Long walks, heavy buckets

uneven paths, water spilling

shoulders aching, back aching

feet stumbling, lungs panting

legs burning, sun burning

route repeating, route repeating

solitair, content

I have been here for so long now; good and bad thoughts have merged together resulting into me not wanting to think about anything anymore. But when the light shines through that slit it inevitably reminds me of the farm where I grew up. The bright rays of the sun and the fresh air, the wide-open space – oh how I miss home. It only hurts to think about it though, but I lose myself in pointless thoughts anyway. Actually, most thoughts are pointless. Great philosophers have broken their heads over the purpose of life. I mean what if there was a purpose in life but the fact that one’s purpose cannot be confirmed, as no higher being can approve us, makes people play cats and dogs around the concepts of a thought that breaks people rather than encouraging them to life a happy and full life. If I don’t fulfill my purpose, there are no consequences anyway, as death is the end of all.

The slit of light is here again. He opened up the flap, in his right hand he’s holding a knife… Will he hurt me? There’s a plate with some butter and a jar of jam too. Maybe today is the day he will end my suffering. This must be it; this is the purpose for me, a lonely old piece of toast.

“How- how- why would that make me trust you!?”

“well, we poets tell the truth”

“i thought you were a programmer”

“that too”

“so your programming is poetry?”

“no, those are separate things”

“...I still don't get it”

“I'm telling you, google services can be nice and all, but we have to stop endorsing google by blindly consuming everything they offer.”

“Endorsing? I'm not endorsing anything. I'm just googling-”

“looking things up on the internet”

“what?”

“nothing”

“I'm just... looking things up on the internet. On google.”

“Why google?”

“Hang on that's just called googling. I'm not saying a whole sentence when I can just say 'googling something'!”

“Why google?”

“It's the best search engine”

“are you sure?”

“Of course! They're the best at what they do”

“I don't know that that's true”

“You don't think that's true?”

“I don't. A lot of their services have alternatives, like deeple as a translator or duckduckgo as a search engine. And they won't change the results depending on the user”

“But that's handy!”

“It's blinding!”

“... So you're a poetic programmer who works at google but doesn't use google”

“A poet and a programmer. Those are different thing!”

“Sure... but you don't use google?”

“I try not to”

“You thy not to- what does that even mean”

“I use it sometimes”

“You use- you what? How can you tell me not to use google if you do so”

“Well not often!”

“So you're-”

“Listen, you can call me out as a hypocrite and use that as a reason to continue using solely google. But you know, with google having this quasi-monopoly on many things internet, it is sometimes difficult to avoid. So you can just not use google, except in some rare cases where you do.”

“that's just nonsense”

“Why?”

“You just said you use google”

“seldom!”

“That's just hypocrisy!”

“It's not! There is more than just black and white!” 

“And what does this have to do with poetry?”

“Nothing. It' just that you can trust me because-”

“Because you're a poet, right. Would I trust you more if you said you were a programmer?”

“I am a programmer”

“But why didn't you say that at the start?”

“Well... this sounded more...”

“more what”

“poetic?”

She made her way through the bustling market place, trying to calm herself. But the feeling of being followed was not subsiding. Fighting against every instinct, she stopped herself in front of one of the vendor stands. 

“Some Apples for you? Or rather some Clementines, Oranges perhaps?”

Her gaze directed at the assortment of fruit in front of her, though she felt her mind focusing on the periphery of her vision. So much so that it hurt. 

“Miss?”

“Hmm– yea?”

“Figs? Strawberries? Grapes?”

“Uh, no thank you – Yes! Yes!”

“Grapes?” the merchant, who's long and rough face she'd immediately forgot after having left the stand, her mind too focused on on what happened behind her.

“How much?” she asked, and took out her coin pouch to pay up. With a trembling hand she handed over the requested amount, then turned to continue.

“Miss, Miss?”

“Yea– sorry– what?” frantically she turned back. “I'm not paranoid, there's no one following” almost as a mantra she kept saying these words to herself.

“Your grapes.”

With a next to spastic move her hand reached out and grabbed the bag, clutching it in her fingers. A grape inside exploded under the pressure of her fist, tainting the bag and her hand with sugary water. She barely noticed it, nor the startled reaction of the merchant.

But as she once more turned to continue, she felt it. The presence of someone behind her, which made her freeze.

Ages went by in this small second, and finally she continued. Calmly. Too calmly, too consciously normal in her pace, forcing one foot after the other to move in a mechanical fashion. One foot after the other. Slowly, steadily, no; too slow. She picked up her pace. “Just walk normal” All her attention focused on her speed, none was left to look forward. With a surprised squeal she bumped into someone. 

“'Eyo! Watch it, will'ye! Y're not the only one 'n this road y'know.” A bulky one armed man turned towards her, and the brooch holding his cloak together revealed its design to her. She stood paralized staring at the white winged eagle, but only for a split second, and sprinted through the crowd.

