For six and a half years, I endured extreme emotional, mental, physical, and even financial abuse at the hands of my ex-partner. I was completely isolated, broken, and defeated. It wasn't only my life that was in jeopardy, but also that of my daughter. She depended on me for her safety, happiness, and security. So, I became a master at masking the hell I was living in and created a double life. I concealed my pain with a brave face as if everything was perfectly fine. But the truth was, I was suffering immensely. And as my pretend world began to crumble, I did too.

I was afraid to tell anyone what was happening in my home – afraid that no one would believe me, especially since we both had high profile roles in the Martial Arts Community. With my family in another state and no friends, I was alone, without anyone to turn to.

It takes a lot of courage to face your fears and accept where you are, especially when you’re experiencing trauma on an almost daily basis. I had to decide whether to leave and live, or to stay and succumb to the consequences.

Some people might think that being physically abused while pregnant would be reason enough to leave; or being told that I was fat, stupid, and would never amount to anything. I was being isolated like a prisoner, and mentally tortured on a daily basis. He controlled my physical appearance, where I went, who I spoke to, and even my thoughts! He broke my spirit down to the point that I gave up my own dreams and aspirations.

I tried to leave, but I had no possessions, food, shelter or basic necessities. My daughter and I walked the streets of Center City with a bag of clothes and a few of her favorite toys stacked on top of her stroller.

Without a plan and uncertain where we would spend the night, I experienced what homelessness and HOPELESSNESS felt like. I felt a profound sense of defeat. I thought I had failed my daughter.

One night, when I went back to our apartment for more clothes, he attacked me. I barely escaped, and ran to the nearest police station with my daughter. But the police ended up arresting ME when my ex falsely claimed that HE was being abused! I was released later that day, but my worst fear had come true – my ex had our daughter. I spent an agonizing 10 days apart from my baby, while waiting for our custody hearing.

I was terrified that something would happen to her. We shared custody for four frustrating and fear-filled years, until my ex’s true side finally revealed itself to the judge.

From the moment I fled, I learned about Women Against Abuse. I called the Hotline several times a day in an effort to secure a bed at one of their Safe Havens. I used every single resource that was given to me, including the Legal Center. I quickly realized that NONE of it was going to come easy, nor was anyone going to save me. I learned that I had to be relentless in my pursuit of safety, shelter, and support. I refused to take NO for an answer. And, eventually, my persistence paid off.

As I walked through the doors of the safe haven, I finally felt like I could let my guard down. In a single moment, years and years of abuse came crashing off my shoulders, and I felt a weight had lifted, which then gave birth to a new outlook. This was my chance to take my life back.

While at the Safe Haven, I learned the prerequisite for beginning again was forgiveness. I had to completely strip myself of any and all negativity. His way of still controlling me lied in the bitterness, resentment, and blame that I harbored inside. I finally let it go.

I was NOT a victim. I had SURVIVED.

I took responsibility for my life and my daughter's in that moment. It wasn't our fault that we were in this position, but it was my duty to carry on. By taking my power back, I completely changed the trajectory of our lives. I discovered self-love. I learned to accept my WHOLE self, imperfections and all. I no longer felt ashamed and unworthy. I was bound and determined to be the mother that my daughter deserved, and finally break the cycle of Domestic Abuse. Everything he said I couldn’t do, I went on to achieve – and more!

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was being shaped and molded into a powerful force. I went from being homeless, broken, insecure, and defeated; to a driven and confident advocate, coach, speaker, and influencer. My voice has been heard on every platform, from Seventeen Magazine, to The University of Pennsylvania, all the way to the State Capitol. I even went on to win my first World Title along the way!

Today, I’m grateful to be in a healthy relationship with a wonderful partner. Looking back, I can see now that our hardships are designed to make us stronger. Each of us has the ability to bounce back, but we have to be willing to work for it. To say "NO," and take a stand, even at the highest stakes. The moment we let our circumstances define us, will almost certainly be the thing that keeps us suffering. So, let your experiences be used to fuel a mission of awareness, empathy, and – most importantly – to spread love.

In closing, I have a quote that means a lot to me, and I would like to gift it to all of you:

"Once in a while, take the time to encourage yourself. Remind yourself that life is a process of weathering and rebuilding. Be kind to yourself as you heal and learn. There is purpose in your journey. There is light in your heart. There is a future waiting for you. Remember that, and trust."

