My revised lead uses A Dramatic Moment: “Ugh! Why do we have to move again? You never ever ask me what I want!” I shriek and I stomp my feet. My hair flies in the air as I jump around and flail angrily. No matter how badly I want to be taken seriously and to come across as strong, bothersome tears run down my cheeks and I feel betrayed.

How do I feel about my revision choices? My revision is stronger because it gives the reader more to hear and visualize. I think it's a clever way to jump right into the topic and action.

 It took place at my ballet school and my teachers, and friends were there and it was important to me because I noticed that I can do things I am scared of and don’t think I can do.

My new lead using more key and exciting moments first:

Uhhhh I can’t wait any longer! I was waiting so long for school to be over it felt like I was waiting ages for the bell to ring! But honestly I wasn’t that excited. I was so stressed out I had never tried out for Nutcracker before. What if I messed up and didn’t get in!

How I feel about my revisions to my lead:

I feel good about them because I feel like I was able to make a stronger lead to support my story. I am also happier with this lead because I have a better hook that I feel will catch the reader!

Have you ever done something simple that turned into an interesting story? Or maybe it sounds bad on paper but isn't so bad in real life? I had a story like that once, and it all started with riding bikes.

My Lead made more dramatically/detailed:

"Yay! I thought you forgot!" I hugged my mama as tight as I could before running to the garage, I felt like I was a superhero at the moment, running across the house, jumping and swerving around toys swiftly, my socks also slipping and sliding on the faint peach titled floor. I was so excited.

How I feel about my revisions:

I like them a lot, especially the more dramatic one. I feel like it hooks the readers (or at least me) more efficiently, making ask questions about why I was excited, or running to the garage.

My lead's change: It was a beautiful day at Tokyo Disney Sea until We had to ride this Journey to the center of the earth ride! My big siblings and cousins went with me! I am glad that they're here for me! It was actually my first time riding there.

How my changes remind me of how 1st time feelings are: I love how that lead goes because it shows me how I would feel of the look of the ride because it was my first time riding on it. so I'm happy with my opening g lead

My lead change: I was at my friend's house down a hill with my brother. The sun was bright and the day was hot but we were still going to play video games. Me and my friend were struggling to beat the boss in Kirby Star Allies, well at least I was. My friend has beaten the game multiple times. We get bored during lunch so we watch TV.

How do I feel about the new lead: I feel like my lead is more detailed and better.

My lead new a dramatic moment:I was in a stadium and I was playing in a tournament and the refs were calling flags only on us but the other team did it my team didn't care because we more points but then the refs took away or points for so random reason a we were losing by a point and then the other team scored and that made us don't by a touchdown and the other team started tounting us and the refs did not call it the other team is making it so obvious but the refs are still calling the flags on us I'm starting to think that the refs were paid so that's we lose.

How do I feel about my new lead:I think its better then old lead because there more detail and more thoughts into it.

One morning I was going to the beach with my family I couldn't wait to hang out with my friends.

My second and New lead.

One sunny morning, when I was in the car driving to White Plains, I was thinking about how much fun I would have exploring on the rocks and surfing, with my friends.

I feel like My second and New lead is better than the first one because I added more detail and adjectives like what morning. What beach.

I revised my lead with a dramatic moment:

My Nana said I HAVE to go to kindergarten! “Why do I have to go? School is not fun. I want to stay home and play with toys!” I thought to myself. “I’m gonna keep crying until I don't have to go to school!” I whined. “Then you're gonna be crying for 12 more years!” Nana said.

How I feel about this revision:

I think that this revision is better because it can help the reader envision what's happening better than the first one. You can feel the characters emotions and what they're thinking.

My first lead:

My mom gave me a chain an one day I wore it to school and then and then a football hit this what happend...

My second lead:

One day my mom gave me a special chain that my grandpa gave to my mom and now to me she thought it was the right time to give it to me and I was super excited. I've been wanting a chain for a long time but something happened that I never thought would ever happen…

How do I feel about the new lead?:

I think it better than my old one because It has more detail.

My new one: It was a hot and sunny day without a cloud in sight. My mom was there, and my 6-year-old sister Dana was full of energy, and of course, 9-year-old me! We drove the long and tiering 1 and a half up to Camp Erdman. Sometimes when we were going slow enough I would put my hand out the window and let it fly in the wind. We brought lots of water and yummy snacks like my favorite browny Z-bar. Once we got there the sun shone through the window brightly into my eyes so I quickly looked down at my cute animal-themed shoe with sparkles that were gleaming in the light due to the sun. We were parking in the dirt parking lot and there was dirt EVERYWHERE. I tried to convince my mom to wait until it settled so we wouldn’t breathe it in but my mom was determined to get there early so we could do all the activities. 

I think my new one is better because it has more detail and explains how I feel about going to Camp Erdman to climb the Alpine Tower and swing on the giant swing.

My Revised Lead: The cafeteria doors swung open, and more students entered and got seated. It felt just like any other Wednesday morning, with a breeze coming from the outside and the sun shining as bright as it ever had. I was really tired and was not ready for the grueling two hours we would have to stay in the cafeteria. All the students were chit-chatting as the assembly was about to start. This assembly was for the student council, where all the smart people go to plan events for the school. The nerves started to kick in, I was getting goosebumps, this was a big day specificity for me since I was running for vice president.

How do I feel about my new lead? I think that my lead is way stronger now and very much more detailed than how it was before.

My revised “lead” uses dialogue:

“Buzzz, Buzzz, Buzzzz,” I lifted my head off my soft and compfy pillow, I was in a deep sleep and wondering what the buzzing noise was coming from. Right as I was about to fall back asleep, I heard the same buzzing noise again. This time it was followed up by a loud ringing noise. I slowly climbed out of bed and looked at my phone to find 4 missed calls and ten text messages. “Who could be texting me at this time and what’s so important.” It was 6am on a Saturday morning and I was worried something might be wrong.  As I looked at my phone and went through my messages I noticed the calls were all from one person and it was my friend Marley. I was so curious about what he was up to and why was he trying to get a hold of me. Before I even had a chance to call him back, he called me again. “Hey Marley, what’s up?” I said, “the shorebreak is pumping at Sandy’s! My mom said she could take us to there but we had to leave soon because it takes an hour to get there.” Marley said.  I was so excited to go, I hadn’t been to Sandy’s in forever and knew the waves were a perfect size. The surf report was calling for 3-4ft perfect, glassy, barrels. We knew Sandy’s was going to be scary but perfect conditions, this was the best shore break size.

How I feel about my changes: I think my changes and edits made my story better because it is more descriptive. The details and dialogue helps the reader feel like they are in the story and imagine what I am feeling. When I talk about how many times Marley calls me it shows the reader that he’s excited about me going and that he didn’t want me to miss out.

My new lead: It was August 4 2022, I was at my house with my siblings I have two sisters and one brother while my sisters are in the room chilling, me and my older brother were in the living room playing fortnite together on the Xbox we were playing for hours, while my parents were at the store grabbing groceries bout an hour later my parents arrived home and said "KIDS COME TO THE LIVING ROOM NOW" we thought we were in trouble cause the tone he said with his voice so we were ready for the consequences but really it was the opposite they actually told us to group up but not cause we were in trouble but cause they want to tell us we were going on a trip to Hawaii. We are going on the island Oahu the reason is cause we have more family there then other islands.

How do I feel about my new lead: I think I like my new lead better cause it is more detailed and better and makes me feel like I worked way harder on this one instead of my old one

It was a sunny afternoon at Salt Springs, an off-the-radar river in the gold country of California that has amazing swimming holes. The parents were laying in the sun and my cousins and I were playing in the water. It was such a beautiful day and we got to swim in a cave behind a waterfall!

My Revised Lead:

It was a sunny afternoon at Salt Springs, an off-the-radar river in the gold country of California that has amazing swimming holes. The parents were laying in the sun and my cousins and I were playing in the water. It was such a beautiful day. My uncle had been to Salt Springs many times before anyone else had even gone for the first time, so he knew all the secret spots. He had already shown us a natural slide and the good fishing spots but decided to save the best for last. “You guys wanna swim in the cave?” He asked

“Yeah!” My oldest cousin and I responded at the same time. 

“Follow me then,” He said 

How I feel about my revisions:

I think my revised lead is better because it is a better hook than the original. My revised lead grabs the reader's attention more and makes them want to learn more about going into the waterfall and what is going to happen.

All of a sudden, I just remember laying on the concrete next to my skateboard. I looked up and saw my uncle and the person I ran into next to me. He picked me up and brought me to my mom Who was in the parking lot in her car? My mom didn’t realize that I broke a bone. None of us did.

My mom could tell that I was in pain, but didn’t know what was wrong. She touched my arm and I screamed. So we rushed to the ER and got x-rays done. My parents were in shock that I broke my bone. We got medicine and went home.

I would you really sad that summer because I broke a bone and all summer I would be at home resting.

when I was five years old, I road with my mom to take my brother to skate camp. The drive to skate camp and home took an hour. We pulled into a long driveway and we saw our dog outside of our gate wagging her tail. We thought that my dad was home and let our dog out to go to the bathroom. But it turns out that we left our wide gate open, and my dad‘s car was not even there.

We parked our car. I ran inside because I was so excited to be home after that long car ride. When I got inside, I saw a lady in our house with a bag on either side of her shoulders. I screamed so loud that my mom ran to me and said, “ What’s wrong, Cora?” Then she saw the lady in the house.

My mom told me to, “sit down” and told the lady to “freeze.” I sat down and could not stop crying. After sometime and struggling with the robber, my mom was able to call the cops. They arrested her. This moment was really scary for me and my mom. But I’m very thankful that we are safe and nothing worse had happened .

Second lead: It was May of 2024. My team's semi-final tournament. The whole team was told to go separately. I was early so that I could talk to my friends and help warm up before our game. We had to help flag for the game before us but as soon as that ended, the whole team was here except for 2 players. Although we were missing some of our people, it didn't help change the fact that we lost.