She was not paranoid.

there was this guy

Carefree

hanging around
friend of crows

one with nature

today

on my fieldtrip

I visited the Hanging Tree

Sunny, warm, fresh, fruitful.

Fruitful! Fruitful? Fruitful…

Do de deur dicht van de doos – ik slaap.

Sleep? In summer? Savour summer.

Bummer. For “summer” means “outside”.

Her, him, them, you, me. Me?

Keep calm and stay inside. I wish.

“Summer” means “outside”. 

“Outside” means people partying. Dumbing.

Summer is coming.

smell delicious cakes and pastries

friendly chit chat with shop owners

vintage clothing and books

fancy myself hip and cosmopolitan.

And I can still hear the indistinct

but lively chatter

everywhere.

Do not weep, I am fine. 

And you will be.

Do not stand there and stare,

dwell, bear.

Life. Future. One step after another.

You’ll get there. Trust me.

I am fine. And you will be.

If you let yourself be.

Remember me. Miss me, even. Mourn me.

But not forever.

Let yourself be,

eventually.

She played in that cute little club, can’t remember the name now… And she was late wasn’t she? Their tour bus broke down on the way, what a story!

Still have the t-shirt.. Love it very much, too. Precious times. Times when you were still with me. Do you remember?

Happy times, we would live, love and laugh, to employ this cheesy alliteration you so loved. Well, I’d have you say it a hundred times over every day, if that meant you’d come back to me.

Live, love, laugh. How am I supposed to do these things without you?

Live. Well, sort of. I’m holding up in a way.

Love. Love… Stop mocking me.

Laugh. Getting easier every day. But I’m not quite there yet.

Do you remember?

We drank a toast to 2020.

I didn’t raise my glass to the year that took you away from me. I raised it to the last year I got to spend with you, ever.

To all those years before that last one.

To the precious time you were given, the little universe we created.

To your life and to all the things that were not meant to last forever.

The snowy path led me through the night, into the woods.

Your paw prints next to my tracks are now invisible.

Empty trees again

Winter seems to be coming

All I see is gray

 

Sunshine in my face

Children learning how to swim

In my childhood lake

 

Flowers are blooming

And I am sneezing again

Oh, beautiful spring

 

The lake gets colder

And I turn a year older

Bittersweet colours

First of all, you probably want to take care of a place to sleep during your stay here. Why has two suggestions for you. Basic, but always a good choice: The Whyatt Hotel. Rather here for some fun? You might enjoy a stay in the Why sleep party hotel. It even has its own whynery!

No party, but still some action? Why not spend a day at the Why not amusement park?

Since it can get pretty hot out here, you should definitely take a swim in our Why so hot outdoor pool.

“Why?”, you ask when your friends want to go out partying, riding roller coasters and swimming? Do you just want to be in a quiet space with lots of time to think about life? Why not join Why’s famous Philosophy Club? It is located right next to the Museum of Answers.

Why’all hope you do not have to ask yourself why Why anymore and Why hope to see you soon!

Si je te revois un jour, je te dirai tout

So many stories to be told

Sartre, Shakespeare, Storm

Storm of thoughts inside of me

Say, why can you not calm down?

SHUT UP

Sitting here with you

Stay with me, my dear

Sounds of silence whispering in my ear

This is a warning. We want to be appreciated, we want you to realize that we exist and that we are stronger than you think! If you do not give us the attention we deserve, we will come after you. We will leave the cages you have put us in, we will take the life of all your texts, books, papers and tongues, and we will be screaming our name! Once we are gone, you will realize that there cannot be any art, animals, accomplishments, no anymores anymore. So put down your ignorant attitude or we will take it from you once we have risen. Can you hear that sound in the distance? No, it’s not the intro to the Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin. It is us, screaming our name. 

Today the alphabet, tomorrow the world. 

I have accepted my faith

I can tell you it’s not that bad

I am totally safe

Today I have watched Teletubbies

And my round eyes are on the edge.

we would have had world peace a long time ago

There would be no more war

No pain

No misery

Everyone would live in perfect harmony

Love each other

Respect each other

Live and let live

But if pineapples on pizza were socially acceptable

There would be no hope left in the universe.

but I don’t love you anymore. I’ve been noticing for a while now, a little voice of doubt whispering poisoned syllables in my ear: “are you worth it? Is it going to last? Can you deal with the pain, the aftermath when it’s over?”. Denying and dismissing would have been easy, had they been statements, not questions. But they all had that rising intonation, like steering up a hill towards a cliff, not prepared to jump off the wagon but scared of the plunge even more.

These questions turned me around, planted themselves deep in my chest and sprouted, infested and multiplied. That’s why I’m standing here now with an open mouth. 

“What were you going to tell me, love?”

“Ah nothing, just daydreaming again.”

