“Reflect on your artistic process —“

Of which time span?

We had our first HAL class on February 24^th, if my calendar does not deceive me. That was 8 weeks ago… How much is realistic to be achieved in such an interval? When has one done ‘well’? It’s always hard to recall the past. I have no evidence of what was done and experienced each day. I’m left with a vague impression whether I ‘feel’ like much has been done; Whether I ‘feel’ like I have 'achieved' --- Whatever that means. In that case, I was asked to set myself clear parameters, to assess to which degree these parameters have been met. Admittedly, I have lost my parameters along the way… Perhaps I can recall them in retrospect.

I open my calendar to track which appointments were set. I started the semester with developing some rolls of 35mm film, I see. I had been going for runs in my neighbourhood, taking pictures along the way. Pleasurable.

 On March 1^st I had my first meeting of the Theater project organised by Gaja Caruso at 2NITE. Close to 30 people come together to create a dance performance from scratch in an entirely non-hierarchical manner – Script, Costume, Makeup, Scenography, Lighting, Music, Choreography, Directing – All to be conceptualised and made and organised and coordinated. I am responsible for scenography and script writing in particular. The piece will be performed June 19^th. I could write scrolls about the (social) intricacies of this collaboration – It requires a lot of social grace. A type of grace which Gaja magically has, holding us all together. A type of grace I am hoping to improve on.

I applied and got accepted for the Erasmus Crafts and Sustainability project, which entailed several online session and a week-long excursion to Antwerp’s Blikfabrik from March 22nd until March 19th. We went to learn and connect with the people running a glass studio at Blikfabrik, who reuse old glass. We got an introduction to various glass techniques, including mold blowing. I was able to make a prototype of a glass figure, which I’ll hopefully cover with scoby leather in the coming weeks. The scoby Is currently growing. It is a sculpture project related to my research of light and flesh and it might serve as a starting point for my graduation project next year. I could elaborate, but the theoretical “meaning” behind it all seems irrelevant to me, currently. I am merely excited about doing it.

I also started on a second sculpture, involving a quite elaborate metal grid which turned out to be way time intensive to build than initially planned (as per usual). Within the grid, three small stained glass windows will be hung. Fingers crossed that I’ll finish it before the end of the year. It would be great to have both of these sculptures done and presentable — as either might serve as a prototype for my graduation project. Also, it would open space to muse on a next glass project during the summer break, where I’ll hopefully be able to do an internship at Glasmalerei Peters. I'm currently writing my motivation letter.

I’ve been participating as a performer in the research of Sofia Murillo’s graduation project on ‘Becoming Aquatic’ – We swim, we breathe, we feel… and we do that meeting once a week since March 7th. We will perform together at her graduation. 

And, yet again, Exam phase at RUG – Which ended last week. This block’s courses were on European Law; Methodology and Research practice and Arabic Language. Not uninteresting. However, the attained knowledge has so far not been applied in the Minerva context. Will it ever? 

And, of course, the residency at SYB – being silent and researching the fall with Shervin. We will make a small booklet out of our insights. We shot two rolls of film, I wrote a few things. A quite challenging experience. It was very nice to work with Shervin. 

Meanwhile, reading Hannah Arendt’s “The banality of evil”; writing some more texts on my research topic and general reflections on god and faith… There was a point I suggested to Hantschel that I will try to find god during HAL – I revoke this as my  topic of research (while it remains a pertinent endeavour – for my whole life, potentially). Yet part of my prayer has been heard, as such, I have less salience for prayer and less desperate necessity to devote myself to some shape of god.  

I have become less interested in making images, interestingly (I have not been painting at all, nor making prints). While the 2 sculptures I am working on excite me a lot – I don’t feel like creating much else at all, if I am being honest.

This aligns with my initial intentions for HAL (I think these might have been my initial intentions) – looking outward, disengaging from my own research, participating in other’s projects. More doing, less thinking. Less planning, more playing. Less desk, more frolicking in fields. I think I haven’t let go of my research as much as I initially wanted, looking back. 

On May 3rd I’ll go to Ameland with Linn to record a performance of “Hiding in light”. I am planning to show this video material at the Bas Jan Ader exhibition in the Koeplzaal. For that I also want to convert an overhead projector to be able to project digital video.

