But today, I spent a lot of time catching up with Lovely, who surprisingly shares my sentiments. After long hours of pouring our hearts out came up with this vow: "Find something to look forward to". It doesn't have to be big, fulfilling, or life-turning- just something to get you by the day and put excitement in your heart.

A cutie, for example, who happened to be on the same bus as Lovely that night, was enough to make her travel home different from all other bus rides. It was something that made her way home a little more exciting and unusual.

So... wake up and find something to look forward to, something to make you a little more alive.

(written on October 07, 2024, Sourdough Cafe)

I hate myself for always pushing people away. I hate how I crave seclusion and then get jealous of friends making new friends. I want to be included but my body language and countenance say otherwise. My facade of indifference intimidates people away- or so what I make myself believe because the thought that people just don't really care stings more.

If there's a friendship for life that would be my irrefutable chemistry with solitude disguised in headphones on with loud music to drown out the outside noise.

(January 29, 2025, Taouyan, Taiwan)

Okay, I say more. Being the assertive person that I am, it's a challenge to be with a worrier who needs constant reassurance. (OK, before you hate on me, in my defense, I don't want anyone to suffer from my apparent indifference). How can I constantly remind and comfort an anxious partner when I even lie to myself into thinking that que sera sera every time I am troubled? Is "it's going to be okay" cliche enough to pacify the turmoil within him? How long will my patience last until I say "why sad? don't sad? give up!" Besides, I also have some bouts of anxiety in unexpected times. Is it too much to ask for someone who's not only calm but can also be my calm?

O a human power bank

My friend witnessed with her own eyes how I quickly shut down mid-conversation during a dinner gathering. I have always been aware of my tendency to shut myself inside my made-up world whenever the crowd gets too overwhelming. I will just find myself drifting off many times in a single conversation. I never intend to isolate myself forever and with the nature of my life and work, meetings are inevitable. So I need someone whose energy is so high that he can share some with me; someone whose under-the-table touch is enough to reassure me he's with me and able to bring me back to reality. And most of all, someone who wouldn't mind recharging me all the time.

O a mystery to the world; candid to his own

I would tag this one as non-negotiable. The world doesn't have to know everything, right? Let it wonder and think, deprived of the secrets we keep to ourselves. But with me? Flutter me with blunt compliments, surprise me with loud thoughts, bother me with your endless stories, bore me with the mundane, even trample my ego with your honest truths. I don't care, just be candid as you can with me. Don't make me guess about what you feel- that's the people outside our world's job.

○ an answer to all my prayers

March 3, 2025, 4 years after my first and only heartbreak, I thought I already buried the unanswered questions underneath but it turns out I'm the one 6 feet under my hill of regrets and what ifs. An uncalled for relapse and I'm down to my own pit once again. So it made me realize- if I'm ever going to meet the one for me, I want to feel as if he's the answer I will never find in myself, in him, or in the past we had, the best I could have. When I meet him, I want to be able to say 'oh, that's why'. Or I would thank the heavens for making me wait, for making me doubt, because after all, he's worth it. He's worth the pain I had before, worth all the questions that lingered in darkness because there he is now- not needing to be fought for because he just comes so easily.

○ I'm special to him

(started writing on February 20, 2025... to be continued)

believe me, I can't even myself.

All I ask is that you hold me tight

on nights I have to fight

thoughts I can't figure out.

I don't ask you to make me whole

I will only leak into a bloody pool

I've shattered too many a piece

Too sharp for you to keep

Just gather me into one place

I'll figure it out myself.

Don't leave me on nights like this

I'm not asking for peace,

Just a peg to hold my caprice.

We held on,
Fighting until we were nothing but sticks and bones,
Bleeding out,
Until there was nothing left to bleed.
We thought holding on was the bravest,
As if love meant enduring until the very end.
But no—
Life taught us that true strength lies in letting go.
The deepest act of love wasn’t holding on until we broke,
But releasing each other,
Because love wasn’t meant to destroy us.

