https://padlet.com/avamcarthur/vjrlcgdck91f Im going to be talking about my personal experiences with battling with mental illness and writing and researching people that have suffered en-us 2017-05-05 13:42:00 UTC 2017-05-09 17:07:23 UTC hello@padlet.com avamcarthur https://padlet.com/avamcarthur/vjrlcgdck91f/wish/170176997 Where do I start? 
Ill start when i moved to london, i was lived in Yorkshire for most of my life in foster care. I moved down to live with my mum that was an alcholic. Something i could not change, no matter what i tried. 
I had to adapt to change, from being living in Yorkshire in foster care and leaving my very close friends and basically leaving my whole life behind. I rememeber that i was severly depressed, even before i moved to London. I was self harming and other things. I remember i used to cut myself when i was angry or over-whelmed with feelings of total despire (this was most of the time). However, the cutting got workse as time went on and living in london with my mum. Eventually she found the scars on my arms and legs when i was trying some clothes on. Obviously she was distraught. She took me straight to the GP and i told her truthfully that i was feeling suicidal and i had been for a VERY long time. It got so bad that i was writing letters to my close loved ones. I was cutting deeper and deeper. leaving what was awful purple big scars. I wanted to feel ether numb or see the blood trickling down my arms to know i was alive. 
The GP reffered me to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) By the time i had my first appoinment my mental state had detrated. to the point where i couldnt get out of bed, wash, eat or even talk. I was inprisioned in my own mind. My mind was somewhere else. Not in this world. I was thinking about death constantly. This wave of total distress. The only way i can put it into words is imagine you were chewing chewing gum and it got stuck in your mouth and wound itself around your teeth and this made you not be allowed to talk no matter how hard you tried. Your mind was not your own it was like someone had taken bits of your brain (the good parts) and replaced them with terrible, haunting thoughts that you could ever imagine. 
Your mind controls you...every little bit of you. You are trapped within this dark hole. 

Lets skip to when i was admitted to hospital (when i just turned 17) i had no choice. I ether went in voluntairy or they will section me under the mental health act. It took me a few hours to really think about this choice and i decided i would go in. 

Again, i was still depressed. I was on high risk so the nurses had to check up on me every 10-15 minutes. It was awful, seeing other girls and boys in such distress. Some were only 13 and they had tried to end their life. heartbreaking i know. I remember while i was there i broke some glass which was in my makeup bag (eyeshadow pallet) and i cut my arms. it was bleeding quit a lot not so much that i needed immidate attention. However, the nurse checked on me and saw i had a towl over my arm. 
He asked "why have you got that towl on your arm?" obvioulsy i was relectent to show him. He pulled the towl off my arm to expose the cuts and he saw the glass in my hand. he demanded to give it to him. i did not. He tried to grab it off me. It esculated. I grabbed the glass tighter in my hand and aimed it at my neck. I told him if he touched me again ill stab myself through my neck with it. He rang the alarm and called for some help from the other nurses.

]]> 2017-05-05 13:43:57 UTC https://padlet.com/avamcarthur/vjrlcgdck91f/wish/170176997 avamcarthur https://padlet.com/avamcarthur/vjrlcgdck91f/wish/170694408 children that live with a bipolar parent feel very confused and frustrated as they dont know how to deal with the major mood swings that their parents expierance. The feel helpless and because they are so young they do not understand what and why this painful expieances that their parents go through every day of their life. They feel that they can not do anything to help because they are so young. Most of what i have read in books such as "Family expierances of bipolar disorder. The ups the downs and the bits in between." The children admit that their parent with bipolar have effected their lives in some way. 
the children also say in this book this that their school work was effected due to their parent feeling ether very depressed or manic. 
Some children say that they have had to take on a carers role for their parent from a very young age. 
Also, children express in this book that  they feel confused and say they felt lonely. 
the older children expressed how they wanted to share their expierance to others to help and inform other people within the bipolar group and help other carers dealing with people that have a bipolar parent.
Nearly all of the adult children expressed within the book that living with a bipolar parent had a huge negative impact in their lives. 

Some adults maybe, inhertited the bipolar from their parents. I am very skeptical about this due to that it has not been proven that it is hertity. Some people think its due to the enviroment factors or both combined. 

I also found out that the children feel very guilty in the way that they treated their parents due to not enough understanding and information about the illness. (which leads on to me saying that we need to raise awarness) 

One of the children expressed deeply about their guilt as they had also developed the illness but at the time they did not understand and Micheal (which is the adlut children that im talking about right here) said "who is to blame. No one is to blame. was his father the bengin child, or was it the i8llness that made his father act like the bengin child? he is still in the situation and asks "why?" ".


]]> 2017-05-09 08:23:59 UTC https://padlet.com/avamcarthur/vjrlcgdck91f/wish/170694408 avamcarthur https://padlet.com/avamcarthur/vjrlcgdck91f/wish/170701921 2017-05-09 08:58:50 UTC https://padlet.com/avamcarthur/vjrlcgdck91f/wish/170701921 avamcarthur https://padlet.com/avamcarthur/vjrlcgdck91f/wish/170702071 Fancis Bacon was/is well known for his raw imagery and also known for his fansination with reliogion and the cursifition of jesus Christ (i know he is the most powerful ora) as he is in all of us he tells me/us  that i should listen to certan songs and he has hidden a secret ,message for me to follow. They tell me to hurt ripple and myself He will punish you if you dont follow the rules by the holy bible. He/they are always watching you and they have hacked into your/ my phone they see everything! Dont break the rules of what jesus christ has set you. I feel him in me and also i was eating a piece of chocolate and i felt my tooth crack and i feel that god does not want me to have those luxsarys. I feel is spirit within (conner) he tells me to join him in heaven as there is peace and love from god. What is life? its a drug a haze. Death is new begingings. What is death??? is it scary ? no in some watys  people youll be away from the people that watch you and also the govement is feeding are geneation with social media which secertly dumbs us down and keep us away from what is really going in the world. is t]]> 2017-05-09 08:59:40 UTC https://padlet.com/avamcarthur/vjrlcgdck91f/wish/170702071