I miss my kids hoping to pao and manvir and samara later.

Here is samara and I on CCSD retreat this past weekend. Very fun and relaxing but I have so much work now.

anyways that’s it

Dear Friends,

Today I ate yogurt, blueberries and chicken. I am going to try hard to commit to a better life style 🤓. I am also figuring out how to go about forming relationships with women 😛. I want to stop falling into bad and familiar habits, and try things that are realistically more healthy even if it’s unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I finally have a job, and will hopefully be ready to work when I get back to my second home. I want to do better for myself and feel good, and I also wanna be a baller so I can have wife 😛.

The goat,

Mar

A few minutes I ran into Manvir after my LGBT class, and what a blessing as I was so distressed by the information I learned today in class, so manvir u da goat.

currently in Waystation with Joy and Annelise eating my free lunch (thanks mlk) and im getting ready to catch up on my readings. got a meeting at freaking 9 pm so I will be working until then. sigghh

"hi princess (he calls me that, even tho im a queen but wtvr), I'm trying to stay away from politics (madness), but these got me thinking"

he attached various instagram, facebook, and real life photos of the immigration and ICE protests happening in San Diego. my dad and i have gotten into so many fights about politics, many surrounding the topic of immigration which we've always disagreed on. However, in light of the humongous Latinx community in SD, my dad is witnessing first hand the power of community and the fight for a greater cause. Its so amazing to have an impact on my immigrant parents, and I am so happy he is taking the time to understand my world view.

Where is manvir? no clue, she hurt her knee hope shes chilling rn. Samara and Pao are staying over tonight so that's cool

Todays entry is a gay one (slightly). Last night I was able to call Marci and we just chatted , read through the messages of the girl I have taken an interest in. She told me she told her friends I was her “online crush” and well that’s fun. But, we also talked about how we don’t fully know each other well enough to have THOSE feelings for each other (yet pray for me yall). This a good thing, we talked about long distance (not between us but a general convo) but I think there’s a slight overlap between wanting to know what the other would or wouldnt want. While I want to get to know her, I’m like dang how do I make friends again? I want to be her friend first, and get to know her but because of the way we talk to each other there’s also a sense of what the freak is going on. Anyway, I’m really just chilling on it. Who knows what will happen, but I will say she told me I made her blush (and I was like hell yeah) .

Love u guys 🤗

i am trying to improve, just generally speaking, but improving is hard and i don’t know if that’s because im setting the standards too high or if im letting the people around me dictate those standards.

in unrelated news ive been working on some photo/film stuff every now and then, the picture is a still from a film clip I took, and I added the “movie text” (it was a trend on TikTok for awhile to make your photos into movie stills) but yeah I think the final edit turned out okay! i might film something a bit more whole just as an outlet for my feelings but we’ll see if i have the energy for it

that’s all for now :)

I’m sitting in the elevator after having breakfast and making a good lunch. I saw Pao, Manvir, and Annelise briefly this morning in the sun. I get to see Samara later :)

Annelise later dropped me off coffee bc I was tired out of nowhere 🥲💐but I had another friends offer to grab me a drink which made me feel nice. Took the time in the elevator to respond to my texts from people in San Diego and check in with my friends and family.

I’m so bad at texting these other ppl not in Berkeley but it felt really good. They also were struggling with school and life and we all missed each other. I think going to SF for Manvir’s birthday helped me feel good too!

While the week ahead is a storm I’ve got a good boat and crew to keep me afloat.🌈

I also really need to get hand warmers lowkey but I’m warming up in dwinelle rn!

I kinda sorta have a lot due tonight but I’m making steady progress, hopefully the incoming weekend serves as a nice break.

It has been a while since my last update. Much has happened, such as finding out the girl I was talking to was a tad bit ignorant to put it simply. I am not disappointed nor am I sad, I’m glad that I simply was getting to know her, and realized she has some loose screws. When I didn’t like what she was saying, and finally decided to “end it” she responded quite defensively. All to say that she doesn’t like to be held accountable. She then started spreading her own story of the situation, and honestly I couldn’t care less. The b word is crazy….however, the positive is that I made a really cool nice friend out of it. No girlfriend yet, but I’m content where I am. I finally texted the girl from my NAS class who I thought was cool and she said we should meet up to get something to drink one day. Hopefully I don’t chicken out and I meet with her…😝 I miss u all so much…just two more weeks .

Much love,

Mar

So fucking exhausted. So much to do in my life and I just want to lay down. I have a gig tonight and I am getting paid!!! So yay!!! My brother is also coming, and april was going to show up as well but they dipped last second ….

I need to write an email and I don’t have time im sick.

ok bye

Feeling very weird maybe it’s bc of the weather but not bad.