How do I feel about the new lead:

I think that my new lead is better than my first one because it helps explain my experience more in detail and includes the little moments that help make the big one.

It was a hot summer day at the dirt bike track in kahuku. i was with my family and my friend bubba's family. me and bubba were messing around, riding along the track and seeing who can catch the most air time (my personal record is 1.34 seconds with 3.9 feet of air). we were taking a break when bubba's brother offered to let me ride his dirt bike. i said yes and went super fast until I hit a rock and BOOM I went flying over the handlebars.

My revised

It was a hot summer day at the dirt bike track in kahuku. i was with my family and my friend bubba's family. me and bubba were messing around, riding along the track and seeing who can catch the most air time (my personal record is 1.34 seconds with 3.9 feet of air). we were taking a break when bubba's brother offered to let me ride his dirt bike. i said yes and was ripping around the track. it was a super fast and fancy bike too, it even had a speedometer! (which is super rare for a dirt bike, as its expensive to put on and there's no bikes that come with it.) I was going extremely fast when I hit a rock which made me lose control and crash into one of the spare tires that they use as a barrier. i went flying over board and got unconscious for a couple of seconds before I woke up with a massive gash on my leg. i was taken care of and recovered fast.

how I feel about my revisions:

I feel good as I added more detail and story to it.

But then as I was walking closer to the class I had to go to help for the day, I bumped into an old custodian. I didn't know his name when I went to school there but I would always see him around. It was a bit awkward to talk to him without knowing his name, but the man could TALK. I thought to myself that I might be late, but I didn’t want to end the conversation so soon, the sweet old man just wanted to catch up, since I haven’t been her in 2 whole years. 

After talking with the custodian for like 10 minutes I finally made it to Mr. Marvel’s class. As soon as I stepped foot in the room, Mr. Marvel happily greeted me like a happy puppy seeing its owner. I was so excited to see all his new students and help teach for the day. That day I realized that it’s good to visit the past and embrass it every now and then. That’s a story that will always be in my heart because of all the new and old memories it holds.

Revision: I was in my room Listening to music. Listening to another persons playlist, I always wondered how people can find the music and artists that they enjoy and make their

How I feel about my revision: I think it's more straightforward to read and gets more straight to the point.

Revised lead: It was 2019, about a month or so after my brother was born. I was 8 at the time and was going to go sleep over my cousins house for the first time in a while. I haven’t really slept over her house that often because I always had nightmares but this time was different.

How I feel about my revision: I think it was ok definitely better than my first lead, but I feel like I could’ve made it better. But other than that I think it’s really good

Revised Lead: It was a nice day so far, we went to the Cheesecake factory, then to the pool, and now my sister and I were riding our bikes on the driveway. My sister decided she wanted to play fetch with our dog Titan who was finally old enough to be outside and once my sister let him out he bolted onto the road where a car came his way. I ran toward Titan and grabbed him, then I curled into a ball out of impulse and out of instinct to make sure Titan wouldn't get hurt. The car stopped just in time because he saw me. Titan and I were saved; thanks to Titan though I also now had pee on my neck since he tinkled on me out of fear.

How do I feel about my revision choices: I think my lead is good plus I have revised in a way since I had to write this scenario down on multiple assignments and padlets so my lead or beginning sentence had improved throughout these assignments, I feel they are more grammatically correct and I think that they are easier to understand.

The sound of children in the cafeteria traveled through the air all the way to the second floor of the B building, a typical Wednesday. The bright sun rays beaming through the small holes in the wall of the stairwell flashed my eyes, as I threw away my lunch. Another sound was in the air, the sound of children practicing the audition script for the role of emcee at our 6th grade graduation (or is it the smell of the rotting trash that I was standing near).

I feel my revised opening describes the environment that I am in better than the first.

second lead: I was being buckled into the black and red coaster seat as a worker checked that my strap was tight. I was terrified as my brain froze and my breath was backed up into my throat. I glanced into the operator shack above me and saw the worker hit the button and he sent us off. I felt blank as the coaster clicked up the track.

how I feel about my new lead: I like my new lead a lot because I like how there's more details and action.

The sound of pitter-patter on the roof, it was smooth and quick. Like a blink of an eye. It was March. Rainy season. Cold and bitter, my windows pulled inwards so I wouldn’t be too cold, or too hot under my blanket. I was wrapped in pajamas, pink and fluffy pants, and a loose white shirt on my bed.

REVISED LEAD:

Around 5:00AM, 2024. The sound of pitter-patter on the roof was smooth and quick, like the blink of an eye. It was March— rainy season. I hummed quickly, typing onto my phone. I was chatting with my friends, of course.

How do I feel about my revision choices:

Well! The revised lead holds more details,

but doesn't get straight to the point, so it's a bit slow.

revised: Whoa! As my family and I entered the 50th state fair for some fun, I felt excited as we saw all the huge rides. We saw the Gravitron, The Ferris Wheel, The Zipper, the Twister, the Magic Maze, and the Seven Seas, but the tallest one of them all was the Slingshot. I know I would never ever EVER go on that ride.

How do I feel about my revision choices: Better because it is more descriptive and feels like the reader is there.

 “Piper” my coach called. I turned around to see her walking towards me. “Are you going to be here on Thursday?” She asked. I told her “I think so” And she said “We should try to add a back handspring to that round-off.” I answered “Okay” casually, but on the inside I was having a dance party. For weeks I had been working back handsprings on tramp, and my round-offs on Tumble Trek. To be given an opportunity to try my round-off back handspring… It felt amazing.

My lead 2: Action

I rubbed my sweat-covered hands together, and tried to act casual, but on the inside I was freaking out. It came my turn and I tried to pull every emotion together. I swung my arms back and…

My lead 3: Setting the Scene

 It was a nice cool gym night. A warm draft of air blew through the gym and
I took a deep breath of it. I was waiting in line for Tumble Trek on one side of the gym. On the other side I could hear the squeaking of the uneven bars as the team girls practiced on them. I watched as some of the other girls worked conditioning on floor. I stepped up the small staircase and took a sip of water. Then I swung my arms back and did two roundoffs down the long trampoline. 

How do I feel about my revision choices?:

My leads are great. I think they draw me in and make me want to keep reading. I have ideas for how to continue all of them. I think my third lead is my favorite.

Me, My nana, and my mother were at the King Kam Hotel on the Big Island for vacation. I was around 6-7 at this time, so it’s kind of hard to remember. We checked in and went to use the elevator to get up to our hotel room.

My revised lead:

It was March 8th, 2018. I was around 6-7 and it was my second time going to Hawaii, I was so excited. My mother, grandmother, and I were staying at the King Kam Hotel for some amount of time. After hours on the airplane and car ride, we finally made it to the hotel. We checked in and went to use the elevator to get to our room. The doors opened, I stepped out first and waited for my mother and grandmother to walk out.

How i feel about my revision:

I like what I wrote. I think it's a better lead than my original one.

New lead: Today was the day. Today we were gonna go Kaena Point with O'rian. Today was a Sunday. The third best day of the week. Sundays were usually pretty boring but this particular one was quite eventful.

How I feel About my Revisions: I think I made it more clear and used better words to explain it

I wake up and I smell smoke and see lot's of smoke as soon as I open my eyes. Immediately after I opened my eyes I saw a fire and hear fire trucks going right by our house from my room. I walked out of my room to my mom and dad's room and saw a lot more smoke and I saw the fire much clearer from room. The fire reminded me of lava dripping down a volcano, but the dripping is never ending.

Then I walk up the stairs and start my zoom meeting. My favorite lead is the 1st one because there's a lot more details in this one compared to the first one.

my new lead: YESS!!! School is done,man this year was like every year always a jerk teasing me.but This story takes place during summer when I was seven. And at that age I thought the world was great, the world was nice. Or at least the world was full of nice people and full of cupcakes and rainbows. And I had good grades in school. And having the feeling of a good person.

right now It is okay. but it was kinda hard to make a new lead. when I already made the whole story.

My revised lead uses a hook and setting the scene : Have you ever gotten a scar or had your head cracked open by something before? Well that happened to me it all started when school had just ended and I was playing on the playground right next to the school with my friends.

I feel about my revision choices? My revision makes more sense and helps the reader visualize what happens that day, and gives them a question to think about.

The time I faced a fear was when I was going to go surf V-land with my dad. We put the boards in the car and were on our way to v-land. We got there and the waves were firing. So we got our boards and went in the water. The waves were bigger than usual and it was low tide so it was shallower some of the reef was showing.

A set came and me and my dad paddled out to not get crushed by the waves. My dad told me to go for a wave. I was super scared because the wave was super steep and it was super shallow. I got too scared and pulled back on the wave. My dad got supper mad because it was a good wave and other people were waiting for a wave."Malia that was a good wave"my dad says,I say "sorry I'm just am a little scared".

The next set came and my dad looked at me and his eyes were determined to let me know that i'm going to go on the next one. The wave came and my dad said"this is the one ".This wave was the biggest wave of the set. my eye were scared but my heart was determined to get this wave and get over my fear.I paddled for the wave and my dad gave me a little boost and "whoosh" i'm on the wave i'm so happy i do all the turns and i go around all

the reef. I finish the wave and I'm super happy I got to get over my fear and do what I love. what I learned was that you can do anything if you just try you can fulfill your dream.

New Lead: (Opinion) All kids should try new activities. Sometimes saying yes to new things makes it an adventure. When you are trying a new activity it could impact you.  You might love it and do it all the time or you have a bad time and you don’t want to ever come back again. The possibilities are endless. On a hot day in August, I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried something new. Little did I know, I would wind up in the Emergency Room.