I had to let go,
To love you from afar.
I didn’t want to keep choosing you,
Only to one day regret it.
I wanted to preserve this love,
The most beautiful thing I ever had,
Even if it meant losing you.

****

No other story has broken me as much as Rain in Summer. It feels like I just experienced another heartbreak- even cried for it the whole day. But this is how I turned my tears into words.

His voice came through the line, louder than usual, but just as casual. Those words fell from his lips as if he weren’t aware of the silence that had stretched for far longer than I’d said a word. Am I still here? Physically, yes. But I know this silence has been building, not just in this moment, but for days, weeks, maybe even months. My mind had already given up on responding to his needy calls long before—tired of listening to stories I’m not even a part of. I’ve always been just that: an outlet when his life gets too boring.

But my heart? It feels differently. It’s grown too accustomed to the sidelines, comfortable in its place in his convenience. It only knows life when it’s crisping on the backburner, always waiting for him to call, for him to notice. The screen with his name blinking, waiting for my answer, has become a bookmark for another episode of crashing hopes. But my heart doesn’t learn. It still answers. Still breaks down the walls I’ve built around it, waiting for a call that never comes soon enough.

“Yeah,” my voice sounds dull, “I’m here.” Three words, carrying so many meanings he’ll never understand—and I doubt he ever will.

“Cool. So, like I was saying...” His voice bounces off the walls of my mind, a sound I’ve heard too many times before. It’s the same story, always the same, and never once do I hear it in a version where I matter. His words are just noise—storms I’m too tired to try and weather.

But this time... this time, his words hit differently. They land like a sharp pang in my chest, one I’ve been ignoring for so long. As if a veil lifted, and I finally see the truth behind them. It’s clear now: I don’t care how you feel. Give me your attention, but don’t expect anything in return.

His words slowly faded into silence, as if he finally sensed the weight of my indifference. After a long pause, with a tone laced in hesitation, he spoke again, "By the way, how have you been?"

I had already prepared for this—this same question, asked a thousand times in my head, rehearsed a thousand times. I knew exactly how to answer to keep him engaged, to keep him interested in the conversation, but this time, the words felt heavier. This time, I couldn’t pretend.

With a voice that wavered more than I cared to admit, I said, "I wasn't doing good at all. Your sudden reappearance in my life has only underlined the void left by your absence, and it does me no good."

For so long, I had locked these words away, afraid of what would happen if I let them out. If this had been yesterday, or last week, or last month, when his calls were the rhythm of my days, I would have filled the silence with every little detail of my life. But not anymore.

I thought I had been prepared for this moment. But the truth was, I wasn’t.

"So now," I said, my voice steadier than I felt, "I’ll learn to live without depending on your presence in my life." The finality in my tone left no room for hesitation, no room for him to change my mind. I couldn’t let him anymore. Not like this.

My fingers trembled as I lowered the phone from my ear, a cold wave of finality washing over me. I ended the call with one swift motion, staring at the screen, watching the time pass by in slow-motion. One... two... nothing. Not a single word from him.

And just like that, the silence settled in. The weight of the decision pressed down harder than I could have imagined. I hadn’t expected him to call again, but that knowing—the certainty—felt like a stone lodged in my chest. It was heavy. Almost suffocating.

But it’s done. The waiting is over.

I won’t wait for a call that will never come. I won’t keep holding my breath for something that’s never going to materialize.

Still, my mind couldn’t let go of that tiny, fragile hope. Couldn’t completely dismiss the longing that lingered—just as it had all those years. But this time, I wasn’t going to entertain it.

So, I let the silence remain.

Her singing was almost muted but it has awaken me in ways I longed for. To me, it was the Lord calling me not only from my sleep but also from my spiritual slumber. It was a gentle voice, a whisper, despite the storms in my sleeping mind.

A little more each day... a prayer has risen in my heart- a prayer so real that I almost felt my heart beating again... for the Lord.

