Foreboding grief is an emotional experience of anticipated heavy and ominous grief. It's an extended feeling of dread, hypervigilance, difficulty staying grounded, and heartbreak.

Foreboding is before the loss of something, and traditional grief is after the loss of something. It's an emotional prep for the pain before it arrives.

There are some people who would demand that I need to stay positive. What happens when we have false positivity?

The last time I went through this, I became the Queen of Positivity. "It's fine." Who did I think I was kidding?

While my friends were feeling foreboding grief for my condition, I spent a lot of energy trying to shield people from the pain of considering my absence. This was a disservice to myself and dismissive of the feelings my friends were experiencing. What did I learn from that?

I learned that I managed to isolate myself and what I was really going through. I was more disconnected than connected with the people who cared about me.

I've learned that strength didn't come from inauthentic positivity. It extended the trauma, and there were more years working to sift through the BS to get to the raw truth.

This time, I am sitting with the feeling. I'm allowed to feel what I feel so I can move forward with the battle. I'm anchoring myself while allowing myself to feel vulnerable.

That last part is hard for me. I do not do vulnerability well, and it has been a work in progress since Intel employees were introduced to Objectives and Key Results.

This is the calm before the storm. This isn't negative thinking. It's the raw truth to name the emotion that has been plaguing me today.

Today, I did a couple new rituals to help me process the emotions so I can proactively tackle what is coming instead of burying my feelings for it to blindside me later down the road.

I've been there and done that already. I do not want to feel like Alice in Wonderland again. That's what happens when we strive to deny what we're really feeling.

Besides... horses never lie, and they know when we're not trustworthy. Being trustworthy to earn their faith in us requires brutal honesty. It's an integral part of leadership.

While jumping into the chance to learn what is involved with horsemanship, I was exploring how horses help veterans with emotional regulation. How is this a thing?

It is a thing because, to be a leader for horses, we need to be able to ground ourselves while being assertive with our boundaries. These are large emotional animals, and we have to be able to emulate emotional regulation so they can feel safe and regulate themselves.

It has not been an easy journey since 2018, and I wouldn't change any of it because I learned a lot.

I learned how to be more present and still. I learned how to listen for emotional cues. I learned how to give in to vulnerability in order to be stronger for myself and the horses. Their trust in me is a gift that must be protected. Acceptance into their herd is a privilege.

I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes every day. At the same time, to be able to partner up with the horses, it's important for me to get present and dump all of my agendas to accept what they are communicating with me every time I step into the arena with them. What do I mean by 'the arena'?

The arena is every moment in every place I am with them. Whether we're doing barn chores, getting veterinary checkups, grooming them, riding them, or out in the world exploring with them.

Being in their vicinity is arena time. That's the time it is important to listen to understand while radically accepting what they are saying. Then, how we choose to respond will determine their level of trust in our leadership.

According to David Horsager, the 8 pillars of trust are: Clarity, Compassion, Character, Competency, Commitment, Connection, Contribution, and Consistency.

What OKRs (Objectives and Key Results AKA stretch goals) can we create to be trustworthy leaders with a commitment to consistent radical acceptance?