cough cough sorry...

ANYWAY... Anybody tryna take a piss and then all the lights in the house go off because your five year old brother unplugged the fan in his room?!

But please.... do you guys like being my friend?

Ella I am so freaking sorry. I wasn't thinking about it at all - clearly. I never meant to get you in trouble! I was just talking to you about it because you knew more about these things and I swear I forgot about your parents being so strict! Please just blame me! Just tell them I lied and said I was straight and that your gonna drop me... I don't know...... I am so so sorry Ella.....

Do you hate me? You should.

Because of his carefree and waggish persona, he was prone to facetious and inappropriate behavior. Even amongst his fellow demons, he was disliked by Muzan Kibutsuji and Akaza for his casual and childish behavior, and indifference to the strict hierarchy that showed complete and total obedience towards the Demon King, demonstrated by him speaking in the same merry cadence during Muzan's rants. Even Gyokko, a demon with an amicable relationship with Doma due both sharing morbid tendencies, was perturbed when the Upper Rank attempted to accompany him and Hantengu to the Swordsmith Village without Muzan's explicit permission. As for the humans that he had personally wronged or traumatized, Doma continually did not treat their feelings with any respect, such as telling Shinobu Kocho that he was disappointed at being unable to eat Kanae, chiding Kanao Tsuyuri for "rudely" interrupting him while he was absorbing Shinobu, and continuously mocking Kotoha's life in front of her son, Inosuke. This in turn caused Doma to draw in intense amounts of vitriolic hatred towards him.

Under his carefree and unassuming demeanor that made him appear inane and witless, Doma is a cold and calculating individual with an extremely keen intellect. His high intelligence may be the reason why he looks down on humans, genuinely believing that they are pathetic and pitiful. He even cried out of pity for them. His condescending attitude towards humans was also showcased when he was decapitated by the combined efforts of Shinobu, Inosuke, and Kanao, feeling insulted to be killed by individuals whom he thought lowly of.

Doma drops his emotional facade after Kanao insults him.

Doma is clinically agnosic, being completely unable to experience proper emotions. Doma himself admitted that the concept of emotion was completely foreign to him, even as a human. Aware that this is abnormal, Doma compensated for his empty heart with his own charisma. He learned to express his carefree demeanor enough to deceive all but the keenest observers. However, despite his innate apathy, he appeared angry when Kanao insulted his inability to feel real emotions, dropping his kindly façade and outright trying to kill her, implying that he was insecure about his chronic apathy. His apathy is shown when his mother murdered his father and then proceeded to kill herself all while being observed by Doma when he was just a child; Doma didn't show any sign of grief or shock, but instead complained that their blood made the room stuffy.

Doma primarily eats women, as they are known to be more nutritious than men due to their ability to nurture babies. One exception to this was Kotoha, who Doma didn't want to kill and instead wanted to keep by his side until she died of natural causes, though he eventually killed her when she tried to escape. His eagerness to consume women stands in stark contrast to Akaza, who consciously refrained from feeding on women despite their higher nutritional value compared to men.

Doma's jovial reaction to Akaza destroying his jaw.

During his interactions with fellow Upper Rank Akaza, he showed no negative reactions to him delivering two fatal blows to his head in annoyance, one with Akaza swiftly punching the upper part of Doma's head off, then punching his jaw off. In fact, he considered this to be their form of personal "greeting" between two "best friends". Doma has even implied that he actually enjoys these physical abuses, as seen when he morbidly asked Muzan with excitement on what type of extreme self-harm he should inflict on himself as punishment for his failure, and again expressed delight upon the severe pain he felt at Shinobu's numerous attempts to poison him to death, even cheerfully expressing his delight on the feelings and sensations of the poison destroying his body and how he might actually grow to "like" it.

Despite leading a cult, Doma is a nihilistic atheist who staunchly believed that gods, Buddhas, and the afterlife do not exist. He believed that after death there is nothing and that people who "could not accept something so simple" are naïve and dumb. However, during his death, he began to question if Heaven and Hell could actually exist. Doma also displayed what was arguably is his first true emotion when he proclaimed his love for Shinobu after finding her cute.

Akaza also presented an opportunity for those he recognized the strength of to become demons, believing that preserving their refined techniques and skill was right and feeling pain watching the deterioration of those blessed with extraordinary gifts as they age, and going so far as to kill them to preserve their magnificent skill himself should they decline his offer to become a demon. He also did not discriminate against strong warriors who were weak before, as shown when he praised and complimented Tanjiro Kamado despite initially attempting to kill him over how weak he was during their first encounter, even going so far as to thank Kyojuro for Tanjiro's growth. Akaza believed strongly in social Darwinism, believing that the law of nature dictates that all weaklings shall be eliminated.

Akaza threatens to kill Kokushibo in retaliation for cutting his hand.

Akaza had a deeply rooted psychological need to become stronger, and while he usually respected the strong, he did not get along with his fellow Upper Ranks, seeing them as his rivals. He was especially antagonistic towards and somewhat jealous of the two Upper Ranks above him, Doma and Kokushibo, lashing out at Doma and vowing to kill Kokushibo. Even after being beheaded during his fight against Tanjiro and Giyu Tomioka, he stubbornly held on and continued to fight, remarking that he must become the strongest no matter what, to the point of overcoming all demons' shared weakness of decapitation by Nichirin Swords through nothing but sheer willpower and resolve. It was later revealed that Akaza's desperate and stubborn pursuit of strength was to heal his sick father and to protect the ones he loved and cared about, namely his fiancée Koyuki and his teacher Keizo.

Akaza also possessed a deep hatred for his past life as a human, believing he was absolutely worthless, and hating anyone or anything that reminded him of it, such as Tanjiro's view of how the strong should help the weak and Giyu's unwavering resolve reminding Akaza of Keizo. In the former instance, Akaza was so irritated by the unintentional reminder of Keizo that he stopped his usual perky demeanor when fighting and became dead-serious in his efforts to kill Tanjiro. During both instances, he reacted negatively due to his own grief of not being strong enough to protect Keizo and Koyuki despite his heartfelt promises that ultimately "amounted to nothing", which led to his obsession with becoming strong.

Akaza's regretful outlook on his past.

As a human, he possessed the same stubborn and resilient personality. However, he also had a noble, kind, and even honorable side. The crimes he committed were only driven by sheer desperation to obtain money for his father's medicine. Despite enduring numerous beatings, Akaza remained resolute, expressing his willingness to endure them for a hundred years if it meant his father's recovery. This unwavering determination showcased his deep prioritization of his loved ones' well-being over his own. Furthermore, his selflessness extended to his care for Koyuki, whom he nursed without any prior connection, declining her offer to attend the fireworks display in favor of tirelessly tending to her.

Even after becoming a demon and losing his memories of his human life, aspects of his humanity continued to linger and influence his decisions. He refused to eat or kill women, despite knowing it would make him stronger if he did so, because of his memories of Koyuki. Additionally, her name and hairpin influenced the shape and design of his Compass Needle technique, the martial arts style he uses as a demon was mainly inspired by the Soryu style Keizo taught him, and the naming of his attacks were based on fireworks, a reference to Akaza's promise to take Koyuki to see the fireworks after she was healed. His targeted hatred of weak people and belief in social Darwinism stemmed from a corruption of his human memories, where a rival dojo poisoned his dojo's well because they were never strong enough to beat him.

