Mirage of theeself by Moesfa Maimunah

Dear diary,

munaisnotablogger — 2018-02-24 18:32:58 UTC

Hi diary. Charity here. Charity hopes that she has time for diary because a moment for diary is also a moment for Charity.

Charity, your heart belongs to Him. and you have to return it to its owner one day so please, take care of your heart properly, okay?

Charity, just spill everything here. And do your very best to not talk about good or bad deeds to others. It's a process for gaining ikhlas.

Forgive me, pray for me

A Short Escape.

munaisnotablogger — 2018-02-26 01:52:42 UTC

Salam alaiki ! \>o
Yesterday was amazing even though it is only for a short while, it was satisfying. But I started my day quite bad tho, waking up at 7+ am and still not performing fajr! And I fell asleep on the sajdah the next hour ! So much for staying up the previous night. I also realised the effect I get for doing that. I didnt have time to help my mom at all whilst I actually got nothing to do. I felt very bad about it but mom didnt really get mad at me. That made me feel worse. I feel like I am just using her as a mother. PFFFTT silly metaphores. BEsides that, I cant focus at all in solah, my mind keeps wandering out and about. Day dreaming too much.Urghhh. And I kept falling asleep the whole day ! It is very annoying and I dont like that.

Honestly, I dont want my brothers to see any bad attitudes I have, but sometimes I tend to share with them useless facts especially with Ali. There was once he starts slugging up in bed after I told him about me watching the whole Naruto Shipudden series. That was a stupid move and I regretted that so much. He is easily affected with new things and what his seniors does. I try my best to instill some sunnah spiritual practices into them so that their soul can adapt to peace of the soul.
I think im a bad driver too. I drove too fast.
urgh I just fell asleep. AGAIN.
that's it. I have sleeping porblems .
ciao.

Forgive me. Pray for me.

A Fruitful Jumaat

munaisnotablogger — 2018-03-02 07:44:17 UTC

Assalamualaiki, Diary <3

So, today....ehehehe. (not a cheeky 'eeheeheh' tho)
I dunno if this is an effect of not sleeping properly last night ( I actually gave up on reading my notes and thought that I would just have a nap, but I read the sleeping dua already lah ;D ), but a lot happened. And it was just halfway through today !

It all started before fajr where I woke up at a weird sound of an alarm I never heard of before. Then, I continued sleeping and ended up waking at 5.40 am. When I checked on my phone, I didn't turn off wifi and quite lots of messages came in on WhatsApp. One of them was from Corwin. I thought he sent it like last night so I quickly answered him. When I realised he asked me at like 5.15 am, I was like is this guy for real ? Asking about religion at 5 in the morning? Got hidayah has he ? So a seriously elongated chat happened and man, I was half alive. But alhamdulillah my brain could write down logical answers to all his questions with enthusiasm, somehow. I guess Allah really wants to help this guy. I ended up praying Fajr around 6.30 am but it was still mind-wandering else type of solat.

Then, Sarah and I went to campus early to earn a parking lot before going straight to cafe for breakfast. I ate one and a half steamed buns, forgetting I needed DHUHA . Astaghfirullah.

Apparently, we had our class at auditorium, after a whole month having lectures at dissection hall, which was a blessing to many. Little did we know Ustaz was not in a good mood that morning. Well, it was quite our fault, not taking the classes and subjects seriously. And it wasnt just any class, we are studying OUR religion, the basis of life of a muslim. And I could say 90 percent of the students attended didnt have the roots sowed deep in their souls. Why? Well, among them are people who barely perform prayers, some of them wear hijab just to dodge from his nagging, some coming to class like 45 minutes late, with an unproper dress code on, and the list goes on and on. He had the right to be in that position. And honestly, I admired that he made changes on his way of teaching. Well, if you cant fly, then run. If you cant run, then walk. Not many people is willing to do that these days. I pray that Allah grant him the highest Jannah with that high spirit of his.

^{-too long,find part 2-}

A Fruitful Jumaat pt2

munaisnotablogger — 2018-03-02 08:28:14 UTC

During his lectures, he did press on aurat and the way parents should raise their kid. I love this part of his talk.

