Heavy as the sky is dark just before dawn

Air as thick as molasses

Crisp with antiseptic and a hint of decay

 

We sit in a half-circle all facing your bed

Brought together and united by grief

The beep of your heart rate monitor slows

It is as though the molasses air has stopped time

 

Transparent salty rivers flow

We speak about blessings and sufferings

Spasmatic laughter erupts, damming the river

And just as quickly, the floodgates of that dam give way

 

Night pushes on

My siblings' eyelids weighed down

They float into a restless sleep

A feather could not be moved by your shallow breaths

 

Just you and I remain

Too long has your heart ached

Too long you have been strong

Too long you have stayed

 

Your life dappled as the forests of my childhood

Light straining to reach the floor

Forever impeded by the canopy of your mind

Acorns of knowledge and talent hidden under fallen leaves

I grasp your hand

Pale

Frail

Cold

 

The seconds between your breaths lengthen

“It’s ok mom, your family is here.

We love you.

You can let go now.”

 

A long dry breath escapes your cracked lips

“One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi”

I count too long

A full, never-ending, minute

 

I am a summer lightning storm

Chaotic, hot, electric

Then the clouds split open

Plummeting down the slopes of my face

______________________


My mother is the reason I am who I am. Before her death, I was very angry. Mostly with her, though I took it out on people I loved. My moment of curiosity came about when I realized I did not have anyone to be angry with anymore. Why had I held onto this negative emotion for so long, and what could life be if I were able to shed it?
I learned that I was angry because I didn't believe I deserved happiness and I used my anger to propel myself through life. This took so much more energy than using joy as a catalyst for progress. I like to think she left this world so I could find my happiness.