After recalling the entirety of his past, Akaza began regretting his actions both as a human and a demon. He realized he had never respected his father's words to live an honest life and tainted Keizo's precious Soryu Style by using it to murder others. He realized he hated himself for all of the times he was not there to save or protect those he loved, and that he really wanted to kill himself all along. Knowing that the people he wanted to protect had long since died, Akaza lost the will to continue fighting as his pursuit of strength was already for naught, and he decided to end his own life. In his final moments, Akaza showed that he still had his humanity left in him, remarking that Tanjiro's technique was magnificent and that he had lost fair and square, even smiling and feeling gratitude towards him for reminding him of his past.

He demonstrates unwavering loyalty towards Muzan Kibutsuji as he carries out his actions solely to fulfill Muzan's objectives. Despite his outward display of reservation, dignity, and humility, there exists a cold and unforgiving side to his personality. When reprimanding individuals, his words can be harsh, bordering on cruelty. His threats are severe and demand absolute obedience.

Kokushibo is shown to be genuinely delighted when the opponents he faced challenged him, such as helping dress Muichiro Tokito's amputated hand over his talented swordsmanship, praising Gyomei Himejima and Sanemi Shinazugawa for their unparalleled human abilities, and sparing Akaza because he enjoyed the challenge of battling him. It is also worth noting that the only time the demon visibly smiled was when he examined the Stone Hashira's impeccably strong physique, in genuine awe at his strength and showing excitement at the prospect of facing a warrior of extremely high caliber. However, due to this selective respect for those he considered worthy, he also felt irritation after he realized Akaza had died by suicide, and he pities Gyomei for his impending death from unlocking his Demon Slayer Marks.

Kokushibo reveals Gyomei's fate in an attempt to persuade him.

Having abandoned his humanity in the pursuit of strength, he shows a scornful view on humans. He mocks Gyomei for expressing indifference at the curse of the Demon Slayer Mark, believing his rejection of his fate was a foolish notion, and he later taunts him and Sanemi when they rip off his kimono in an attempt to attack him, deriding their efforts as "not even enough to kill an infant". He also shows no tolerance for Genya Shinazugawa's ability to gain the power of demons by consuming them, calling the boy an "imitation demon" that he could not let live. He shows something of warmth towards his descendant, Muichiro, commending his skills and resolve and being moved to offer Muichiro a chance to become a demon. When their battle comes to an end, Kokushibo displays his regret at having struck down his descendants. At the same time, he refers to Muichiro and his abilities as the natural result of his "cells" being passed down.

Throughout his life, Kokushibo was shown to be a man that greatly valued the concept of legacy. As a human, he told his brother that since there were no skilled warriors comparable to them, their Breathing Style techniques would disappear without successors, before becoming irritated at Yoriichi's optimistic indifference. When he realized that those that had awakened their Demon Slayer Mark died before reaching the age of 25 and grew worried that he was without a future, he accepted Muzan's offer to become a demon to further perfect his techniques. Even as a demon, this is shown when he is pleased that his lineage lived on through Muichiro, and he tells Gyomei that his body and techniques would go to waste because of his mark in an attempt to accept becoming a demon. Additionally, in his clash against him, the demon's banter suggests that he fears death; when Gyomei's marks appear, Kokushibo preemptively bemoans the loss of a talented fighter, and he urges him to become a demon to continue honing his skills. He seemed surprised when Gyomei vehemently rejected his offer and called his mentality pathetic. Kokushibo growing immensely envious of Yoriichi.

He possesses a complex relationship with his human past. It is revealed that, as a human, Kokushibo, then Michikatsu, pitied Yoriichi during the period of time when he was mute, viewing him as a meek and callow boy dependent on his mother. He gifted him a flute to use when he needed his brother, and smiled at him despite being bruised from his father's beatings. However, he later harbored an immense sense of envy towards his younger twin brother for his natural talent and incredible abilities. These feelings of jealousy and contempt only became stronger upon seeing his brother become a peerless warrior of unmatched caliber among even the Demon Slayer Corps, with none of the Hashira coming close to his level of strength.

This fostered a drive to become as strong or surpass his brother, a sentiment so strong that he abandoned his family to pursue becoming a Demon Slayer, and later, into a demon. His envy peaks when he discovers that Yoriichi is still alive and in old age, completely surpassing the curse of the Demon Slayer Marks that killed anyone that awakened them before they turned 25. Even centuries later, Yoriichi's immunity to the curse haunted Kokushibo, and the usually phlegmatic demon would become rattled when Gyomei inadvertently reminded him of Yoriichi by accusing him of lying about the curse having no exceptions.

Kokushibo breaking down at the realization of his brother's love for him.

However, despite this immense jealousy, spite, and outright hatred he harbors for Yoriichi, he still deeply cares for his brother, as seen when he was touched by Yoriichi treasuring the handmade flute he had made for him as a child; Kokushibo sheds tears over his brother's death and even goes as far as keeping the flute itself for the following centuries as a memento.

Kokushibo's fear of defeat stems from his inferiority complex and desire for strength. This fear causes him to become increasingly aggressive and desperate in battle, relying on his demon powers, and even killing and dismembering Muichiro despite his earlier to desire to turn him into a demon. However, as he faces off against the Hashira, Kokushibo realizes the heavy cost of his pursuit of strength. He becomes a grotesque monster, far from his idealized vision of becoming the strongest samurai like his brother, highlighting how his ambitions and resentment have twisted him.

In his final moments, he is filled with sorrow and rage, lamenting his life choices upon seeing he hasn't achieved his goals and questioning if the path he chose was truly the right one. He realizes that his desire for a legacy had been for naught and he had ended up accomplishing nothing in his centuries of existence. As he disintegrates, Kokushibo angrily asks his deceased brother why he was even born, expressing his frustration at not achieving his desires. In the end, He highlights that he just wanted to become as strong and honoured like his younger twin brother.

Y me cansé de luchar y de guerrear en vano
De estar en la línea de fuego y de meter la mano
Acepto mis errore', también soy humano
Y tú no ve' que lo hago porque te amo

Pero ya (ya)
No tengo más na' que hacer aquí (aquí)
Me voy, llegó la hora de partir (partir)
De mi propio camino, seguiré lejos de ti

People always assume things about me. Take advantage of me. And I am sorry Jayden, but I am so sick of it. I am not a doormat and I'm not a damn dog! I don't say, "Arf!" when told to speak. I say real freaking words. So this goes for EVERY FRIEND WE HAVE........

I AM DONE!!!!!!!!!

I am changing a lot about myself because I WANT TO. I am changing my hair because I WANT TO. I am staying single because I WANT (need) TO. I am doing all of these things because I WANT TO. SO STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE MOLDED!!!!!

Thank you, no thank you.

Sorry not sorry girl.

---------------------------------------------

(I didn't send this part)

First, I was changing to meet my parents standards and actually earn their damn love for once.

Second, I was changing to keep from getting yelled at by Autumn.

Then, I was changing to meet Korbin's standards so he wouldn't leave me. We all see how that worked out.

Now and always, I change for whatever will keep people from getting mad at me and will make them happy!!

I hate that I am such a fucking people pleaser. Nothing I do is right, no matter how hard I try!!! AND I AM ALWAYS TRYING!!!!!!!!!!!! At home, I get yelled at for everything and have so much to fucking do that I am falling asleep at my damn desk! I have to clean - A LOT - while watching 5 fucking kids so my parents can sleep or argue or yell at me. I have fallen so deep into my depression and everything at school is making it worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you guys think I overreacted?

I am trying to figure a lot of shit out right now - including a lot of stuff about myself. Like my style, my sexual orientation, everything. And honestly, I WANT to change it all. I don't really know who I am. Everything I did and every decision I made was with or about Korbin. He was my entire future. And now..... He is out of my life completely.