Reflection: I think that my new edited lead is better because it has an opinion and is better at drawing the reader in. It encourages readers to put themselves in new situations

Revised: It was about 3 weeks ago a normal august day with my 2 friends Lyon and levi. we had nothing to do so I suggested "lets jump in the trampoline" on we went into the bouncy contraption we start jumping until one of them brings up "marcos why don't you just do a backflip its so easy".I thought in my head here we go again.

How i feel about my revision: I feel that my revision is more detailed and enjoyable yo read.

New Lead: Have you ever had a big concert before where everyone had their eyes on you? Everyone was staring, I was worried that I was going to play the wrong string or move my bow in the opposite direction of the other violin players. I looked around desperately in the crowd of people clapping after the show was over, then I saw my father. My dad hadn't come to any of my concerts before this, he was always busy with work during school hours. I smiled and waved at him, he waved back. After everyone stood up to go see their families, people jumping into the arms of their loved ones it was finally my turn. I threw my things down on the ground and ran to my dad, he hugged me with open arms. My face hurts from smiling as my mom, brother, and best friend all stood there smiling.

Its decent but I could add more detail to it, which I will do.

I was confused and concerned as I froze not saying anything as the best person I met said nothing, I felt betrayed and abandoned but I didn’t lose hope. Because of that I waited and waited day by day until I saw that same car come back for me, but it never did. I grew impatient and weary waiting for them as I started to just give up when school started. I learned to let go of things sometimes and know when to not get too comfortable with someone, I also grew to know that sometimes goodbyes mean a lot.

This shaped me to know that I couldn’t let my guard down, I didn’t want to remember what happened all those years ago and cut my hair and changed my whole personality and the way I dressed.

Have you ever lost a pet? I had one when I was 10, My dog my favorite dog my only dog was sick.

new lead:

I felt nothing. Everything stopped. It felt like the world stopped spinning. I have never felt like this before. Why was I crying now? I never cried at funerals or anything I hated crying in front of people. But now why was I crying?

I think my lead has improved because it feels stronger and is more of a hook instead of the first one.

On Sunday, I was very bored. It was so hot that even moving my toe caused sweat to rush out of every pore of my body.

Another version uses a Dramatic Lead.

I was so bored and hot that I started to complain out loud, swallowing the words as fast as they tried to come out. Saying you're bored meant instant yard work or chores.

I like my first lead-in because it is close to what I originally wrote and is more about how I speak...

New Lead: Have you wondered how it was like to test your patience at a fun event? well for me, that is what I needed when someone was playing a game I wanted to play, for way to long...

I Feel that it is decent, as I added new details to show that the lead might be directly talking to the audience.

rewritten lead: It was december, only five days before christmas eve. Yet there I was, in Columbus Ohio. My dad and I were there to visit my eldest sister, Ayana. I remember admiring everything the second we got there. It was beautiful, I had never been there before. We made our way to a hotel, I still remember the bus ride there. I remember the birds that flew with the bus, I remember seeing the slightly iced floor and the trees that had already shed their old leaves. I remember seeing squirrels for the first time, and their nests which laid in the tall trees. It was so full of life, it was so amazing.

How I feel about my revision: I think it gives more depth to my story and also gives the reader a better perspective of everything.

Revised Lead - Set The Scene: It was a Wednesday afternoon on campus. I was now in my third period, English. We were working on informational essays based on a topic we chose. I was sitting at my table consisting of me, my friends Bella, Sofia, and Rachel. I was having a bit of a hard time focusing. Until I heard Bella softly singing. It peaked my interest to what song she was singing, I asked her.

My revision gives a more stronger introduction of the setting. I feel that my first lead was a little plain and not really descriptive to what was happening.

The blazing sun was shining down on me from the sky. It was midday, so it was super hot. My palms are as sweaty as a wet peddle, heart racing like I was a trackstar, my breath trembling and body shaking. I looked down below me, “There’s no going back now, If I try to go back down, I’ll probably fall.” I thought to myself. I was as scared as a dog in the middle of the road, I new I had to do this, I had people counting on me. Going back down would be humiliating, and would make me disappointed. I kept my head up high, and kept on climbing

Second lead (revised):

It was around 2:00 Pm on a hot, Saturday morning, during summer in 2023. "You got this" My best friend Sydney said, patting me on the back. About 15 minutes before that, she had dared me to jump of the rock at Waimea. The blazing sun was shining down on me from up high. It was midday, so it was super hot. My palms are as sweaty as a wet peddle. The more I climbed up, and got higher, the faster my heart raced, I felt like I was a track star. I looked down below me my breath trembling and body shaking, “There’s no going back now, If I try to go back down, I’ll probably fall,” I thought to myself. I was as scared as a dog in the middle of the road, but I knew I had to do this, I had people counting on me. Going back down would be humiliating, and would make me feel like I had disappointed everyone counting on me to jump. So, I kept my head up high, and kept on climbing.

How I feel about it:

I forgot to add dialogue in my flash draft (Oops) so as I went back in, I tried to add more but I don't really remember too much of the talking and while I was on the rock, no one I knew was there, so I didn't talk to anyone. Anyway, now I do have an idea of where to add dialogue so that doesn't really matter, but I also added the setting and described when it took place with more detail. I think I did improve my lead, and made it hook the readers more.

have you ever faced a fear? i have my fear of heights. I was in Alabama for thanksgiving and we went to an arcade and my dumb self wanted to go on a rock wall. I didn't realise in that moment but that moment would change me.

new lead:

Title

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
–Eleanor Roosevelt. When you're scared you must face your fear to move along and that's exactly what I did. Well, I have when I was in Alabama for Thanksgiving I was at this arcade with a Rockwall and I am gravely afraid of heights but for some dumb reason I wanted to go on it. but that moment would change me forever.

I think my revision is stronger than before because it hooks the reader more.

Have you ever been obsessed with a certain item so much that you freak out if someone touches it? It could be a blanket from when you were first born, or maybe just a picture? Well if you do, then this is a great story for you.

My new lead:

Some people are obsessed with certain things that have a certain meaning to them. It could be a guitar that your dad gave to you for your 5th birthday, or a stuffed animal your grandma gave you. Whatever it may be it will always have meaning. Just like my soft blanket.

I like my revision choice more because, it is more sentimental that my original lead. I think that my revision choice is more suitable for my story.

1.  But in school it was kinda hard to make friends because I would lose them the next year so it was hard

2. But towards the start of july on the 3rd 2019 after a great day of babysitting before my papa was going to leave I said “I love you” and I was glad I said that you know why because after sometime we got a call on that day saying we have to go

3. But when we arrived we were in the parking lot of the hospital. My mom rushed to the emergency room which worried me. She was rushing so fast that she left me, my dad and my brothers so we stayed outside on the bench

4. until I see my dad just sitting there looking hopelessly on the bench and that was when I asked a question “why are we here?” and that was a wrong move because my dad started to cry

5.  because he was in a bed with all of these tubes connected to him and it was like

1. Walking through the white and blue halls I stumbled upon the old rainbow made of butterflies mural. I also noticed the monkey pod tree the school had planted in honor of Mrs. Bonnie Tabor, grew at least twice the size since the last time I saw it.

2. But then as I was walking closer to the class I had to go to help for the day, I bumped into an old custodian.

3. After talking with the custodian for like 10 minutes I finally made it to Mr. Marvel’s class.  He was wearing a good ol’ Aloha shirt and his round white glasses. As soon as I stepped foot in the room, Mr. Marvel happily greeted me like a happy puppy seeing its owner. I

First lead: how did I feel?? where did it take place?

New lead: It was the first day in middle school at Ewa Makai and I didnt know what to expect and I also never knew a lot of people and I was also very nervous.

How I felt: I was very nervous and scared

1:We followed him to the entrance. It was very slippery to get up because of the water coming off the waterfall. I slipped multiple times trying to get up. Once I had finally gotten up we walked on a skinny rock into a cave next to the waterfall. Then my uncle disappeared into thin air! “Hello?” I yelled into the cave

“Guys I'm in the water, slide down the rocks!” You could barely hear my uncle's voice over the rumble of the water falling and hitting the rocks. My cousin and I followed his voice until we found a natural water slide that slid into a swimming hole! Sure enough, my uncle was swimming inside waiting for us. My cousin was in front of me so he was the first to go in. He hesitated but my uncle talked him into it.   I watched my cousin slide down the rock into the pool. He pooped up next to my uncle and now it was my turn…I

2:I was so nervous I decided to leave the cave and go out to the sun. I left the entrance of the cave and went to the fresh air. I laid on the rocks and gathered my thoughts. I calmed down and breathed. “O’rian,” my mom exclaimed from the rocks where she was lying “What are you doing? Don’t you want to go in?”

3: I popped up in the pool and saw my uncle and cousin against a wall on the other side of the pool. I swam towards them and found a ledge underwater I could stand on. For the first time, I wasn’t nervous, I was enjoying the moment and wasn’t scared. That only lasted a couple of seconds because then I was starting to wonder, how are we going to get out!

1. I hated marching. I was so bad at it and to make it even worse I was the tallest in the group like always and had to march in the front of the line!

2. My parents asked me if I wanted to go to dinner. I forgot all about auditions and said sure.

3. We got there and ordered our food then my mom pulled out an envelope and said look what I found when I was looking through old stuff.

4.  It said I was accepted to be a doll!

Incident number 1

I had stopped on my bike because I reached an intersection where a car was sitting that kept waving me on

Incident number 2

The lady in the car kept asking me if I wanted a ride home, then asked where I lived, before asking me about getting a ride home again.

Incident number 3

After about a minute I asked the lady if she wanted me to ask my parents if I could when they got closer, and she said no before speeding away.

