As well as physical violence, domestic abuse can involve a wide range of abusive and controlling behaviour, including threats, harassment, financial control and emotional abuse.

Physical violence is only one aspect of domestic abuse and an abuser’s behaviour can vary, from being very brutal and degrading to small actions that leave you humiliated. Those living with domestic abuse are often left feeling isolated and exhausted. Domestic abuse also includes cultural issues such as honour based violence.

We are using the word "victim" to describe the person who suffers as a result of these behaviours.

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name-calling/verbally threatening

Pressure tactics:

sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnecting the telephone, taking access to the car away, threatening to commit suicide, taking or threatening to take the children away, reporting to welfare agencies unless the victim complies with their demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to friends and family about the victim, and telling the victim that they have no choice in any decisions.

Disrespect: persistently putting the victim down in front of other people, not listening or responding when the victim talks, interrupting telephone calls, taking money without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.

Breaking trust: lying, withholding information, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.

Isolation: monitoring or blocking telephone calls, telling the victim where they can and cannot go and/or preventing them from seeing friends and relatives.

Harassment: following, checking up, opening mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned, embarrassing the victim in public

Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting, destroying possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm.

Sexual violence: using force, threats, or intimidation to make a victim perform sexual acts, having sex without consent any degrading treatment based on sexual orientation.

Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.

Perpetrators of abuse may manipulate the victim by saying the abuse isn’t happening, blaming the victim, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, and saying it will never happen again.

Self-care:

It can be tempting to take action, but remember your safety is key.

Spotting the Signs of a Domestic Abusive Relationship

Sometimes, the signs that someone is experiencing abuse aren’t obvious. People often hide what’s happening out of fear, shame, or confusion. However, there are some common red flags to look out for:

• They seem anxious, withdrawn, or frightened around their partner

• Their partner constantly criticises, controls, or isolates them - you might notice that they are in constant contact, or having to keep their partner infomed of their movements.

• You notice unexplained bruises or injuries

• They cancel plans at the last minute or stop seeing friends and family

• They’re suddenly secretive, defensive, or unusually quiet

If your gut is telling you something’s wrong, it’s important to listen to that instinct, even if they haven’t said anything directly.

How to Be Friends with Someone in a Domestic Abusive Relationship

You might be wondering:

“How can I stay close to someone in a domestic abusive relationship without pushing them away?” 

It can be a delicate balance, but your support can be a lifeline.

Here are some helpful things you can do:

1. Believe Them Without Judgement

If they open up to you, believe them.

Don’t question why they stayed, what they did, or how they “allowed” it to happen. Abuse is never the victim’s fault.

Say things like:

• “Thank you for telling me.”

• “I believe you.”

• “You don’t deserve this.”

2. Stay Connected

Abuse often isolates people. Keep reaching out, even if they’re not always responsive. Let them know you’re there, without pressure.

• Check in with texts or messages

• Invite them to do small things, even if they often say no

• Don’t give up on them

3. Avoid Criticising Their Partner Directly

It might feel natural to call the abuser out, but this can backfire. They may feel defensive or retreat further.

Focus instead on their feelings:

• “How do you feel when that happens?”

• “Does that make you feel safe or supported?”

This helps them reflect, without feeling judged.

What Can I Do to Help Someone in an Abusive Relationship?

If you’re asking, “What can I do?” know that your role as a friend or family member is incredibly important.

You might not be able to “fix” it, but you can be part of their support system.

Provide Information

Gently share resources when it feels safe:

• “You’re not alone. There are people who can help.”

• “Would it be okay if I sent you a link to a support service? (there are some links to local services at the bottom of this article) 

Help Them Create a Safety Plan

Without pressuring them to leave, you can help them think through practical steps:

• Where could they go in an emergency?

• Do they have access to important documents or money?

• Can they create a code word to use in messages or calls?

• Could they prepare a grab bag if they needed to leave in a hurry and keep it somewhere safe?

Encourage Professional Help

Let them know they don’t have to go through this alone and support is available for them and for you. Professional help can ensure that you have the right advice on how you can provide support.

Victim Services in Your Area - Essex Compass

Behaviour Change Support - Essex Compass (For those who may be using abusive behaviours)

National Domestic Violence Helpline – refuge searches.

0808 2000 247

Rape Crisis 24/7 Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Line

0808 500 2222

National Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans+ Domestic Abuse Helpline

0800 999 5428

Emotional and practical support for LGBT+ people experiencing domestic abuse. 

Respect

0808 802 4040

Respect runs a confidential helpline for domestic violence perpetrators (male or female). They offer information and advice to support perpetrators stop their violence and change their abusive behaviours.

Samaritans

Call 116 123 for free

They’re waiting for your call. Whatever you’re going through, a Samaritan will face it with you. They’re available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

What Not to Do

• Don’t pressure them to leave before they’re ready. Leaving can be dangerous and overwhelming without a plan.

• Don’t confront the abuser. This can put both you and the victim at greater risk.

• Don’t make it about you. It’s okay to feel upset or helpless, but try to process your emotions away from them.