For the longest time, I have been slumbering. My heart beats but for things other than the Lord. I have grown numb to Him. One... two... three... too many things to count have gradually crept into my being and occupied His place in me. And I've allowed these to remain, even enjoyed their company.

I've prayed before. Asking Him to remove these things from me and bring me back to the joy of my salvation- to the love of my bridal days. I've been stuck here for so long and I've thought of many possible ways to be rescued out of this pit- one of which is the Lord's heavy hand on me.

But I was wrong. He doesn't appear in lightning and thunder anymore, nor in tragedies, at least for me. For He appeared to me today with a gentle voice- whispering to me to awaken me. His call was soft but steady I was willing to follow immediately.

I continued with my prayer, not with beating of the heart, at first, but with singing. I replied also with a gentle singing because this is all I could utter for now. I have no words of my own so I sang the lyrics of the hymn and they became mine for a while.

It was a moment of weakness and surrender. I have been prayerless for a long time- no words I could utter only groanings. But this time, though not my own, words spilled off my lips in harmony. And for the first time in weeks, I was touched by Him.

I will not think when will this happen again nor if this is even real. I will just take what the Lord gives and hopefully cooperate whole day long. With the little strength and hope He gave me this morning, I know He is by my side. I may have believed that He has put me aside for a while, but I will never think again that He has abandoned me.

He is always here, in the Bible or in a gentle singing. I just have to listen.

Gaano pa man nakakapanariwa ang mga patak ng ulan sa isang mainit na katanghalian, hindi rin ito magtatagal dahil binigay lamang ito para sa panandaliang kaginhawaan.

Ito siguro ang paraan ng mga kalangitan na pahalagahan natin ang ulan. Kapag matirik ang araw, dun lang tayo kumikilala ng utang na loob sa pag-luha nya.

Katulad mo, na dumating sa akin sa hindi inaasahang panahon, ngunit hindi nagtagal ay kumawala rin. Dahil gaya ng ulan, hindi ka nilaang manatili sa akin.

Sa maikling panahon, binigyan mo ako ng kaginhawaan- isang pahinga sa nakapapasong siklab ng buhay. Ikaw ang hinahanap sa panahong nagiging malupit na ang araw. Ikaw ang nagpapalamig sa mainit na kapaligiran.

Pero mahaba pa ang araw. Malaon pa ang panahon. At kagaya nga ng sabi ko, hindi maaaring manatili ang ulan sa tag-araw.

Lumisan ka rin kalaunan- nagkubli sa mga kalangitan kung saan ka nabibilang at naghintay ng panahon kung kailan maari mo nang ibuhos ang iyong sarili nang walang pag-aalinlangan. Ngunit ito rin ang panahon ng aking pag-lisan.

Ito naman ang panahon ng aking pagkubli. At kahit gaano pa man natin subukan, hindi natin matatalo ang batas ng kalikasan. Ano bang laban natin sa sansinukob kung ito na mismo ang sumasalungat sa ating pagbubuklod?

Magtatagpo rin tayo sa panahon mo- ngunit tulad mo, hindi rin ako maaaring manatili. Ngunit nawa sa pagkakataong masilayan kitang muli, matanggap ko nang hindi ako para sayo at ikaw ay hindi para sa akin. Nawa'y maintindihan ko na kinailangan lang natin ang isa't isa sa panandaliang panahon.

Salamat sa dulot mong ginhawa sa buhay ko. Hinahanap hanap pa rin kita tuwing nagiging mahigpit muli ang buhay, pero alam ko, isang araw, matatanggap ko na kung para saan ba talaga ang araw. At hindi yun sa iyo.

For quite some time, I’ve been writing about life—my life—along with prompts, musings, and more. But until now, most of it has been kept private. Today, I’m deciding to open up and share a little glimpse of my world with the few who will see this padlet. It feels nice to let you in.

I’m not sure how to introduce this collection, though. It’s a mix of the storms that swirl in my head—chaos and tranquility in equal parts. Some pieces are fiction, but most are real. I hope you enjoy discovering what lies beyond my CV. Think of this as a small window into the universe of my mind—countless galaxies, each waiting to be explored. This is my metacognition.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and insights. Please leave a comment, share anything that resonates with you. I’d love to venture into your world as well.