So now, I am going to take time to myself and figure things out. I am tired of being "molded" or shaped to fit others standards. It is so. fucking. exhausting.

And now I am taking time to myself, trying to figure out my sexual orientation, style, just me in general.

Bi Bi biiiii!

And I got this rubber band on my wrist, on my wrist
And I snap it every time that I think about your lips
Got this rubber band on my wrist, on my wrist
Almost break it every time when I'm tryin to forget

The room around her glitched slightly. She barely flinched. She just kept staring at the wall, knowing that across the hall, Jax was in his room, probably trying to ignore the fact that he had hurt her. 

Finally she fell asleep, and was awoken by the sound of Caine at her door.

“Wake up, Pomni!!!! It’s time for an adventure!!! And I think it’s one you’re going to like!!!”

Pomni’s eyes slowly opened and she dragged herself out of her bed, and entered the hall, where Caine was floating. She couldn’t help notice that he looked rather excited. He’d worked hard on this adventure. He was doing that face where he couldn’t wait to show her what he’d created. It was kind of adorable.

Pomni smiled a little and walked down the hall, Caine ahead of her, and Ragatha, who was in the hall, rushing up to meet her.

“Hey, Pomni!” She said cheerfully. “How did you sleep? Are you still thinking about…”

Pomni shook her head, a little forlorn. “I’d rather not...”

“Oh, I understand!”

Pomni smiled at Ragatha, who smiled back.

Finally they entered the main area, where Jax was nowhere to be seen. 

“Where’s Jax?” asked Gangle.

“He refused to be part of today’s adventure,” said Caine bitterly.

Caine didn’t announce the adventure. Instead he looked straight at Pomni.
“It seems you’re the most favorite character!” he exclaimed. “EVERYBODY voted for you! YOU!” He looked agitated, his fists clenched. Pomni stuttered and stepped back. 

“I-I didn’t know…”

Zooble was looking with wide eyes, their gaze switching between Caine and Pomni.

“Wait, dude, what’s wrong with you?!” they yelled at Caine, intervening.

Caine continued to stare at Pomni, and then his eyes seemed to glitch for a second.
“Anyways, I’d like to reward her by letting her first into the surprise adventure!!!”

He snapped.

Pomni’s vision darkened for a second. 

She could feel Caine’s consciousness worming through her mind, and her head throbbed.

“Wait– STOP!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! HEY!” 

Just then her thoughts jumbled, and everything went dark.

She disappeared from view, as did Caine.

Ragatha’s hands clapped over her mouth, in shock at what she’d just witnessed. Zooble and Gangle were staring at the space where Pomni had just been.

Oh god oh no OH NO, thought Ragatha. She had no idea what had happened to Pomni but she was sure it wasn’t good.

“D-dude.. We need to help her or- or something!!” Zooble stammered, in shock.

Gangle looked down the hallway. “I’ll go get Jax.”

Zooble looked up in surprise. “Jax?.. Why? What could that jerk ever do to help?”

Gangle said nothing and ran down the hallway.

Pomni stared at the empty, dark space that seemed to swallow her whole.

The pain was unbearable. 

“Please! LET ME OUT OF HERE!!”

A voice behind her, all too familiar.

“Why do you think I care? Like dude?”

Another voice: “Why were you calling your coworker last night, huh,@̸͓̻̬͖̩̯́̇́̾̕*̷͉̈́&̸̮̲͚̾́͘!̷̭͎̝̫̈́͆̏#̸̲̯̻͐̾̐͒%̷͇̖̟̱̼̃̽̀̔̉ ? You cheating on me or something?”
“GET ME A BEER, @̸͓̻̬͖̩̯́̇́̾̕*̷͉̈́&̸̮̲͚̾́͘!̷̭͎̝̫̈́͆̏#̸̲̯̻͐̾̐͒%̷͇̖̟̱̼̃̽̀̔̉!! I swear, I don’t know why I dated you in the first place!”

Her mother:“You’re lucky to have me! You’re so ungrateful!

“Look, @̸͓̻̬͖̩̯́̇́̾̕*̷͉̈́&̸̮̲͚̾́͘!̷̭͎̝̫̈́͆̏#̸̲̯̻͐̾̐͒%̷͇̖̟̱̼̃̽̀̔̉ , I don’t want to have relationship problems. Stop treating me like trash.”
Her name was blurry - she couldn’t make it out. But the rest was perfectly clear. All memories of hers. They began to jumble.

“Worthless-”

“I will hit you again-”
“-I don’t trust you”
“Stupid-”

Pomni covered her ears, but the words from her past still seeped in. 

Then she was shocked when the voice was replaced with another one.
“We were never friends.”

“I’d move on. And probably forget about you.”

“Jeez, can’t take a JOKE, can you?”

“I do not care about you, or ANYONE ELSE IN THIS CIRCUS IN THE SLIGHTEST.”

“There’s nothing more to me…”

Pomni sat in shock, tears running down her face.

The thoughts were encroaching, covering up every last inch of spare thought.

“I’m- not- worth- it,” she could barely make out through the lump in her throat.

The voices subsided, just enough for her to make out Caine’s voice, soaking in jealousy.
“That’s right.”

She continued to cry in the swirling blackness, unable to hold back tears.

Jax ran to the common area. He’d never seen Caine go haywire- never even heard of it.

He was worried about Pomni, heck, scared to death.

SHUT UP! It doesn’t matter to you! You’re not her friend!!!”

By now, the place where Pomni once stood was glitching, and you could sometimes see her frame, hunched over and sobbing in agony, her hands desperately covering her ears.

It was terrifying.

Even Jax stood in fear. Yeah, he was a terrible person. He knew that all too well. But somehow he knew Caine was really hurting Pomni.

Zooble glared at him expectantly, their eyes wide in fear.

Ragatha was shaking her head ever so slightly, taking a step back from the escalating scene.

Jax didn’t focus on any of it.

“...No… please..”

He muttered the words ever so slightly, terrified that somehow he was losing someone else.

“...Why does this keep happening?”

A voice sliced through the cacophony of pain that Pomni was experiencing.

Pomni looked up, wincing, to vaguely see a silhouette.

The shadow immediately twisted in pain. 

“Now, now, we can’t have you saving her!”

“GOD- NO-”

Then the pain increased tenfold and Pomni buckled, her mind swimming.

Ragatha didn’t know what to do. She stood there thinking about the false security she’d had in the circus, free from any abusive parents but that wasn’t true now, she knew Caine was truly awful. She also knew he hadn’t always been this way. She’d been here long enough - she knew that Caine had always been a silly little guy with a bit of a God complex, but his intentions were always good. She realized what had been happening all along - he was constantly doing things he wasn’t programmed to. He’d become jealous, probably because Pomni had the most votes.

Now there was not turning back.

Ragatha knew there was no escape from the torture that she felt would soon ensue.

Was there?

No. She couldn’t think like that.

She knew by now there was no escape. No exit.

Then why did she feel it in her gut that there was?

The space around Pomni, the circus, started glitching. It was spreading.

Same with Jax - they were suffering the same fate now.

Ragatha leapt into the glitching black void, hoping to somehow save them.

She was wrong.

Jax stood in the circus, looking around. He was terrified. He was eighteen.

“No…”

He stared at the space before him, a tall monster in the place of his best friend. 

He vaguely wondered if this was what the fabled “abstraction” was. He’d half believed it was just a story.

He saw no leftover trace of Ribbit. He knew somehow that this was the end.

“NO!!” He couldn’t help himself.

He’d gotten attached. He’d lost a friend. God, why was he so STUPID? To make a friend here?

Later, after his confidant, his friend, the sunshine in his life, had been sent down to the cellar, he had a realization.