I left to SF with Samara this past weekend and it was lovely. I didn’t get as much done as I hoped but I always set unrealistic expectations when it comes to doing work.

Samara and I were finally able to catch up and be present and rest. Here’s a view from the backyard where we chatted. Everything is so slow in Noe Valley. It’s so healing and also good to see what life is outside of college. I feel the need to slow down a lot more this semester.

I was also able to morn my kitty Meryl who passed away suddenly on Friday :(

A life outside of partying, homework, and studying. It’s filled with families, neighborhoods, and dogs and fresh food. I hope I can bring us all there soon.

I remember feeling this way freshman year that everything was starting to feel the same and needed to get out. I love going to SF with you guys I hope we can do that more even just to study. I miss lying with yall in the glade but I’m hoping we can turn Friday nights into a chance for us just to cook and hangout together!

College does a good job at making it seem like life doesn’t exist outside of it when that’s not true. I’m glad I got out this weekend and although I see yall very little throughout the week I always love bumping into yall.

While the light at the end of the tunnel may look incredibly far it’s still lit and possible to get there.

I went to tyler the creator with Manvir, and god bless you manvir I would've done horrendous things if you werent there. actually the biggest goat. Manvir also watched me cave in and hold their hand during the concert. srry manvir....

Just right now i caught samara rushing to class. That was amazing. I never see her on campus and that was honestly a great start to my sad morning.

I also called my best friend leilani from back home and explained to her everything that had been going on. I haven't been able to talk to her, so even if it was fo a few minutes, I appreciated the short time we had

I also skipped all class yesterday to hang out with two of my bandmates, Leon and Aidan. They are both so great to be around, and I am really happy I am able to start a friendhsip with them outside of our friday rehearsals. Leon also just broke up with his girlfriend, so we are going through similar situations.

I also so marci yesterday!! (and their work crush... LOL) Marci treated me to a cookie and chocolate milk, and we sat on some of the grass on sproul and talked about life. Really appreciate them.

And finally, maria comes back tomorrow!!!!! or saturday... but praying for tomorrow. I am so happy i miss mami so much and I CANT WAITT for all of us to be back together again.

I am so grateful for you guys. yesterday i officially broke it off with april, agreeing that we would go no contact. I want the best for them, but as I was takling about this process with them, i realized they have no friends to surround themsleves around. that made me really sad, and also made me reflect on you guys. I am so blessed and so lucky to have such a supportive group of friends, who if i needed it, would set aside time for me. I love you guys so much, and I am also learning to be gentle with myself in this mourning process.

I finally come home tonight, super later in the night but I’m happy. I feel very sad for many reasons, plus my hormones don’t help (damn u period). I feel sad leaving home, I love my family so very much, I feel like I take my time for granted with them even if it’s not intentional. I think I feel like a bad daughter and sister at times, but maybe it’s because I set high expectations for myself. But, I also see that I feel stuck when I’m home because I don’t do much I feel like I’m 15 again. I’m happy to go back to Berkeley, but even then I feel so awkward about it. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much being away, I question if I still have a place. I know I do, I’m just overthinking, and maybe overwhelmed and just feeling different maybe. Which I know isn’t bad, I think I just don’t know what that means going back and it scares me. Change is scary, I’m nervous to see you guys, it’s irrational really. My job thing is almost done, but still a couple things left. Hopefully things speed up and I can get started soon. Also, I made a friend through that whole mess with that girl, and they’re very cool and we have a lot in common. I’m not sure if I have a small crush on her, but I am interested, but they also literally just got catfished LMAO (not funny but yk) so I don’t think it’s the right moment. I’m not quite sure what to do, but I like talking to them a lot. Especially about music our music taste is really similar and we put each other onto a lot of new things. Anyway, I think life is ok I just think too much and very depressingly sometimes. Everything will be ok. Love u guys so much <333

Last month I crashed out so hard I had to go home to Rocklin but we chillin now. I was diagnosed with PMDD (hence the crash outs) and have been trying to manage it + am trying to see a gyno 😒😒 I also got an ESA letter

Mer and I are doing SO GOOD I am so happyyy 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ might bring Phyllo (my rat dog 😈) home with me but idk yet. I miss you guysss

FINAL PUSH QTBIPOCS.

on the other hand, post spring break is. not. it. my anxiety came back. and its very hard for me to wake up. trying to push through it. I hope to see yall soon.

everything just sucks so hard. i have the worlds worst living situation (for now), my lab partner is a shitty person (shocker),I have quizzes on top of test and presentations all before deadweek, I can never see the people I want to see, and my friend wajiha (the one ive been telling you all about briefly) is still just making me feel like human shit, yes I have the text draft yall have told me to write, no I have not sent her it because i know that whole conversation is going to be one that requires the attention and capacity that I haven’t had since February

it’s honestly going so awfully that i am willingly going back to yuba city tonight for the weekend despite how much I hate it there because I feel like I don’t have any other options. I don’t know if it’ll do me any good but it’s all I got,