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He positioned himself in my life as someone who was going to save me, look after me. He made himself look like the epitome of the “good bloke” that everybody talks about.

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I met my perpetrator in my early 20s, at a really vulnerable point in my life. The sudden death of my dad hit our family hard, and I was struggling to cope.

Our relationship started quickly – and looking back, all the red flags were there. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive, but it was subtle. Harder to see. He was an expert at making me think I was making my own decisions. He convinced me to quit my job, to stop talking to my friends. He told me I had mental health issues and couldn’t look after myself. He made me feel that all I needed was him. I was so isolated. I felt like I couldn’t tell anybody.

When I fell pregnant 6 months into the relationship, that’s when the physical violence started. He hurt me so badly I miscarried. I was devastated. But every time I would leave, he would be so apologetic and loving, promising to change. I would always go back because I believed him. The mental scars from his control and abuse ran so deep.

There were several times he was so violent I ended up in hospital. Doctors didn’t ask the question, and I was an expert at pretending everything was okay.

How my situation changed

After around 5 years of being incredibly isolated, I went back to school. Having that time away from him, socialising and making new friends, I started to realise who I used to be. I wanted her back – I wanted to take control of my life again.

The violence escalated around this time because he knew he was losing control. A big turning point was when my nephew was born, and he tried to stop me from seeing him. I put my foot down and he physically assaulted me.

My final lightbulb moment was when he strangled me. I remember saying to myself, ‘if you don’t leave now, you will never leave’. I knew I had to get out, or I would die.

When I look back, I truly have no idea how I survived.

Regaining my sense of self

After he strangled me, I reached out to a specialist family violence service who supported me with an escape plan and a mobile phone. I had to wait two weeks for an intervention order so I slept in my car, moving it to a different location everyday so he wouldn’t find me.

The violence and abuse didn’t stop right away, even though I had left the relationship. Despite having an intervention order, he continued to stalk and harass me. It took a long time for me to feel safe again.

What the experience taught me

It is never too late to leave. I always thought that everything was my fault, and nobody would believe me. I realise now that none of this was my fault, and nobody has a right to determine where my life goes.

When you’re in the midst of abuse, you feel empty and alone. You don’t feel human. It can be hard to see, but there are places you can go for help. You are worth more than nothing, you’re worth everything.

The second abusive man was my husband, another victim-perpetrator. He won my heart then stole my confidence, all of our assets, and traumatised our child.

The third abuser was my defacto partner whom I believed to be the love of my life. When I ended our seven year relationship he retaliated by trying to destroy every aspect of my life.

He stalked me at home by loitering in the street, coercing tenants to let him into my building so he could wait outside my apartment door, smashing neighbours’ fences, and breaking into my flat. He stalked me in public places texting details of appointments he thought I was attending, shifts I was working, and my bank transactions.

He damaged my reputation with two employers, causing me to voluntarily resign from a rewarding role and prompting a manager in a second job to tell me that the stalker’s contact with the police and my emergency service colleagues had been “toxic” to my career.

I am the one in four women who has been the victim of family violence.

I now know that it could happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime.

Victims of family violence look and sound just like your daughters, sisters, mothers, wives, friends, colleagues and neighbours. That’s because we are. We are everyday women.

No one is immunised at birth against family violence, homelessness, poverty, mental and physical illness which often coincide. We are all vulnerable to the epidemic that is family violence.

When I left…

Family violence is one of the toughest things I have experienced but it has also been the making of me. I am a survivor who found strength in many acts of resistance against these perpetrators.

I stood up to my father to protect myself, mother and sister. I held my defacto accountable for breaching an Intervention Order more than 100 times – he is now on a Community Corrections Order and faces jail if he breaches the five-year Intervention Order.

While I have tried very hard to protect my child, the Family Court has not. A partner who commits continuous family violence should not be allowed to have unsupervised shared care of a child. I have begged doctors, child protection workers, teachers, police and lawyers to help but it seems the current system will not intervene except in the most extreme circumstances.

As an Advocate…

I do not define myself as a victim, I am a woman with a powerful story of suffering and survival. I am also a woman who is healing and learning to love wisely.

One of the people I trust the most is a fellow safe steps Survivor Advocate. We share things no one else knows. We respect and support one another free of judgement. We are the lucky ones, we are alive and we know that we must work together on behalf of the invisible and voiceless women and children who are maimed and killed.

