Master Yourself : Create Positive Results For Kids by Andrew Mcneely https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming How to keep my cool, encourage, empower, and avoid shaming students. en-us 2016-07-01 19:18:51 UTC 2023-04-05 07:21:16 UTC hello@padlet.com Love and Logic Strategies mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115825827 from Love and Logic and The Art of Education,
Provide choices for a solution.
If you have students that are having a difficult time dealing with tough situations or making good decisions, you can help them out by offering a few solutions they can choose to pursue. In this way, you allow them to take charge of their own problems and learn to build healthy relationships with others. A phrase you might consider is:

“I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like to hear some ideas about what other people have done (or might do) in your situation?”

]]> 2016-07-01 19:21:17 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115825827 Notes from Love and Logic: Magic for Early Childhood book mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115826028 **this book had some random bad mojo in it about kids using crack and how this system is the best and the only. With that, though, was a lot of good stuff.


Battles over control create tension and make warriors out of otherwise peaceful people.  Give  control away when you don't need it, so you can get some back when you do. 

A child's ability to make choices, within the safety of limits, is the foundation of responsibility and wisdom.

Consequences + Anger = More Anger
Empathy + Consequences + Learning

Be strict and loving. Provide a strong dose of empathy BEFORE delivering consequences.

When we use empathy, the kids' reasoning brain turns on. When we use threats or frustration or sarcasm, thinking turns off and kids turn to fight or flight.

Use empathy and kids will think, and learn about problem solving.

The mistake is the bummer, not the child.

Choices: Offer two options, each a choice that makes me happy. If they don't choose in 10 seconds, I should choose.

Replace lectures, warnings, and lots of words with simple ACTIONS.

Don't warn, lecture, or remind. Let actions (consequences) speak louder than words.

Empathy soaks up emotions.

When something a student does bums you out, say, "I'm having an energy drain". "When you lie, it drains my energy. How are you going to put it back?" When they don't know, offer ideas and choice. When you do... it give me energy back.

Replace anger and frustration with empathy.

Set limits you can enforce.

Give away the control you don't need.

The more frustrated I get, the more monster-like a struggling kid will get with a tantrum.

Children who solve their own problems feel better about themselves.

Real world consequences often happen without warning.

Kid, you get attention by behaving and being nice. You will get no attention by acting nasty. Pay more attention happy times, and give less for bad behavior. 

When kids whine, tell them you can't hear them when they use their whiney voices. They need big voices.

To strengthen a bond, use "I noticed..." statements. Avoid calling things good* or bad. Build a relationship by noticing. *not always.

Happiness comes from doing great things, not getting great things. Kids feel good when they work hard and accomplish good things. Chores are an excellent way to make this happen. Give choices about chores and avoid saying, "do it now."

]]> 2016-07-01 19:32:41 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115826028 Instead of <i>dismissing</i> a student's feelings, you can: mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115881522 1. Identify the student's feelings. "You sound very disappointed. It can be upsetting to know the answer and lose points in a quick mistake."
2. Acknowledge the student's feelings with a sound or just one word. "Oh." "Mmm." "I see.
3. Give the student in fantasy what you can't give them in reality. "Wouldn't it be great if you had a magic pencil that would stop writing if you were going to make a mistake."
4. Accept the student's feelings even as you stop unacceptable behavior. "You're still so angry about  that.... You're kicking your desk. I can't allow that. But you can tell me more about what's upsetting you. Or you can draw it.
* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish]]> 2016-07-04 04:26:01 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115881522 Instead of <i>questioning</i> and criticizing, you can: mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115881859 1. Describe the problem. "I see wet paint all over the floor."
2. Give information. "Its easier to remove paint before it dries."
3. Offer a choice pointing out what needs to be done. "You can clean it up with a wet rag or sponge."
4. Describe what you feel. "I don't like seeing the floor splattered with paint."
5. Be playful (use another voice or accent).

* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish]]> 2016-07-04 04:42:54 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115881859 Instead of <i>threatening</i> punishment, you can: mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115881924 1. Point out a way to be helpful. "I hear your frustration. It would be helpful if you could express it without cursing."
2. Express your strong disapproval (without attacking character). "That kind of language upsets me."
3. State your expectations. "I expect you to find some other way to let me know how angry you are."
4. Show the student how to make amends. "What I'd like to hear is a list of strong words you could use instead of the ones you just did. Think about it."
5. Offer a choice. "You can curse to yourself - in your head - or you can use words that won't offend anyone."

And if the student continues....

6. Let the student experience the consequences of their behavior. "When I hear those words, I lose all desire to help you - with math or anything else."

* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish]]> 2016-07-04 04:47:22 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115881924 Problem solving mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882024 1. Listen to the student's feelings and needs.
2. Summarize the student's point of view.
3. Express your feelings and needs.
4. Invite the student to brainstorm with you.
5. Write down all ideas - without evaluating. This is powerful. WRITE IT DOWN!
6. Decide together which ideas you like/don't like and how you plan to put them into action.

* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish]]> 2016-07-04 04:53:24 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882024 Freeing a student from playing a role mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882107 Instead of labeling a student:
1. Look for opportunities to show the student a new picture of themselves.
2. Put the student in a role/situation where they can see themselves differently.
3. Let the student overhear you say something positive about them.
4. Model the behavior you'd like to see.
5. Remind the student of their past accomplishments.
6. State your feelings/expectations.

* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish]]> 2016-07-04 04:57:56 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882107 Choice isn't always the answer mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882160 "When a student has strong negative feelings about doing something, they can experience a choice as manipulation or entrapment. Before they can even begin to entertain the options offered, they need to know that you understand their resistance.
* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish]]> 2016-07-04 05:01:33 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882160 Upset = can't learn mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882213 "When students are upset, they can't concentrate or absorb new material. If we want to free their minds to think and learn, then we have to deal respectfully with their emotions."
* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish]]> 2016-07-04 05:03:07 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882213 Don't dismiss kids' feelings mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882251 If I immediately deny their feelings, I dismiss them and negate my whole "we should express our feelings" vibe. I am saying, "You're wrong to feel what you feel. Listen to me instead." This leaves kids feeling stupid and inadequate.
* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish]]> 2016-07-04 05:05:18 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882251 Create positive responses mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882301 * From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish]]> 2016-07-04 05:08:56 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882301 Reconsider isolating mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882329 "As an adult you can imagine how resentful and humiliated you would feel if someone forced you into isolation for something you said or did."
* From How to Talk So Kids Can Learn by Faber & Mazlish]]> 2016-07-04 05:10:18 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/115882329 Reframing  mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/117020511 Practice, get a frame, model. Help kids and self turn disaster thoughts into more realistic thinking. ]]> 2016-07-26 20:05:21 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/117020511 From cult of ped mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/117020739 "When the kids start to get ramped up, instead of yelling from across the room to settle down... I get closer. When the kids are starting to argue, instead of yelling above their voices to get along... I get closer. When the kids are ignoring my requests, instead of yelling my request louder... I get closer." So one way to head off your yelling is to just physically move yourself to where they are. Not only will that proximity get their attention, it will make yelling basically unnecessary." 

"Harris also recommends using as few words as possible, rather than delivering a long lecture: "The more you limit your words, the less you're going to get into a power struggle."]]> 2016-07-26 20:13:56 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/117020739 Shaming students = disconnecting a connection mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/117146005 "As a researcher, I do believe that shame is present in every school and in every classroom. As long as people are hardwired for connection, the fear of disconnection (aka shame) will always be a reality. I don’t believe shame-free exists but I do believe shame-resilience exists and that there are teachers creating worthiness-validating, daring classrooms every single today."]]> 2016-07-28 16:21:24 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/117146005 Wordless directions mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/118050504 Help kids save face, give options. Use  flash cards that show what they need to do. Walk away. Don't tell them again. Give them time.]]> 2016-08-11 19:33:33 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/118050504 Power Struggles mcneely_andrew https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/275380308 If you notice you are trying to "force" a student to do anything. They are non-responsive or just not really doing it. Or even, arguing with you.... (And... if the options below are open to you)

STOP. Then say aloud, in front of everyone (since they're probably already watching), "I notice we are in a power struggle. This is not going to help you. It is my job to help you. This is not going to help me either, I'm getting frustrated, mad, upset (whatever... just name it!). So, I'm going to help us both by just letting this go. You do whatever you need to to cool down and I'll try and show you how much I care about you after a little while." Then, let the kid do whatever, waste time, read, sulk in the corner (popular). 

After a little while, when you can. Go to the kid and apologize for losing your cool. Let them know that its your job to help them, including helping them move out of their current funk, so they can learn, have fun, and love school. Use "I noticed" words to describe their behavior. Tell them (and mean it) that they are not in trouble, at all. Say, "Even I have a hard time sometimes, and I need to start over. I want to start over with you. To do this, could you..." then ask them not to do whatever they were doing/not doing, and tell them you know they can do better. Engage them in the ongoing lesson, toss them a ball, do whatever you need to in order to get them to smile or regain a presence in the group. 

This is re-connecting a disconnection. In order for the kids to learn, they need to feel connected to you in a positive way. NOTHING is worth disconnecting a student from you, from learning, from loving school. This is a practice. Practice.]]> 2018-08-26 16:46:22 UTC https://padlet.com/mcneely_andrew/stopshaming/wish/275380308