1. Arriving at my sisters home and meeting distant cousins.

   "As the door opened the house smelled like autumn and I was greeted with my uncle, he was so excited to see me and my dad. We chatted a bit before I saw my sister walk down the stairs, she was so excited. She immediately introduced me to my cousin Kay, she was so kind and I could tell they got along really well"

2. Having this sense of feeling at home

   "I felt like I was at home, I felt like I was 7 again hanging out with my teenage sister with her newly decorated room. I felt like I belonged here. I met everyone in the family, they were all so kind with open arms, I felt like I was important in their family."

3. Getting to experience new and fun places (feeling more free)

   "They made me feel at home, they told me about their adventures here. We even got to go on adventures together often, We did many things in the span of only five days. I felt like I was at home."

4. reflecting, when my thoughts had changed

   "Now in my “home” I felt out of place, I no longer felt free. I felt like I was finally home after years of waiting, then I was immediately taken back into a place which was forced to be home. Flooded with memories of when this house once was home. But now this is my house, but my house will never be my home. My home is with my sisters."

   
   

   
   

   I was able to add more details and added more emotion to my writing! I have four incidents and I'll probably revise them more in the future :]

   
   

I had less detail on this one.

1. I was being buckled into the black and red coaster seat as a worker checked that my strap was tight.

2.  I glanced into the operator shack above me and saw the worker hit the button and he sent us off

3.  I found myself being pushed through the line by my cousin toward the ride gate of the roller coaster

4. I realized that I was being strapped into the ride seat so I couldn’t get out.

5. Then suddenly, we  dropped into a loopty loop, then 2 more. We went through a building and many quark screws

6. because of my cousin pushing me through the ride line into the ride, and me not running away

i was woken up by my parents and told me to get ready and take a shower as im going to a 'trip' that i didnt even know about

incident:

we made it onto the plane and we landed in colorado and then we had to climb a mountain, it took very long with my feet hurting and the wind howling against me

Alright so we were all at the goodwill shopping for whatever we needed and, I look down one of the isles and I see the christmas sale. Now I was only excited because I saw like 3 different kinds of soft blankets.

Incident #2

But then when I started to tell my Momma how bad I wanted it she was slowly thinking about letting me get this certain blanket. I started to tell her that I would do extra chores or anything at all and finally she let me get it.

Incident #3

And the colors on the blanket were so pretty that I redecorated my entire room.

My response was I got upset because It's an important topic that I should have been told through her, not my dad.

My second incident was she had to go back to Arkansas soon and I worried she wasn't gonna make it

I started stressing about it and I got really upset.

My third incident is I started thinking back on it and got frustrated because she didn't tell me my dad did and when she told me I kind of pushed her to

One afternoon at my house sitting down on the couch playing some video games on the PS5. Just winning all the time had some loss here and there. but still just playing games on the couch.  feeling kind of bored I switched to another game learning all the techniques of the game. I started to like this one game even though I lost here and there. I'm still having fun and nothing would ever stop me from having fun.

1. Not too long after, it was my turn to go up and say my speech. I was just any other 4th grade I thought, but that could change all today. Walking up to the stage, I started to get nervous, it was a long walk since my class was sitting in the back. Just when I thought it was bad enough, I almost tripped on myself.

2. I got embarrassed to the point where I had to stop in the middle of the alleyway for just a moment. Everybody was staring at me and I felt like they were spreading negative rumors about me, everyone was talking/whispering under their breath.

3. I was telling myself that I could do this, I was getting more and more confident. That was until I got up to the stage, there were so many people. Looking around I saw a whole lot of students, teachers, and school staff. I looked around and started to say my speech. Right as I opened my mouth, I thought I had seen my parents and zoned out. No words came out, it was a good minute of awkward silence.

It was a nice and normal Saturday morning at the bouldering gym. I was with my mom, dad, and my brothers.

Revised lead:

It was a nice and normal Saturday morning at the bouldering gym, with my mom, my dad, and my 2 other brothers.

My revised lead made the two sentences blend better. and adding the #2 made it specific to how many brothers I have with me. (I have 5 brothers in total). Also adding the additional "my" to dad made it seem and sound better with "my mom"

Incident #1

My Parents told me that we were going to go to a park today. I was a little confused, especially because it was this early in the morning, but I didn't resist or anything. I didn't think of it much, it was just gonna be some standalone field of grass, nothing really special, but I couldn't have eaten my words more than ever before.

Incident #2

I stopped dead in my tracks and I took a moment to breathe and just observe the surroundings around me. The leaves from the titan trees, swaying from side to side, the stunning visuals of the area, the small creeks that laid nearby me, the wind flowing by and almost as if it was playing a lullaby in my ears. This place wasn't no ordinary park. It was so.. beautiful. I've never seen something as beautiful as here. I took deep breaths of the cold, pure air.

Incident #3

It had me thinking of my perspective of what I really thought of the Earth. I always thought of the negatives, war, famine, disease, and death. I never really took time to look at nature and appreciate it because it's something that was so beautiful and I was blinded by the afflictions of malice and grief in this world that I never took the time to look at the good in this world. There is still good, I just needed to stop looking at the bad, nothing would ever come good of focusing on that.

I took another deep breath, and I walked with my family. Observing the absolute beauty of this world that we are so fortunate to inherit.

"I got up off my couch and my parents told me we were gonna go the park. Nothing special really."

Revised lead:

"The cold air flew by as I was awoken by my parents, I shifted my blankets away from my face and I mustered the strength to get up and look at my parents. They told me that we were going to go to a park today. I was a little confused, since it was this early in the morning, but I didn't resist or anything. I didn't think of this "park" much, It was just gonna be some standalone field of grass, nothing really special, but I couldn't have eaten my words more than ever before."

This new lead has much more of a dramatic entrance to it and it is definitely much better and softens my introduction so it's more easy to understand and it flows better.

My revised lead used in a dramatic moment: i cant believe i followed his influence! That was the most stupidest thing i have ever did! this could have been avoided but i just followed his lead.

How do i feel about my revision changes: i feel like this will have more of an impact on the reader and hook them in the story and have them keep reading.

When I heard that most of my cousins were coming over I was excited since its been awhile

Incident #2

Everyone was bored as always and then we figured to go outside and slide down the hill with left over cardboard

Incident #3

In the corner of my eye I saw an avocado tree up by the wall in someones property but some fruits out, that's when I mentioned to them that by law its ok to pick if they are across property

Incident #4

Kaeson _my cousin - went to climb the wall and reached for some for fun, I followed him to try and stop him but then he already picked on off, and I figured I'd give in and take one too

Incident #5

The property owner caught us and we jumped off the wall running for my house! she was yelling a whole lot and it was loud.

Incident #1

I slipped off the rock, and at that instant, I tried to grab the rock my foot was on, but it was too late.

Incident #2

I hit the hard blue mat I got the wind knocked out of me. I also realized I hurt my foot badly

Incident #3

I had a moderate to severe sprain in my left ankle.

Incident 2: I woke up almost in tears, grabbed the flashlight, went into my uncle's room and woke him up but I scared him.

Incident 3: he woke up and I told him I had a bad dream, he just gave me my cousin's I pad and told me to go back in the room and watch on it.

Incident 4: I didn't go to sleep till 3 am and hasn't told anyone about that dream until recently

Incident 5: (this past couple years) My uncle always dies laughing telling my family that story when I scared him to death when I woke him up. I just laughed with them even though I know that situation was nothing close to Funny.

new lead: I couldn't accept the fact that he left, he isn't here anymore. I don't know why but I just cant, he was my purpose for four months straight and now that he's gone what do I do? Everyday I'd go to grandmas house after school to spend time with my grandpa, everyday for four months straight. At the prayer the day of his death at my grandma's house my sister and I where laying down besides each other, we weren't on our phones, we weren't talking, we weren't even looking at each other, just laying there in complete silence unable to process what will happen after this. My oldest sister walks in, she sits down on the bed with us a drink in her hand as she brings to speak " How are you guys feeling about this?" me and my sister stay silent, we couldn't answer that, not right now while were still taking it in and processing. My sister begins to speak again, " well at least it was expect and wasn't sudden." But it did feel sudden, it did feel unexpected or at least to me it did.

I think my lead might be a bit to long or I might need to shorten it up a bit but over all I think its pretty okay I could improve on it a bit more.

incident 2: from January to April for 4 months straight me my sisters brother mom and dad all go over to my grandmas house everyday to spend time with my grandpa.

incident 3: the medicine not working and needing to get him a caretaker which was my brother

incident 4: he was moved to a hospice home for one day and then passed away the next while in the hospice home.

incident 2: after going on the gravitron, I had this random feeling on trying new rides, but not the slingshot.

incident 3: I tried the zipper and even though I was scared I think that it's one of my favorites.

incident 2: Once I got home, I checked the guest room to see if my aunt and cousins were in there like they usually were, but the room had no one in it, no black car in our driveway, Nothing. I just told myself that it was nothing and that I should just go to bed since it was already 11pm.

incident 3: When I woke up I awoke to stuff being moved from the guest room they stayed in, I was puzzled and went downstairs to look for my cousin but instead I saw my dad talking to my aunt as my older cousin was bringing things into my aunts car. I asked my dad what was going on and where my other cousin was and he told me they were moving out. The moment shattered me as I didn't have time to cry.

incident 4: 30 minutes pass and they were all set to go. I then saw my cousin and froze, she didn't look at me or say anything. I felt horrible and my head raced with thoughts as I didn't get to say goodbye, I was feeling terrible. I waited day after day waiting for them, until 4th grade started and my hope was shattered.

incident 2. years later when I had my biggest violin concert ever I looked around in the crowd of people to see if I could find my dad anywhere.

incident 3. I saw a group of people waving at me trying to get my attention, and there he was. My dad, mom, brother, and best friend were all there to see me preform.

incident 4. After I played all my songs, I flipped through the pages to see if there was anything else, but then I heard everyone cheer. I stood up as all the other musicians left to see their family.

incident 5: I found my family, but the first person I ran to was my dad. I threw my things onto the ground and gave him a big hug as he pulled out a bouquet of tulips.

