and all that I’m living for now. I never want to lose track of any of that. 

14. Have you ever apologized to him or his family?

I used to apologize to him out loud all the time when I was in a cell by myself now I do in my prayers. I wrote him mom a letter, the D.A. said he would try to locate her if she wanted to read it. I haven’t heard from him or her. I have no idea if he could ever find her because she lives in Nicaragua. 

Finally I am sorry I took so long to finish this. U was so swamped with Calculus. That was a challenge, but I just took the final and I think I'll get an “A” or a “B”. I really enjoyed your questions and answering them. I appreciate your interest and I hope my life and lessons have a good influence on your lives. If you have anymore questions I’d love to hear them. I wish you all the best. 

I just realized that both of your letters were post-marked on the same day, but I got your letter 10 days ago and I just got all the kids’ letters today. I wonder if the mail room read them? Haha. Maybe it was just because Christmas. Gotta love prison. It was cool to finally talk to you on the phone. Sorry I had to go so quick, 4:30 is count time. (they count everyone to make sure no one escaped.) I just wanted to tell you that I got all the letters. You already know that Christmas was a less than enjoyable day for me, but the two days later my computer crashed. All weekend all that I kept thinking was that I couldn’t wait to go back to work so I could go back to learning AutoCAD. I was so bummed. I don’t even know if I’ll get that program whenever I get a new computer. The only reason I tell you this is to say that these letters completely lifted my spirits. It’s funny how things always seem to work that way. I really just can’t believe how interested your students are. It’s been awhile since I was 16, and I’ve been in here so I wasn’t sure how I would come across. I’m stoked even more about writing a book and talking in classrooms when I get out of. 

Anyway, I’m gonna get right to these questions because I have like 6 letters to respond to.

*** As required by Brickey, I’m switching to a pen now. He can be so demanding, I feel for you guys.***

#15. How has counseling and group therapy helped you? What has it shown you or taught you?

I have been fortunate enough to have been in a few small groups with some guys that I trusted. We had a psychologists with us and she often participated in the discussions. It was a great atmosphere and  we were all comfortable enough to share and give each other honest feedback. I learned the most from these guys’ opinion of me, how I treated people in my past, and how I was treating them and other people on that yard. I had no idea how mean my “jokes” were, I didn’t know how much my words and actions affected others. As this began to sink in, I started to feel bad; it’s not like `i` ever intended to be a mean person. I was just so self-centered, I had a pretty gnarly superiority complex, and I had trouble putting myself in other people’s shoes. I was just generally bad at relationships because I could only consider myself, this made me especially terrible to girls. Anyway, this remorse made me reflect on my whole life and how I had always treated people pretty poorly. A lot of my friends used to call me “Lester the Pester” in highschool because I used to pick on them and everyone I was around. I started to realize that it was a defense mechanism I used when I was uncomfortable or insecure. This was a bit of news for me because if you had asked me in highschool, I would have told you I was the coolest person I knew. It was enlightening to see things from another point of view and to realize there was a reason for my behavior. I had learned many, if not all, my character traits, the good and the bad. And the fact that they were learned meant I could change the things i didn’t like. So because of groups and some really good guys I’ve met in here, I have really been working on becoming a more caring and empathetic person.

#16. Do you go to support groups because you have to or because you choose to?

