Nilla: Well you still came to get me huh?

Andrea: Shut up

Nilla: Why are you here again? You were here last night and this morning?

Andrea: Because I broke up with my boyfriend, well ex boyfriend if you must know.

Nilla: Do you wanna talk about it? 

Andrea: I just wanna lay in my warm, king size, comfortable bed. With my blue fuzzy blanket that keeps me warm in the winter.

Nilla: Well ok. But one question. Why did you come to me?

Andrea: I believe ice cream makes you happy when you’re sad. It makes all those bad feelings go away. It makes it seem like the problems you’re going through aren’t that big. It helps you when times are tough. 

Nilla: What tough times are you going through now??

Andrea: You’re gonna keep asking until I tell you aren’t you.

Nilla: Yes I am

Andrea: What if I put you back in the freezer? 

Nilla: You need me more than I need you. Remember?

Andrea: Anyway, it started the beginning of sophomore year. Chris and I started dating.

Nilla: How did that make you feel?

Andrea: Shut up bum.

Nilla: Alright alright.

Andrea: So we WERE the cutest thing ever. We went on walks. Most people think that's lame but it was always interesting for us. We raced down hills, and to the swing set. We used to see who could get higher on the swing so we could jump off.

Nilla: You guys are such kids.

Andrea: WERE

Nilla: Right

Andrea: So back to the story. We went roller skating even though I can’t skate to save my life. I would constantly fall and he would laugh until there were tears falling from his eyes.

Nilla: That would have been a sight to see. Wish I could have been there.

Me: Whatever. When he met my mom it was the weirdest thing ever. She actually liked him. Which is weird because she doesn’t like anyone that I talk to. When he came over to watch a movie my mother things went great. She talked to him like she knew him her whole life.

Nilla: Seems like your mom is a super nice person.

Me: Yea right! My mom is mean as all gets out.

Nilla: Or are you just bad?

Me: Shut your pie hole. Do you want me to finish the story or not?

Nilla: Yes if you must.

Me: So as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted…. After that everything was kinda perfect. My dad didn’t really like him but he has never liked anyone I’ve talked to. After about four months of going out he started to act differently.

Nilla: How so?

Me: He would accuse me of talking to other guys and not caring about him anymore.

Nilla: Was that true?

Andrea: No. I was happy as I could be. Not a care in the world.

Nilla: So what happened after that?

Me: After he started accusing me of cheating and other stuff I started to distance myself. I started to see major flaws in him that I’d never seen before. I let them go because everyone has their flaws. We started to hang out less and didn’t text as much. 

Nilla: Did he start to distance himself?

Me: No. If anything he started trying to get closer to. Trying to know what I was doing at all times. Always texting and calling at all times of the day and night. 

Nilla: He seems a little crazy.

Me: I know right. At the time I just thought he was trying to work on our relationship so that we could get back to where we were.

Nilla: Did you ever get to that place?

Me: No. 

Nilla: Why not?

Me: I was on instagram one day and I got a dm from this girl. I had never met nor talked to this girl in my life. She dm’d me and asked if I went out with Chris. I said yea and she said I have to tell you something.

Nilla: Oh Lord, what did she say?

Me: She said that her and Chris had been dating for a few weeks. Right around the time he started accusing me of cheating.

Nilla: The nerve of that jerk

Me: Right! So anyway she was very respectful about it. She wasn’t like you’re trying to steal and stuff like that. She informed me of the situation and we left it at that.

Nilla: How did you feel when she told you?

Me: I was absolutely devistated. I had never been in a situation like this before. In that moment I was done with boys all together. I had decided that I was gonna be alone by myself for the rest of my life. After I cussed him out, blocked him, and texted his older cousin ( who is a good friend of mine), I felt like 🤬. 

Nilla: How long did you feel like that?

Me: For a while. It took me forever to get over him .Sitting here eating and talking to you though has made me feel better.

Nilla: Glad I could help. 

Me: You Nilla, have made me feel alot better. Made me want to open up to people again. Remind me that even though times get tough and youwanna give up ice cream is always there for you.

If I really think about it, I don’t have any strong or outstanding beliefs. For the 6004 days I’ve spent on this planet, I have yet to discover and follow a philosophy, religion, or set of values that would guide and direct me everyday. 

I believe that I’m at the point of indecisiveness. Of course, every now and then we all have trouble making decisions, whether it’s choosing to take AP Chem your junior year or picking between Yanny or Laurel. However, during these teenage years it seems even more difficult to make up my mind. When I was younger, the elementary school days, I was always driven by curiosity. My family lived in a neighborhood with other kids my age and they were fine with me going out and playing all day, and I never hesitated to take advantage of that. I ‘d often stay out from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. I’d play with my friends and by myself, always learning something new. I’d also surround myself with kids older and smarter than me, because they’d always play games that I’d never heard of or listen to music I hadn’t heard of, or even introduce me to cultural norms that I never knew about(it was predominantly Korean families in the area). When I learned something, I’d accept it, then I’d move on. When I got my first bike, I watched how my friends rode theirs and just copied their actions. Simple as that. I never got carried away with useless information that’d slow me down. I never bothered to ask why they rode bikes instead of scooters, or why they couldn’t just walk. I never asked them what color bike should I get, I just rode with what I had, and that was the way I thought with and that was essentially my way of life. 

Going with the flow, rather than creating the current, was my comfort zone. Despite this child-like curiosity there were still a few things that I never challenged or questioned. God was one of them. My entire family are Pentecostal Christians. We didn’t go to church every sunday, and my parents didn’t talk about God with me everyday. Nevertheless I knew I was supposed to believe in God and that the entire religion could only stand on pillars known as faith. 

Over the years, though, I gained more knowledge, which acts as a blessing and at times a curse. 

I was around the age of 9 when I started to deny and “defy” God and his existence. I learned more stories in the bible and I couldn’t make any sense of them. How the 🤬 could you live in a whale? Since when could you break open rocks to get water(Exodus 17)? And how does the Burning Bush not die out?  I would bring these questions to my parents, and immediately get shut down. It seemed as if they had set up a trap: You don’t have to explain anything in the bible, just believe in it. I considered it a trap because I thought blind faith was stupid, and to face some type of eternal damnation for not following a God you have no evidence of seemed a little over the edge. Especially since mercy, forgiveness, and love are very common themes throughout the Holy book.

Hate to say it, but not much has changed in the past few years. Or at least I haven’t personally noticed much change in myself. Obviously I’ve gotten older, learned more, questioned more, but as of now I am just as if not more “lost” as I was when I was 9. Hopefully, though, as I age I will mature and “find myself” and what it is that I believe.