My Revisions

[Tell us what craft moves you tried to use when you revised your draft. Give at least 2 moves.]

I tried out the ______ move by ....

I also tried out ___________ in my ____ sentence because I wanted to...

perhaps i will help endagered species

perhaps i will cure a sickness

perhaps i will become the greatest cheif

i am a blank canvas and i am ready to paint my future

My Revisions

[i used repitition and comparing]

I tried out the perhaps move by repeating a word

I also tried out compareasin in my

last sentence because I wanted to give a cool effect

I tried out the Metaphor move by comparing myself to a hermit crab changing into seashells.

I also tried out the repeating move in my 4th and 5th sentences because I wanted to add the overthinking type of writing. After all, it draws the reader in.

[Type your revised draft.]

My Revisions

[I used comparing}

I tried out the perhaps move

I also tried out comparison in my 3rd sentence, last sentence, 6th sentence, and 7th sentence because I wanted to make it seem more relatable and more understanding

I tried to use a metaphor to make the meanings more compelling.

I used metaphors and strong words to make my paragraph stronger!

I also tried a real-life example of what happened in my life. So everything in here is a real story

Perhaps I did get brainwashed; no more thoughts running around in my head like crazy. Perhaps I just never paid attention to my surroundings so I never needed to overthink, or maybe just didn't bother to talk to others after a long day.

I tried using metaphors so you can visualize my writing more.

somthing that i HATE in my life is my dog, well i dont hate my dog, i hate whats happening to her. she is blind and deaf and has to suffer because of it and it makes me so MAD that i have to see my dog who deserved nothing but care has to suffer while there are dogs who are mean and not the best dogs get care and are not blind and deaf. perhaps im over reacting and shes ok and she can get through being blind and deaf, perhaps my dog is fine and loves her life with us, i guess i can never know.

what i did to change my poem was add in perhaps more and explained more on why im mad that my dog is this way

The changes I made: I wrote about something I cared about, music, and repeated phrases of emphasis to highlight their importance.

There was only one class I finally felt comfortable in, one that I found peace in, and that was my last year advisory with Mr.Alderete. He felt welcoming even though I never did my homework, and all my friends were there.

I feel disappointed that he is no longer teaching grades higher than 6th grade, because I desperately wanted him again. Perhaps I can try to get more comfortable with Ms. Olivera since I've had her before.

My Revisions:

I tried using stronger words like "desperately," but I also wanted to keep "perhaps."

I added why I felt comfortable in Mr. Alderete's advisory class.

By Uriah K

Something you should know about me is that I like to play basketball and I like to rollerskate on my free time. When I'm at home I complete the homework that i have to do then I'm probably watching tv or on call with friends. Perhaps, today I won't stay at home today. Perhaps, I will figure something out that i never knew that i could do. Laying on your couch and just resting with nobody bothering you is like the best thing that could ever happen to me. It makes me feel relaxed, and calm. I don't have to worry about anything. It's like heaven to me.

I used metaphors in my draft to make it like they can feel it too.

Perhaps it's because whenever I go through hard times in life, music has been my way to escape them.

I like acting, perhaps it's because it's fun.

Or perhaps it's because my whole life I've hidden my emotions so that the people around me didn't get upset.

I kept a smile on my face, keeping my voice happy, and if someone was hurt, I was there to help.

I've acted my whole life, and now I use it as a strength.

I'm like a car on a bumpy road, just getting through life the best I can.

All the while keeping the people inside safe, never letting them know that the doors might have scratches. 

things I changed:

I tried out the perhaps move by repeating a word

I tried out comparison in my last sentence because I wanted to summarize what my story/poem was about. 

I also made it more personal, allowing it to be a little more emotional.

I also used to be afraid of dogs until I had my own

Perhaps I thought I was a scaredy cat of loud noises

Perhaps I also thought loud noises were scary, like yelling or fireworks

Perhaps I tried covering my ears or wearing headphones, but it didn't always work

When I stay inside my house, scared of the noises, I notice my dog barking

And it made me realize I was never alone

Others were sensitive to loud noises, too, even animals

But some may not understand, like how dogs bark, but no one understands why.