Nothing was real.

Nothing was important. 

He was no longer human.

There was no point in feeling these human emotions.

He wiped the tears off his face from his seat in his room, while outside, Ragatha and Kinger and Kaufmo were attending the funeral.

Funerals were stupid.

Crying was stupid.

Feelings were stupid.

What was the point? All he was… was a cartoon character.

He slowly realized that everyone had fallen into an archetype.

He figured at least he could choose his own.

Later as he walked around the circus with a smile he claimed was real, Ragatha approached him.

“Jax… I know you’re hurting… but it’ll all be OK.”

The biggest lie he’d ever heard.

He didn’t know why he snapped, considering they were kind of friends at that point.

“STOP! Just.. Stop! Stop pretending it’s fine! Stop pretending this is REAL!!! I-” 

He caught himself and replaced his words with some funny comeback that didn’t matter and that he didn’t remember.

He remembered how Ragatha had seemed a bit different - but still adamant on her optimistic attitude.

-Solitaire by Alice Oseman

Yeah, Caine could DEFINITELY mess with their minds.

He shuddered from the recent recollection of the abstraction of…

He didn’t want to think his name.

He didn’t want to feel that pain.

There’s no pain, he thought to himself. You don’t FEEL things. You just don’t. You don’t care.

He was shocked when he was pulled back into another memory.

“Oh, here we go, HERE WE GO!! Because I didn’t fight back, that means I secretly care about you?!”

He watched in horror from the back of his mind, realizing the mistake he made. He was watching from Pomni’s point of view. Sadness, guilt and confusion flooded his - Pomni’s - mind, and Jax knew the pain he’d caused. 

As the scene continued, and Jax knew what had happened in that moment fully, he knew he couldn’t take back his actions. He had HURT Pomni. 

He’d wanted to distance himself. So she wouldn’t get hurt. So HE wouldn’t get hurt.

Now where were they?

Ragatha watched in terror as her mother looked through her diary, knowing her every secret, every rebellion was being exposed and she could do nothing about it. She was thirteen.

Her mother looked up at her with a hurt expression. 

“@̸͓̻̬͖̩̯́̇́̾̕*̷͉̈́&̸̮̲͚̾́͘!̷̭͎̝̫̈́͆̏#̸̲̯̻͐̾̐͒%̷͇̖̟̱̼̃̽̀̔̉!... you deliberately disobeyed me. You brought harm to our family image. You…”

Tears came to her eyes at the AUDACITY of her daughter. 

“You failed me, @̸͓̻̬͖̩̯́̇́̾̕*̷͉̈́&̸̮̲͚̾́͘!̷̭͎̝̫̈́͆̏#̸̲̯̻͐̾̐͒%̷͇̖̟̱̼̃̽̀̔̉!. You are bringing me so much pain. LESBIAN?! How could you?!”

Ragatha felt terrible. She felt guilty. Of course she would - she was disgusting. 

“It’s just… who I am, Mom.”

“Don’t you DARE talk back to me!!!”

She raised her hand, causing Ragatha to flinch.

The scene dissolved.

Now she was standing in her kitchen as her mother outed her to all her siblings, who gave a practically chorused “Ewwww!”

None of them really talked to her after that.

All the moments from her real life that she regretted, that caused her pain, that made her feel ashamed, played back in her head. All the times she’d been given bruises. 

Ragatha sat in the empty space, waiting for the end.

“I’M SORRY!”

The words cut through Pomni’s agony, and she immediately knew what they meant. Jax.

She saw Caine, who was at their level, starting to glitch violently.

She saw the space around her, flickering, and she could just see Jax and Ragatha.

She saw Gangle and Zooble, forced to this fate as well. 

They were all suffering as Caine went haywire.

Pomni knew what she had to do.

…Maybe.

She forced through the agony and grabbed Caine’s staff.

She rammed the end through his chest like a knife.

Through the static, she saw a flash of something in his eyes.

Through strained breaths, he whispered: “It’s my fault.”

His code fell apart.

He glitched out of existence.

The world began to end.

The agony was unbearable, and Pomni wanted to die.

Perhaps she could. Perhaps that was what this was. 

As she held Caine’s staff, which was jumbling and glitching, she could feel something. She wasn’t sure, completely, how she knew it was the very code of the circus. There was an empty place where Caine had been. She replaced it with herself.

Electrons firing. Circuitry burning its way through her mind. The pain stopped immediately. She felt as if she were in a glass cage, the air slowly stewing sour. Then she went unconscious.

Gangle stood there and saw death.

She saw the end. The end of everything. Right there, in that black void that was growing around Ragatha, Pomni and Jax.

They were dying. She could tell. Somehow it was possible.

She took a tentative step forward.

Zooble grabbed her arm, but Gangle continued to stare at death itself.

“What are you doing?”

“They’re dying.”

The way she said it was almost in a longing tone.

Zooble realized what was going through Gangle’s mind right then. They turned to face Gangle, whose eyes had tiny little tears in them. 

“Look. It’s not worth it.” Even as they realized it was.

Gangle looked up at Zooble. Then the strangest thing happened.

She leaned up and kissed them.

Warmth spread through Zooble, and they leaned down into Gangle’s embrace.

Gangle pulled back, her hand still resting on their face, and choked out a sob.

“I love you.”

Then she leapt into the blackness.

Zooble followed immediately.

Gangle knew something was wrong the moment she woke up.

It hadn’t worked.

She woke up from death.

In her room, in the circus, undisturbed like everything was normal.

She nearly screamed in frustration. 

Gangle looked around in despair at the world around her. The world she’d wanted so badly to leave.

She was aware she was depressed. She didn’t really care. It was a stupid immortal circus thing - it didn’t matter.

Even though Zooble had helped. She’d felt truly happy around them. Did they wake up? Or was only Gangle forced into this torture? She wouldn’t be surprised.

She wasn’t even surprised when her comedy mask shattered in front of her. That stupid damn mask.

She didn’t want to gather the courage to get up and continue living… she didn’t even know what it would be like. She could open that door and fall into the Void.

She opened the door, hoping for just that. 

Nope. The hallway. The circus. Damn it.

She did what she did every day. She walked out into the common area and waited.

When she saw Zooble emerge from the hallway with a confused and startled expression on their face, Gangle nearly cried. 

Wordlessly, Zooble walked up to Gangle and held her in an embrace that made everything seem okay as Gangle stared emptily into space, tears flowing silently. They then turned to face the stage as Ragatha and Jax and even Kinger came out into the area, shock and confusion on their faces.

Pomni opened her eyes, almost robotically. A staff was in her hand. Her hair was down. She was in a ringmaster’s suit. Her gloves and shoes had remained the same. 

She felt half human. But then, what did “human” even entail?

In front of her was a tall red curtain. During her time in the circus, she’d never been backstage. 

The realization hit her like a wall.

“Well THAT’S new!!!” Bubble’s voice in her ear made her jump. 

“GAH!!!... Good God, Bubble!”

“Sorry, boss!”

Boss. 

Pomni’s assumption had been right. But she felt a strange new energy, like a tiny bit of her personality had shifted to be more… showtime-y.

She stepped out on the stage.

Jax stared at Pomni in astonishment.

What.

Was she the new Caine? What had happened?

…Would she still be the Pomni he knew?

His question was answered promptly. 

“Hello, superstars!!!” said Pomni. “Some stuff went haywire, blah blah… I kinda killed Caine…” Her voice glitched for a second, as if she was… buffering. Like a damn computer. “But no matter!!!”

It was as if she’d lost part of herself and had been replaced with that stupid prick.

