Even if I expected it never meant I was ready 

The selfish side of me is glad 

That I never have to set foot in that house again 

Dust and mildew filling my lungs no more 

The yelling is gone from my bleeding ears 

Still, I miss the simple times 

Playing games and watching videos 

Laughing and wrestling 

I will miss his bad food 

And his rotting garden 

I will miss the ants crawling on my skin, under it too 

And the choking hold he had on my life 

 

I am free but it doesn’t feel right 

 

 

Leaving that life behind 

Up on a throne all draped in gold and glow

          Sits a god that abandon me long ago

I screamed in agony and cried my pain

          while he sat pretty and watched me go insane

I clasped my hands in praise hoping he’d forgive my sins

          But all he did was watch and from his paintings grin

Was it my fault he never seemed to care

          Everything he did was fair

Did I make him mad with my constant pleads

          Is there something flawed in my list of needs

Will he ever take me back after I turned away

          The church grimaced at me when I strayed

Your god abandon me long ago, yet I can’t seem to figure out

          Why was I never enough, could never amount

If everything I did and do is planned

          Then what kind of God subjects his children to such demands

I cried to him when I was at my ledge

          He let me fall endlessly from the edge

Did I not satisfy him enough to have much worth

          Or was I just cursed with this disregard from birth

I’m told he loves me more than I know

          But where was he all those tear-stained nights ago

Please God take me back

          I promise I never meant to run far from your track

I promise I just want your endless love

          Please just take my heart and soul with you above

Just let me be the perfect little girl my mom wanted to raise

          Free me from the guilt of myself and all the madness in the haze

Why am I deserving of this mess with everything up in flames

          Why do I have to be the one my family shames

Why do you ignore my cries and screams and shrieks

          You let me spiral hopelessly all those weeks

Am I the one at fault for all this pain and hurt

          Or can I blame you, my mother, and the churches disconcert

Please God come down from that throne up in the heavens

          Claim my heart and soul and all my cries of confession

I swear I’ll put on a halo and your feathered angel wings

          All I want is for you to help me even if it stings

Why won’t your church take me back, I’ve done everything demanded

          I did anything and everything commanded

But I guess your throne draped in gold and glow is a comfy spot

          I guess you’ll take everything I give, and everything I got

Stay up in your kingdom oh merciful God

          For I’m your servant and I’ll upkeep your righteous façade