Ini itu cycle aku ga tau bisa pecahin dimana harusnya waktu yang ada sekarang di pake untuk nyicil pelajaran tetapi ga aku pake. Seperti minggu ini padahal mingdep ulangan. Ntar regret trs makin guilty sama diri sendiri makin lama give anxiety and depression. Unable to reach my own expectations padahal yanf set standarnya diri sendiri, diri sendiri saja ga usaha. Makin lama jujur makin berat dan makin capek. Ga ada inprovement jg sedih 😔

For example I've always been that kid who can get through school alright without putting much effort into studying. That's great and all, but I've never been forced to work hard, since everything has been on a silver platter my whole life. Great body, great intelligence, great family. Like do I even belong here in this group?? I know the solution is to just do it, I know there's no workaround, but it's a lot easier to know it than to actually do it.

Let's get to the existential crisis. As you may have surmised, I'm lazy af. It's practically been drilled into my identity by now. So since I'm lazy, I don't do shit at home. I have tried a few things during the pandemic to pass my time, rubik's cubes, coding, and those were actually pretty fun, but the guilt of not having done my work (i do this a lot, and it's a recurring problem) prevents me from doing any of that. most of my routine back then was just listen to music in my room while i pace around for hours on end, talking to myself (lowkey schizo behaviour).

So when it comes to intelligence, I'm not the top dog in my school, and my ego would not like that, if not for the argument that, "Oh, I barely study, so it's not fair to compare myself to them." Like okay?? Good for me ig, but I know I can be better. Like, I wanna go abroad with a full scholarship right, but my current scores don't cut it. BRO I KNOW I CAN DO IT BUT I JUST DON'T CUZ I DON'T WANNA. I'm a goddamn manchild. It's not even like I don't like my studies, I actually think they're pretty cool, but still I DON'T DO ANYTHING.

Ok let's get to social life hahahahahaha. I'm not some isolated introvert or anything, it's just that I haven't found those fellas for life. I mean maybe I have and just haven't gotten close to them yet, but either way I got none rn. I don't talk about my worries to anyone soooo yeah I end up venting like this a lot anonymously (like in those discord vent channels 💀)

Oh and there's also romantic relationships. I think my current view of them, whether I wanna admit it or not, is as a crux for my loneliness. I've met 2 amazing people who I still talk to to this day. But it stings lowkey, knowing the romance could never flourish with either of them. I think I gotta learn to love myself a little more before I try love other people.

Like I could fix this if I just hit the gym, started investing more time into my hobbies (potentially blooming one of them into a passion), spent more time with family, be more selective with my friends (cuz lowkey some of the people around me be problematic bruh).

AH I'M LAZY I'M GONNA STOP WRITING HAHAHA just know that this isn't even the half of it

• this stuff isn't part of the rant, I just lost focus sometimes while writing this

i wish i was caked up

😢🚫🍑

I AM DENIED MY BIRTHRIGHT

oh hey i actually do feel better when i vent it out like this 😳

have fun writing a comment for this one random anonymous person 😈😈

also it's so weird how i'm venting on a platform that i used in school during the pandemic...

oh also here's a random sosng it's pretty chill ngl

https://open.spotify.com/track/6qzTbAFDX82BxJIBbdKPH8?si=UxzwSlxhQe6qHLfiKVbBeQ&utm_source=copy-link

It was just yesterday that I thought I was ready to say ‘I want to live’. Frankly,as soon as I ran to the other side, I was faced with the question of ‘what will I live for?’ And right after that moment, I sought desperately, I sought for him, I sought for Economics to dedicate myself, to a nostalgic yet intense high school life, or the passion of writing, yet none of them will accept me for who I am now. Nobody gives before taking. And here I am faced with my responsibilities, these are contracts I made with those above that I sought for, contracts I made with the devil. I know that eventually the real answer is self love, something so vague that I came clueless about it, yet I still made those contracts. There is even one contract I had before birth. ‘Whatever happens to you is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.’ Why? It would have been better if it was my fault, wouldn’t it? But it isn’t. I just happen to be born in this unjust world.