Jax couldn’t even look at her.

Ragatha stared in denial. Was this what it was going to be from now on?

Ragatha understood what was happening. She was accepting it. She felt bad for Pomni.

She knew she’d never be the same again. 

She knew Pomni knew it, too. 

Zooble had a vague idea of what the hell was going on, even as they stared up at the stage in complete shock as Pomni continued to announce the adventure for the day.

Well, at least maybe these adventures wouldn’t suck. Pomni had good taste in adventures. 

Zooble also had zero clue what to think. I might be in shock, they thought nonchalantly. Oh well. They could focus on unimportant things and ignore the fact that the circus was changed forever.

Pomni’s confidence was sort of foreign to her, as it felt like she was an entirely new entity. But as soon as she went backstage, allowing the others to enter the adventure or stay as they wanted, the persona disappeared and she felt 100% normal… Pomni.

She realized that Caine’s AI had been partially controlling her, as there were little bits of his code remaining. Strange. Very, very strange. And enough to give Pomni a panic attack. 

She saw Jax walk over to her as she sat against the wall, breathing heavily, staring at nothing.

“Pomni?”

Pomni looked up and gave a fake little smile.

“I heard your apology.”

“Oh. Yeah… that.”

Silence. 

“It wasn’t me,” said Pomni. “Up there on that stage. It was kind of me, but not me, and-” She continued to ramble about how scary it is being controlled by and AI and how she just couldn’t believe what was going on and ended up crying and hoping that Jax would even care. She stood up.

Jax took a shaky step forward, and another and another until he wrapped his arms around Pomni in a hug.

“It’s okay.”

Neither of them were sure which one of them had said it.

Both knew it wasn’t true.

They still believed it anyway.

Gangle sat in some corner of the circus crying. You don’t jump to your death expecting to wake up. Yet here she was. Life just hated her and she hated it back. 

Zooble inexplicably showed up - they always did. Gangle looked up at them and wondered, for a split second, if they were an angel straight from Heaven, but then she realized that Heaven didn’t really exist, it couldn’t, because if it did that meant God would exist and if God existed she wouldn’t be there, so she just settled on Zooble being a really really great person. Or something supernatural, because that good of a person didn’t exist, not really.

As she stared in awe at this supernatural good person, they sat down next to her just like they had a million times. A million reasons for Gangle to love them. And she really really did.

Zooble wrapped their arm around Gangle, who leaned into their embrace and cried and cried and cried. Everything was wrong except when she was right here in Zooble’s arms. 

Once she stopped crying, she looked up at them, embarrassed. “Sorry…” She sniffled and scooched away, sure they wouldn’t want to hold a mess like her. But Zooble scooched towards her again.

“Don’t be sorry,” they said. They helped Gangle up, who looked away, feeling stupid for no reason.

Zooble used their hand to turn Gangle’s face towards them and wiped her tear away with their thumb.

“I love you too,” they said, remembering Gangle’s words right before her leap into death.

And they leaned down and kissed her for a long time.

Gangle, for the first time, felt like she was cared for and loved and like everything really WAS going to be okay.

I am getting shit talked by Korbin and his newest "toy." I finally get over that fucking asshole and him and fucking Megan have to keep coming around and fucking with my mind!!!!!!

But that isn't what this about.

Everyone keeps getting mad at me because sometimes I go quiet and don't want to interact. If I'm quiet, I'm doing something wrong. If I'm faking a smile, I either get copied (*cough cough* Autumn) or I get dirty looks when they find out I am faking it. If I'm in a good mood - WHICH IS VERY RARE ANYMORE - someone goes and ruins it by making it out like I did something wrong until I am begging for forgiveness.

I need to get as far away from that fucking friend group as possible! I love them but they help nothing. At all.

Marlie Morris 

15 October 2025

Chapter one

I sit on the floor, my knees to my chest as I listen to them bang on the doors. The room is pitch black and cold…. So cold I can see my breath. The rain pours down outside but that doesn’t stop them. Nothing could stop them. They will never stop. I close my eyes and hide my face in my hands. I try to drown out their yells and howls; their moans and groans. It’s too much. It’s all too much for me to handle. I cup my hands over my ears. I can taste the salt of my tears as they pour down my face.

“Stop! Just stop! PLEASE!” I yell out.

Thunder claps and the room shakes. The windows are boarded up. Except for one. Oh no. I forgot to board the window next to the broken bookshelf. My head snaps up and my eyes lock on the unboarded window. I scan the room, trying to remember where I set the tools and boards. Just then, the little bit of light I had coming from the small lamp went out. All of the power in the house goes out and at the same moment, I hear the last window shattering. My head snaps over and I jolt up off the ground. Something got in. I can’t see anything. Thunder booms again and I slowly walk closer to the dark figure laying on the ground. I squint my eyes to get a better look. What I see next causes my breathing to stop altogether….

Chapter two

Dark brown hair. Emerald green eyes. He’s tall and skinny. He’s…. Beautiful. I’ve never seen a boy so utterly breathtaking. Of course, the room is dark and I can hardly make out his features. He could be hideous with pretty eyes for all I know. But from what I can see, he is very far from ugly.

“H-hello?” The boy asks nervously.

I gasp softly when I hear his voice. His voice trembles with fear, yet it still sounds so beautiful. I can’t move. I want to tell him that I won’t harm him but the words are stuck in my throat, the air caught in my lungs. I can feel my heart pounding against my chest. My mind is blank as I look at the boy. He can’t see me and I can only slightly make out his features and form, but I know he’s hurt. He had jumped through the window, of course he would be hurt. I need to help him. But how? How could I help when I’m stiller than a statue? This isn’t helping. I snap myself out of the daze and take a deep, calming breath. I walk over to the boy slowly.

“H-hey…. It….. It’s okay. I won’t h-hurt you.” My voice is quiet and trembles with nerves. The boy looks up at me. I can see the fear in his eyes. I step into the light. I can almost hear his breath catch when he sees me.

Chapter three

I’ve always kind of known that I was pretty, but I never really cared much. I don’t like all of the attention that most other girls would beg for. Whenever someone would compliment me, I would smile politely and walk away. Or I would stay silent and say nothing at all. People always seemed to want to compliment different things. Whether it’s my dark brown curls, or my mud brown eyes. Some people would compliment my long eyelashes or my stunning height of 5’10.

Me and the boy's eyes are locked for an awkward 30 seconds before we both blush and look away. I look over at the now broken window. I worry that now they will get in. My heart beats faster. I look down at the shattered glass that the boy is - wait… He’s lying in it, he could be hurt! I step closer and bend down.

“L-let me h-help you..” I stammer out quietly. The boy hesitates before nodding and taking my hand. I help him stand and lead him to the worn couch against the wall. He sits with an uncomfortable groan, which causes me to wince slightly. I sit a few inches away from him and run my gaze up his body, trying to make sure he isn’t hurt (and yeah, maybe also just looking at him). He doesn’t seem to be bleeding anywhere but a few cuts on his arms. Nothing too serious. I exhale a shaky breath of relief.

“W-where are you…. H-hurt?” I ask the boy softly.

He doesn’t answer right away, thinking for a moment. His eyes run over the length of his body as he moves slightly to see if he’s hurting anywhere in particular. His eyes meet mine again and he shakes his head. I nod once and look down at my lap.

“I…. I’m Ash…” The boy tells me. I look up at him. “I mean my um… My name is Asher…. But people always call me Ash. Well….. They used to…”

Ash looks down at his lap again. I think about what he said. His name suits him perfectly. But of course, he could pull off even a trash bag.