Supporting someone who is in a domestic abuse relationship is never easy, but your consistent presence can make a huge difference. Even if they’re not ready to leave, knowing that someone cares, listens, and believes them can help them feel less alone.

Being a good friend or family member means offering compassion, not control.

So if you’re asking:

“How to be friends with someone in a domestic abusive relationship?”, the answer is: be patient, be present, and never stop believing in their strength, even when they can’t see it themselves. 

The Person using abusive behaviours might:

• Always pick fights by disagreeing on purpose.

• Cut them off or change the subject to silence them.

• Make mean jokes, then say they're too sensitive.

• Act like their feelings don’t count or are just wrong.

• Make them say sorry for things they didn’t do.

• Call them names or put them down.

• Put words in their mouth or speak over them to make them feel small.

• Act cold one minute, then clingy or sweet the next.

• Pretend things never happened, even serious things like past abuse.

• Blame them for everything and never takes responsibility themselves.

• Say things like “I can’t live without you” to guilt-trip them and keep them in the relationship.

• Dislike their friends or family and discourage them from spending time with them.

• Get other people to spy or argue on their behalf.

• Push for declarations of love and commitment early on in the relationship, so the relationship seems to be moving really fast. 

• Be jealous of them spending time with other people — even their family and friends, or spending time on work or hobbies.

• Accuse them of cheating as a way of controlling them or justifying their behaviour.

And you might notice that the victim:

• Changes how they look or act.

• Avoids things that might upset the abuser, like posting online or seeing friends.

• Feels like they have to check in constantly.

• Is around less and less, often cancelling plans and missing social events.

• Share their location and passwords with the abuser.

• Seems unsure or confused because the abuser denies or lies about their actions.

• Makes excuses for the abuser's behaviour to others.

• Questions if they’re going crazy or doing something wrong.

• Always ask for the abuser’s opinion before doing anything.

• Gets defensive or over-explains simple things.

• Says their partner is jealous, insecure, accusing them of, or worried about them cheating.

• Quits hobbies, college, or even their job.

• Hides what they buy and asks you to keep it secret “because it’s a surprise.”

• Leaves their wallet at home or find reasons to skip meals out.

Clare's Law can be really helpful if a friend or family member starts a new relationship and you want to know if they have a past history of abusive behaviours

Under Clare’s Law, you have the right to:
-Request information from the police about the current or ex-partner of a close friend, neighbour or family member, because you are concerned that they might be at risk of domestic abuse in future

-Make an application to the police requesting information about your current or ex-partner, because you are worried they may have been abusive in the past and believe they may pose a risk to you in future.

This is called the ‘right to ask.’ You have a right to ask the police no matter if your enquiry relates to a heterosexual or same-sex relationship, as long as you are aged 16 or older. You also have the right to ask about a partner regardless of your (or your neighbour, friend or family member’s) gender identity, ethnicity, race, religion or other characteristics.

You also have the ‘right to know’. This means that if police checks show that your current or ex-partner has a record of violent or abusive behaviour, and they believe you may be at risk, they may decide to proactively share that information with you. If you’re worried that your current or former partner has been abusive or violent in the past, Clare’s Law was created to formally give you the right to find out.

What happens next? Does the person I’m asking about know?

The person you are asking about will not know that a request has been made about them.

After your initial request has been received, the police will contact whoever has made the request with follow up questions, depending on each situation. They will usually want to confirm your ID, and understand your relationship with the person you are asking about. They will assess at this stage whether or not to proceed with the enquiry.

If they decide to proceed, they might have what’s called a ‘multi agency meeting’ with probation, the prison service or social services before deciding if any risk is present, and if a disclosure is the right thing. If you made the request for your own relationship, any disclosure would be made to you. If you asked about someone you’re worried might be at risk, you may not receive the information - it might instead be shared directly with that person.

If at any point the police believe there is a risk to safety, they are obliged to act.

What is stalking?

Stalking is a pattern of repeated, unwanted behaviour that causes you to feel distressed or scared. It can be perpetrated by men or women.  

Stalking can happen with or without a fear of violence. This means that if you are receiving persistent unwanted contact that is causing you distress but the person has never threatened you, this is still stalking and is not acceptable.  

What is stalking? 

Suzy Lamplugh Trust defines stalking as 'A pattern of fixated and obsessive behaviour which is repeated, persistent, intrusive and causes fear of violence or engenders alarm and distress in the victim.’ 

Stalking can consist of any type of behaviour such as regularly sending flowers or gifts, making unwanted or malicious communication, damaging property and physical or sexual assault. If the behaviour is persistent and clearly unwanted, causing you fear, distress or anxiety then it is stalking and you should not have to live with it. 

Stalking often has a huge emotional impact on those it affects. It can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety and even post-traumatic stress disorder. It can be a psychological as well as a physical crime. 
 

Who stalks? 

When many people hear the word stalking they still think of a stranger lurking in the shadows or a delusional fan following a celebrity. Whilst these cover some stalking scenarios they are by no means the majority. About 45% of people who contact the Helpline are being stalked by ex-intimates (i.e. ex partners) and a further third have had some sort of prior acquaintance with their stalker; you may have dated, married or been a friend with your stalker. Just because you know/knew the stalker does not mean that the situation is your fault - it is still stalking and it is wrong. 