Honestly, I started going to A.A while I was out on bail because my lawyer told me it would look good for trial and sentencing. And he said I would have to go if I don’t get much time. So I went to 90 meetings in 90 days because that’s what he said to do. After that, I got burnt out on it, I got comfortable, and I stopped going. After that, I went right back into custody and began reflecting on my life again. I immediately regretted not going to A.A. the entire time I was out. Not every day, but maybe once a week. I think it would have been good to keep me grounded in reality. It is interesting when you get together with other people and admit or talk about things that most people are too afraid to talk about. Even with that in mind when I got to prison, I started going to groups only because that’s what the parole board wants. I didn’t expect it to be the same as it was on the streets and I definitely didn’t expect to learn from any of these dudes. But like I’ve said before, this is one of the worst mindsets I could ever have. I wrote down this quote from Bill By the science guy of all people: “Every person you ever meet knows something you don’t.” No matter where I have found myself I have been able to connect to people and learn about them, in so doing I have learned from them. Everyone has different experiences in life and people grow up in different cultures, so we all tend to look at things in contrasting ways. It took me a little while to apply this toward groups in prison, not only for me either. A lot of guys told me how much my opinion has helped them. Even in all the business books I’ve read they utalk about how diversity in a business helps the company appeal to a broader range of customers. I have learned so much from all these guys over the years, I think it has been incredibly beneficial to me. I have gotten to know so many people, gotten to really understand them and I really believe we are all basically the same. We are all especially similar in our need for a sense of belonging or being accepted. I think this is one of the reasons A.A  works so well, no matter who you are, or where you’ve been, you are immediately accepted as soon as you walk through the door.And who better to accept  and understand an alcoholic than a group that had collectively done and seen it all? Not only that, I think that everyone could benefit from some sort of group that supports them and holds them accountable. The same goes for the 12 steps, I finally finished writing my steps 6 months ago. I still learned new things about myself even after years of reflection. I have tried to bring in this mentality and everything I’ve learned in these groups into all of my relationships. My workout group is a perfect example of this. We all accept each other even our flaws, we hold each other accountable to a high standard, and we try to support each other by building each other up. Sometimes we fail terribly with that last one because we are all very good at talking trash, but then we owe push ups. And when we pray each day after the workout and you hear that sincerity all that nonsense goes out the window and we all know we’re brothers. It’s interesting, I think we all need to be reaffirmed sometimes. The most important thing to me though is that I know that I can talk to them about anything that’s on my mind and `i` know they’re going to be honest with me. So I guess because I feel like my biggest overall character defects was my inability to be in a healthy relationship with anyone, self-help groups have completely changed my life.

#17. Do you think you were or are an alcoholic?

You guys ask good questions. This one has plagued me for years. It had been very difficult for me to admit because it had such a negative connotation in my mind, Growing up it was just so looked down upon. But, yes, of course I was, and therefore I am, an alcoholic.Drinking affected my job, it affected my life, it affected my friends, family ad every relationship I had. More than that, even though alcohol itself did not kill Deyvis, it was a factor in my behavior however you want to look at it. That being said, I think alcoholism is an incredibly complex issue in the human condition. I think the actual alcohol abuse ( or use of any drug really) is usually just a symptom of some internal or emotional issue. I can’t really talk for everyone, but for me I think that makes sense. I never really learned how to deal with difficult situations very well. If I could somehow run, or escape, from something, I would, every time. I just didn’t like dealing with difficult emotions or working very hard at anything really. I know this seems obvious, but I was on a whole different level, and for the most part it worked for me because things always seemed to go my way and everything was just handed to me. This was especially true with friends and relationships with girls. I have ran away from so many potential relationships with great girls, it’s not even funny.One of whomw as a friend of 10 years and an actress another had become such a good friend she has supported me through this whole thing. She still answers her phone and comes to visit after 10 years. So we can safely assume that I was the problem. It was pretty similar with my friends. I had a bunch of different groups of people I kicked it with and I never got close to anyone, I just rotated groups. I tell you this to explain my tendency to run and  to show why racing was both the greatest and worst thing for me, then I’ll relate it to drinking, I promise. For many years, racing was my escape from everything. It was my source of strength  and security, (it was my everything) because I thought for sure I was going to go pro. This eventually got so bad I sort of felt superior to most people, but this was how I learned to deal with difficult situations. So after I quit racing, I had no plan, I was scared, and on top of that I was embarrassed to see any of my racing buddies because I had failed to go pro. I lost that source of security I had gotten from racing. I had seen so many people drink throughout my life and I had no more racing career to worry about, so I didn’t think drinking was such a bad idea. That’s when I learned that drinking and smoking was an easy repricue, I found a new way to run. I didn’t have to deal with or even think about all the drama going on in my life. I didn’t have to think about or worry about where my life was going, but this is such a terrible long term solution. I lost all my ambition, it made me comfortable and content with being a bum. If I could have kept running from everything and drinking, I never would have learned how to deal with life and difficult situations. Prison had made me deal with a lot of my baggage and a lot of difficult situations.  There is no running in here, I have had to be alone with myself in a cell for months on end. I had to make peace real quick or I would have gone insane. Also I learned I couldn’t keep treating people so bad, again there’s no running and I always get beat up few times in the beginning. 

#18. Are there any books you have read that you relate to or have impacted you?

