If there was a feeling so consuming enough to fill the emptiness I was in, it was the crippling fear of my inadequacy and life's uncertainty.

Upon deciding my course, I didn't know anymore what I wanted as the love I had for language & literature faded with no notice at all. When I resolved to pursue it, I knew to myself I can probably survive but not thrive.

Much has happened within the years that have passed. I can truthfully say that I am in a better place now... that I know myself better now.

If I were to be utterly honest, I can no longer see myself as an English teacher. I might not be pursuing masters and doctorate degree in language or literature. Still, one thing is for sure: I will teach. 

Perhaps, it was the totality of my long-standing interest in psychology (ChildDev was a factor), new-found appreciation for anthropology (thanks to MIP), and death-defying experiences with DepEd ALS teachers last summer that cleared a path for me. Having climbed mountains and crossed rivers to reach far-flung communities with people I just met, who have been in the profession for years and decade long, made my heart believe: I am meant for this.

I am meant to make a difference in the lives of the people I cross paths with, and teaching is one among the myriad of ways that can I make this a reality. 

Now, I am in my fourth year. I am far from having it all figured out. But, if there's one thing I am certain of in the seas of doubts and questions life has thrown me into, it would have to be this:

It is the totality of learning, unlearning, and relearning a myriad of deeply held values, practices, and principles that shape the whole person. It is an intentional journey of knowing one's self, building one's self, and extending one's self.

Have I allowed myself to be formed in my stay in Ateneo?

Yes.

Long before I stepped in the university, I have been seeking questions & answers about my identity, my purpose, my place in other people's lives, and my relationship with a Higher Being. I cannot believe that I then called myself a follower of Christ and I dreamt of becoming a missionary. Then, a crisis came, where all that I claimed and perceived myself to be was gone.

Amidst the loss and confusion I was in, I clung to a tad bit of hope that I can feel alive once again, and that the Divine will be in my story. When I was looking for a university, I was not really looking for the best Education program out there but a safe space where I can find and build myself once again.

Unlike others who walked mindlessly, I made sure to savor my experience in my ASF, NSTP, Philosophy, Ethics, Understanding the Self, and Theology classes. I'd silently barge in worship nights, especially in my 1st Year. Far greater than that, I knew that the universe favored me when it graced me with beautiful relationships, like in the person of Ate Ysa, who was like me—lost and lifeless yet then have found life in being there for others.

I may have not made it to the application process of being an Arrupe Volunteer, and I may have shed tears in front of Ma'am Darlene, but I stayed true to my vow between her and myself: I'll know and befriend my shadows, and I'll find my light. So, I did.

I may have not gone to far communities through various school orgs' initiatives, but I hold spaces for those within my reach. It was never in my deepest dreams and intentions to save people, but when I was healing myself, souls came to me. That's when I knew, I was slowly finding my light and embracing my shadows, and it helped others to do the same.

My 17 year-old self's sole reason behind choosing Ateneo over other topnotch Education programs in the city was the integrated formation in its curriculum. If there's something my current 21 year-old self is genuinely grateful for, it would have to be that—the choice of being here.