Saya ada satu kawan ni, dia ni.... masya Allah, tak tahu lah macam mana mak ayah dia besarkan dia. Ayah dia Dato' tak salah saya, dan dia anak tunggal. Jadi, dia memang dibesarkan dalam keadaan harta yang banyak. Tapi sikap dia.....bila dia tengah makan, lepas tu ada orang tersedak, dia akan berlari pergi cari air untuk orang yang tersedak tu. Itu tengah makan tu boleh berhenti ! Kalau ada makanan tumpah, dia akan berhenti makan dan pergi cari kain lap untuk lap lantai yang kotor tu. Masya Allah, saya yang ustaz ni pun tak terbuat benda macam tu. Ada sekali tu, dia tengah tunggu isteri dia ada program kat mall, dia pergi duduk surau, mengaji ! Kalau kita la, dah pergi tengok-tengok kedai dah, pusing satu mall tu. Masya Allah, hebatnya dia...Sampai orang tanya tau, "Dia ni memang takda nafsu jahat ke?" Baru-baru ni mak ayah dia meniggal, jadi harta semua turun kat dia, itu pun dia masih lagi dalam sikap yang sama. Masya Allah, macam mana dalam keadaan berharta yang begitu banyak, mak ayah dia didik dia jadi anak yang soleh macam tu ?

I was inspired and strucked by lightning at the same time. Inspired to raise my child to be that type of child, but struck because of this recent incident I did. I gave my brother, Aizat RM20 for his pocket money. I know he likes to spend and my mom constricts him to do so. So, I decided to give im some rules on spending that RM20 where he can spend RM10 to his liking and another RM10 for charity. And later on my mom found out that he spent RM7 out of that RM10 to buy some useless diary with a lock on it and she got really furious. So, I felt bad for doing that mainly because I dont know hoow to train kids wholike to spend because both Ali and I didnt like to spend much when we were kids.

The class actually dragged because ustaz decided to check on attendence which was a total mess because some helped others to sign it in their place when they didnt even attend. May Allah belss those souls.

^{-long way to go, part 3-}

A Fruitful Jumaat pt3

munaisnotablogger — 2018-03-02 09:20:40 UTC

This is about moments after weekly Sister Talk. I decided to approach Kak Amira to ask about Corwin. Well, since she doesn't know him, so no judgement will psychologically effect her statements. I showed her our chat to know that if I did answer using the right facts and counterbacks. Her first impression was acknowledging how both of us could talk well. What can I say about it? Corwin is one the born speakers I've known in my life other than Haiqal.
After a long discussion on how to deal with questions from nonmuslims and how rare nonmuslims take religion into deep thoughts, it suddenly slipped out of my mouth on this one incident that happened this week. I asked a few people on this topic, but didn't get the right answer. So, I asked her how to deal with muslims who accept gays and lesbians as a gender? I put down my reasons and ayahs in Quran that states about genders and I really sounded desperate. Kak Amira nodded and agreed with every word I say and then she says,

Kita faham al-Quran, Maimunah. Diorang tak faham. Diorang tak faham yang ayat dalam al-Quran tu semua betul dan azab tu semua akan berlaku. Orang yang macamni diorang fikir ikut logik akal yang tiada batasan tu. Jadi orang intelek macamni kita kena approach melalui bacaan yang sangat banyak tentang fakta-fakta yang ekstrim tentang bahaya dan keburukan gay dan lesbian ni. Kalau Maimunah tengok kan, penyakit yang orang melakukan hubungan intim sejenis ni masya Allah,sangat perit dan menyeksakan. Bayangkan nak kencing pun sakit. Sanggup ke kau sakit macam tu seumur hidup? Ada sebab kenapa Allah membataskan sesuatu perkara. Sebab Allah tahu kesan dia amat teruk kepada fizikal, mental dan emosi manusia itu sendiri. Orang macamni nak counterback memang takda cara lain, kena banyak membaca. Maimunah kena steady, layan je dia. Sabar je kat situ.

And my eyes started to fill up with tears. I know how Im doing this alone with the whole class turning my belief down, even the muslims. To find support, I cant force some other people who I think have the potential. Even though they can see the problems like I do, they have their problems in life too.

