Grief and Grounding Space for Queer and Trans Asians by Jessica Baker

Community Guidelines

jessica874 — 2021-03-19 22:38:38 UTC

- Respond any or all prompts to whatever fits your capacity or needs
- Respond to the prompts in any of the ways this platform allows, such as text, images, drawing, gifs, youtube links, and etc.
- Show love or support to others by hearting / ♥ -ing posts or responding to the last question
- Refrain from mentioning the names or stories of the victims as requested by their families
- Refrain from mentioning graphic detail that would require a content warning as others are also viewing this space.
- All posts will have to be approved by the platform's adminstrator and may take a couple of hours to appear on this online space.

How to submit a response

jessica874 — 2021-03-19 22:47:01 UTC

To submit a response, go to the question that you'd like to respond to and scroll down to the last response till you see a plus/+ sign in a light grey circle. Click it and a new response box will pop up.

You can write up any text to respond to the prompt, or other ways if you click the three dots on the bottom right corner of the response box.

If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to ghurt002@gmail.com or contact@apiequalityla.org

jessica874 — 2021-03-19 22:56:42 UTC

This online space was created by API Equality-LA and Rainbow Pride Youth Alliance. To learn more, go to here: https://www.apiequalityla.org/ and https://www.rainbowprideyouthalliance.org/
Or contact us as contact@apiequalityla.org

Please leave an offering for those we lost, for our communities or for yourself. ♥

jessica874 — 2021-03-19 23:24:06 UTC

2021-03-20 01:09:07 UTC

jessica874 — 2021-03-20 01:28:32 UTC

I feel lost. And remembering all the experiences the woman and femmes in my family has gone through living near/on militarized bases in Japan.

jessica874 — 2021-03-20 01:32:09 UTC

Being able to call someone when I'm in a crisis and it not being the police; more community resources for times of crisis

2021-03-20 01:35:39 UTC

Cooking. It's a chance to reconnect with my roots, remember that my culture and upbringing have intrinsic value, and to be nurtured by my ancestors.

jessica874 — 2021-03-20 01:42:20 UTC

Haven't been able to sleep, so been using this.

jessica874 — 2021-03-20 01:50:31 UTC

Tired; but with loved ones

jessica874 — 2021-03-20 01:56:38 UTC

2021-03-20 02:42:06 UTC

grief feels all-consuming and am in the process of balancing the act of excavating myself from it to find moments of levity and joy but also honoring the rage that comes from just being in it.

my default coping mechanism is to withdraw but today i found myself in a zoom with so many other asian folks and am proud and relieved to be in community w my ppl.

2021-03-20 02:45:12 UTC

feeling loved by people taking action

food and environments that provide comfort

"have you eaten yet?"

2021-03-20 02:46:11 UTC

giving air to my rage and being seen there

digging deep into the works of activists and inter-community movements who've paved the way before us

jessica874 — 2021-03-20 03:09:50 UTC

"have you eaten yet?"

i haven't eaten anything all day, thanks for the reminder to take care of my body. : )

2021-03-20 06:43:26 UTC

as someone who's relatively early on their gender journey, it is super jarring to be forced, via trauma response, back into societally-imposed womanhood

2021-03-20 14:35:20 UTC

I feel it's difficult to celebrate being asian, when the ones who have hurt me the most are asian too. they yell at me for tearing the family apart for being queer. they tease me for being "too white for this family" knowing I can understand them. i hope i find solace one day.

2021-03-20 17:11:48 UTC

Reaching out to all the API women in my life. Every one of these conversations helps balance me.

jessica874 — 2021-03-20 18:07:20 UTC

2021-03-21 01:22:40 UTC

As a survivor of gender based violence it’s been incredibly triggering yet I’ve had so much of community take care of me no questions asked so feeling seen but also triggered

2021-03-21 01:22:59 UTC

Love through action and mutual aid

overwhelm + inspiration

2021-03-21 01:35:28 UTC

overwhelmed by the spectacle of violent death. wanting asian femmes to be centered and valued in life, wanting me to be paid and honored in my lifetime. inspired by the loving forms of organizing + critical solidarities that are happening. frustrated when asian people make comparisons to anti-Blackness that erase those of us who are both Black and asian. it's odd to have white friends reaching out to me, but also sweet? sad because i know my Black loved ones go thru this all the time.

freedom for all!