This one was interesting for me, I have never really thought about this before. I read seventy- something non-fiction books while I was in County Jail. They were mostly ridiculous books like Stephen King and John Grisham. I don’t think I ever really related to any of these books. In Prison I have mostly read textbooks but I did read one novel I kind of related to. It was called “The Art of Racing in the Rain.” The guy in it raced cars, but the story was told from the point of view of his dog, which sounds weird but it was cool. They guy had to work through some tough things (I think he lost someone & quit racing) and he related life to racing. He ended up with a cool family and he test drove cars for Ferrari… Maybe a bit dumb, but it’s somewhat similar, and I wouldn’t mind an ending like that, I’m a bit of a dreamer. As far as impacting me, I would have to say this book I just read called “The Relationship Cure”. I liked how it explained our need for love from others and it made a lot of sense to me when it explained how to be in a healthy relationship.

#19. How close were you to the man who lost his life?

In all actuality, I did not know Deyvis for that long. I can’t remember how long I even worked there now, maybe a month or two? But Deyvis and I just got along well, he was always trying to help me with my spanish, and covering for me when i made mistakes because I was not the best waiter. He was just a good dude, he always had a smile on his face, he had a kind heart, he was definitely someone you wanted in your life. 

#20. Was going to Mexico an actual plan or were you thinking of “going on the lamb” back when you were going through trial?

I had been a little curious why no one had said anything about this before. I was planning on moving down there before I even got in trouble. I loved it down there, my sister met her now husband while we were in Puerto Vallarta for vacation, so we started to visit a lot. I loved the culture, the people, the partying, and it wasn’t here. Yep, you guessed it, I wanted to run. I was just sick of being here once I decided to quit racing. There was a lot of drama going on in my family and in my life (or so I thought) and Mexico was. It was very inexpensive to live there. I used to be driven by having a good story to tell and my move to Mexico seemed like it would be a good one. I even found an apartment to rent and the night I got arrested I had given my manager my two week notice. I was so stupid, could you imagine if I had gotten in trouble down there? On a related note, I did go back to Puerto Vallarta while I was out on bail, my sister married the dude we met on vacation. That was a crazy experience, brought back a lot of old feelings, I loved that city. I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t think about running. (seems to be a recurring theme) I didn’t know what was going to happen at trial, but I didn’t think I was going to get this much time, if any time at all. And my mom, Grandma, and sister collectively had a half million cash on my bail. Like I said, it was a crazy situation. What would I have done if I had known? I don’t know the answer for certain, I want to say I would do the honorable thing but that trip really messed with me. I cried the whole flight home and while I was telling my girlfriend I needed some time to think. We broke up after I stopped talking to her. I think I told you I wasn’t too happy with who I reverted back into while out on bail, that all started after Mexico and breaking up with Tina.

*** I am sending three extra things. I want them back after you guys read them. These are my only copies. At the last prison I was at we had a really cool program where we invited schools to send us their troubled or “at-risk” young me so we could take them on a tour of a level 3 prison. Like “scared straight” but not. We were nice to them, we just tried to educate them and show them the reality of life and the likely outcome of their decisions. Pretty gnarly kids actually. One has since then been arrested for attempted murder. It was a cool program overall though. I think we got though some kids too. So one of the things I’m sending is my typed speech I got to say to a couple of tours. I was so nervous I was shaking! Please excuse this story, we were limited on time, I had to memorize it and I had no idea what I was doing. None of us did. The next thing is a brochure from that group, cool drawing of a cell. That’s pretty much what mine looked like, but even on a good day mine wasn’t that neat. I had a bunch of stuff. I know a dude that was high up in a huge gang and did 20 years in the hole who lived like that though. Lastly, I;m sending one of my favorite things I have ever read. 

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well. Things are god here, Oh , I did somewhere between 450 & 500 pushups the other day. A personal best. Every part of my body hurt.

 --- Hope to hear from you soon --- Lester

Lester:

 On Friday you called 3 times and it was one of those “perfect storms” where every time you called I was somehow occupied, on baby duty, teaching class or what have-you. Today is Sunday and right now I am watching my 2 year-old make a mess of her cheerios and hoping you call today.

 I have enclosed your 2 pictures and 3 letters from the students, in addition to this letter of course. Some of these kids who are writing….it is just really cool that they feel compelled to do so and when you told me that the prison officials were asking about it it made me wish that i could explain to them, or anyone, how GREAT this experience has been for the kids and me.

 I got 2 of your letters on thursday, to Bryan and Samantha. These letters were beautiful and I noticed how you shared a bit more about the gnarly side of prison. You did it in the right way, tastefully without sharing too much and even that made me really think about you in a way that I hope you are okay. Maybe it is me projecting but I sort of sensed that you might be grinding a bit so I just thought I would put that out there. If you are sick or burned out I can imagine/understand 100%.