I ended up playing even worse than before. | Incident #2:  My dad pulled me aside again, and he didn’t even say that much. “Side,” he said, and it hurt more than a bee sting. | Response #2: The hurricane let loose, and my eyes were flooding as I angrily recounted the day to her. | Incident #3: She listened patiently(this is my mom, by the way) | Response #3:  and eventually calmed me down.

incident 2 - When I got in the ambulance I don't remember anything but I only remember is me going in the ambulance and getting carried into the hospital entrance by my mom, once we got into a room they made me on a hospital gown and also made me take medicine after waiting for a long time they told me that they were going to staple my head and when they were stapling my head.

Incident 3 - Getting home from the hospital and feeling really sick and dizzy still from that accident.

Incident 1:

Once I was on the top of the rock, I just watched people jump off

response to incident 1: the more I observed the less scared I got.

Incident 2:

 I noticed there were no kids jumping,

Response to incident 2: “should I really do this?” I thought

Incident 3:

 I walked closer to the edge and sat down on the edge of the cliff, looking down was like a horror movie, my breath shaking. After I watched everyone go..

Response to incident 3: ..I learned a pattern.

Incident 4:

People would jump almost like a caI nnon ball, or land on their bums, which made a big splash, but it looked like it hurt. I saw a girl younger than me jump off, with no hesitation.

Response to incident 4:

“Wow, that’s so cool, she must be so brave,” I thought to myself. If she could do it, so can I! So, I stood up on the edge of the rock, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and jumped. I pretended that I had to jump or else my family would die, or something bad would happen which really helped motivate me.

Incident 5: my family cheering for me

Response to incident 5:

 I was still smiling the entire time.

My revised lead: It was about 7:30 at night when my dad told me to get my sister dressed up and get in the car. I headed in the car, waiting patiently for my parents and little sister. I saw the front door open, my mom holding her bag, and my dad holding my little sister. They headed to the car and my dad opened the car door to put my little sister in her car seat, "Buckle up your sister," he told me, and I did without a question. He got in the car and started it, waiting for the engine to heat up. When the engine heated up, he started driving. "Where are we meeting up with the guy?" I asked, being very excited and very impatient. "Don't worry about it," my dad said. I sat back, leaning against my sister's car seat, looking out the window, wondering when we were going to get there. After some time, "We're here," my dad said, I lifted my head looking around, to see that we were in a parking lot.

How I feel about my changes: I think my changes made my lead stronger because it's more descriptive than just saying "I'm in the car with my parents and little sister." Also, I think it made my lead stronger because instead of just saying "Going to go get my first ever pet," I made my revised lead so it doesn't say why I'm meeting up with this guy, to grab my readers' attention to make them wonder, "Why is she meeting up with this guy?" Or "Why is she so excited to meet up with this guy?" I could make my lead shorter, but I think I did pretty good with revising it.

Incident # 2: in the begining, the ride went slow. we first saw the crystal cave full of pretty colorful crystals and dreamy music! I loved this part already! we drove past a lot of flies for our next sight, the mushroom forest! We saw jumping bugs and mushrooms and heard exiting sounds! that was good so far, but I know that something's going to get scary!

Incident #3 we drove a little fast through the stormy seas with loud thunder and blazing lightning! I was a little scared of that. then we heard roaring and roaring as we entered the lava cave! I saw lava and lava! Now, this is going to get super scary. we drove and drove until we stop, and saw this roaring lava monster! it roared at us! we drove so fast left to right! we went up and sped to the drop! I was screaming and crying because I did not like this part at all! then we slowed down and the ride was done.

Incident 2: describe the incident that followed (what happened?). The driver saw me and thought I had fallen onto the road

Incident 2 (revised): describe the incident that followed (what happened?). The driver saw me and thought I had fallen onto the road. I’m pretty sure he saw me and thought I tripped onto the road or something. Either way, he did not look happy I think he might’ve thought I was being careless or something it was definitely one of those because he did not stop driving until he saw me since Titan was super small at that time so I don’t think he’d be mad at my dog

Incident 3: thanks to my dog I now had pee on my neck since he was scared and tinkled on me

Incident 3 (revised):  Thanks to my dog I now had pee on my neck since he was scared and peed on me. Also, I could hear the driver yelling at me saying to pay attention to the road next time, and some other rude words. Once I held up my dog and he took a glimpse of him I could tell that he knew what had happened because he looked embarrassed. He sank into his chair, red-faced, stopped shouting, and gave us a signal – which I could tell meant sorry – and then he drove off.

Incident #2: She was a Rottweiler and when the guy grabbed her, he gave her to me. It surprised me when he gave her to me because she was so heavy. How could something so little be so heavy!?

Incident #3: He drove to the pet store. When we got to the pet store, my dad grabbed the dog and my mom grabbed my sister. “Fishy?” My sister said because she knows that there are fish in the pet store. We walked into the store and I grabbed a cart. “Lexy, can you hold her, she’s getting heavy.”

My revised lead: Dreams are your brain entertaining itself because the brain is always active even when you’re sleeping. Sometimes dreams can be pleasant and nice. But I had a very different experience. I found myself in an ocean of tsunamis as tall as skyscrapers. It was a piercing black night, I slowly started to drown in the storm of tsunamis and I felt a sting in my eyes as they opened underneath the water. Then a darkness overtook me. I then found myself on a high rock mountain where heavy rain fell on my face. I was lying on the rock ground where the curves and edges pierced my skin, I saw other people walking up the mountain. I started to feel myself get sucked into the rock as I felt it turn to liquid. The liquid consumed me and I fell in a wormhole to darkness. I appeared in a damaged field, polluted everywhere. 

How do I feel about my revision choices? I didn't change much of the lead because I had already given a very interesting setting of what was happening but didn't quite explain what was happening. I just added in the beginning that I was in a dream so the reader could at least understand that what I was saying was describing a dream.

Incident #2: I awoke again and found myself in my house, all by myself. I heard a knock on the front door, and I heard a distorted voice outside, I tried not to scream and ran out of the house and through the backdoor. And I found out that a big horrifying creature was chasing me and I ran through the road and I had tears in my eyes as the creature only got closer.

Incident #3: I woke up in a cell filled with people, I heard loud shouting outside. I found my mother and sister carrying big heaves of hay and handing it to the people inside the cell. My body felt weak like I hadn’t eaten in weeks. And I fell into another wormhole of darkness, and then I truly woke up.

Incident and response #2: " “Ellie read for emcee number one, and Selena emcee number two.” Oh no, I really only practiced emcee number one."( response) "I pulled out the audition script from my pocket out of sheer fear that I would mess up my lines, so I started studying it"

Incident and response #3: "After many different announcements they said, “ and for our class of 2024 graduation emcees, Dylan Cowan and Selena Labeste." (response) "The sound of applause filled my ears, my face lit up. (there was a sentence between these) Me and my friend Carina, had a mini celebration that consisted of lots of quiet and high pitched squealing."

Incident and response #4: "Me and Dylan walked up onto the stage, I stopped in front of the first microphone and when the clapping and shouting died down I started reading the script." (response) "I was fiddling with my paper the whole time I was speaking, I wanted to run off stage and hide in a corner. However, I relaxed myself, and didn’t run."

These are the revised versions of my incidents. I made my responses more show and not as tell.

(Revised lead): My grandfather Eduard was a “never to be forgotten” figure in my life. He passed away in 2022, and my memory of him still remains in my heart. Unfortunately, since I was too young I couldn’t attend his funeral.

How I feel about the change: I’m happy with how I changed it, i think it’s so much better like this. I didn’t change much, but it still is improved. I just used differently and slightly better words.

My revised lead: It was around 10 o clock at night on April 19th 2024 and my sister and I were minutes away from getting new puppies. When we finally arrived we jumped out of the car and saw them running towards us stumbling over their tiny legs. We were on Big island for my sisters birthday and my sister and I were saving up to get puppies and we finally did in time. So we flew out to get them and thankfully our friends lived there so we were able to experience this exciting moment with them. As we were running to go see them they surprisingly knew who's owner was who right away. We were only there for a little bit but that was the best few moments of getting to see my first ever puppy for the first time, Bailey.

How I feel about my changes: I feel a lot more confident about my revised one because it explains a lot more than my original which had hardly any information in it. My revised one goes into a lot more detail which if I was reading this for the first time I would like too.

incident #2 started having sharp pains on the left side of my chest and stomach area.

incident #3 went to the ER and the doctor told me and my parents I have pneumonia and that I have to stay in the hospital for a few days.

1/When the shanked ball happened and what happened to me?

2/ is about our ranked and I cant play anymore for that day

My revised: UGHH I messed up!! I was up on that stage doing my dance and I skipped a part!!! I was soooo mad. I barley held together. I felt like crying because what if I do that on saturday the real day of my performance? My mom says "you won't hun" "WHAT IF I DOOOOO" I say.

How do I feel about my change: My revised is much more strong because It is actually interesting much drama and Dramatic. A story with a lot of action is a good one. Also gives the reader a better visualize on how felt in the story and was happening.

"It was a Friday afternoon and i had just gotten my schoolwork done, i had already asked my mom if i could go outside and she said “yes as long as you don’t do anything too dangerous.” As I ran over to this trampoline my friend owned, I saw Azzy (my BFF at the time) and excitedly waved and ran over to her. She waved back as she was jumping alone on the trampoline."

my revised lead:

"It was Friday in the Afternoon and I had just asked my mom if I could go outside after finish my schoolwork "yes just don't go too far and don't do anything too dangerous" she replied. I Finished my School Work shortly after and ran to put my shoes on before going outside. as soon as i got outside I immediately rushed over to a trampoline that me and Azzy's friend owned. when I got there I saw Azzy jumping Alone on the trampoline waiting for me and waved excitedly while running over, she waved back with a giant smile on her face"

how do I feel about my revision choices?

