Self-Identity: The Story of Me by Kathy Liu

Youth

kliu190_ — 2023-12-13 04:55:01 UTC

At a young age, my parents would dress me up in "girly" clothes and called me "princess" as a term of endearment. They would constantly take me to get my pictures taken and show them at family gatherings, saying to our relatives "look at our little girl, she looks like a real princess". Looking back at these pictures now knowing that a princess is far from what I would describe myself as is a dysphoric feeling. Pink was never my color but I was made to believe that it should be; that as a girl, I was supposed to love pink bows and flowers. Society has constructed this concept of stereotyping genders and associating it with certain standards that one is meant to follow. Such as gender reveal parties are associated with the colors blue and pink with blue representing boys and pink representing girls, children are expected to follow these principles. As Judith Lorber states in "Night to His Day": The Social Construction of Gender, based on the sex a baby is assigned at birth, parents will dress them "in a way that displays the category because [they] don't want to be constantly asked whether their baby is a girl or a boy." This expectation caters to society as to make people more "comfortable". Boys and girls clothing for example are drastically different in stores, with girls clothing catering to what society believes girls like (ie. pink, sparkles, barbies, etc...) and what boys like (ie. blue, cars, marvel superheroes, etc...). Especially in Asian culture, it is very taboo for a young girl to show interest in things that were catered towards boys. My parents disliked whenever I showed interest in the things that my male cousins liked such as video games and superheroes and would try to steer me towards things that they deemed more "girly" such as dolls. As an adult now, I am glad that I have the choice to allow my future children to dress however they please.

Adolescent

kliu190_ — 2023-12-13 04:55:23 UTC

In my high school theatre class, I met a group of friends whom happened to consist of all queer individuals. During this time, I had known that I was not straight but I had not expressed it and mainly kept it suppressed in hopes that it was "just a phase" as to not disappoint my traditional Chinese parents. Being apart of this friend group helped me gain the confidence to finally say the words "I'm queer". Though I have not yet gained enough confidence to say it to my parents, being able to voice it out to myself and others around me felt like a billion weights lifted off my chest. For the first time in my life, my sense of self felt a little less confusing. I felt the acceptance I deserved and am no longer afraid of expressing my true self.

Young Adulthood Part 1

kliu190_ — 2023-12-13 04:55:41 UTC

During my final year of high school, I took a trip to San Francisco with a friend and we visited the city of Castro which is known for its LGBTQ+ representation. The city was filled with business ran by queer owners and stores filled with gay rights memorabilia. I had never felt so safe before. It felt like the right place to be. In Accounts of Sexual Identity Formation in Heterosexual Students by Michele J. Eliason, one student wrote that she believes she would be heterosexual for the rest of her life because "it's easier in this society to be heterosexual. [She didn't] think [she] would have the courage to be otherwise." It is stated in the author's note that the student who said that very statement ended up identifying as bisexual by the end of the semester. There was a time in my life where I would have said the same thing, that I could never imagine myself as anything other than straight. However, I began to accept that it is simply not who I am. I am a person who loves to love and I cannot pick and choose who I love. To me, love has no bounds. I think that, like the student, I learned that the hard way where I constantly suppressed the love I had for people who didn't fit society's standards of who I was "supposed" to love. That suppression gets exhausting because I was practically not allowing myself to be who I was for the sake of others who do not love me for me. Now, I proudly embrace my identity as a queer woman.

Young Adulthood Part 2

kliu190_ — 2023-12-13 04:55:54 UTC

The summer after my senior year of high school, I went to an art museum where I had come across this painting on a wall in the photo above. The description of the painting writes: "Summoning the inner bitch". It sort of reminded me of the Salem witch trials where people used to burn women at the stakes because they believed they were witches. This was the only photo I took at that museum that day. After this photo was taken, my friend and I had a long discussion about the struggles that women have gone through over the course of history. Women have always been ridiculed and shamed for simply being women. This realization caused me to despise being a woman for a period of time in my life. Looking back, it pains me to know that I ever thought that. In reality, being a woman is so powerful. The women in my life are the strongest people I know and we have overcome so many battles in history to get to where we are today. This painting reminds me that despite all the struggles, I should be grateful that as a society, we've evolved to the point where women have reclaimed many of the rights that were lost to us in history.

Adulthood

kliu190_ — 2023-12-13 04:56:07 UTC

As an Asian American woman who is entering her 20th year of life, I have gain many life experiences that have shaped my identity as a woman today. I have come to terms with the fact that being a woman, especially a queer woman of color, will never be smooth sailing. The ideals that society places upon a woman is so unrealistic that it leaves you wondering how you can thrive while being placed under a microscope. Like the artwork above states: "Your body is a battleground". As a woman, I feel that my rather than my body being a battleground, it is a broken treaty with the war being how society has shaped my self-perception. I am fighting in a constant battle with my insecurities that have been amplified by social media standards and comparisons between others. In addition to social media, our patriarchal society also contributes to my feelings of inferiority. Being in my second year of college, I have found myself in many relationships where I have been pushed around and belittled by my male counterparts. In Homophobia As a Weapon of Sexism written by Suzanne Pharr, she discusses the notion that "men physically and emotionally abuse women because they can, because they live in a world that gives them permission." In some ways, I've thought that this concept was an exaggeration because I had not been fully emerged in the real world until now. Now that I've experienced this firsthand more times than I should've allowed, I know that it is not something I control. It is just, sadly, the territory that comes with being a woman. Like Pharr says, "to acknowledge the truth would be tantamount to acknowledging that virtually every woman is a battered woman." I'd like to believe that rather than being weak, I am beyond strong. Because as a woman, we inherit challenges that are unique to us and yet, we continue to thrive in a world that has never been in our favor. So, I am proud to call myself a woman because the word itself is a testament of my strengths and it is beautiful.