Who is a typical victim of stalking? 

Anyone can become a victim of stalking. A report produced by Dr. Lorraine Sheridan and Network for Surviving Stalking, in which 2,292 victims of stalking were surveyed, found that victims’ ages ranged from 10 to 73, they were male and female, were spread across the entire socio-economic spectrum and a large proportion (38%) were professionals. Dr. Sheridan concluded that virtually anyone can become a victim of stalking and the only way to avoid doing so would be to avoid the social world. 

How long does stalking last? 

There is no definite answer to this question. Dr. Lorraine Sheridan’s report (see above) found that stalking could last anywhere from 1 month to 43 years. The average length of time was found to be between 6 months and 2 years. Dr. Sheridan also found that the duration of stalking tends to increase as the stalker’s emotional investment in the relationship increases. This is one of the reasons ex-intimate stalking is often considered to be the most dangerous. 

Can stalking without violence cause harm? 

Yes. The absence of violence in a stalking case doesn’t mean the victim is unaffected. Stalking can cause severe psychological distress to a victim. Depression, anxiety, sleep disturbance, paranoia, agoraphobia and post-traumatic stress disorder are all common side effects of stalking. 

What are power imbalances?

When one person in a relationship has more power than the other person, this is called a power imbalance.

Power imbalances can come in many different forms, including:

• Age differences – if one partner is older/younger than the other.

• Financial  – if one person earns more money than the other.

• Authority –if one person has more authority than the other that’s given to them through their job. The people in the relationship might work together or one of them may have a job that gives them more power over the other outside of work for example, celebrities, civil servants.

Why can age gaps and power imbalances be a problem?

Not all relationships with power imbalances are a cause for concern – they can be healthy depending on the nature of the imbalance, the age of people involved and their motives and personalities.

But sometimes they can be problematic and can lead to abuse.

Some people deliberately seek out relationships where they have more power

There are lots of reasons why someone might look for this– for example they might lack self-esteem, control or power in other parts of their life. But often it comes down to wanting control over their partner.

Power imbalances can make one person vulnerable in the relationship

For example, if someone is in a relationship with a power imbalance, they may:

• Feel they have less experience than their partner

• Be reliant on their partner for certain things

• Feel that their partner knows best about relationships and sex because they have more experience

• Feel the need to “prove” their maturity to them

• Feel they can’t speak their mind because they have the ability to affect their job/career

The abuser might use this to their advantage

By using these thoughts and feelings against the other person, they can coerce or manipulate them into doing things that they don’t think are right or that they don’t want to.

Sometimes the abuse might be obvious, other times it might be subtle and happen in a series of small events, like criticising and undermining them, telling them to delete social media, or to not go out with friends or putting them down through negative comments.

The abuser might explain their abusive behaviour as acts of love or normal parts of a relationship. What they describe as being caring gestures can be more sinister methods of control.

This can make it really hard for the person to speak out and get help.

You do not have to accept or tolerate abuse because of:

• Culture or tradition

• Religion or religious teachings

• Family expectations

• Community pressure

• Immigration status

• Gender roles

• Marriage

The law protects everyone, regardless of nationality, immigration status, religion, ethnicity, or gender.

Some people have been taught that a husband should control his wife, that family honour is more important than personal safety, or that marriage means you must always obey your spouse. In the UK, the law says that everyone has the right to live free from violence, fear, coercion, and control. If someone uses culture, religion, family expectations, or immigration status to make you afraid or to control your choices, support is available.

It is a form of domestic abuse and often links to coercive control.

Online harms can include:

• Constant messaging or harassment – sending repeated texts, calls, or threats

• Monitoring and tracking – checking social media, emails, or using location tracking/GPS

• Controlling behaviour online – demanding passwords or access to accounts

• Image-based abuse – sharing or threatening to share private photos/videos

• Public humiliation – posting personal information or spreading rumours online

• Tech-enabled control – using smart devices (like home systems or wearables) to monitor or intimidate

Online abuse can:

• Happen 24/7, leaving no safe space

• Continue even after a relationship has ended

• Be hidden or difficult to recognise

• Cause serious mental health impacts (fear, anxiety, isolation)

• Make it harder for someone to leave or seek help

Important to know

• Online abuse is not “just online” – it is real and harmful

• It is often part of a wider pattern of power and control

• What may look like “jealousy” or “care” (e.g. checking location) can actually be abuse

In the UK:

• Digital behaviours can be recognised as domestic abuse under coercive control

• The Online Safety Act aims to make online spaces safer and hold platforms accountable

Signs someone may be experiencing online abuse

• They seem anxious about replying to messages quickly

• Their partner checks their phone or online activity

• They are pressured to share passwords or location

• They withdraw from friends or social media

Support matters

If someone is experiencing online abuse:

• Believe them

• Don’t minimise it (“just block them”)

• Encourage support from trusted people or services