^{-Pffftt, i just dont stop. Pt4-}

A Fruitful Jumaat pt4

munaisnotablogger — 2018-03-02 23:41:53 UTC

Slowly, Kak Amira starts telling her background of how she became who she is today. She doesn't even know Quran to start with. She doesn't even wear the loose old-school hijabs she has nowadays. She started reading Quran at the age of 16 adn from there she start to find her way into Islam. But still, it took time for her.

She really reverted because of this one friend of hers, who stayed by her side no matter how she appealed to her. And then, she met another friend who have the same philosophy on Islam with the previous one, which starts making her giving herself a moment of thought. And took her big step after that. The point is, you play a big role in that person's life. You may not look like it, but, like hers, you may be that person who is gonna be sticking by her side just showing her all you do as a true muslim. She may not change in front of your eyes, but that time will come. Allah is taking care of her future.

I know it's hard. You love your friends. You love all of them, right? You want to share with them that peace you felt all alone.

And man, those tears fell like waterfall. Those statements are exactly what I have been keeping deep in my heart and she felt that too. She felt that importance of sharing the emaan to the people you care. I guess watching a girl like me dwell up in tears really touched her heart because she started crying too. Evenso, she kept talking, hiding her tears,

Inilah yang membuatkan akak tak berputus asa atas jalan ni. Orang macam Maimunah, kawan-kawan akak....

And the rest was history. I took my leave after giving goodbyes to Kak Ainul and Kak Rabiatul who was the background sound the whole dramatic time. When I went inside the car, I started crying loudly by myself, letting out all that feelng so that I wont get distracted while driving.

=========================
Honestly, it's good to know that Im doing the right thing. I may have done mistakes here and there, but some spontaneous actions were actually the right thing to do at that specific moment. Allah is really taking care of my bussiness and my role here is to show my gratitude towards His care. I want to be among the companions of the right, as to the meaning of my name. And Im done. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

Forgive me, pray for me.

Befriending a Liberal.

munaisnotablogger — 2018-03-16 04:01:29 UTC

" If you don't believe in the revelation of the Quran, how do you call yourself a muslim?"

I quoted it from Mufti Menk.
I feel bad for not being able to get her to understand the revelations that i was brought up with. The truth, the history, the retribution in the Book.

And yet she's a muslim.

I told her all about me. And when I start to see how she use all those information against me, i get scared. How do I still be appropriate towards her when she starts to pick a fight with me publicly? Because knowing that we don't have the same line of thoughts, the bomb will explode any time soon. The only backup plan i have is to practise how to handle a mess on my own when situations are at the worst.

Allah, you know I love her. And i want her to walk with me into your Jannah later on. It is the only thing worth giving as a present for a friend to me. I don't know if i am going there, but if i do, i want love to have her by my side too. Help me ya Allah. Soften her heart so that she accepts You one day, that she accepts Islam as a whole.

Maybe she won't change in the closest time, but do make her realise that there's no other Lord worth of worshipping except you ya Allah.

Yes, tell me im too busybody on others. I take it in a lot of times before. Maybe i think of her too much.

But tell me, do you want to get out if you're lost in the woods? Then i will be her map or compass as many times as possible until she's free. Im that type of friend.

I will try my best to approach her. If Allah wills, she'll come back. All I can do is try hard and pray. Broken hearts can be mend as long as i turn back to my Creator.

Istajib dua ana ya Allah.

Forgive me, pray for me.

To be open minded towards others

munaisnotablogger — 2018-03-27 09:08:36 UTC

Salam alaikum Love 😄

I have honestly have been busy that i literally left you for 11 days straight 😫 I thought about you a couple of times but no rezq to open my padlet.

Through those 11 days, I learnt a lot. I went to MaBIT at a senior's place, then I went to KL for a lecture at PWTC (which was exciting!) and lots of other stuffs. But, my focus this time will be on Shanice and Sarah.

I learnt a lot from them. Not just being able to accept them inside out, but also on how to treat others. There comes times when I want give everything I have towards someone's help, which I often do. But, they opened my eyes to a new view.

Ya Allah Im bleesed to have friends like them. Even not having iman on Islam, or just plain secularist about religion, they have their good sides.

Nonetheless, I would give them up for the sake of Islam. That is crystal clear to me. Only You give light to those you want, so I pray you give the light to both of them one day. Amin.