I wonder how will it be if I yielded myself to depravity. It felt like being impaled in the heart with a dagger you cannot touch or see. My body, upon my shoulders, felt weighed with insurmountable flaws. It felt like sinking in the ocean with your limbs tied, facing upwards to the light that went more and more distant, more and forevermore cold. The question isn’t even ‘why does this happen to me?’, but ‘what is this?’. No matter how many times it caught me, it always felt foreign. And the manner it caught me, there are no question, even in the beginning of the day when I opened my eyes, even with a cheerful mind, even with no memories of tragedy,  it caught me and plunge me back into the ocean. How would anyone understand me when I myself can’t understand what is happening? I know sleeping won’t end this feeling, but I can run away to the land of dreams even if it’s just for a while. One thing I know about this is that this is painful. Or am I just weak? 

To motivate myself, I remind myself what I want and why I'm doing all of this. But it's not exactly working and honestly at this point giving up and dropping out seems like the most likely outcome.

(BTW I would like to apologize to the creators of this forum, I genuinely forgot to post this week, I am so sorry 🙏)

(I will be switching from english to Bahasa Indonesia frequently btw)

soooooo I'm a part of drama for LiVi and it has been a stressful view weeks. Jadi kyk yg perform bagian drama tapi yg kyk ikut campur banyak banget bjir (bole curse ga si disini, if not I'm so sorry) like wth 😭😭😭 anyways pokoknya susah dah trus BANYAK YANG GA AKTIF 😀👋 BYE- IM SO DONE YALL, jadi please kalo kalian ikut kyk cca or organisasi gtu2 PLEASE BANGET AKTIF DAN JANGAN JDI BEBAN KARENA NYUSAHIN BANGET HUHUHUUHUUHU

oke next, liburan panjang bener hahahahaaha 😃😄 Do you guys have any ideas on what I should do? Ada PR math sihhhhh tapi males :( Like who does math hw on holidays? (well tbh i will kalo bener2 gatau mau ngapain hahahaha)

itu doang sih for now, sektor2 dan bagian2 kehidupan gw yg lainnya so far masi aman cuma itu dua aja, drama & idk what to do for the rest of the week :D

It was just a few days after I started reading the journals of Saint Bernadette. Love is joy, as much as it is inseparable from suffering. One would only imagine heaven full of love, joy, as well as suffering. My friends in misery, there is a thin string dividing paradise and gehenna, because meaningful suffering is paradise, and empty pleasure… is hell. Hence it is always good to remember that your choices are what eventually led you to where you are now, although they may not be entirely your fault. 

still not really disciplined about studying, i'm not one of those crazy crazies that study day and night. i mean i'm writing this instead of studying bio and chem for me quizzes tomorrow. eh whatever i'll be fine.

family is cool like, we cool. i mean we was always cool, but ig we cooler now. i think i appreciate family more now. pretty cool 👍. i still get irritated by them sometimes though. i think i might go to bed soon.

i still get like down like a debby downer pretty often, not like i don't have fun, just i'm not a 24/7 poppy anymore. luckily i'm p sure i'm over that one speicifc person horhor. still tryna love myself tho. love life does not exist lawlll. i can't be bothered to put in the energy for a relatoinship hahaha.

yk when someone's talking to you and you just don't care, but you just pretend liek you do? i do that pretty often, not to say i'm annoyed, it's more like i'm not focused and i zone out. like everyone who's known me since last year tells me i'm different now. tbh not much has changed since the last post i made.

i still feel like i should do more. i know i'm gonna look back at my school life and regret that i didn't do much with it. i know i'll regret it once it's gone, but i don't realize that fact yet. it's not real to me yk. the future still isn't real to me. i live in stasis, immune to the past and future, stuck in a slice of now. man i don't even feel like i'm pouring my heart out with this. i still don't vent to my friends. i think i wanna meet new people, or perhaps i should rediscover the people i think i alr know. FONK I don't have the enrgy to carke about other people enough to do that.

yk most people don't genuinely care unless you're on your deathbed, that's why i like stories with that sort of a premise. the kind where a character is about to die soon, because that urgency pushes the character to do what they want. i feel like if i was in that situation, told i'd only have a few months left to live, i would probably still procrastinate on what i want till the very end. it's a comfortable discomfort, the refusal to act and the acceptance of the boiling pot of stress over stuff i should've done a long time ago.

forgive this brain fart of a message. TL;dr is that i did a thing which made me feel better but i can't do it for now. i can't be bothered to write as much thiss time mannnn.

i'm gonna stop writing and go to bed. i'm not in the mood to use my brain. i wish i could just slseep forever. maybe i'll write again soon. see you.