My Revisions:

I tried out using perhaps more than 2 times

I also tried out using an animal that represented me in my sentences because I wanted to make this more emotional or catch other people's attention.

My Revisions:

At first I did not have a big collection but then it grew and grew and I learned to be more strategic of what to buy because it might not be sold anymore

To revise my writing i used a metaphor (me vs. the changes in weather, rain to sun). I also tried to use stronger word choices (fueling, sprout, extreme, etc.)

My pets are my life, my heart, my soul

I got them when I was little

I saw my dog whilst we were in a pet shop and said, "Mother! Father! I want this one!"

They smiled and agreed as we took her home

In the car, we were trying to figure out a name for our new addition to the family

"Autumn!" My mother yelled out as I looked back at my pup's golden fur. Something seemed to shift

Maybe it was the way my eyes shone with adoration for the new member

Perhaps it was the awe of getting my first pet

As the chemicals and particles shifted in the air of the year, everyone panicked

The year when the world seemed to tilt on its axis

My family and I were in the car, driving somewhere I do not remember

My father decided to lighten the mood, "Lai, would you rather get a kitten or an iPhone?" He had asked me

"Kitten!" I said with a bright smile

He nodded, and my mother grinned

I did not know that we were actually going to get a kitten

When we entered the pet shop, I saw this tiny black kitten, the last one in the whole shop

"Mama, I want that one," I said with a head tilt

Much like me nowadays, this kitten was shy and misunderstood

He huddled in the corner of his tiny carrier and meowed as if he were nervous

Of course, he was; the other cats at the shelter had bullied him into a shell of his former self

His original name was Pingu. We decided to keep it because he had a little white spot of fur on his chest

As we both got older, with my two pets, Pingu slept with me most nights, and Autumn slept on my floor

I felt protected, and I could only assume they did too

My revisions were that I tried out the metaphor of feeling like a sick baby bird. I also used the "Shift to himself" trick by saying phrases like this made me feel. I also used strong word choice, using "desperately".

Revisions: I added something emotional, removed 2 unrelated topics, used repetition and tweaked the topic to more about me.

“Look at what I did dad!” “Guess what happened today dad!”

And “Im gonna need some help dad”

No matter what I said he would always listen

May not be looking at me but he's listening

We have gone through a lot

Maybe even too much

The things we have gone through makes me feel like I was stuck in a small tiny box

Getting smaller and smaller until it swallows me whole

But we’re still good

Yeah still good

Even then he listens

Ears open…eyes open

When I come home then the box gets bigger and bigger

As big as the house we live in

And all I can hear is “welcome home…welcome home”

As I flop onto my bed, feeling the cool blanket under me

As sleep starts to take me under its wing

Goodnight goodnight…I can't wait until we speak

And that's me and my dad, I talk, he listens

But now I'm free and I can talk without worry…

Goodnight goodnight…We don't have to feel the fright again

And I'm home…forever, and that's where my history ends, it doesn't get any better than that…

Perhaps, my dad has gotten tired of that

Perhaps my dad is just as relieved as I am

But we are still good

my Dearest dad...

I had tried out repition and added more emotional things to mkae it visual enough

My Revisions:

I don't believe that I'm always funny and messing around; I tend to be serious when it comes down to it.

I tried out using the word perhaps in my sentence because I think it would put like a yes no maybe so on peoples faces like oh you might or wow thats awesome.

My revisions, I tried using better words like in the sentence about my hobbies.

Something you should know about me is that I am a big family person. My family is everything to me, even if I don't show it that much or make me feel a certain way. To me, family is like glue, messy at times, but it holds the pieces of your life together.

My family makes me feel a wide range of emotions, from happy to sad, ignored to loved, and even despised. I feel happiest when I'm with them because I have so many great memories that I will cherish forever.

Perhaps family is a garden of imperfect seeds, still blooming in their own time.

For my revisions, I added metaphors to make the text more engaging.

Revisions

I removed unnecessary words.

I even tried to check for run-on sentences.

I added a metaphor

And stronger word choices.