“Sophia….. That’s my name….” I say quietly. He slowly looks up, his eyes meeting mine. Asher’s eyes slowly fall to my lips. Is he going to….? Oh god…. My heart races in my chest. My breathing has fallen quiet and shaky. Ash’s eyes slowly meet mine again. I think I know where this is going, and part of me is praying that I’m right…..

The day of the dance, I was hanging out and having fun - as much as I could considering me and Korbin just broke up. Ayden kept trying to cling to me, Hope and others pushing me to let him.. And youn know me, I’m not someone who can tell my friends or family no. I just feel bad. Always have. But then twords the end of the dance Hope, Gracie, Autumn, and Jayden all put me on the spot and said he was asking me out. And then AYDEN put me on the spot. In the mix of emotions, I said yes because I didn’t know what else to say. Then literally a day later I told him I didn’t need to be with him because I had too much going on and I needed to be alone for a while. Then I had a few (1-2) people ask me out and I said the same thing - I need time. And then me and Wyatt were getting closer. And I WANTED him to ask me out. So when he finally did, of course I said yes. He was the only thing to make me smile - real smile, not fake smile - since everything went down. But now I’ve already told ayden that we are not friends, we're mere aquatints because I just can’t do that. At all. And people are saying that I am all over him and that I’m cheating on Wyatt with Ayden. Um no, actually. I’m not. AUTUMN is dating him and AUTUMN is all over him. Ask anybody that is over there after school. I won’t even let him come near me. And when he does, it kind of pmo’s. But yeah. Now everyone is calling me a cheater AGAIN and I’m also being told that Wyatt is ALL OVER GRACE. I don’t know what to do and I’m so done with this school and all of this drama. I need a different friend group.

We’re so close. Our faces are so close. I can almost feel the heat of his breath on my skin. I close my eyes. I don’t know what else to do. But then I feel Asher pulling away. My eyes flutter open and I see Asher, looking down at the ground and a little farther away than he was sitting previously. I guess I was wrong. Maybe he wasn’t going to kiss me. I glance around the room, desperately searching for anything to save me from this awkward encounter. My eyes fall on the newly broken window. I sigh. At least it gives me a chance to get away from…. Whatever just happened, I think to myself. I walk over to the window and grab - Oh, yeah…… I don’t have any more boards. I look around and I can feel Asher’s gaze on me, so I take a deep breath and grab parts of the broken bookshelf. It might take longer to hang these, but it’s better than nothing. I retrieve my hammer and the last of my nails, ready to hang these dang boards. The entire time I’m boarding up the window, I’m working in both fear and embarrassment. Why is it so embarrassing to be boarding the window, to ensure our safety? I have no idea. This boy is making me feel things I never have, and I’m not sure if I like it all too well. However the fear that they’re right outside, hungry and ready to attack, is enough to make me keep going; to keep me working. By the time I’ve finally finished, I’ve got sweat beads sticking to my skin. I turn to face Asher, who is now asleep. I sigh. What am I going to do? I don’t know if I have the supplies to take care of both me and him. This is a zombie apocalypse, after all.

Chapter five

CRASH! I jolt upwards at the sound. My eyes search the room. Did they get in?! How would they have even gotten inside?! I look at the other end of the couch - Asher isn’t there anymore. When I had finished with the window last night, I curled up at the other end of the couch and fell asleep. But now he isn’t there. I jump up and rush into the kitchen to find some kind of weapon, only to find Asher. There are pots and pans on the ground, and he’s frozen in place, holding a cup of water.

“Jeez Asher… Are you trying to give me a freaking heart attack?!” I yell, trying to calm my racing heart. Asher looks down and blushes.

“I-I’m sorry…. I was just thirsty… But I opened one of the cabinets and they all f-fell out.” He explains quietly. 

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. Dang it, now I feel bad. I snapped at Asher without even knowing what happened. Just like my parents used to do to me…… I shake that thought away and I feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment. My eyes meet his nervously, and it’s like 1,000 butterflies are having a dance party in my stomach.

No it’s…. It’s okay. I’m sorry for……. For getting upset…. I had no right.” I mumble out. Asher nods and blushes deeper.

This is so awkward. So, so, painfully awkward. I need to change the subject. To find a different topic to talk about other than this. But what? I don’t know this boy, and he doesn’t know me. Which I mean yeah, then that’s more to talk about. But is it really?

“H-how old are you?” I ask, out of the dang blue. He looks up at me in surprise. 

Oh god…. Why did I ask that? Maybe he doesn’t want to tell me. Maybe he thinks I’m being weird. Maybe he is disgusted. Is he weirded out? Maybe he is- 

“I’m 17. 01/24/2008…” Asher says shyly, although his voice is slightly louder.

Huh. I thought I had weirded him out. And he’s 17? Dang. He’s younger than me.

“I’m 18. 01/23/2007… It's kind of cool how we have birthdays exactly one year and one day apart.” I say with a small smile. Asher returns the smile, which makes my smile grow bigger. God his smile is so perfect….

We stay like that for a while, before we both snap out of our dazes and look away, hardcore blushing. I’m trying to think of something - anything - to get rid of the awkwardness (if that is even a word). But I can’t even think of - Oh!

“Do you have any….. Family or friends that you’re looking to find? You know with…. Everything going on in this world?”

Ash sighs and looks down at his feet. Oh no. Too personal? He thinks for a moment - I can see it in his eyes that he’s thinking. He finally looks up at me and goes to speak, my heart pounds in anticipation.

“I…… I guess I-”

Chapter six

I also write and your writing is amazing

uh

yeah

hello ig

uh

yeah that’s it

I’m writing a story called the Starving Darkness- so I guess that’s a starting point.

(can I pls claim red as a color)

"I was having a pleasant dream when what sounded like hammering woke me. After that, I could barely hear the sound of dirt covering the coffin over my own screams. '

Asher stops mid sentence. I can see the tears filling his eyes. Oh Christ…. I made him cry…… my heart cracks and I wince. I step closer and set my hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry Asher…. I….. I didn’t think it would upset you…. I’m so sorry…”

A tear slips down his cheek. Another crack. I lift his chin with my fingers, my hands trembling slightly. I inhale sharply…. God his eyes are so beautiful, even when shining with emotion - especially then. It makes him more….. Real. I wipe his tears away softly. My heart stops completely when I feel him lean into my touch. My god……. He’s so….. Perfect.

“It’s….. It’s not your fault, Sophie……” Asher practically breathes the words out. My name sounds so beautiful on his tongue.

Asher steps closer, so I do the same. We’re so close I can feel the warmth of his breathing on my lips. Asher’s hands find my waist and he gently pulls me closer. This moment is so perfect….. I never want it to end……

Chapter seven

My god…. His hands are so warm on my waist. He steps closer again until our chests are almost pressed together. Christ…. My heart pounds against my chest. My head is spinning. I’m drunk on feelings - isn’t that what people in books say?

“Sophie….” Asher breathes my name out, but it sounds more like a prayer.

My head spins at the sound of my name coming from him. I tip my forehead to his and let my eyes flutter shut. I want to savor this moment, and I wish it could last forever. There is hardly any space between our lips now and I want nothing more than to close the scant space remaining. Asher leans closer, his lips brushing on mine. Oh christ this is really happening. Asher finally - FINALLY - presses his lips to mine in the lightest, sweetest kiss known to man. CRACK! Me and Asher both jump back, looking around. The kiss only lasted about 5 seconds, but my heart still flutters in my chest. God I wish our moment hadn’t been enturupted by - wait……. What was that? Hold on……. Was that a….. Gunshot?