Forgive me, pray for me.

An absurd respect

munaisnotablogger — 2018-04-23 06:37:22 UTC

Salam alaikum charity.

I'm really sorry about the harsh title. It just came to mind that I'm having swirling emotions inside right now.

I went back to Muar last weekend for a one night stay. It was brief and I tried my best to spend time, which I did. I just didnt get to ride Atok Ayah's motor, but I'll pass. Throughout the whole we were there, I was triggered with something I had seen many times before. Apparently, I managed to understand the situation better this time around.

Baba was alone at the front couch just minding his own bussiness. Obviously he doesnt want attention nor intentions of joining the family chat that was going on.
Then when Tok Ayah realised him being alone, he quickly took out a doorknob from Ibujiha's room that was said locked from the inside and lost the keys. Thus, that doorknob had to be taken off from its door.
He asked for Baba's help to fix that thing. Well, everyone knew how Tok Ayah's eyes are getting worse as days pass by because of Cataract. So, either he cant see the tiny parts or he just doesnt know how to fix it. He tried his best to catch up with what Baba was doing with less explaination to add on.

HE THREW HIS EGO AWAY TO LEARN WITH A STUCK-UP YOUNG MAN WHO RUINED HIS DAUGHTER'S LIFE.

How did he even manage to talk to him properly in the first place? Not just him, but Mama's whole family still has that mutual respect towards him. A respect that, for me, tak layak langsung untuk dia after all that he has done.

Knowing him, Baba cant see through the shiny glitter of kindness they have been showing. Even if he could, (which means I misjudged him), he ignored it. He doesnt have that sense of guilt.

I cant let this out the others, it might become a big fitna. Im relieved to actually have a place I can let out my inner thoughts.
Tabarakklah to the creator of blogs and pages like this. May Allah send him blessings on dunya, and if the creator is amuslim, insya Allah at the akhirah too.

Forgive me, pray for me.

A "maqbul"-led dua

munaisnotablogger — 2018-04-23 07:09:00 UTC

Hi. I know Im making 2 in a day. Well I dont have rules on padlet.

Here's the thing, my father officially divorced my mom with talak 1. Im gonna do a deep study on what that means (I learnt it before, but just the surface). I want to know what my mom can and cannot do, and what I can and cannot do.

Maybe I have a soft heart after all. Im quite dissapointed because the misery have come to this point. I cant say I didnt want this, as the matter of fact I was the one who convinced my mom to do this. So, in a way I cant be dissapointed, right? I should be happy because it came true.

It may have been an answered dua, in a way. I remembered in the past I asked for protection against evil people, syaitans and evil intentions. Now, I feel half-hearted on that dua.

But it has happened, and there is no one who can fix this aside from Allah swt. No one but Allah himself. So, I lay down all my hopes and needs to Him alone because He is my Creator. He knows me best.

Ya Allah, guide this family to the right path and never let us go astray.

Forgive me, pray for me.

A piece of thought on Muslim reactions

munaisnotablogger — 2018-05-11 01:52:02 UTC

I dont blame anyone especially people who voted for PAS to be mad at other muslims not voting for true Muslim leaders. Yes, I agree that leaders of PH is not the best ones to lead a muslim society. Here's what I think, according to my experience living in a society where people dont have the same line of thought as I do.

I used to have that same line of thoughts like these people who fights for a true muslim leader.
But, things will start to look differently when you go out of your way to see through their lens. Some people call it as to be "open-minded" towards others. Well, I call it as rational. We are a multi-racial country. We have other religions and cultures that we respect and celebrate together. If you stayed within your small circle of friends all this time, you might not see this, but people have various minds and thoughts that sounds irrelevant to you but is their rule of tongue. You say they do all things that is haram, while they say you're hurting yourself by abiding all the commands of your religion. You say those people are anti-Islam, while in their eyes your arrival makes things sensitive and awkward unless you turn out to be a friendly one. Both sides have the same judging eyes but at different sides of the world. Both are too asSabiah with their own belief.