My Revisions

I changed my topic from traveling to books.

Revisions: I added more to make it longer, and I added better word choices.

I made it so that the reader can feel like they are actually there

My Revisions:

I tried out using stronger word choices, like instead of grateful, I used thankful. Instead of different, I used unique.

I also tried out shortening my writing a bit. Like cutting some sentences out and cutting not really important stuff.

My revisions:

Added new sentences, Simplified wording for clarity, Improved flow and structure (organized the sentences ect.)

Revision: I added a metaphor that goes throughout the whole writing. I hope that you can understand it!

I tried to use rhyming words, like 3 and me, but it was kind of hard to find a lot of rhyming words. 

I also tried to make the last sentence sound as cool as possible.

My Revisions: Something I tried to do was I tried to get rid of repeated sentences, and instead of using those repeated sentences, I tried to replace them with sentences that have more emotion, for example, Me and strawberries are like a bee to a flower, they both go perfectly together, and so on. I tried to use more metaphors (comparing oneself with something else)

Something you should know about me is that I'm a big music nerd. I've been doing music since I was a small child and have always enjoyed it. Music has always been a big passion for me and is what got me into a lot of other things. Music is an important part of my life, and it makes me feel happy. Perhaps I got into music because I listened to a lot of nursery rhymes (like twinkle twinkle little star and Mary and a little lamb), when I was little in daycares, and grew to like them. Perhaps it's because I just enjoy singing and writing things like songs. In the end though, music is important to me.

I tried referencing nostalgic things like nursery rhymes.

I also tried to be descriptive in my writing, about why I like music.

I added repetition (perhaps x2)

Tried adding stronger word choice.

 Something you should know about me is that I have a passion for video games. It is one of my biggest hobbies, and it has helped me socialize with people. I use video games to relieve stress; though they can make me feel less stressed, they can also make me feel more stressed. Video games are what I do to cure my boredom and creativity. If I didn't have video games, I think I wouldn't be as social with people. I also think that if I didn't have video games, I would probably be sleeping all day. A life without video games is a life of just continuous work with no breaks. I strongly encourage you to take a break and play some video games if you're stressed. Perhaps you should try some video games! Maybe you should also try making a video game.

I used Metaphor, and strong words

My revisions: stronger word choice, Deeper connection, Punctuation. Instead of enjoyment, I put satisfaction to bring more emotion.

I used repetition and a metaphor.

I tried to use rhyming words, like 3 and me, but it was kind of hard to find a lot of rhyming words. 

I also tried to make the last sentence sound as cool as possible.

What I did was when I used perhaps, I changed how I felt when spending time with my family

I used a strong word choice by adding words like complex and emphasize.

My Revisions

I tried out the repetition move by adding perhaps 3 times to 3 sentences. I included perhaps at the beginning of two sentences, one after the other. 

I also tried out different word choices in multiple sentences because I wanted to make my writing/story sound stronger and more professional. 

REVISIONS: I tried out using the word "Perhaps"

I tried the word "perhaps"

I also tried strong word choice

It can also make me sad.

From excitement and anticipation,

To the unreadiness for the year to come.

In the two months of freedom that are gifted to me,

I feel an almost endless thread of joy.

I feel grateful for the gift bestowed upon me,

And I try to cherish it while I can.

But sometimes I feel like a dog.

Only free for the hour we spend at the park.

Constantly trying to find a way to make the time last longer.

While I don't mind being home,

I can't help hiding and running, and fleeing with my friends,

Trying not to be caught by the leashes of obligation and the indoors.

Mostly not wanting the time to end.

Perhaps I'm an autumn leaf not wanting to stray from my tree.

Perhaps the sight of summer joy fading farther and farther as I free-fall is the reason.

The golden source of fun and freedom, as sweet as sap escaping your grasp.

But like most golden things, summer ends, and the leash is back.

You finally hit the ground.

In a way, I feel like the leaf, unable to change what happens.

When the tree releases you, you have no other choice but to fall back to the ground.

But I also feel like the dog, knowing that this fun and joy will repeat the next day.

Obediently going back into the endless loop of the year, Content with the time I had.