 Dude I am on the “outside” and there are parts of my life that I sometimes feel burned out on. Silly mundane tasks can send you to extreme boredom or frustration and it will gobble you up for a couple hours.
There are parts of teaching that will get you too. 170 kids a day 5 days in a row is a lot which is why you have to build relationships and be sort of a counselor at times because these kids lives can be pretty rough. So all of that stresses me out at times but not in a way to be overly concerned about….just sort of in a way that is natural when you keep getting older and the kids keep getting younger and more into their phones. : )

 One of the parts of your existence is the concept of walls and prisons, literally and figuratively. So many people, including myself, put ourselves in little boxes that we use to confine or protect ourselves. I recently wrote a poem that I need to refine…..it is about you and how there are parts of you that are more “free” than anyone I know. I will continue to remind you that the “outside” may eventually disappoint you and you will likely find yourself surprised at how UNalive so many people can be. I would imagine some of your friends will fall into that category too. 

I LOVE being an american but there are aspects to our lives that are NUMBING. Blessed in so many ways.....sometime too blessed to the point where you can't relax! So yin and yang! 
Our daughter Marina is a delight. It is great to hear how you describe your nieces. Having a daughter is a really big deal and I am pretty sure I told you we are only having ONE. I went and had that procedure real quick and it was NOT fun believe me.  A number of people, including a math teacher at the school this past Thursday 4/6, approach me and sort of tell me that one kid is not enough…..”you’ll want to have more”…..but that isn’t happening!  It is nice of them to think that but just not what Jenn or I want. We love our daughter and having her has been hugely rewarding but the impact on your daily life is impossible to overstate and it is not, in my opinion, nearly as cool as being on your own time. My wife feels the same way. It is a tricky idea that can be taken the wrong way but it is our truth. Spoken like an only child!!!

Take care and talk soon my friend

Dear Parole Board/Department of Corrections:

Lester Varnum came into my life through his mother , who will be marrying my wife’s stepdad this coming July.  B----- told me about Lester’s situation and I was interested while also wanting to honor B------, who we appreciate very much.

Last July I met Lester in the visiting area of Avenal Prison. For 5 plus hours we sat and talked and I told him I had a feeling that my 170 students at Oxnard High might be interested in his story. Lester is a graduate of a school in our district, Camarillo, and high school kids typically are interested in the incarcerated, especially when there is a story behind it, and Lester has an illuminating story. 

Through letters he has written, Lester has told my students his story while becoming a MENTOR-like figure to them. They await his letters, listen intently to his words, and file it away in their brains in a place where it sticks. I know that it sticks because they can recite Lester’s crime, his views on alcohol, his thoughts and memories of his victim, and how they came to learn about him.

The students have read the newspaper articles about what happened in October 2006, when Lester made a horrific mistake that was the tragic culmination of a lost period in his life. Society and our judicial system came down hard on Lester and he has taken it and carries no bitterness while taking complete ownership of his actions. The kids have asked him extensively about Deyvis Sousa (“your victim”), prayed for Deyvis Sousa, and written letters to Lester describing loss and tragedy in their own lives. 

The power of Lester’s letters lie in their honesty and vulnerability. They have given a portal to the students of a man who has allowed his heart to break open rather than shut. For them he offers a perspective I believe they have come to trust, in spite of my many admonitions that you should not make a habit of trusting the incarcerated, however awkward or honest that may sound.

Ultimately I believe Lester has offered a case study in the redemptive power of writing and the value of a humane criminal justice system, which I am so grateful to for having placed Lester in a safe environment. I read far too much to take something like this for granted. 

So thank you so much to the prison system of the State of California for what you have done for Lester. You have helped produce a man who has stepped up for my students and continues to do so.

You have also prepared a man to be a good citizen, in my humble opinion.

Thank you for your attention to this letter

Best

Marcell Brickey

Ventura CA

marcell.brickey@ouhsd.k12.ca.us

Phone: 805 -----

Dear ----------:

Thanks for writing; I really enjoyed your letter. It is crazy how much some of these letters have been hitting so close to home with me.  Yours is no different, I relate to a lot of what you said. 