These are the things I would like to achieve next block. I guess a parameter of accessing success is whether they have been done, or not

-       Finish the glass sculpture with Scoby leather

-       Finish the metal frame and the windows inside them 

-       Try your best for the Theatre project; write the script and build scenography as needed

-       Try your best for Sofia’s project; perform for graduation

-       Make the booklet with Shervin about our Syb residency 

-       Record the performance with Linn in Ameland

- Convert an overhead projector to project a digital screen 

…Has HAL been a success to me?
If I’m being entirely honest, I am not doing much different in comparison to previous semesters. I believe all of these things I would have done if I was in HAL or not. I’m feeling satisfied with what I have done and started. I feel clear and set on what I want to continue doing.

I think most of all, I appreciate the opportunity of going to SYB. I think it was a really challenging and novel experience, raising several questions of my own relationship with art and artistic research - How does one commit one’s mind and body to an abstract, and poetic topic such as ‘the fall’? How does one stay with it mentally and physically? What does it really mean to research in such a way? What kind of results am I expecting? For whom are these results? Is merely experiencing enough? How can I communicate what I experienced, and is this experience relevant to anyone else but myself? In which way is it relevant to myself? How does one remain genueine? Is possible to perform in a non-performative way?

“A serene sense of the slow inevitability of the gradual changes in the earth’s crust comes over me; a consuming love, not of a god, but of the clean unbroken sense that the rocks, which are nameless, the waves which are nameless, the ragged grass, which is nameless, are all defined momentarily through the consciousness of the being who observes them. With the sun burning into rock and flesh, and the wind ruffling grass and hair, there is an awareness that the blind immense unconscious impersonal and neutral forc- es will endure, and that the fragile, miraculously knit organ- ism which interprets them, endows them with meaning, will move about for a little, then falter, fail, and decompose at last into the anonyomous soil, voiceless, faceless, without identity.” 

One tries and one faulters. The fall is inevitable. Meaning only lasts so long. All returns in a cyclical manner. That can be cruel, that can be comforting. Here I am, giving myself to life’s motions (I have to; I cannot do otherwise). (Does one resign, am I pulling, or am I being dragged along)

And I I open my palms to the sun to receive 

Word from whoever listens 

I saw each colour split by tiny pearls

Of sweat in each deep crevice, each manyfold 

My hands were shimmering almost opalescent 

As such is my solitary musing on what life is and what it could be. 

It’s raining it’s raining it’s raining it’s raining 

A piece of ice the size of belgium falls into the sea

My boyfriend lays his legs over mine 

It’s raining it’s raining 

Animals are dying 

And it’s hard to believe that people die 

Without ever really touching one another. 

The door clicks. 

You came in through the door
In half-darkness of late afternoon I couldn’t tell, your face

No one had turned the light on 

With the click of the key you crawled into my body 

I knew you were crying

You pull to close the door 

Go upstairs 

Without taking your coat off. 

The sink’s leaking, one drop at a time. 

The water’s rising.
She taps her foot in it’s rhythm. 

Doesn’t dare touch the vase 

The water’s rising. 

sweep up tired thought. Get up again next morning. 

I don’t listen to the radio anymore

when it comes 

Tomorrow. Again, grey, the streaks

Of work 

Shedding the stone

Of the pavement, dissolving 

With the idea

Of a singular endeavour. 

They are Bunched, And out of 

Hearing. Though the day 

Come to us 

in waves,

sun, air, the beat 

Of the clock. 

Though I stare at the radical 

World, 

Wishing it would stand still.

tell me,

And I gain at the telling 

Of the lie, and the waking 

Against the heavy breathing 

Of new light, dawn, shattering

The naive cluck

Of feeling. 

what is tomorrow 

That it cannot come 

today 

Breakfast. 

Two people sit somewhat awkwardly, silently. Sipping coffee.
Sound of a kettle being put on. .

After a while, that’s just a bit too long, one speaks: You know… the caterpillar has to first liquify itself before transforming into a butterfly 

The other: Like soup you mean?
(meanwhile the kettle noise gets increasingly louder) 

The one: Yeah, like soup 

The other (not quite impressed): Oh, wow … 

(The kettle noise becomes even louder and transforms into the sound of a plane) 

(scene) 

It is a Sunday in warm July 

Sundays are made for people who can surrender.

I am looking up the blue sky of Cyprus. 

There I see a dark green airplane flying above my head. 

Jet skies going back and forth.

Tourists’ laughter in the background.

British colonisers who never left, using our land as a launchpad.  