Secondly, PAS has always been on its own. The only time they team up with another party caused them a sole win in the elections. And the graph declined after that and never went further than 13 chairs. It is totally transparent that they have to come up with a strong strategy to get on top, with intentions of saving corrupted Malaysia from any more harm stated in Islam. Yes, the final goal would be to make Malaysia a better Muslim country, no doubt on that. Nonethelass, knowing how spreading islamophobia is to the world today, would you think that people will follow your rules bluntly? Our country follows a democratic system where citizens have right to speak up, and may even topple a whole cabinet down. Power lies within the citizens itself. We have to prove ourselves to them that Islam is not a dead-end religion worshipped by laid-back members who speaks more than acts and doesn't have brains to be among the important roles in the ministry. _{to be continued...}

A piece of thought on Muslim reactions -pt2-

munaisnotablogger — 2018-05-11 16:57:40 UTC

If you want people to accept you, you have to accept them first. The most famous example for muslims is how wine is banned for muslims back in those days. The revelation came down little by little, from just saying it's bad for health towards totally banning it for life.

Nonmuslims already have labelled that party as stereotypical muslims who have so much prohibitions and judgemental towards others. To make matters worse, even muslims don't trust that party as much. Most of them only chose it because they had no other choice other than the corrupting government. Thus, when another party rises to burn down the government to ashes, people would surely pick them without hesitation.

The main thing to understand is that Islam abides by the word peace. We mean no harm, but we have laws and prohibitions, just to ensure the peace we came with. An, a true muslim would live by the rules and regulations wholly as to achieve to highest prize a muslim could get, Jannah. And it is also because if you don't go to heaven, the other choice is to proceed to Hellfire, na'uzubillah min zalik. It is clearly an individual task for each of us. With every single muslim having the right attitude and hunting for knowledge and sharpen your talent, there is a brighter chance for PAS of getting a place in the government.

These words are faulty, so pardon to anyone reading on this. ( which is actually just you)
I honestly have high hopes for PAS if they are willing to change their pace. Ya Rabb, save MAlaysia from harm and corruption and Islam to be accepted in everyone's eyes in the future. Amin.

Forgive me, pray for me.

He came back :')

munaisnotablogger — 2018-06-20 15:45:37 UTC

Hello
Yeah honestly, I have been pretty focused on my life until when raya really hit me in the face.

It's getting late now. But, I have to record this to my diary ;D

That raya morning, my long lost crush, Malak wished me with a moon face. I was suprised he still remembered me. Like,I'm the last girl a boy would still chase after being dumped. Oh, how I wished I ended that conversation quick. 'Cause now I'm stuck with daydreams of him.

We had some a typical chat an innocent couple would have. And as usual, it is very obvious that I was very clingy. He just replied if he had time to look over his phone.

I'm always the one who started saying hi and also the one to do rude things to him, and the one leaving him for months. I did it several times already, and he's still there treating me as usual. It's either he treats all other people like that or he's stupid enough to stay patient with me. Deep down, I'd perefer the first reason.

I don't like to make someone attached to me if he doesn't want it. Most won't even say it 'cause it'll hurt the other party. I don't think he's going to be serious about this also.

Right now, the feelings just blooms like morning glories at sunrise. I'd wish he'd call me sooner, I want to go out with him, I want to just rant useless stuffs to him. But, is he okay with that? Am I disturbing his peace? Will I be distracting him from his studies? Yeah, I know I always have been overthinking over little things. He is giving me a green light. It's just me with my crazy thoughts.

And that my Deen says it's wrong must've been the reason I left things hanging :)(:

Forgive me, pray for me.

Pure feed.

munaisnotablogger — 2018-07-16 09:19:25 UTC

Errr, hi .... again, I guess?
~~Fyi, I'm having a hard time rn.~~
You know how I hate my instagram account because I would fangirl on fanarts at Discover site? Yeah, I'm still not over it yet. But, it turns out that my feed was full of motivational islamic quotes. Back then, I didn't realize it would hit me hard, but considering my sins recently, it really had me thinking through and through about stuffs I've been actively doing.

Well, Haiqal was right. It made me feel so wrong to be doing sins with a pure feed like that. And now, I am half-hearted about getting in touch with Mal often.

I need my old self back.

Report on the relay.

munaisnotablogger — 2018-07-16 09:31:58 UTC

i THINK i HAVE BEEN INFLUENCED TOO MUCH WITH ROMANCE COMICS ON WEBTOON.
HAHAHAHAHHA LOL WRECC.