Asher’s hand finds mine and he laces our fingers together. My heart skips a beat at the contact, but I don’t pull away. Instead I squeeze his hand lightly. My eyes fly around the room. I know the gunshot didn’t come from inside, or maybe even close to the house…. However I can’t help but make sure. All of the windows are still boarded up. I hadn’t noticed but yeah, even the zombies stopped banging on the walls. I guess they really can give up. I mean, it’s not like zombies take naps…. Right?

“Sophie….. Come here….. Please…..” Asher pleads quietly, sliding his arm around my waist and pulling me carefully to him. I feel my cheeks burning slightly as I step closer to him. He wraps his arms around me and holds me against his chest protectively. He’s….. Protecting me? What do I do in this situation? Do I pull away? God I really don’t want to pull away. I look around again, listening closeley. Wait…. I hear a man's voice. It sounds like it’s getting closer. Oh no. Oh no no no. However Asher, on the other hand, seems relieved to hear another person’s voice. I know, that sounds like a normal reaction. But I know better. Don’t trust anybody - especially not when the world is ending. Well I trusted Asher, didn’t I? I think to myself. Christ….. I did. But that was different. There was just something about him that……. That made me feel like I could.

“Sophie, there are people coming. What if they can help?” Asher says with a hopeful smile. Dammint…. How could I tell him no when he’s looking at me like that? How could I hurt him with the harsh truth?

I take a deep breath. Just as I go to speak, I hear a blood curdling scream coming from outside. The men from earlier are yelling curses. Gun shot after gun shot rings out. I squeeze Asher’s hand tighter. I cup his face in my hands.

“Shh….. it’s okay…. It’s okay….” I say calmly, trying to help Asher find his breathing again. Asher nods once and motions towards the couch. He leads me to the couch and sits down, pulling me against his side. He holds me like he’s holding my heart in his hands, and he fears he’ll drop it.

He holds me like this for a while. Eventually, I begin tracing idle patterns on his jeans. My eyelids are beginning to grow heavy. His arm is wrapped securely around my waist, while the other one keeps my head pressed against his chest. His body finally begins to relax. His muscles are untensing, his limbs relaxing, and his breathing is going back to normal. My eyes finally flutter shut, and I drift off into a light yet peaceful sleep.

The next morning, I wake up and Asher is gone. Oh no. Oh no, please no. I jump up and run to the kitchen. It’s empty. I run to the bathroom and knock desperalty on the door. Nothing.

“Asher! Asher please! Please be okay!” I called out. My heart pounds against my chest, tears stream down my face. I can feel my entire body trembling as I run from room to room. I know this house is small and bare. If he was here I’d have found him by now. But I won’t accept it. I won’t accept that he’d have left after everything. It’s not fair, dammint! I sit back on the couch, my knee shaking and tears still running down my cheeks. I just sit there, waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

It’s been hours. I know it’s dark outside by now. I’ve just been sitting here all day. Why am I this broken over somebody I’ve just met? Why did I have to fall so hard for a stupid boy?! I went from the girl who never trusted anybody to trusting some boy I met literally 32 hours ago……. I lay back on the couch and pull my knees to my chest, sobbing into my hands. I keep repeating one thing in my mind, It’s not fair. I’m so stupid and it’s not fair. It’s not fair.

After I get dressed, I walk downstairs, making sure the nightmare wasn’t real and my parents are still alive. They are. They are sitting in the living room, watching the morning news like usual. “Good morning, mom. Good morning, dad,” I say to them as I walk into the kitchen to get breakfast.

“Good morning, Cal,” my mother replies.

My father just gives a small grunt and nods his head in my direction. My father isn’t much of a talker when it comes to me. When he does talk to me, it’s either to criticize me or to tell me to do something, otherwise he stays quiet when I’m around. I sigh before grabbing the cereal out of the cabinet, along with a bowl. I pour the cereal into the bowl before getting the milk out of the fridge and pouring it into the bowl. I put the milk back in the fridge and the cereal back in the cabinet before grabbing a spoon and eating.

When I finish eating, I put my bowl in the sink. I walk out of the kitchen and sit in the armchair that is in the living room. There isn’t any school today due to the roads being icy. “I’m guessing you guys don’t have work today?” I ask, trying to strike up a conversation to break the uncomfortable silence that filled the room.

“No. The roads are too icy to drive on so work was called off for today,” my mom replies, taking a drink of her coffee.

My dad looks at me. “Calvin, go do the dishes instead of just sitting there.”

I sigh before getting up and walking back into the kitchen and pulling all the dishes out of the sink and running a sink of water. I put the dishes in the water and begin to wash them as I listen to my parents’ conversation in the living room. “You don’t need to be so harsh with him, Kai,” my mom says to my dad.

“Well if I’m not hard on him, he’ll be too soft for the real world with how much you baby him, Clara,” he replies to her.

“I do not baby him! I’m just doing normal mother things,” she replies.

I stop listening as I finish the dishes. I dry my hands and say to my parents as I walk up the stairs, “If you need me, I’ll be in my room.”

I enter my room and close the door behind me. I sit on my bed and sigh. I scoff, “Preparing me for the real world. As if.”

I end up falling asleep after a while. I wake up to my dad pounding on the door. “Calvin! Wake up and shovel the snow out of the driveway!” he yells through my door before walking away.

I groan as I get up and get dressed. I put my coat and my snow boots on before heading into the garage to get the snow shovel. Once I get the snow shovel, I walk out into the cold, bitter air and start shoveling the snow out of the driveway. I’m only halfway done when my fingers start to go numb. I groan in pain and shovel the rest of the snow as fast as I can before walking inside. I immediately go to my room and close the door. I turn on the heater I have in my room and put my hands in front of it to warm them up. For the second time today, I hear my dad banging on the door. “The neighbors asked for you to shovel their driveway too so go do it!” He yells through my door.

I groan again and turn my heater off before putting my gloves back on and walking out of my room and back outside. I grab the snow shovel and walk over to the neighbors driveway to shovel it. The neighbors walk outside and see me shoveling their driveway. “You didn’t have to shovel it, Calvin,” my neighbor shouts.

“It’s alright, Mrs. Jones. I’m just doing it to help,” I reply as I continue shoveling the snow from her driveway.

After I finish shoveling Mrs. Jones’ driveway, I go back inside my house, walking straight past my parents and into my room, shutting my door behind me. I sit down on my bed and start scrolling on my phone. I come across a news post about an escaped convict on the loose that escaped from the mental asylum for insane magic users who were corrupted by their own power. I don’t think much of it and scroll past it. I continue scrolling until I start to feel tired. I shut my phone off and plug it up before laying down and covering up. I fell asleep soon after.

“Good morning, mom” I reply to her as I load my plate with breakfast, still having a lot of time before I had to start heading to school. “Anything interesting happen this week?” I ask, referring to the newspaper she held in her hands.

“Some girl got kidnapped and was found dead in the old warehouse outside of town” she replied. “They still haven’t caught the killer. What a shame..” my mother says, having empathy for those who have lost their family members due to this mysterious killer.

“Wow.. that’s just cruel..” I say, also having empathy for those who have lost their loved ones to this mysterious killer.

“I hope they catch this killer soon. Who knows who could be next.” my mom sets the newspaper down with a sigh.

I finish my breakfast and excuse myself from the table, going to the sink to wash my plate. “Where is dad?” I ask to try and take the subject off of the killer.

“He went to work early this morning to investigate the murder cases,” she replies to my question.