So remember when you want to drop your service. It's because there's something wrong with your relationship with Him.

I just finished listening to Time First, a podcast by SB19, and honestly I thought it would make me feel lots of emotions. But now I only feel a hollow in my heart.

A question lingers... with the little time I have, do I make the most of it or be more warry living it?

At 26 I haven't achieved anything yet. I'm supposed to be busy with the service I have but my mind lingers in the now and how I will enjoy it without realizing I'm losing so much time and opportunity.

For them, to rest is a sin. As if they haven't achieved anything yet. But me? I have fallen deep into indolence and only want to relax.

I would take time explaining in depths but let me write out my thoughts first...

One more realization, which is not new by the way, is how I tend to push people away. While they have a quiet fear of losing one another in the process of growing, I, on the other hand, would rather turn a new page with unfamiliar people and outgrow the ones I have now. It's no news that I don't have much people to call now. Because everytime I step into a new milestone, I leave them in the process. Is it good? I enjoy it, yes. But is it worth it? I'm not even sure.

I've never been this active in any gdm before- and I'm surprisingly enjoying the spotlight sometimes. Maybe because it goes with the fact that they don't know anything about the real me. If it were reality, I would have muted off the group and went on with my solitude. But this time I made friends. And I'm tempted to show up. But I can't.

Is it because of the nature of my work? Yes. Well, at least I thought.

But now I'm realizing that it's because I'm scared to let them in. No, I'm not scared to let them in. I'm scared that they'll just be temporary and will not remain with me for a long time.

NOTE TO SELF: PLEASE SPEND TIME EDITING THESE~

At first listen, I think the tracks are superior to other albums from different artists but still cannot surpass their previous ones. I thought the first two EPs are top tier and this one tried, as opposed to what they always say, to reach the greater mass. Melody and production-wise, the public would bite into the bait. But as someone who fell for their authenticity and lyricism, I felt like the album fell short. They took a turn in seeking songs that would fit their EP rather than creating them- it it shown in how many producers and lyricists are involved in the whole output. So, it gives off excellent vibes but somehow lost its original taste and sound for me.

Their previous EP, Pagtatag_, the era I was born into, spoke volumes about their personal experience. Ilaw, for example, would pinch my heart every time I give it a listen, not because I have my share of experience as the message, but it bleeds for them knowing what they had to pass through. This is what I though the new EP lacks- their experience speaking to me.

However, after much listening and a sit down with the EP, I realized what this truly means. This one doesn't speak to me but speaks for me. Every time I listen to each track, I wouldn't see the group but I would see myself in every word. I would see myself rotting in bed, almost quitting every single day. I would see myself wanting to try, at the same time, pressured by time, knowing it won't wait for me.

So, after much consideration, this EP is different. It's no longer just about them but about every person who have or have not listened to it. Try listening to it sequentially, it would take you on a rollercoaster ride- just as how life really is. Full of complications, uncertainties. One day you're jumping, next day you're rotting. It shows the complications not only of man but of human life itself.

But it proves that the beauty of life lies in its chaos. There's no changing the system of life, but whether we live or die alive depends on how we see it. I see my personal life as chaotic and complicated, but still I would have it no other way. There's beauty in it. And this is life should be.

It's my first time 😭

Time is ticking...

It's running...

And it will never wait until you catch up.

It will never look back to see how you're doing.

It will always run its course, nonstop, mercilessly.

The whole universe works in the concept of time. Whether the sun rises or sets depends on its appointed time. There's nothing unchanging in this world as time.

And for someone who can't catch up, it's cruel. An unseen adversary. One whose fangs aren't sharp but bite hard enough to stop you from trying.

