I kinda preached to the team about not being so quick to offer help to soothe the discomfort of a person’s apparent pain (or mine as the worker!) by offering instant help or going “let me help you”. I mean offering a practical help seems more meaningful than gawking at a crying grown woman. 

 

To some extent, the not discrediting a person’s agency and not being so quick to help still holds has its merits. Maybe the narrative that follows up has some flaws to be challenged; “when you receive help, you’re kinda like a passive recipient”. Is that necessarily THE better view (vs Firdhaus’ earnest “let me help you” persuasion), that every person in pain should jump up and take the rein of control in their lives. On hindsight, I can think of experiences where in my season of pain/ bitterness, I was left debilitated and paralysed, being so sucked in despair and self-pity to be able to make active steps to go forward. Help to think on my behalf when I was in such a state was welcome. 
 
 

Dear Shidah and Kamesah taught me that accepting something from them can be a way of honouring their hospitality, kindness, generosity, their wanting to give back. And if receiving is viewed only as being in a “lesser position”, it discredits all my giving to others because I’m therefore saying I’m superior and doing a one-up over others. 

 

I sat in a webinar on Saturday called, Education: An Equal Start? 

The keynote speaker, Charleen Chiong, was challenging the idea of meritocracy in our education system, where if we work hard enough, we’ll be able to make it. She challenged if that was really the case for low-income families, because it assumes equal starting points and access to resources. Interviewing 12 families over 72 sessions, she noted a theme of  dependency and responsibility that came up. For families that seemed more hopeful in the education system, they had interactions with helpful persons that created hope and a dependency (which eventually led to a sense of responsibility on the part of the interviewed persons). They met a kind teacher who jumped into action, providing uniforms or resources immediately without qualms. The minister would also be quick to expedite immediate practical support on any education matters (but less so for other areas). The state’s provision of accessible, cheap education, and with good interfacing with the system, led to a hopeful dependence, until the family was more resourced/ stable to be responsible for their own life. Charleen challenged the view of the term “dependence”. We typically see it as someone being burdensome. But she saw it as something being neutral, like rhythms of life where babies or the elderly folks are dependent on the caregiver. There was then an exploration of how systems often emphasize responsibility, while short-circuiting or downplaying the process of dependence.

 

This week, in an SSO networking session, the table of strangers social workers discussed how we can help families achieve, self-reliance, stability and social mobility beyond giving financial help. In that discussion, I remembered hailing judgment towards SSO for prematurely removing help with families and putting them through 3 months of assistance period (before needing to re-apply) and for families with long term chronic health issues. HA! So, this webinar made me realise that I am actually not any more compassionate than SSO. (on the theme of emphasizing responsibility, while short-circuiting or downplaying the dependence stage) My lived experience of people being over-reliant on me, makes me hyper vigilant sniffing out situations of overextending help and not knowing where my limits are, and feeling bad when I decide I need to pull myself away. 

 

I do think these situations make me think wonder where I picked up self-reliance and independence. Without exploring, its so easy to project my value and views on others. The point is not being so black and white on how I see good. There is a more compassionate lens I could take when looking at receiving help and being dependent, instead of seeing a behaviour from a lens of wariness and manipulation.  

 

To me, “inequality” (just like words like inclusivity and social justice), is a workplace buzzword that carries an unspoken energy-demanding expectation to drive change. After all, we are a community work agency working with marginalized families staying in rental flats. But the word inequality feels like popping a stone in my mouth and imagining it as the gummy bear that my colleagues are passionately experiencing. It is not that inequality is unimportant to warrant my full-on efforts.  What is this inequality about and what change is needed? What I can do about it? Does a drop of help do anything to the insurmountable ocean of “inequality”?