I feel like I expanded my story and made it so much more longer and detailed then the original

#1 incident

jumping off the tree and getting the wind knocked out of me

#1 response

panicking and crying trying to look for help

#2 incident

I can finally breath

#2 response

start to cry tears of joy and walk over to a wall to recoup

# incident

Azzy and my mom rush over

#3 response

I reassure my mom and smile

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the ground under your feet suddenly started shaking? That’s exactly what happened to a group of fifth graders who were just getting ready for their school day. With their backpacks on and their minds focused on math and recess, who could have imagined that their day would be interrupted by a big earthquake?

second lead revised.

The classroom was buzzing with excitement as the fifth graders chatted about their favorite games and what they’d have for lunch. Suddenly, the floor began to rumble and shake, and everything around them started to move. Desks wobbled, books fell, and the students looked around in fear as their safe, familiar classroom turned into a wild, shaking scene.

1/ I was at school and there was a earthquake

2/ a bunch of police cars were every where.

3/ after school my mom turned on the radio and found out that the volcano erupted.

Revised lead: One day my friends chose to hang out on a hot day at the mall but then we all decided to go to the beach instead. Once we got there we were so excited to jump in the water, but when we got closer and closer to the shore we saw people jumping off a tall rock...

How I feel about my new lead:

I feel like my new lead is more detailed and it's is way more stronger then my original lead.

Revised lead: Birds trilled their sweet songs, their melody ringing throughout the woods. The wind whistled along the canopy, making the foliage rustle against one another. I took in a deep breath of the crisp, earthy scent of the forest, feeling the fresh air fill my lungs, and deflate as I exhaled. I loved going on hikes like these with my mom: a strange sense of euphoria always filled me with being amongst nature and flora.

How I feel about my new lead: I feel that I used more precise, descriptive words to get a better idea of the environment and setting. I think the last part was okay, so I didn't change it. I don't know the difference between semi colons and colons, so I probably shouldn't have used it.

1. went to volleyball practice and our coach was yelling at us because of our passing

2. our passing got better and we got to play queen of the court.

3. during queen of the court someone fell and was screaming

How my grandpa died and I just found out. My response to that was to obviously cry since I so sad, my mom then bought tickets to fly to Russia to be in time for his funeral. And how I couldn’t go to the funeral since I was too young

The second incident is after the funeral, when I just entered the empty house and all his stuff still there. My response to that is to be really sad and I missed him a lot.

I was waiting for my next practice attempt for my classes' graduation performance. A kid in my class started playing around behind me and was getting annoying.

Revised lead:

We were waiting in the hall for our next attempt at our graduation practice. Both of our two classes were waiting in line for it to begin. There was a kid playing around in line behind me, bothering some other kids. He was getting extremely obnoxious, and bothering others in line around him, as well as me.

How I feel about my new lead:

I think I chose better words, and described the scene better as well as saying what others were feeling. I also fixed some Grammar.

Incident 2 Started with me getting shouted at by the same person who slammed my head into the pole

Incident 3 started with me not responding to him, and a teacher taking me to the health room.

revised: The room started to shake as the chandelier was swaying my photos hung to the wall fell. I was so scared.

incident #2: chandalier starts swaying

incident #3: things start falling

1.) we have to take a plane in order to get to Hawaii so I must face a fear

2.)Going to the a Starbucks but it was almost on the other side of the airport

3.) once we arrived at the Starbucks there was a long line so we ha dto wait a while

Revised lead: I was Sitting in the car excited to finally meet my first puppy. I was hoping it wasn't too late at night to get them since it was like 10 at night and we weren't sure if we were going to get them since it was late at night.

incident #2: having lots of pain because I was so nervous

I changed my story by making more incidents, before I only had 2 incidents and I only had one more to do. I was able to improve and focus on my story by adding more detail to each of my incidents.

1. My Nana said that I would be crying for 12 more years if I cried everyday before school

2. During school I didn't want to do much Based on what I heard on the first incident because I knew that I would have to repeat these types of days for 12 years

3. This led to me hating school on the very next day

Incident 1: We were driving on our way there

Incident 2: It was late and we almost didn't make it

Incident 3: we barely made it and took the puppies back home

I stopped my trek up the stairs and yelled back “FINE!” My dad knew exactly why I was mad he was the one who told me. My eyes burned I finally got up the stairs, the hallway looked longer the doors looked smaller, and I felt a tear run down my face, I approached the door it was small so small it felt like I couldn't fit through it, on the other side of the door was my best friend the one that was there when I was born the one that loved me the one I loved and I would have to say goodbye soon she was leaving and I would not accept it, I couldn’t who could it was overwhelming to think about the stress every day I would endure, it was a horrible thought......

response: I didn't know, but I noticed something was up

My dad telling me my grandma had cancer

Response: I was frustrated she didn't tell me

I pushed her to tell me

Response: I felt very upset because I can't picture life without my grandma

i was woken up by my parents to get on this sort of 'trip' that i was never told about

revised:

i was woken up by the sounds of water running and bags zipping, i was on my foam mattress, with my parents taking me to wake up and get dressed for some sort of 'trip' i believe, which i didnt even hear about

response: i was not very happy about this because of how tall the mountain looked and how cold it was

The way that focusing on my reflection improves my ending is that the things that we did in the beginning makes a better build up towards the end making it entertaining and making the read keep reading hooking them in the story.

revised lead: In 2017 when I was just 5 years old, I had my first experience being in the hospital.  I will always remember this because it was scary for me just being a kid and not understanding what was going on.

Response: it was so sore I didn't want to move and cried in pain. I was frightened and bored because all I would do in my hospital room was watch movies.

revised lead: In 2022 I was playing on the road with my friends this was our first interaction with the big dog we did not understand if the dog was vicious or not

response: I was not happy with the outcome but I new I could not get mad at anyone else because I decided to do this and I got what I deserved

Closing thought, this moment is important to me because after this happened I realized that I am brave and that I would risk my life for neighbors that I didn't really know. I am now a really nice human being that would do anything to save people, including That I would risk my life for them. 

That day I realized that it’s good to visit the past and embrase it every now and then. Also, that time is precious because it had already been 2 years since i’ve been there and so much has already changed. That’s a story that will always be in my heart because of all the new and old memories it holds with in it.

I learned that if you face your fear then that fear will fade and you’ll realize that it wasn’t so bad. 

Looking back, I realized that because of my cousin pushing me through the ride line into the ride, and me not running away, I found out that I really like those kinds of rides, and especially that ride.

i had to add more details to the ending because it had just a little bit of details.

Looking back I feel that if I hadn’t auditioned and faced my fear of public speaking. I wouldn't have taken up other public speaking and performing opportunities. 

I added the lesson more clearly into my reflection, and I removed unneeded and extra information.

Write a new version that adds physical or sensory details.

Write a second version that focuses on inner thoughts or emotions.

Write a third version that adds imagery or expands the scene.

ORIGINAL SENTENCE:

LOOPED SENTENCE:

REFLECTION:

• Did looping add depth?

• Does the moment feel more vivid and meaningful?

• Where else in your story can you use looping?

Revised Part: We traveled through the park that had endless fields with wildlife and wheat growing. The sun, peeking through the trees. We walked through a Japanese-styled part of the park, a zen garden with beautiful bamboo shoots and other plants. Finally, we hiked up a mountain of the park and looked off into the distance to see the huge mountain standing over us, Mount. Rainier.

I believe that my revision added more depth as you get to hear about me walking through the park as it is and really imagining the beauty of what I saw in your head. The story feels more vivid and I think I could maybe find some other parts to add looping in my story.

LOOPED SENTENCE: "It felt like the air had moved out because there wasn't enough room, like my chest was enclosing, like my lungs were closed up, like I couldn't breath"

REFLECTION

• the looping definitely added a lot of depth and more emotion

• the moment feels a lot more meaningful then it already was

• "I panicked as I realized I couldn't breathe." This sentence could definitely use looping

New Looped Sentence: It Was shocking. I could feel my stomach twisting as it launched.

Reflection: I definitely think looping will help my writing because something I specifically struggle with is detail and looping is just like a mini revision to a sentence to add more detail so I will definitely go back to loop more sentences

1st Newer version: Kaedy and I mindlessly scrolling on our phone.

2 Newer version: Kaedy and I were mindlessly scrolling on our phones. The boredom slowly consumes us whole with nothing to do. Bored out of our minds we started sending each other memes slightly giggling and laughing at funny videos, But soon returning back to the mindless scrolling.

Did looping add depth?

Yes i believe it added depth because the original text was bland and short where the newest one had more detail to pull the reader in.

Does the moment feel more vivid and meaningful?

Yes I think it is even though we are pretty much doing nothing it shows more depth and detail to make the reader captivated on what we are doing

where else in your story can you use looping?

On most of my draft I made sure to put more detail but I plan to read through it and find places I can make it longer or emphasize the text or find more short sentences that have more potential!

Revised: After I saw the ball drop right in front of me I knew it was over. Everything was. I felt like the world was over and that I let everyone down because I couldn't get the ball up. The thoughts and anxiety running through my head during that game had taken over me. All of us were devasted, going from being scared and shaking in the beginning to feeling so lost and let down in the end. Having to experience going through a loss after working so hard for the win is always the hardest.

Reflection: I think that my revised version is better than my first one because it helped me add more details and there was more to talk about in the story.

Revised sentence: Guess what? One day during playtime at school, I found out our classroom had legos. I saw them in a box filled with different stuff and could see it so clearly and they felt real too. In my mind I felt very happy and couldn’t describe how I felt at the moment. Around me I saw kids playing with other toys but when I saw this, the other toys seemed like nothing to me.

Reflection: I think that looping added more depth as it was able to add more details and make the sentence longer.

I also think that it had more vivid and meaningful sentences when I added how I felt in the moment. I feel like I could use looping more in the response area.