First of all, I love computers, I always have.  I used to mod mine when I was a kid. I always wanted a water-cooled system.  Just cause it’s cool, I’m not a gamer. I used to play around with HTML, Javascript, and flash media. I always enjoyed it, I had no idea that I could have gone to school for it. Now I’m sitting here reading electrical/computer engineering textbooks for fun! I would like to do something with computer programming when I get out.  What do you code?  What languages do you know/like? Have you thought about going to college for a computer science degree? There is so much demand for skilled programmers.

Anyway, I’m sorry to hear that you get depressed often. I get depressed like once a month (my cycle perhaps?). It can be so hard to shake and nothing really seems to matter. Like what’s the point? And that is such a scary place to be. You said that computers keep you from thinking about what is wrong with you.  I’m really sorry you feel that way buddy. I have no idea how I can convince you of this, especially not knowing what you’re referring to, but I can tell you right now that there is nothing wrong with you. There is no characteristic that you could possess that would cause anyone in their right mind to think that you have something wrong with you. The more I have learned about myself and people in general, the more I have come to realize that we are all incredibly insecure, we all have issues, and these facts have a great deal of influence on most, if not all, our behavior. I believe that once a person can recognize this, they can then become more secure in themselves.  We’re all different man.  I stand out like a sore thumb in prison and most people in here seem to like and respect me for being me and not trying to pretend to be something I’m not. If someone can’t like me for me, I am okay with it now because it shows a lot more about that person and I know that I don’t want to be friends with them.

That brings me to my next point. There is nothing wrong about liking the anonymity of the internet. I was way into meeting girls online when social media was still in its infancy. I had no idea who I really was so I had no real self-esteem. It was all a front when I was at school or with friends. On the internet, I could be whoever I wanted to be and say whatever I wanted to say.  There were no perceivable repercussions to my words, no uncomfortable feelings from rejection. It’s not weird because there is a very desirable benefit from anonymity.  Even when I was talking to girls I had known for years, I could say things online that I could never say to their face. Almost everyone I know would rather text than talk on the phone.  The point where this anonymity became a problem for me was when I began to depend on it. I never had to learn any real communication skills, which came back to bite me many times as communication is one of the most important requirements for a healthy relationship. I never had a healthy relationship until I was in jail and realized these truths.  It took a tragedy, some patient friends, and a lot of vulnerability on my part for me to even begin to build some relationships. My use of anonymity was a coping mechanism. The thing is we learn to behave by seeing what works. Eventually though, coping mechanisms can become habits, character defects, and/or addictions. 

My dad always pushed me to be better too.  I was so lazy and stubborn though. He was really hard on my sister and I.  I have talked to him about it alot over the years.  Sometimes parents make mistakes.  They try things because they care; however, they don’t have all the answers. I am sorry about whatever happened, it seems like you have a good attitude about it though. 

I’m really glad that you wrote -----.  I hope this all made sense and it at least makes you pause and think. I am sure you are an amazing person, the sooner YOU see that the sooner you can show other people. Be who you are, there is nothing wrong with that.  Please stick with your computer/coding passion. The world needs more of us!  You’ll go far - keep your head on straight!

Sincerely 

Lester

Dear Samantha A:

Thank you for your letter!  I’m glad you decided to write because your feelings are so very common. I used to struggle hard with my appearance and my body shape. I always liked the prettiest girls in school and they never liked me back. So, I felt unattractive. I was a lanky, 6 foot something, pale, redhead that was kind of a class clown. Even when I was training hard for racing, I was scrawny because I concentrated on endurance training. Insecurities are no joke. Mine usually ruled my behavior up until I got pretty fast on a dirtbike. Then racing gave me all the confidence I needed until I quit. I always trying to fix internal problems with external solutions. So, when I no longer had the image of a racer to boost my ego, I felt like a loser/failure. I think that’s why drinking to excess was so appealing to me. It was an other external solution to my internal problem/insecurities (low self esteem and my desire to be accepted). But I am here to tell you that this will never work, no external influence will ever good enough to solve internal problems. I was just avoiding reality and when I sobered up, my problems were still there. If I could have gotten a pretty girlfriend, I could have all of a sudden felt secure. I probably would have just felt like maybe she wasn’t all that if she was with me. It made me see everything from such a shallow/vain perspective and from there, there is always someone prettier. For you, even if you looked the way you think you want to look, you would still find something else you want to change. There is “no perfect” look, so no matter how good someone looks, there will always be someone better looking and something they’d like to change about themselves. External validation does not solve internal problems. All the “likes” in the world will not make us feel better. We need to learn how to build one self esteem internally, within ourselves and our lives. 