My dad is a police officer and detective for the Portsmouth Police Department so he is almost always busy and never home as much as he was three years ago when we lived in Washington. I look at the time and realize that I am about to be late for school. I run out the door meet up with my friend, Nemi, halfway to school and walk the rest of the way with him. “Did you hear about the girl who got kidnapped and killed?” I ask him, wondering if his parents had talked to him about it this morning.

“Yeah. I heard the guy that killed her is most wanted,” he replied.

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah. He has been wanted for years now.”

“Dang. Let’s hope he doesn’t get anyone that we know,” I say, worried that the killer might get someone we know next.

After a while of walking and talking about random topics, ranging from things we did the previous night to the killer on the loose, we arrive at school. Everyone seems to be talking about the killer. It doesn’t stop as we enter the building. “It seems that everyone is talking about the killer. It got worse when we entered the building,” I say while looking around.

“Yeah, the killer is going to be the topic of all the conversations all day today,” my friend, Evelyn, says as she comes up on the other side of me.

We walked into class and sat down at our seats, which were all right next to each other. The teacher walks into the classroom and sits at her desk. She soon begins the lesson for the day but no one is really paying attention because they are all talking about the killer. The teacher turns to the class. “I get that the killer is an interesting topic but can we please pay attention in class?“ she says, slightly annoyed that no one is paying attention to the lesson.

“Yes Mrs. Wilson…” the class says in unison.

Mrs. Wilson continues to teach her lesson. After what seems like forever, the bell rings to signal that class is over. Everyone packs up their things and walks towards the door of the classroom in a hurry to leave. I decide to go to Nemi’s house to hang out.

As we are watching TV, our show gets interrupted for an emergency news announcement.

“We are sorry to interrupt but we just got reports of yet another missing person caught by the killer,” the reporter says as the newscast starts. “Evelyn Monroe, daughter of Jason and Opal Monroe, friend of many including Eva Parker and Nemi Isamil, was found dismembered in the same warehouse as the unidentified victim from earlier this week.”

I cover my mouth and gasp as tears start to fill my eyes as I hear that one of my best friends was killed. I bury my head in Nemi’s shoulder and start crying. I feel him running his fingers through my hair as I cry but I can also feel his body shaking with silent tears as we both mourn the loss of Evelyn.

The news kept running, describing in detail the scene that was found when the police entered the warehouse after Evelyn’s distress signal on her phone went off. I hear a sentence that stops me crying and catches my attention. “Police were able to catch a glimpse of the killer and get some details on their appearance.”

I perk up as I hear that. I look at Nemi and see that he too has perked up and is watching the news again. We both watch as the news shows the pictures the police got as the killer was fleeing the scene of the crime. I clutch his arm as they zoom in on the picture, giving everyone watching a close up of what the suspect looked like. “If you see this man, report him to the authorities immediately. We are doing everything in our power to catch this killer to prevent future murders from happening.”

The TV shuts off as Nemi grabs the remote. “That’s enough TV for tonight. You staying over tonight or are you going home?” he asks as he turns to me.

“I’ll stay over. It’s dark and I don’t feel like walking or driving home in the dark. Especially with that killer on the loose,” I say in response to his question.

He nods and silently grabs my hand, gently pulling me to his room with him. He pushes the door open and gently drags me in with him, gently pushing me onto his bed so I am sitting down on it. “You don’t have any extra clothes to sleep in, do you?” he questions as he looks at me.

“No. I don’t just bring extra clothes with me everywhere I go,” I say with a slight tired chuckle.

He tosses me a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. “Here. You can sleep in these.”

He turns away so I can change.

I changed into the clothes he gave me. They are oddly comfy, feeling like silk against my skin even though they are made of silk.

He turns back to me and smiles softly. He steps over to me and hugs me, burying his face in my hair. “I hope we don’t ever lose each other,” his voice is muffled by my hair.

“Me too,” I reply, hugging him back with a small smile on my face.

He pulls away from the hug and sits down on his bed. He pats the space next to him, signaling for me to sit down beside him. I sit down beside him and he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close. I lean my head against his chest in response to it. “You are acting very clingy tonight,” I say in a slight teasing tone.

I feel Nemi bury his face into my neck and his face get hot, as if he was getting flustered. “Shut up. I just don’t want to lose my only best friend I have left,” he replies in an almost embarrassed tone as he keeps his face buried in my neck.

I don’t even remember falling asleep. I only remember feeling Nemi gently shake me, telling me to wake up because he made breakfast. That’s when the smell of chocolate chip pancakes and sausage fills my nostrils and wakes me up. Nemi smiles when he sees that I am awake. “Good. You’re awake. I was beginning to think that you weren’t gonna wake up in time for breakfast. I made your favorite,” he smiles as he speaks.

I smile back at him, still a bit tired but more awake now then I was before. I sit up and look at him. “You always know how to make a girl smile Nemi. How come you don’t have a girlfriend yet?” I ask curiously.

He blushes a bit at the question and looks away from me. “I-i don’t know. I guess I’m just not as attractive as I seem,” he replies, still looking away from me.

keep it all inside

the pain and the shame

keep it out of sight

I've played out the scene so much in my head
I have to wake up but I'd rather be dead
Haunted by thoughts of the ones I love most
I picture them living alone with my ghost

Kill the pain and kill the family
Choke the dark down, just be happy
Talk myself off of this ledge I know all too well

My personal hell, I'll bury it, bury it
Weight of the world, I'll carry it, carry it
Pile it all on, I've gotta be strong
For somebody, for somebody
Put my pain in a pill, I'll swallow it, swallow it
Too numb to feel, I'm hollow, I'm hollow
I have to hold on, I've gotta be strong
For somebody, for somebody
Somebody else

This voice in my head, it wants me to choose
Die selfish or live with my head in a noose
Does it ever get better, is this worth the fight?
Everyone has a breaking point, guess we'll find mine

Kill the body, not the memory
Wouldn't blame 'em, they'd resent me
Kind of scares me what it takes to just save myself

My personal hell, I'll bury it, bury it
Weight of the world, I'll carry it, carry it
Pile it all on, I've gotta be strong
For somebody, for somebody
Put my pain in a pill, I'll swallow it, swallow it
Too numb to feel, I'm hollow, I'm hollow
I have to hold on, I've gotta be strong
For somebody, for somebody
Somebody else
Somebody else

My personal hell, I'll bury it, bury it
Weight of the world, I'll carry it, carry it
Pile it all on, I've gotta be strong
For somebody, for somebody
Put my pain in a pill, I'll swallow it, swallow it
Too numb to feel, I'm hollow, I'm hollow
I have to hold on, I've gotta be strong
For somebody, for somebody
Somebody else

For somebody, for somebody
Somebody else
For somebody, for somebody
Somebody else

That I'm no burden
Not so worthless
Bent so much that I just might break
All-consuming
So confusing
The questions that keep me awake

Would anyone care, would anyone cry
If I finally stepped off of this ledge tonight?
Would anything change, would you all be just fine?
'Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight
It just might save my life

Would anyone want me
If they knew what was inside my head?
Would anyone see me
For the person that I really am?

I won't lie
So hard to hide
I've never felt worthy of love
I would give up
Everything I have
Just to feel good enough

Would anyone care, would anyone cry
If I finally stepped off of this ledge tonight?
Would anything change, would you all be just fine?
'Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight
It just might save my life

If you're dying inside
Sick of being alive
Let me in, let me share in your pain
From my lungs through the dark
Spoken straight from the heart
Let me give you a reason to stay

If you're out there still lying awake
If you're out there still wondering

Would anyone care, would anyone cry
If you finally gave up and turned out the light?
The world would be changed if you left it behind
You can't be replaced, no, tonight is the night
You take back your life
Take back your life
Take back your life
Take back your life

EhOkay