So, yeah...Things are actually improving in a bad way because we're getting closer to each other.

He doesnt say much, but I think it's because he prefers contact face to face. But, I got that hypothesis wrong. He declined my offer to go out with him. I was pissed off, of course.

Aside from that, no matter what I ask him, he tries his best to answer all of em, but still sounds lazy to me lah. He lets me call him late at night last week. I didn't know what to talk about, I just wanted to call him. And he absolutely wouldn't start any topic and sounds like he wants to hang up on me but when I let him, he wouldn't dare to. And I end up talking about Ali's annoying attitude, which he didn't take it well.We had different opinions in the end, but I accepted his because I didn't tell him the main reason I was so worried about Ali (it's because of my parents split up). Then I don't remember what we talked about but there's a topic on taking my mom out to buy plants because she loves gardening. And there were lots of fruit trees at his home, including rapsberry 0,o
And then it slided into talking about pests namely snakes. Oh, and I talked about my father to him too. But not that detailed. I just said he was a useless one and he was suprised. But I don't think he gets what I said.He shared some problems from his side of the family too just to give a train of thought to me.

Hearing him out made me have a whole new perception on him. He's a lot more matured inside compared to what I thought of him. He knows his problems well and he has his aims as bright as the sun (but idt his initiation is on par ehehe). And I think I am the stupid one among both of us, which made me have this weird respect towards him (basically I became more aware of what he says bcs in my eyes he's matured but I still rant stupid stuffs anyway). His way of treating me might also be affected by that maturity of his. That's what I think but most of the time I still get mad because he won't start the talk. Maybe I just want to be clingy but scared if he's not okay with it. That's all :D

_{Wow, that felt much better letting it all go here. I never regret making this padlet <3}

I neever thought I would gain sth good from this relay.

Blushers

munaisnotablogger — 2018-07-16 16:24:47 UTC

Dude HE JUST USED THAT FLYING KISS EMOJI TO ME WUT DA HELL WHO HE THINK IS HE IS PLAYING ME AROUND LIKE THAT EYYYYY.

Reminder to self:
He can go cringy at times, so beware. Dont make that heart go doki doki often. It's not good for health. ;D

Tears of the brokenhearted

munaisnotablogger — 2018-07-18 15:41:57 UTC

Mama came back home with a sad face again today. Honestly, I'm getting irritated that she hasn't move on from him yet even though they split up already. Well, at first I thought she yearns him to change to the better. But, when I try to look deeper in her words, she was actually broken hearted as a woman being left by her prince that she thought would last forever.

It's just a plain heartache but it makde her every actions sounded more relevant. She loved him pure-heartedly but in the end that love broke her heart into pieces.

Those tears actually was saying that she misses him so much but he's not there anymore. She yearns for his embrace and sweet smile but .......(gosh, myself is literally crying too, reminiscing the good days we had with him.)

In the end, my strong mother is still human. She still has feelings as pure as white silk but got hurt because of it.

O Allah, I pray that Mama gets the best of the best Malaikats in Jannah that treats her well, a house that she loves in those ayah of Yours, and having Umar by her side. I may not be in the best state of iman right now, but I really hope You accept this dua of mine.

Be strong like Mama ^_^

Heart ache

munaisnotablogger — 2018-07-21 07:42:33 UTC

Salam <3

I miss him. We barely chatted yesterday because I flustered as he wasn't giving much attention to me. Knowing that he can't see my expressions, I didn't think he'd knew I'm sulking. And today, I made a private post for him to text me when he's free. But I guess he has pretty much to handle with those babies at his place. So, I really didn't say a word today.

Urghh, I don't know what I was thinking.... we're not even a couple and I expect so much from him. Too much. Honestly, this heart ached since morning and I really feel like crying. I really want him to call me to compensate for all the times he's been ignoring me. But I do think he'd be tired after all that babysitting job. ( He's still awake at 2 am tho so my hypothesis is downright wrong.)

Well, I guess I have to learn getting ignored by my crush often. He never says he's into me or sth like that. And I seem too pushy too. Huarghh, let's find another reason to live.

Harsh way to move on, huh?