-       Finish the metal frame and the windows inside them 

-       Try your best for the Theatre project; write the script and build scenography as needed

-       Try your best for Sofia’s project; perform for graduation

-       Make the booklet with Shervin about our Syb residency 

-       Record the performance with Linn in Ameland

- Convert an overhead projector to project a digital screen 

As an exercise, I'll choose the Chapter 'Vanity' ---

Questions:

• What, in the first place, is Vanity; Which are the ways one could define it?

• How is Vanity connected to the glory and tragedy

• What role does Vanity take in human experience

• Is there a 'history of vanity' ?

• Is (the representation of) God vain?

Method:

• Most likely a lot of Reading (academic papers; religious texts; poems...), new and old

• Reflecting personally when I feel vain, what role vanity plays in my life and human experience

• Look at artworks related to vanity (ex. 17th century Vanity paintings ...)

Criteria:

• Ultimately the research should lead to either texts written, reflecting on the proposed questions AND/OR lead to imagery that could serve as representative of them.

• The research should tie back into other chapters and the overarching research dichotomy of light/flesh

• The above 2 criteria are set so my research could provide material for my graduation project / artist statement next year

• The research could result in a physical artwork itself, also

• Life's complicated; How does art fit into my life currently (and could even accommodate difficulties I'm facing?)

• My research has somewhat halted - There's moments where I feel the distance is good, and merely finishing what I've set out to do is not a bad point to be at. Other times I worry I will loose interest if I let it go too much. Then again, I think oversaturation would kill interest more than anything

• Did record Performance of 'Hiding in Light'

• I dropped out from Sofia's graduation project (Becoming aquatic)

• 
  

Individual Talk with Hille - What do I want to show?

• Maybe the performance? --> Means that I need to prepare a vidoe.

FROM: MacKendrick, Karmen. 2021. Material Mystery : The Flesh of the World in Three Mythic Bodies. First edition. New York: Fordham University Press. https://doi.org/10.1515/9780823294572.

"The brightness conceals the mystery, hides it within the light— but it is light that allows us to see. Light, which radiates out, becomes a bound- ary, too. The boundary shows us concealment." (54)

Instead of light being symbolic of revelation, it becomes a measure of concealment.

The article further mentions that "On some rabbinic readings, Genesis tells us that the first humans, created to live in Paradise, were purely innocent and divinely radiant, with nothing to hide (or to show), no need for darkness and shadow. They were safe in the light."

The garments made for Adam and Eve were not of skin, but light. They loose their concealment when they disobey God. Adam looses his brilliance, and he is clothed in leather.

Upon the realizations of the tree of knowledge, humans try to hid in shadow - And God, who's light, is able to find them out. Adam and Eve manifest in the dark, and their creator exiles them.

"When Eve and Adam acquire knowledge, they simultaneously acquire shame. Eyes opened, they see that they are naked and diminished. They are no longer the light that illuminates itself, and that is what it sees; they are no longer wrapped in light and safe there. This time, division is not a good. They have become bounded and separate beings who cannot wholly see themselves, whose world is small and constrained, and whose attempts to hide in the dark, because they are no longer luminous enough to hide in light, fail when di- vine light finds them anyway. By their sinfulness, humans are rendered more clearly distinct from the world. To be set apart from the world is a fallen, di- minished form of human life.108 To be only human is to be less, and to know less expansively and less clearly."

• Eichman

• 
  

Ecclesiastes 2:11
Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.

Ecclesiastes 2:17
So I hated life, because what is done under the sun was grievous to me, for all is vanity and a striving after wind.

Ecclesiastes 2:26
For to the one who pleases him God has given wisdom and knowledge and joy, but to the sinner he has given the business of gathering and collecting, only to give to one who pleases God. This also is vanity and a striving after wind.

Ecclesiastes 4:4
Then I saw that all toil and all skill in work come from a man’s envy of his neighbor. This also is vanity and a striving after wind.

Ecclesiastes 6:9
Better is the sight of the eyes than the wandering of the appetite: this also is vanity and a striving after wind.

Here's a more detailed look:

Ein Sof and the Emanation of Light

In Kabbalistic cosmology, before creation, there was only Ein Sof—literally “without end,” the infinite, unknowable, boundless Divine. Ein Sof is beyond comprehension, without form or limitation.

To create the world, Ein Sof had to contract itself—this process is called Tzimtzum.

• Tzimtzum: The Divine "withdrew" itself to make a space for the world to exist—like hollowing out a void in the infinite light. Into this space, a line of light (kav) extended to begin the process of creation.

