Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a s***load of firewood.'

I kind of shut down a little. How do they know it’s so great?

From

smelling 

 the tacos? If they only ate one taco, the taco

could not have been that great. Or maybe it

was

 great, but the

thin person cared more about the calories than the taste: “I had

to stop at one taco. I’m on a diet.” A taco that won’t force you

to break your diet just can’t be that good. Fat people know the

consequences of eating, but if the food is good enough, they

just don’t care. Overweight people have chosen food over ap-

pearance. When a fat person talks about a great place to get a

burger, I lean in. They know.

**Ted:** I'm imagining zero.

**James:**  You should be. You should also imagine a one before that zero. That's right, there are TEN turds floating around a public pool at any given moment.

**Ted:** That seems a bit high.

**James:** Ever wonder why it's called a public pool?

**Ted:** I've never had to, it's self defining isn't it?

**James:** Nope. It's because of all the pubes. The original Latin was "pubelic."

**Ted:** ...So are we talking about pubes or turds here?

**James:** It doesn't matter, they both come from a persons pubelic area.

**Ted:** Look, if there was a turd in this pool you'd be able to see it, right? 

**James:** That's the beauty of it - the pink eye would impair your vision. It's the perfect crime. 

**Ted:** Do you have pink eye?

**James:** Lets hope not.

**Ted:** Do you see any turds in this pool?

**James:** I dunno. Whose to say there isn't one over in that drainage thing?

**Ted:** Why would there be a turd in the drainage thing?

**James:** Someone could've gotten here early, gotten in the pool, realized he or she had to shit, considered using the public toilets, remembered that public toilets are gross because of all the pubes, and made an executive call to just shit where he stood- I mean where he or SHE stood. 

**Ted:** I don't under-

**James:** Then this hypothetical person could have befriended a little kid, revealed the turds, told the kid they'd never believe it was me, swam away, watched the kid panic and sweep the turds into the drainage thing, laugh, get out of the pool, dry off, wait for his or her friend- 

**Ted:** James, what. The. Fuck. Are you the reason why that kid wouldn't stop crying?

**James:** There were ten reasons.