So yes, while summer makes me happy,

It can also make me sad.

When the happiness and excitement come to an end,

It's "Back to my duties I go."

My Revisions:

I ended up making my draft into a poem.

I also tried to add an emotional response to my poem.

Lastly, I tried to use strong word choices.

I have a little dog named Yoda. I love him, but he whines a lot and barks a lot. Perhaps he is sometimes afraid. Perhaps he misses us when we leave. He loves to play and run.

The revisions i made were i added perhaps

We’ve only won once,
Back in week two,
And honestly, I think
It shocked the whole crew.

Perhaps they gave up,
Their spirits ran low,
While I kept on pushing
Through rain, mud, or sun’s heat aglow.

Coach shouts from the side,
But the message falls short,
Our plays are a mess,
And we don’t pull flags like that.

Practice is quiet,
No fire in the drills,
Except for a few
Still chasing the thrills.

Parents check phones,
Just wishing the end was near.

But I lace up my cleats
Every day just the same,
Because win or lose,
I still love the game.

When the ball hits my hands,
And the field closes tight,
For a moment, I’m flying
With everyone beside.

I dodge and spin,
I hear my heart pound,
Even if no one
Is cheering around.

While heads all hang low,
I whisper, “Next time,
We’ll give them a show.”

When you’re deep in a dig,
You don’t quit the fight.

We may not be stars,
But we’ll give it our might.

Someday I’ll look back,
On the sweat and the pain,

On cold morning sprints,
And the runs in the rain.

I’ll remember the feeling
Of giving it more,
Because effort’s a treasure
That no one can ignore.

So I’ll keep on playing
Through bad and through worse,
For the love of the game
And the strength in the verse.

Revisions:

I added the saying A rooster only crows only when it sees light. Put him in the dark, and he will never crow again.

I also changed the 1 in the moring part to 6 in the moring at the top

REVISE:

Some things I revised are using the word perhaps, I added a little metaphor here and there, and I added more description of my actual topic I was talking about.

REVISIONS: I checked my punctuations and Capitalizations. I also Used Metaphors and Similie's

I put a metaphor in my story by saying, "The dogs were as fluffy as pillows."

I also put in "even in the toughest of environments, if other intelligent lifeforms still thrive, then so can we," because it shows that even if the world is ending, life will still live on, somewhere in the universe. 

I love the ocean, no matter which beach I visit. The sea is my happy place. It clears my mind and makes me feel free. As soon as me and the water meet, I can feel my worries wash away with the tide. I dread the moment I have to leave, but until then, I cherish every moment I spend there. I know that even when I have to go, I can always return because the ocean will always be there for me.

I tried out using (repetition)
I also tried out adding the word determined in my 4th sentence because I wanted to show how much I want to keep moving forward in learning talents

It visualizes someone's mind; it comes from the heart.

Although I always thought it would be impossible for me.

Until, in 5th grade, I came to a start!

I learned about digital drawing.

Anyone's ideas could be poured onto a glass canvas with the convenience of an iPad and an Apple Pencil.

I was trying to climb up the same ladder, thinking I could skip rungs.

But then, I started to lose my grip.

I realized you couldn’t skip steps.

I closed my mind, thinking that I just wasn’t born for this passion.

Art.

But then, after a year of fears and tears, bigger problems than my dillema with art…

There was a calm after the storm.

June.

I re-opened my mind.

Without as much worry about school work and responsibilities, I had time to delve back into my interests for a little while.

No, I didn’t just start drawing again, for I knew it would lack style!

I learned, and learned and learned.

About others' art.

Techniques, styles, stories, possibilities.

I returned to the idea of heart.

My journey isn’t over, for there is still much to learn about the techniques and machinations.

Perhaps.. With a little time, I could become smart.

Like the others I admired.

Perhaps…I had the heart, but not the mind.

But the thing about art is that it’s both.

Revisions:

• I transformed my Freewrite into a rhyming poem

• I picked more impactful words like “passion”

• I included literary devices like repetition and contrast

While in line at the vending machine, I let others go before me in line. While taking a walk outside, if I notice someone is looking like they're having a bad day and not smiling, I'll give them mine. While at school, I like to give others compliments even if I don't know them.