The Ten Vessels and the Breaking

From this line of light emerged Ten Sefirot, or divine attributes (such as Wisdom, Kindness, Strength, etc.). These were supposed to channel the Divine light into the newly created world.

• The light was meant to be "contained" by vessels (kelim) corresponding to the sefirot.

• However, the vessels were too fragile to hold the intensity of the light.

• They shattered under the pressure—this is called the Shevirat ha-Kelim (Breaking of the Vessels).

The Consequences of the Shattering

When the vessels broke:

• Sparks of Divine light (netzotzot) were scattered throughout creation.

• These sparks became trapped in the material world—in shells or husks (klipot), the forces of concealment, darkness, or even evil.

• This cosmic catastrophe explains why the world is imperfect, why there is suffering, fragmentation, and evil.

Tikkun Olam – Repairing the World

Human beings have a role in Tikkun, or repair:

• Through mitzvot (good deeds), prayer, ethical actions, and spiritual awareness, we can elevate the sparks and help restore divine harmony.

• Each act of goodness releases a spark from the klipah and reunites it with its source.

• Thus, the world becomes gradually repaired, bringing us closer to the original unity of Ein Sof.

"It was interesting to see your work regarding light in a beach-like setting. I think the piece where the light slowly approaches you works best, where you’re almost invisible. The story you told about the fall was also intriguing. That we were light before the fall, if I remember correctly. Is that right? You’re working on different projects. I’ll list the key elements again here:"

Concerning light, I think the legend of the ‘will-o-the-wisp’ might be interesting:

https://folklorescotland.com/will-o-the-wisp/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will-o%27-the-wisp#:~:text=The%20will%2Do'%2Dthe%2Dwisp%20was%20also%20known%20as,unwary%20travellers%20to%20their%20doom.

Gillian also check out Mona Hatoum. She uses endoscopic footage of her own internal organs, soundtracked by her heartbeat, this might feel very intimate. We’re being given access to the inside of Hatoum’s body.

https://fourthree.boilerroom.tv/film/mona-hatoum-corps-etranger-1994/

Keywords:

# divine,

# sublime,

# light,

# religion,

# mortal limitation,

# human struggle on a collective and personal level.

# What moves us, what lays in our hearts, which stories are we repeating? How do all these things relate to space and image?

#visit religious spaces

# people relationship with spirituality in their everyday life.

# use the university’s resources as part of my research, too.

# I seek to learn about these topics drawing from history, contemporary challenges, personal experience, religious texts, academic research, poetry and imagery. Rather than focusing on concrete results, I want to use the next semester to be lead by curiosity, gathering input and creating intuitively. I hope that this will create fertile ground to start the 4th year with

# I want to work on my poetic ability (in words and visually). I am hoping to achieve this through an intuitive practice in print-making, making drypoint prints. For this, I will spend an entire afternoon once a week in the printing workshop. I want to write as much as I can, be it prose, poems or essays.

# Additionally, I want to allow myself time to browse through art books, to go for long walks, read poetry. I want to dedicate time to muse, to wander and to sit still. I’ve been learning poems by heart again, reciting them.

# want to film my performance “Hiding in light” (working title). For this performance I will rent two very bright battery-charged LED lamps to hang onto myself.

Sources:

Gillian, Levi Strauss has intriguing quote on myth and tragedy:

“The disaster always originates in the circumstance that a human being fails to fulfil his or her proper obligations towards a deity or a kinsman, and this […] is what Levi-Strauss is getting at when he insists that the fundamental moral implication of mythology is that […] self-interest is the source of all evil”. In Levi-Strauss, Edmund Leach, p. 80

BJA

#There is a relation between fall with regard to Bas Jan Ader and the domestic fall. 

Bas Jan Ader talks about letting go of control, that it is inevitable that we cannot control everything. Also, look at his Nightfall:

https://www.facebook.com/earways/videos/nightfall-bas-jan-ader/637824923066029/

For Bas Jan, the fall was also about tragedy and the impossibility of having complete control. Bas Jan Ader:

"I have always been fascinated by tragedy. It is also present in falling—the fall is failure. […]Everything is tragic because humans always lose control—over processes, over matter, over their own emotions. I have a deep appreciation for the beauty of tragedy; that is the tragic. The tragedy of tragedy—doubly so.”