To the broader community…

I would like the broader community to know that family violence keeps happening to women because there are so many men choosing to harm their partners. These men believe they are better than women. They control us and exert power over us because they know they can get away with it.

These men, whom we once trusted and loved, tell us we deserved it, but we deserve better.

If we want to be free of family violence we must all, as individuals and as a community, challenge this patriarchal culture where women are not equal in the home, at work and in the community. Change begins with each of us.

I met him in 2005, he had the kindest eyes, a smile and a laugh that lit up the room. He was full of charm and humour. It was all a bit of a whirlwind. From what I recall he had moved into my flat within a month or so of our meeting, we were engaged soon after and married the year following.

After the marriage, things started to change. He began to stop helping around the house. He played war games on his computer for hours. The new house we moved into always seemed to be full of loud gun noises.

When he wasn’t on the computer he’d follow me around, groping me.. I’d find porn on our computer and in the DVD player. It was embarrassing as anyone could have found it. To put it politely he was obsessed. The stuff he watched was disgusting. I really can’t explain how sick and scared I used to feel around him every day.

I became depressed and anxious, I developed bulimia, my mental health plummeted and I found getting through the day really difficult. I started drinking heavily in the evenings. I’m not great with alcohol. I have these blackouts where I can’t remember anything.

Instead of helping me, he started to take advantage of me. I’d wake up from the backouts feeling sore in-between my legs. I’d wake up and he’d be having sex with me. He went to the doctor at one point trying to cover up what he was doing with the excuse that it was in his sleep.

Sadly this carried on. The more it happened, the more I drank and the cycle continued. To the point where he didn’t even care. He’d fill up my glass at night I’d pass out, he’d rape me, take photos and do whatever he wanted to do with me. We both knew what was going to happen so I just accepted it and let him carry on. The next day I’d cry, beg him not to do it again, telling him I didn’t feel safe around him. he’d apologise and promise he would change.

I’d pray for every evening to be over quickly so he would go to work and I could bathe, scrub myself clean and spend some time feeling like a normal human being.

One day he went out to Tesco and brought me some cushions because he wanted me to feel safe around him. He was so sad and sincere in his offering. I felt very confused by his actions but I forgave him – again.

When I married him. I promised for life and at the time I very much loved him. All I wanted was for him to stop and love me in the way a husband should but he didn’t stop.

I’d spoken to friends about the abuse but I’m not sure if they believed me. Most people didn’t want to hear it. I felt so alone, unloved and disgusting. I really thought I deserved it. He never said it our right but he often made out it was my fault because I couldn’t satisfy his high sex drive.

One Christmas day eve I was feeling so bruised and sore I decided that it couldn’t go on this way. I stayed sober, drank berry juice instead of wine, we went to bed he started. I gave him a minute then, turned looked him in the eye and asked him if he was enjoying himself. He flew off the bed, crying like a little boy, begging for forgiveness, telling me he had a problem he needed help with.

I told him to leave that night and thankfully I had the strength not to let him back.

It’s taken me years to get over the trauma of that relationship. I blamed myself and held so much shame in my heart for drinking so much. The weight of the guilt is indescribable.

We got divorced on January the 8th 2009. It was the best day of my life. The sense of freedom was amazing. But it wasn’t and still isn’t plain sailing.

I think I blamed myself for most of it until a couple of years ago I met a friend that showed me a cartoon called A Cup of TEA and Consent. Something inside me changed and I started to see that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t need to be ashamed or feel guilty.

My recovery has been a blend of NHS and holistic therapies. I found that mindfulness and yoga gave been the biggest help, along with counselling.

I have been with my now-husband for many years. He is the absolute light of my life and he would never hurt a hair on my body, not that I would let him. I’m a much stronger person. I am happier, alcohol-free and my eating habits are normal.

I look back now and wish that I had saved some of the proof I had of the abuse. I had photos and text messages with him apologising and begging for forgiveness. Somehow everything has gotten lost in time. I’ve decided for now not to do anything about it for family reasons. Counselling with the LWA charity over the past few months has been life-changing.

I’m not sure I will ever fully get over what he has done, the scars will always be there BUT I am here, happy and my life is pretty fantastic. I am a survivor of domestic abuse and I hope my story helps others.