2021-03-21 01:38:29 UTC

i think real safety is something that requires the liberation of all oppressed peoples. in the in-between time now, it feels like my partner holding me, cuddles, forehead kisses, my altars, being in places where i express my gender freely. limited stimulation, not too many screens or loud noises. incense, candles, cleanliness. fellow qtbipoc around me. prayer and song.

critical connections

2021-03-21 01:40:33 UTC

our groupchat of radical people of diasporas of asia + oceania. going to the ocean every day. my partner. lots of private video calls to radical aapi people. digital wellbeing settings limiting my access to the internet. washing dishes + clothes by hand. sweeping. meditation. qigong. asmr videos. fanfiction.

abolition

2021-03-21 01:42:28 UTC

so happy to see folks choosing alternatives to policing. no to the prison industrial complex, yes to liberatory community care!

fangxiang

2021-03-21 01:43:33 UTC

shamans of south china who exorcise evil spirits

granny ancestor

2021-03-21 01:44:46 UTC

mazu, thien hau, protector of boat people

2021-03-21 01:52:36 UTC

2021-03-21 01:53:17 UTC

2021-03-21 01:54:55 UTC

taking naps
naps have a liberating powers
naps allow my mind and body to rest

2021-03-21 01:55:50 UTC

When friends check in on me. When people respect my boundaries and my autonomy. When people treat be with respect and human decency

2021-03-21 01:56:53 UTC

Numbing. Overwhelmed. I feel like I don’t know how to react. Empty minded. Lost and confuse.

2021-03-21 01:57:47 UTC

“Giving air to my rage and being seen”

Thank you for saying this, I will give are to my rage and validate my anger and feelings

2021-03-21 14:55:10 UTC

Lonely among the API women in my family, as none of them seem to want to talk about it.

Lonely among non-Asian friends, all of whom are silent about what's happening.

Lonely when facing my white therapist, who seems unable to even say "I can see how it would be tough" till I expressly ask for empathy.

Feeling supported in this space and spaces like this. Feeling supported and seen by API women opening spaces for our collective grief. Feeling supported by every BIPOC I've seen offering solidarity on social media.

2021-03-21 17:51:05 UTC

i think it is reminding my body of a lot of trauma i have experienced from white men including my grandpa (i'm mixed). i feel sick to my stomach and crying randomly. i wish i was closer to my aunts so i could talk to them about all this

2021-03-21 17:57:03 UTC

2021-03-21 17:58:56 UTC

2021-03-21 19:32:19 UTC

2021-03-21 20:12:30 UTC

feeling emotions that i can't quite name. it feels like multiple feelings that's a combination of numbness, rage, uncertainty, etc. It all feels too opaque to articulate.

2021-03-21 20:14:17 UTC

reading books like Minor Feelings and Racial Melancholia and Racial Dissociation to help process feelings.

2021-03-21 20:16:27 UTC

2021-03-22 01:16:54 UTC

Feeling lonely among the AAPI women in my family, as none of them seem to want to talk about it.

Lonely among non-Asian friends, all of whom are silent about what’s happening.

Lonely when facing my white therapist, who seems unable to even say “I can see how it would be tough” till I expressly ask for empathy.

Feeling supported in this space and spaces like this. Feeling supported by AAPI women (outside of my family) opening spaces for our collective grief. Feeling supported by every BIPOC I’ve seen offering solidarity on social media.

2021-03-22 02:36:51 UTC

fanfiction- me too! its my comfort food... helps me escape to a different reality from this one. Where the priority is queer love! and we imagine other futures for ourselves. <3

jessica874 — 2021-03-22 02:56:32 UTC

jessica874 — 2021-03-22 02:59:58 UTC

talking to other non-binary femmes.

2021-03-22 03:24:20 UTC

Tired of it all. and also confused about the pain that some in our own community has caused me for being different from them.

2021-03-22 14:48:00 UTC

2021-03-22 20:33:52 UTC

feeling shame, like my sexuality is twisted into something inappropriate and bad

i feel pain

2021-03-22 20:35:26 UTC

the ocean

2021-03-22 20:36:15 UTC

2021-03-22 20:36:50 UTC

being around people who accept all of me

2021-03-22 20:38:20 UTC

andych — 2021-03-22 20:54:55 UTC

The pandemic has made it really hard to live openly as a queer Asian person without worrying about my safety and the consequences of being harmed (such as how I'd have to share that with my family, chosen and blood). I've felt numb, sad, angry, and disassociated by the continuous inability to process grief because things change so, so fast.

Social Media Confusion

2021-03-24 02:31:06 UTC

exhausted by the dichotomy i feel from social media, whether i feel like people posting the same recycled infographics is performative because i question if they truly empathize or read through it versus people not posting at all and not even realizing we're in mourning

2021-03-24 02:33:06 UTC

zoom healing spaces, talking with other Asian women and Asian people perceived as women and knowing they understand

2021-03-24 02:35:39 UTC

visiting my favorite Asian elders and giving them strength

2021-03-24 19:02:30 UTC

i feel sad, scared, alone. i am terrified. n it brings up a lot of my ptsd symptoms. it makes me want to move. go somewhere safe but no where feels safe.

2021-03-24 19:02:40 UTC

idk cus ive never had that

2021-03-26 02:29:35 UTC

having adequate housing, the friends that are there to support me, to have someone there to listen to me when I'm in a moment of duress