Looping sentence:

I walked closer to the edge and sat down on the edge of the cliff, looking down was like a horror movie, my breath shaking. The thought of hitting the water incorrectly, and breaking a bone was haunting the back of my head. I tried to shake it off, but my pessimistic thoughts kept flashing before me, and overruling the last bit of courage I had to jump.

Did looping add depth: Yes I think looping added depth because the original sentence was short and bland, while the new sentence, using looping has more details and is more interesting which can help pull the reader in, or hook the reader.

Does the moment feel more vivid and meaningful?

Yes, the moment feels more vivid and meaningful after using looping because it explains better what was going on inside my head, what I was thinking and what I was feeling in that moment.

Where else in your story can you use looping?

I can use looping almost everywhere in my story, and I think I'll try to because it really helped, I can use it in my draft to add more detail. I'll probably read through it again to try and find more places where I can add looping.

Looping sentence: I looked around her room, and throughout the decorations I could see her within her room. All of her interests and her feelings make it seem like an art piece. I felt like I belonged here. I met everyone in the family, they were all so kind with open arms, I felt like I was important in their family.

I was able to add more emotion and it helped me reflect on how I felt. I think I could use looping on some more sentences if needed.

Looped sentence: I went over to my mom, my sweet, compassionate mom, and I just exploded. The hurricane let loose, and my eyes were flooding as I angrily recounted the day to her. She listened patiently, but I could tell it was hurting her that I was so upset. I talked for what seemed like hours, and she just waited. Waited until she was sure I had finished speaking, and then just pulled me into a hug and said, “It’s going to be okay.”

I believe my looping added a lot more depth. It feels way more meaningful now because it added a lot more emotion. I already looped all the sentences that I think I can loop, but I would appreciate feedback on others I can loop.

"Sorry! I said,"" It's okay, auditions are about making mistakes and trying your best! Said the teacher.” I still felt really bad because I messed up. I did it better when we tried again but knew I was not good at marching.

Looping:

1. "Sorry! I said, as my face turned red from emmbarresment,"" It's okay, auditions are about making mistakes and trying your best! Said the teacher.” I still felt really embarrassed because I messed up. 2. “Uhhhhh why can’t I just do that step correctly i'm never going to get in now, I said as I lectured my self quietly in my head.” 3. I thought of the steps in my head, “1,2,3,4 turn no 1,2,3,4,5,6 turn no that not it what is it! I angrily thought.” I did it better when we tried again but knew I was not good at marching.

Reflection:

I feel like the coping added more detail and made that moment in the story become more alive and easier to imagine. I feel like there are more places in my story where I can add looping and make it more detailed and clear.

looped sentence: I sat down and could not stop crying because I saw my mom struggling with the robber. I wish I could just help her at that time.

I was able to add more emotion because I described how I was feeling at that time.

so I added they were curling with barrels. It was so glassy and the waves were fantastic.

so my full thing is "We got there and the waves were firing, they were curling with barrels. It was so glassy and the waves were fantastic

my brain froze and my breath was backed up into my throat.

revised:

 my brain froze and my breath was backed up into my throat. I wanted to cry as hard as I could, but some weird  force held me back from doing it. Other people were chatting and it seemed as though they were all having a good time, but for me it was different , I was terrified.

reflection:

I really like how much more detailed this is. But, I did find it a little hard figuring out what to type.

Revised: I was playing in a stadium and we were on and the other team scored and my team looked down like we were losing by alot.

Reflection: I think I did better on the revised part because I added more detail and emotion.

Looped Sentence: It was a long journey from the back of the cafeteria to the front, I saw it as a walkway of shame. My eyes were locked in with one of my friends, and as I looked around the room the nervousness weighed me down a whole lot. I was struggling to maintain my focus on the speech I was about to say in front of all these students and teachers.

Reflection: I was able to make this single sentence more descriptive and detailed. I have a lot of other places in my personal narrative where I could use the looping method.

I felt that looping this sentence would help add detail and feeling

revised: As the ride slowed down to a stop, I got scared. People walked out of their cage and new people got in. I was taking silent deep breaths. Now it was our turn to get in the cage. The rides, the people talking suddenly got quiet as I walked toward the cage. my Heart started pounding and my started face sweating.

L1 (Physical):

Struggling to keep my head above water from exhaustion I swung one arm after the other over my head and started grabbing the water with my strokes to pull myself to shore. Each stroke was extremely tiring, my arms felt like noodles.

L2(Emotions/thoughts): It was brutal getting there, my heart was thumping and racing but I was determined to make it to shore in these harsh conditions.

L3 (expand scenery/imagery): Ahead of me all I could see was the white sand and dozens of people minding their own business with no idea what I had just been through.

L1 (Phsical):

I went over to my mom and dad's room because mom said you could see it very well from here, so I came to her room. I saw dad trying to wave me out into the street with his left hand and I asked myself if it's worth risking my life to save people I don't know except from celebrations and party's.

L2 (Emotions/thoughts):

I came with him to the fire and worry when I see dad carrying a person out of the house, I asked him very loudly in a worried voice, "Are you okay?!" I said this at around the same time when I realized the hug e gash and injury on his arm. He said, "Yeah, I'm fine", and was trying to hide the pain he feels, but is failing.

L3 (Imagery):

After he asked, "Could you help me carry these people out of the houses?" I hesitate and then say thinking about the people's lives "Yes I would love too." The fire looks like lava that's dripping out of a volcano that is about to explode or leak everywhere. I finally carry some people into EMC beds and then I see dad just standing out in the street. I yell at him and say, "Look out!!" He didn't move he just started at me like I was speaking a different language. He yelled back

"What?" I say, "There's a fire truck that's about to hit you, look out!!" I'm screaming at him at the top of my lungs.

Looped: I pulled out the audition script, my hands shaking. The crumpled half sheet of paper was my only hope. “Come on Selena,” I thought to myself “Why wouldn’t you have practiced this part, of course, I ended up having to speak for the one thing I didn’t practice!” I looked over at Ellie who had the same worried expression on her face as me, our teachers sat in their chairs waiting for Ellie to start speaking, they had serious looks on their faces.

Reflection: I do think that the looping did give it more depth because I was able to not only describe what I was feeling, but what I was thinking, and seeing. I think that because of the inner thoughts I added in, what I saw, and the show-not-telling of how I was feeling made the moment I learned that I had to read the part that I didn't study. I think that I can add looping to a few of my reactions, and to a few parts in my middle.

Looped Sentence: I woke up in the dead of night, drenched in a cold sweat, my breath coming in fast, shallow gasps. It felt as though I had been lost in a deep slumber for an eternity, yet only four hours had slipped by. The next morning, I found myself engulfed in a storm of emotions—moody, upset, and tinged with a hint of anxiety. These feelings cast a dark shadow over my day, leaving me feeling drained, unwell, and with a throbbing headache.

Reflection: My looping added more drama and imagery to the text and it makes it more meaningful because it describes really how I was feeling mostly at that moment. I feel like maybe in the beginning my story could use more looping.

 The next morning I thought about the night before. Had that really happened? Did I dream that? But I knew that it had happened.

L1: Thoughts/feelings.

It was a nice cool Wednesday morning. I woke up and looked around. I did not want to get up. My head belonged to the soft pillow. But then I remembered the round-offs I did the night before, and how they changed everything for me.

L2: Physical

I flung the sheets off of my bed and jumped onto the ground. I played music and did multiple stretches. I did all 3 splits, 80 crutches, leg lifts and wall handstands. I was ready for this.

L3: Imagery

I could feel a cool breeze blowing in through my window. My cat meowed at me, indicating he wanted to be fed. I rolled over and pet him. I looked around my room. The leotard that I had hung on my closet was there, as was my sports poster. That is when I remembered the night before, and the disco party that my head had had. I remembered the creaking of the uneven bars as they seemed to say help ussss. I remembered the mats thumping on the ground, making me jump. I remembered my coach telling me I could try a RB on Thursday. I remembered the dance party that I had had in my head. It was then when I got up out of bed and had an actual dance party. I vowed to myself that I would practice really hard so I would be able to do a RB on Thursday.

I felt that this part of the paragraph needed more. Before this it had been dull and boring and pretty short.

I stopped my trek up the stairs and yelled back “FINE!” My dad knew exactly why I was mad he was the one who told me. My eyes burned I finally got up the stairs, the hallway looked longer the doors looked smaller, and I felt a tear run down my face, I approached the door it was small so small it felt like I couldn't fit through it, on the other side of the door was my best friend the one that was there when I was born the one that loved me the one I loved and I would have to say goodbye soon she was leaving and I would not accept it, I couldn’t who could it was overwhelming to think about the stress every day I would endure, it was a horrible thought, I hated everything around me. I hated everything, they expected me to be fine, they expected me to be okay, how could they expect all of this to be easy?

L1: I slipped off the rock, and at that instant, I tried to grab the same rock my foot was on but I couldn't, I felt scared and terrified of what was happening and thought to myself "Oh NO, what's gonna happen next".

L2: My foot slipped off on the rock I was standing on, so I tried to grab it but it was too late. While I was falling I curled up into a ball and thought to myself "Oh NO, what's gonna happen next" so I clinched my fists and was ready for impact.

L3: As my foot slipped off of the rock I was standing on, I looked down and started to panic, I tried to grab the same rock but I couldn't. As I was falling I felt the wind pushing against my back and I thought to myself "OH NO, What's going to happen next".

Reflection: I think looping my sentence added a lot more depth and detail as well as making it sound way better. Looping this sentence makes it sound like you are there at the moment and you can kinda picture what is happening by just the words. I think another place I can loop in my incidents, responses, and my hook/Lead. Looping really helps me make the story way more vivid and imaginable for someone just reading the story. It also makes my story sound better and less like a draft.