Gillian: The Glass essay might be interesting for you (nice connection with glass), also the genre of the lyrical essay.

Another great example is Bluets by Maggie Nelson (especially read from statement 158 ​​about god light and darkness). The links to the books are in the text The Lyrical Essay. See:

TheLyricEssay .pdf

What strikes me is that both Carson and Maggie write in a bodily way, and Nelson even ironizes Wittgenstein's tractatus a bit. Like his book, it is numbered with short texts, but with Maggie, it’s more about the bodily experience than a mental quest for a logically clear language like Wittgenstein’s.

Gillian, See in relation to light, finitude, infinity, good and evil,

Breaking of the Vessels van Anselm Kiefer: Good and bad  10 vases  light chaos https://www.jmberlin.de/en/core-exhibition-13-objects-shevirat-ha-kelim

Gillian: Regarding stained glass windows, it might be interesting to look at modernism with, for example, van Doesburg and the utopian ideals they had with it. See (especially Bruno Taut is interesting):

https://open.clemson.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1005&context=archetecture_pubs

https://www.architectural-review.com/essays/craft/heart-of-stained-glass-divinity-and-wealth-in-windows

https://repository.upenn.edu/server/api/core/bitstreams/2cc11dec-5564-45a9-90bb-288638bcd369/content

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCSyYCBGgpE

Gillian: The Polish philosopher Kolakowski might also be interesting for you. He wrote about religion in modern society in a very unique way.

https://www.newstatesman.com/ideas/2023/06/settling-scores-god-leszek-kolakowski-end-of-history-poland

Furthermore, Stangneth and Marilyn Robinson could also be interesting.

https://www.abc-web.be/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/01_2013_Is_God_Happy.pdf

Robinson

https://www.christiancentury.org/review/books/marilynne-robinson-goes-deep-genesis

#Theater project organised by Gaja Caruso at 2NITE/30 people/ create a dance performance from scratch in an entirely non-hierarchical manner – Script, Costume, Makeup, Scenography, Lighting, Music, Choreography, Directing –

responsible for scenography and script writing in particular.

#Erasmus Crafts and Sustainability Antwerp’s Blikfabrik from March 22nd until March 19th.  reuse old glass.

#various glass techniques, including mold blowing.

scoby leather in the coming weeks.

#research of light and flesh

# Within the grid, three small stained glass windows will be hung. prototype for my graduation project.

# performer in the research of Sofia Murillo’s graduation project on ‘Becoming Aquatic’ – We swim, we breathe, we feel… and we do that meeting once a week since March 7th.

# Exam phase at RUG –European Law; Methodology and Research practice and Arabic Language.

#SYB – being silent and researching the fall with Shervin. We will make a small booklet out of our insights.

# reading Hannah Arendt’s “The banality of evil”; writing some more texts on my research topic and general reflections on god and faith…

# More doing, less thinking. Less planning, more playing. Less desk, more frolicking in fields.

# “Hiding in light”. video material at the Bas Jan Ader exhibition in the Koeplzaal. For that I also want to convert an overhead projector to be able to project digital video.

Finishing:

These are the things I would like to achieve next block. I guess a parameter of accessing success is whether they have been done, or not

-       Finish the glass sculpture with Scoby leather

-       Finish the metal frame and the windows inside them 

-       Try your best for the Theatre project; write the script and build scenography as needed

-       Try your best for Sofia’s project; perform for graduation

-       Make the booklet with Shervin about our Syb residency 

-       Record the performance with Linn in Ameland

 -          Convert an overhead projector to project a digital screen 

-       And whether my thoughts on light, flesh, glory etc. haver pertinence at all; whether they interconnect, or feel unintegrated.

-       I want my work to give an experience of beauty that is able to encompass the many contradictions of life.  

-       I would like to be assessed on whether in terms of material and formulation, the work I made is able to do that.

-       I would like to be assessed on whether my work is leading up to a promising graduation work with the potential of refinement in the coming year.

(FEAR; Kendrick lamar)

As Gentile points out, the culminating moment of the funeral ceremony was the roll call in which ‘one of the leaders of the squad would call out the dead man’s name, and the crowd, on its knees, bellowed ‘Present!’.65

Above the names of dead heroes in the ‘Martyrs Sanctuary’ at the 1932 Exhibition of the Fascist Revolution in Italy the word PRESENT! was repeated, and a metal cross was inscribed with the phrase ‘per la patria immortale! (For the Immortal Fatherland!)’.