Even though all of these things are small, you never know what people are going through. Perhaps, they are having a bad day. Perhaps they are not feeling good about themselves.

Whatever they are going through, I know from experience that it always feels good when someone is kind to you, and what I want to do is give others that feeling.

My Revisions

• Changed the whole story from being about saving Christmas to this.

This summer, I discovered that I am happier while outdoors in the sun. Whether it is paddling during regatta season, park days with my friends, or body boarding at the beach.

These last few weeks of summer were the best I've ever had. Which made me feel happier than ever.

Perhaps it's not only good for my health to be active, but for my mental health too. Perhaps I should be open to new things.

Revisions: I expanded my writing and added figurative language.

My Revisions:

I tried out using "Perhaps."

Writing has its way of expressing your thoughts and feelings. Drawing is showing what you see, and how you can make it real. And it's of your imagination in both drawing and writing, so you can have some fun with it as you go along.

But that's not just about me. I love to play softball, and over the years I have been playing for about 5 1/2 years now. Playing for all those years, I would say, makes me feel a bit overworked when I play, like I always think that I need to be better and put myself down.

But overall, in general, I hate the way that I think about myself. I always overthink everything that I do. Softball gave me my ups and downs, like recently, over the summer, I went to Utah for a tournament, and we did pretty badly in the beginning, but towards the end, we battled till we got to the championship, but we got second place.

I knew that we were very hyped in the last inning, up by one. But errors were made that I couldn't do anything about, since it wasn't me playing the position. And I was upset at the fact that we got 2nd place, and I blamed myself for not doing enough. When what I did was enough for myself and the team.

Perhaps, if I didn't put myself down so much, it would help me realize that I am good at my level. Perhaps it's the way that I try to cope in stressful situations, since I don't know how to calm myself down properly.

My revisions

• I changed my writing, switching things around so it would make sense in a shorter version

• I put in repetition

• I added more description to my story.

  
  

  
  

My Revisions

I repeated a word twice, which was perhaps

I cut out a lot of things from my draft.

Something you should know about me is that I'm a bodyboarder. But I also am sponsered by the pro brand Hubboards. Even though I'm still a Jr pro I look forward to compete in the world tour in bodyboarding. On the world tour my dream is to win a world title and represent Hawaii. This makes me feel like I'm going to have to put in a lot of time and effort. If this comes hard and stressful I promised myself to not quit and keep going. Plus I have my friends and family supporting my journey so I cant fail them. Perhaps it might take a long and perhaps it might take hard work but that's okay because with hard work comes good reward.

I cleared up some of the run on sentences and put more flowing words.

My revision: I tried out new words

Something that you should know is that I love playing video games.

Perhaps I will play the same ones forever and ever.

Perhaps I will try new ones.

video games are my time to get away, my peace and my silence.

id play them all day if I could, I would.

Video games, after the day, less than a minute away, id like to play, my fun for the day

Video games, my peace and my silence

O, video games, my peace and my silence 

Perhaps I will do something else, perhaps I'll go to the beach and jump off the Rocks

Perhaps I would surf after school, and it would be peaceful and fun

The courts where I clear my head and play,
Basketball’s part of me every day.

Something you should know is I love the beach. Perhaps I love every beach. I love surfing at the beach, I also like bogie boarding and bodysurfing too. perhaps I love swimming a lot too. I love going through caves a lot with my dad, I love fishing too and spear fishing as well. That is the things you should know.

My Revisions

I tried out the perhaps move by loving every beach

I also tried out the perhaps in my sentence because I wanted to say I like swimming too.

But something I do love is my guinea pigs.
I have two of them, and their names are Mr. Brown and Dash.
Mr. Brown is calm and chill, but Dash runs around like he’s in a race all the time.
They make little squeaky noises when they want food, and I think it’s funny.
Taking care of them is part of my everyday life, and they always make me smile.

So yeah, if you want to know one quick thing about me:
No popcorn, but yes to guinea pigs.