'The doors opened after they touched her as a safety mechanism, and my mom quickly reassured me that everything was okay, saying things like; “She’s okay.” and “Nana isn’t hurt.”.'

looped sentence:

'After the doors made contact with her, they opened as a safety mechanism, she walked out unscathed and my mom helped her out of the elevator so the door wouldn’t shut on her again. I was very fearful for my grandma's safety and was scared the doors hurt her. My heart was beating fast and my brain filled with a million different thoughts and outcomes of that situation. My mom reassured me that everything was okay and she wasn’t hurt by the elevator doors closing on her, saying things like; “She’s okay.” and “Nana isn’t hurt.”.'

I feel like looping did add more details that my story needed, it feels like it was slowed down and much better. I think my reflection or introduction could use looping.

Looped sentence - I could feel my eyes start to shut and felt like I was Lightheaded or feeling faint.

Reflection - I felt like the looping helped me put a more dramatic feeling into the sentence and helped me think/add more details into the sentence.

L1: I was waiting nervously in the car very impatiently as I sat and talked to my friend who was next to me we talked about what we thought my new puppy was going to be like, as we sat there nervous hoping we would make it in time before the owners called it off for it being too late at night.

L2: We all raced to the car as my mom's friend who was driving, sped to get to our new puppies before it was too late for us. We all fidgeted in the car till we got there.

L3: As I sat in the car minutes away from getting my new puppy I thought about what tricks I was going to teach her as I sat there impatiently eager to get out of the car.

Reflection: I think that looping my sentences was good since it added depth and detail and my thoughts and feelings more than my original sentence, and it also made my story sound less like a draft and more like a story.

After some time searching, my mom spotted the 4runner.

Looped sentence:

We were all looking outside, my dad looking forward, my mom looking to the right, and I was looking to the left. My little sister was looking outside because it was raining, she loves to look at the raindrops sliding down the window, and so do I. We were still trying to find the 4runner, and my mom spotted it. My heart was beating faster than I could ever imagine, filled with excitement, I'm getting a new pet.

Reflection:

Yes, the looping did add more depth, it is way more meaningful than my previous sentence. I could use looping when there's an important part in my narrative, that I didn't put much detail into, and use looping to add more detail.

Revised :I was feeling excited to skate. Heat began to radiate in my bottom making a waterfall of sweat pour from my armpits. It was my moment to be brave and show the older kids that I was worth being on the park too. The bottom of the ramp quickly seem to feel 1,000 miles down like a canyon.

Experience: I do think the loop added depth. Yes the moment does feel more vivid and meaningful. I feel like I could use looking during the 3rd incident in my story when I was in the hospital

Response: On my arm there was a bump on my arm.

This incident effects me because it is what my entire essay is based off of. It tell you the exact moment I broke my arm. The response tells how the arm appeared. I could add more detail about how much shock I was in and describe my pain.

Looking back to that summer two years ago, I have grown. Breaking my arm changed me. I find myself to be more cautious, but not less adventurous. 

I think the ending does show how the incident effected me. I think it does tie back to the incident because it mentions the pain that I was in and the healing I had to go through. I do think my ending needs improvement on being more smooth.

revised into: there were chairs with bodies filling them all up around one court where all eyes are on you

Response 2# telling me I have to sit out for the rest of the day

looping:  I felt like I let down my brother who came from Whashton State and my mom, dad, and even my sister who plays an older and harder level at volleyball tha

looped, The journey to Hawaii was really long, I sat in my seat for what felt like forever, my legs getting stiff and my neck hurting from looking out the window. Time seemed to crawl, just like the big ocean we were flying over. I was super excited but also worried. What if Hawaii wasn’t as amazing as I imagined? It felt like waiting for a surprise that might not happen. Outside, the sun was setting, painting the sky with bright oranges and pinks. It reminded me of a butterfly slowly coming out of its cocoon. I knew that something beautiful was waiting for me if I could just be patient a little longer.

looped sentence: ''after a few days of taking antibiotics I started having sharp pains on the left side of my chest and stomach area. it was so sore that I don't want to move and I cried in pain.''

I looped it so I can add more detail about how I actually felt.

Looped sentence: BOOM! I fell onto the ground at full power hitting the ground hard. I sat there for a while trying to figure out if I wanted to ride again. I felt unfortunate because just falling made me nervous not knowing if I would ever ride again because of my fear. But only 10-15 minutes later. I GOT UP. I was riding very slowly for a while because I was in a lot of pain still. My inner thoughts were just sad and nervous. I was in a big area with another girl and she slapped my horse and I wasn't ready so I went flying off the side of the horse. It wasn't my worst fall because it was softer ground.

Reflection: Yes my original sentence then my Looped sentence added a lot more to it more actions and more interesting. No the moment doesn't feel meaningful because my story is about falling and in the beginning, I said BOOM!!!. I could and mostly will use looping more through the story just because I want it to be fun to read and not boring.

Revised sentence: I was very thankful to be alive because I could have been squashed into a human pancake with ketchup and doggy mush on the side if that man hadn’t seen me. I also wasn’t fond of being yelled at even though it wasn’t my fault that my dog ran into the streets. At least he subtly apologized though. I also wasn’t very fond of being scolded by my parents for trying to save my dog’s life and then in return he decided to pee on my neck, this sounds very fitting for someone who almost risked his life to save his dog. I got to smell like dog pee, get scolded by my parents, sent inside never to ride my bike for the rest of the day, and take a shower. Does that seem fitting to you? Well, to be honest even though my parents would rather the dog die than me die (💀) I’m still happy that my dog survived.

Looped: He loved me the most out of all his grandchildren, because I'm the oldest one and was the only girl. Since birth, I lived with my grandparents, that’s how my bond with my grandpa grew. When I was little I always helped him plant flowers and vegetables in our garden, he really enjoyed gardening. On rainy days we would spend hours playing with toys, and board games. Looking back at this now I realized how much impact he caused in my life.

How I felt about the looping: I improvised that part a lot, it sounds much more different and detailed. I love that it explains more about how different my life would be without him.

Revised: UGH, that sharp pain hitting my stomach makes it too hard to just focus on what is happening. I walk off to the said and say a prayer hoping god can be with me to help me through this. I take a big deep breath in and then out. I walk up there and I give it my all.

Reflection: I think I did much better on my revised version because it has a lot of feeling, making it feel real and lots of emotions and more of the real-life not just boring.

1: fear of messing up in front of lots of people watching me and little kids watching me.

2: my stomach was really bad because of how much I was thinking and worrying about it.

My response to number #1 was just thinking that even if I do mess up it's a practice and that's why we are doing it and also think that everyone messes up and no one is perfect.

My response to number #2 was also just taking deep breaths and knowing that I was not sick it was just in my head and making me very worried.

Old: I learned that faking till you make it isn't always the best but you need to be confident and look confident even if you're not because no matter what confidence is key. 

New: Volleyball taught me the value of teamwork and selflessness. It shaped me into a more considerate and team-oriented individual. I gained a deep understanding of every team member's contribution and the collective effort required for success. Always remember to have fun, give your best effort, and be a team player because in a team, everyone's contribution matters. There's no “I” in team and I am so glad that I learned and experienced this for myself!

New: We were in the gym, waiting for practice to start. It was 6:30, so we had some time before practice began. Taze and I went to set up the net. Then, the head coach called us into a little circle. We ran 2 laps, did some dynamic warm-up exercises, and then got into our courts.

Looping: After that, our coach shouted, “You guys are the middle court, you should be passing better than the first court right now, but even they are passing better than you.” I felt like a billion needles pierced my whole body, and it felt like I should have stopped playing volleyball right then and there. But I didn't want to give up because I knew volleyball was my sport. So we passed and passed until my arm gave out, but the good thing was our passing was so much better than before. I was so glad I didn't just give up.

1/ i found out i was moving to Hawaii.

2/ I was missing North Carolina.

3/ i started to like Hawaii.

But then when I started to tell my momma how bad I wanted it she was slowly thinking about letting me get this certain blanket. I started to tell her that I would do extra chores or anything at all and finally, she let me get it.

New: I started explaining to my momma how badly I wanted this and even told her I would do extra chores to pay it off. I was honestly just standing there feeling like she was going to say no. But when I saw her face change to a happy face it felt like everything around me had stopped and the adrenaline was kicking. She let me get it and I was the happiest person in the Goodwill.

Old Reflection: This blanket is like my everything. Since this blanket has gotten me through a lot of tough times it also helped me realize a lot about life which has made me a better person today. I am so happy that I got this blanket.

New Reflection: This blanket means a lot to me. It makes me feel warm and sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night I get super happy cause I know that I have my blanket. I feel that my blanket is like magic, it makes me feel so happy even just touching. My blanket fills me with adrenaline, and during the day when I am tired of life, I think of going into my bed and just snuggling with my blanket.

Have you ever faced a fear? If you have, how did it feel to overcome it? The time I faced a fear was when I was going to go surf V-land with my dad. We put the boards in the car and were on our way to V-land.

My lead made more detailed :

I paddled back out there and my dad was cheering “Yay that was a good one, good job!”. I was smiling so much that my face hurt but I did not stop smiling. The next wave came and I and I started to paddle for it and I fell and ate it. My board flew up and my dad saw it and cringed . I was underwater and I was getting tossed around.I was under the water for 5 seconds and that’s a lot for being tossed around underwater because you are struggling to get up to take a breath and using up all your energy and air. When I get up I take a big breath and I get my board and paddle out still catching my breath. My dad saw me and started laughing because that's what he does when I fall. But I was ok with it.

How do i feel about my new lead:

I feel more confident in my lead and I think that it will get the readers attention.

Response: I got very upset and started feeling very hurt since she did not tell me.

Incident 2: I started thinking about her passing away.

Response: I had a panic attack and I started worrying since I don't know what I would have done without her.

Incident 3: My grandma was in her room and I had to talk to her.

Response: I pulled myself together and pretended I didn't know what was wrong