Even when time runs for everyone, to some it halts. As if the clock has stopped ticking. As in a movie scene where a protagonist stops midway while everyone is bustling and running around. Even when you're tired, it will keep on running. It doesn't care. Doesn't wait. Your world might stop spinning but time still goes around. Then you start thinking how much you've wasted. How many opportunities were thrown at the window while you're rotting in bed. How everybody moved on but you're still stuck in the same page. "I was ahead of the curve, the curve bacame a sphere." You're stuck to the time when you're achieving, growing and learning thinking there's future in the past. So you think that it's too late to try again.

But you know one thing about time? No matter how fast it goes, it's always there. You run out of time but you will always have time to try again. To do things all over again. To restart.

What if you're 26 now and still have nothing? You have the whole lifetime to achieve something. Does life end at 30? No. It's just a societal expectation and pressure. Time has never really been an enemy. It's a friend. It may outrun you but it will always be there for you.

I swear I was fine just a minute ago working slash scrolling while eating my siomai. I don't know why the sudden urge to cry, but one thing's for sure- my ate knows what she wants!

And what's the problem with that? NOTHING! The problem's with me because I don't know what I want when everyone around me knows what they're up to in their life.

She just sent me a success story on setting up an art shop, which my sister also dreams of. It was simple, it has no intention to belittle me yet it is what my head exactly did.

After a year of contemplation and prayer, I finally left my service.

It didn't feel like release or freedom. Rather, it felt like going into a cage myself. It's like imprisoning myself to a lifelong responsibility and uncertainty.

Anxieties started creeping in and it felt strange because all I have known was security. Thus, I can't help but question my life's hardest decision yet. It should feel liberating... but why do I feel like I'm stuck in a whirlpool?

I'm currently in a break from job hunting. I haven't submitted a thousand resumes yet, but I can already feel my foundations crumbling. Not long after I sent one resume, I already received a rejection email.

I know I just have to be consistent, one day I'll get an interview. But I know deep within me it's not really about the job.

It's about everything. My life. My being 27. My place. All that I am right now are far from what I envisioned myself to be.

With not even a penny to my name, I can't help but overthink. I have a plan to study in Taiwan, but what about after?

My ate is only here for a vacation, my mom will soon fly back to Mexico. I will be left alone here. For how long? All my life? Until I figured it out?

Being single and old is not fun... especially when I'm just starting to figure out life.

And with all the war happening around... why of all times? When I just stepped a foot into the real world?

I'm anxious. Hopeless.

Where do I even start???

Since moving back, I have been sending resumes left and right. It was two weeks of rejection and snub. And I can say I have never felt so dejected until the application process.

There were positions and companies I eyed-good pay, relevant to my experience. However, I have always 'not met the required qualifications'. But there was one opening I have sent my CV mindlessly, out of desperation. I don't remember reading the job description, even applying for a position that pays 20k.

But it was this small company that replied to me, and today I can say that has seen potential in me through my CV.

Immediately after confirming a reply, I was scheduled to an initial interview, then to a pre-training which lasted 4 days. After, I got an interview with a client, which eventually didn't choose me. But I was endorsed to another client then suddenly I got a job.

Throughout the entire process, I went through a rollercoaster ride of emotions and even now it hasn't sunk in yet.

It's safe to say that my first ever official job is a short-term rental VA under Nimble Nurtures.

Now, I'm locked in for growth and experience. I'm committed to learn from this and acquire new skills. I will keep on upskilling.

Thank You, Lord!

Can't help but think about you...

How long has it been?

5 years?

Isn't that

too long to move on?

They say loneliness gives life depth...

But how deep exactly should I be buried?

Until it becomes inescapable?

Until it's the feeling I will ever know?

Grief is weird...

and time doesn't really heal.

It just helps you scatter the pain

Not really diminish it.

I'm the fool to actually believe this, to crave for this, to want to be returned to.

Now this sounds not just nothing.

It sounds like a polite lie.

One that is said to not to hurt you.

I hate it.

I hate hearing it now.

It makes me feel more alone.

Like I'm just a past time.

Like an after thought.

It makes me feel like the world around me is going on, while I'm here stuck in these empty little promises.