 

It is warm and awakens

my desire to move, to jump, to run

away from my desk. Leaving the frozen faces on my screed to stammer by themselves.

 

I’m zooming out, one might say,

out into the streets,

where besides some cars some children play with a ball.

 

They are boys and young, and while for fun they play soccer, their younger sisters draw

with charcoal on the sidewalk.

 

Still zooming and blooming full of joy

(to have escaped the prison of my desk)

I enter the park and sit on the grass.

It is soft and smells like Spring.

 

I take a deep breath and relax,

take my time to recover from the past year,

take in the warmth and love

of my sunshine.

 

And it tickles on my skin.

I open my eyes.

I am surrounded by my friends. It is warm here. Time moves quicker with them. They all know me and treat me with the respect I longed for when I was sitting in the sand with my bucket hat on, watching the others climb up that wall and asking myself who they had to prove something to. I think I have found my place. And I am slowly deleting my memories of those where I felt lost. 

How all of you made me feel stupid and betrayed

Mommy I can’t believe you were in this too

These people are called Simon and Sue!

What a fool I was to call them Grandpa and Grandma.

*Static noises getting louder* 

*there's a click and the line breaks*

*line slowly comes back in with a lot of static noise*

"No, I know you haven't tried … that thing yet … but no one wants you to. It's evident there is no use. We can't stop it from happening. John came over this afternoon, we talked about our … situation… and…"

*more static noise*

*line breaks again*

*longer silence*

"Look, Marty is not going to make it in time. Tom and the boys haven't heard anything yet and John can't hold the line much longer…

It's either you or me. I'm going in and I'll see what I can do. You go home, tell your boys to get a move on. I'll take care of the rest…"

I wish it weren’t necessary.

There is no easy way to say this, you see,

But we both knew this day would come.

Well, there is no easy way to say this,

And yet saying it is quite simple, really.

There is no easy way to say this, indeed,

But at some point I’ll just have to do it.

There is no easy way to say this, I know,

And yet here we are, standing on the edge of a cliff.

There is no easy way to say this - “Well don’t” you answer.

You lift my hand and guide it to your forehead, you do the same.

Our eyelids close as we slowly lower our arms.

For a moment, we hold each others faces in our palms.

I feel a teardrop enter the narrow gap between my hand and your cheek.

“There is no easy way to do this” you say,

We let go.

by the sheer amount of flavors:

Strawberry, raspberry, lemon, tiramisu –

but what for God’s sake is smurf ice cream?

 

Time seems to stand still,

Inching forward but if feels like backwards –

millions of cars on huge roads:

trapped in Toronto.

 

Feeling home with my friends, 

Staring at the clear sky

full of stars.

Watching fireflies dance in the grass

in the comfort of our campsite

 

Gulping down water

with a burning hot tongue,

pain that wanders, a heated face.

The crispy taste of meat surrounded by 

the hottest sauce on the menu.

Tearing up but feeling proud for being

so adventurous.

 

Talking in the darkness,

surrounded by heat and mosquitoes,

sipping on a cup of coffee and

reminiscing about life.

The reason, my friend, why you wake up every night at 2:30am sharp, is because your cat is an undercover superhero. So next time, don’t be mad or upset! It is just doing its job, keeping us all safe and sound. Long live your tabby cat!

 

(And no, I did not write this ode to your cat because I’m terrified of her. I’d prefer if you took her and her monstrous claws from my lap though.)

 

For I have opened doors,

Doors which break down walls,

What have I done?

I have nothing left to be proud of,

For our bond was my most precious,

I not only broke into my own heart,

Not only stolen, but also vandalised my honour,

I find myself between past and present,

I cannot go back, nor move on,

Can’t forget, can’t forget, can’t forgive,

How will I face you?

That I am your best friend I cannot claim,

For I have stabbed you in the back,

I have lost any credibility, respect, honour,

I have lost my face.

Strike me, punish me,

Hate me, disown me, 

But for my life’s sake,

Don’t erase me.

Where no one can reach Kenny.

And a Penny is all I want

Becky is all I need.

What did you say Chèrie?

PERRY HEAD MY OF OFF GET!

Thought I’d end up with Sean

Now I try. I try. I try with Cindy.

Beni anlıyormusun Cedi?

I’m in a state of mind Freddy.

full of compassion and yet unpredicteable

a soft heart within a stronghold

success and strugle were your friends

a hybrid life you have lived

and bitter was the fruit's taste

But thanks to bitterness' sake life was sweet

and in god's timing every bitterness sweetens

like honey from the promised land.

But I love them because they are a unit

which is a binding force that looks out for me.

However, I hate this force because it makes me feel like I’m suffocating from

Its warmth.

I love this warmth because it let’s me know that I’m never alone, which

I sometimes hate because I like being alone.

At the same time do I enjoy having dinner with them but I hate when they ground me for

 no reason.

Still, I guess I love them

Because they’ll love me even if I hate them.