Interestingly, the day before I got your letter, my buddy gave me some random book that is essentially about success. I was hesitate to read it because I have a let on my plate, but I started it and I’m way into it. So, I was reading it the day after I got this last stack of letters and there was a part that reminded me so much of your letter/story. This back said something that is extremely similar to something I have been saying to a lot of your classmates this year. “I  saw that to do exceptionally well you have to push your limits, you will crash and it will hurt a lot. You will think you have failed - but that won’t be true unless you give up. Believe it or not, your pain will fade and you will have many other opportunities ahead of you, though you might not see them at the time. The most important thing you can do is the gather the lessons these failures provide and gain humility and radical open - mindedness in order to increase your chances of success. Then press on” - Dalio. What happens after we crash is most important. Successful people change in ways that allow them to continue to take advantage of their strengths while compensating for their weaknesses year, I have been telling a lot of your classmates that how you deal with difficulty currently in your life will likely dictate how you will deal with challenges in the future. Usually I say that you need to figure out what you want in the end. But you already know you want the old you back. So, you need to keep striving for that. You can’t quit. What did you learn from trying out and not making it? Are you going to let a shoe falling off and/or not making it define you? I recently heard a really cool explanation of self esteem. Essentially, you evaluate how you feel about yourself through judging your accomplishments/achievements. It’s not something you do consciously and it may not be very accurate as I believe is true in your case, so, I guess part of the question becomes, are you going to let one small mishap shape your own opinion of you? Would you want someone else to base their sole opinion of you on that? On the other side of that same coin, how are you going chance it? If you keep going with this negative outlook, do you think you’re going to achieve or accomplish anything that will make you feel good about yourself? The answer to that one is a resounding NO. So you have to do one or both of the following: simply change your opinion and/or pull yourself together and get going so you can accomplish some stuff which will then make you feel better about yourself. No matter what, it will take some self motivation/will power. The thing about that is these things take practice to get good at. This is why I tell people to start now because how you deal with this is how you will deal with things in the future. I ran from/avoided difficult things so I never learned healthy ways to deal with anything. You don’t want to be like me. You have so much more life to live. Do everything you can to set yourself up for a great future. START NOW! Forget about a particular body image, just go to the gym because it is healthy and it will make you feel about yourself anyway. The only way to start a habit is to set your mind to do something and them follow through no matter what. Also, the body image thing is ridiculous, you don’t want the type of person that cares about that in your life. Your body has no impact whatsoever on day relationship. 

                                   Sincerely, 

                                                   Lester 

Dear New Classes of Mr. Brickey,

Hello, my name is Lester. I am honored to say that this is my third introductory letter to a new group of Brickey’s students. It has always amazed me how many students participate and how impactful it seems to be everyone involved. I realize that my past decisions and subsequent placement in prison for many years does not make me the ideal acquaintance. I understand and fully respect anyone’s feelings against me. When I was in highschool, I would have been very judgemental and against someone who killed somebody, no matter the circumstances. Who wouldn’t feel that way. I made some very bad decisions and caused a lot of havoc in a lot of people’s lives. I am whole-heartily ashamed of the person I was and the decisions I made. Also, I must admit that although I would do anything to bring my friend back, in a big way I am happy that I had come to prison. I am very proud of the person I have become. 

It should come as no surprise that I was extremely immature, lost, and reckless. But on top of that, what you don’t know is the amazing life I had, the opportunities I had, and everything I threw away. I took it all for granted. Everything had always been handed to me, I never really had to work for anything; so, it all meant next to nothing to me. Coming to prison is very likely the only thing that would have to get me through my thick skull and get me to grow up. 

I was never much of a fan of school, but looking back, there were one or two classes/teachers that I will never forget. They just always had an impact on their students. I want to tell you upfront that Brickey will undoubtedly be one of those teachers for all of you. I have read so much from so many of his students and I can always see how much they appreciate them. 

Three years ago, Brickey gave me one of the best opportunities of my life and allowed me to write his students. I know there is nothing I can undo the destruction I’ve caused. However, I believe I can pass what I have learned in hopes of stopping. Someone else from making the same mistakes I did. 

I write all of this to encourage all of you to keep an open mind and participate throughout Brickey’s class. I welcome letters from any and all of you. Every  student that has written has seemed glad they did and the students that waited till the end of the year always seemed to regret not writing earlier. Anyways, I look forward to writing you all this year.

Sincerely,

Lester Varnum