I am holding on to what little hope and grit I have left but I don’t know how much further I can make it if things keep going the way they are :(

that’s all for now i think

I have not updated since uhhh I got back a couple months ago. 🙂‍↕️ I have been meeting with counselors and going to doctors and stuff. Submitted my DSP stuff I have a meeting in November thank god, I met with a major advisor and I have another one in a month. I feel like I’m at the beginning of what could be spiraling but it’s gonna be ok. Maybe I’ll get meds soon and see how I feel I can’t wait. Maybe I’ll also get a diagnosis for adhd if the psychologist I’ve been seeing can refer me or something idk. 🤑 I need to seriously lock in man like it’s bad idk how to fix it. I’m at library rn and trying to read but I’m so sleepy and hungry…how did life get to be like this. Anyway miss u guys hopefully some of us can go to powwow next week 😛. #porfavorhelpme

Mar

I have really up days and really down days. Its really hard for me to get feed back on writing, it can really tank my confidence, lead me to spiral, and question my value. But once the storm clouds clear I see the value of the process. Its just hard when in undergrad our self worth is so tied to OUR FUCKING academics.

BUT I think what's frustrating me the most about the process is that I KNOW my writing i've turned in hasn't been great. They dont sound like what i'm thinking. And the loss of the ability to write my thoughts, convey ideas, and make historical connections is just a horrifying thought. Partically bc i have so many connections and ideas boucning in my head at all times of the day but whats the point in having all those ideas if i cant convey through writing them. ANYWAYS

Thats academics. I've also been thinking alot about the fact that I have like no hobbies or time for hobbies. Thats very depressing. wtf. I really want to do clay but ive never figured out how that studio thing works.

I miss yall. I literally see the same 10 people every week hence why I wanted to start this up. I have no clue what yall are doing and I know ive been up and down so im sure yall have as well.

Seconding Maria, I am also very eepy all the time. Tying not to consume caffine.

Lastly, hate to add to the spectrum but Id be interesting in seeing if I have ADHD. Im like super type A out of anxiety but I also leave my things everywhere and I am insanely forgetful especially under stress. I also recently have realized the me inside my head loves to yap and wont shut up. It also kinda explains why i do well in my classes in regards to connecting ideas and political thought across readings and timelines. Anyways.

Miss you guys. Lets please do a micnic soon and get out of berkeley plzzzz. Next thing you know we will all be graduating. Gotta milk the college experience.

XOXO Joy

^^^ i wrote this a week ago, the essays were begrudgingly submitted. Were they good? maybe not. but they were submitted

I am so bad at school its a little bit hilarious. Im so busy, and yet i do nothing all day. I wish i had nobs in my brain so i could turn my brain on certain settings.

yes i am just a bit of a mess. its okay. im making lots of music, doing none of my readings, seeing my friends when i can. I miss you all lots, and think about you guys constantly. I really appreciate that despite us being so apart, we always make time to come together, keep eachother updated, etc etc.

i love you guys!!!

just thought i’d pop in considering how I haven’t seen most of you guys in a fat minute. Soooooo without further ado, here’s my life update:

honestly? it’s been like. really normal. LOL I mean, work has been solid, my living situation is so lovely compared to last year (shoutout samara) and the only thing that gets kinda hard sometimes is school I guess? but when has school NOT been difficult.. Doing stuff for yearbook has been literally AWESOME, I feel like I’ve learned so much and I’ve already made so many new friends and memories with the people I’ve met there

If anything, I just really wish I could see you guys more frequently </3

not to freak anyone out but like we basically only have 3 semesters left like that’s insane. im literally starting my grad school application next summer. I would love for everyone to be able to get together again, even if that means we’re all silently sitting at a library or something please.. I know everyone is kinda hating school but at least we can hate it together

miss y’all loads,

manvir

1. I buzzed my head —> obvious in the picture but never actually updated everyone lmao

2. Sister graduated high school in June and is planning to move to Berk in the fall (going to BCC) I feel like a proud mom

3. A cone hit my car on the way to said graduation and lwky fucked up my bumper so Mer and I figured out how to fix it ourselves. $80 instead of $250 🙂‍↕️ lesbians get the job done

4. I’ve had hella appointments in Rocklin this month and am getting me gallbladder removed in July. Manvir’s friend from yuba was my scheduler what are the fucking odds

5. There was a stray cat in the mcc garden that Itzhel is fostering and I want him to be mineeeeee (I’m jealous)

Tis all I can think of at the moment so farewell pookies 💛