This week, I got to sit with a mom, as she recounted factually the death of her ex-husband. She didn’t just have to manage with the grief and adaptation to the loss of an important family figure for herself and her five children. The mom carried a huge sense of inadequacy that her daughters were downgraded from living in a purchased flat (of her ex-husband) to returning to her smaller home. For the mom, there was no other safety net for her daughters to fall back on should she be in a period of financial lack and with nothing to eat. There was regret in not being able to support her son’s tertiary education in the past, which resulted in him having to drop out of school to find work. The mom feels her limited income was potentially a threat to her daughters’ education. 
 
Then in another situation, a mother recounted how money for a month’s phone bill was all it took to cause a quarrel and distrust between her and her husband who is fighting an end stage cancer of the brains. It was sobering to be reminded how having a surplus of $50 could have given her more mental bandwidth to be less on the edge with her dying husband.

On the same day, I also met with a small-built, underdeveloped-looking lady though she was 22 years of age. Her wide-set eyes that always looked down and away from the gaze of others lent understanding that she has untold stories of pain. Our member introduced the young lady in front of me as “a troubled woman who is suffering from depression”. My insides cringed at such an introduction. Small Lady just stared blankly, unperturbed by the comment. The member then described factually how Small Lady was abandoned at birth by her parents and her grandma raised her singlehandedly. She grew up being bullied by her peers; being called names, or being often locked in toilets. Grandma passed on when Small Lady was 18, causing her to drop out in her last year of studying nursing. Having no other person to call family, she survived either seeking refuge with an abusive boyfriend or staying at the Changi Airport. 

I may have initially started at my job thinking inequality is a foreign concept to fight. Hearing the stories of members makes me constantly confront my privilege of having options that I take for granted. It is quite unfair that some people grow up so sheltered with all their ducks in a row, while others just seem to have really the most awful lot in life. I hope I hold the tension of unfairness well, that I won’t remain apathetic or immobilized to inaction. Can mobilizing communities still happen even, with so many crises happening? It almost seems jarring.  

 

 

Today, I had a chat with Jiawei and Chelcia about their learning objectives. HA. Until I sat down with them to look at their writing, did I have the wash of “oh my, what did I just set myself up for?”

 

1. I’ve never done a learning objective in my own time at Beyond and now I’m asking them of it. 

2. In my own life, I don’t even clarify my own sense of purpose in any context. I feel l’m not walking the talk, but, “YOU GUYS, DO IT ANYWAY! Thanks :D”

 

 

I’m still nonetheless grateful for the tool that kinda deepened the conversation and perspective taking, beyond the casual “how do you find your time here so far”. It got deeper, maybe cos they had to dig deeper. 

 

I’m reminded of the Alice in Wonderland quote. For the most, I’ve been kinda banking on chance encounters to feel purpose and growth as I fumble along with life. 

 

Where do I want to get to? Otherwise, any route and any method actually go. 

 

As I start to realise how I don’t quite know the greater purpose of projects I do, (in my personal life or work life), it becomes clearer too that in many work convos, people often communicate about the “form” of things than the end goal dream. 

 

I often get discouraged by step number one whenever there are hiccups and look at things linearly. It sucks that since Bob said he wouldn’t mind being a leader for the fridge project, nothing has transpired since and nothing is moving. IT’S A PROBLEM!!

 

But perhaps I could look at things in incubation phases (to develop a culture of ownership or a community of care blabla bla). And in those phases, a series of successes and failures are things to expect to build the culture. I confess to have harboured much judgment and eye rolls towards Bob for wanting to be a leader but not following up on his words. If I consider his response in context with other laid back volunteers, actually his inaction seems consistent with the group’s response. So why am I surprised or blaming him?

How can a supportive culture in the community then be stirred so he can succeed.

 

It was in the conversation with Jiawei and Chlecia on learning objectives that got me thinking too about my role as I engage the community. Am I a salesman closing a deal, am I a therapist digging secrets out of people, am I a friend where there is a mutual expectation to share, am I data thief stealing sensitive info, am I a santa claus with freebies, am I a detective trying to solve issues, am a mind-reading psychologist trying to analyse personalities so they can do good. 

 

THE HECK DOES COMMUNITY WORKER MEAN?!