When we first meet a stranger, we instinctively find out their vulnerabilities. This is what we do when making new friends. However, when it comes to our turn, we constantly strive to hide our vulnerability. We seem not to have the courage to convey our deepest worries, doubts, and opinions. Also, as perfectionists, I and other perfectionists hardly dare to face our vulnerability and display it to the public. That is because we believe we are supposed to be perfect. This is the belief we keep from childhood that does not allow us to accept our vulnerability. In other words, pursuing perfection is a major block of exposing our vulnerabilities. When we are seeking perfection to cover our vulnerabilities, we already lost some friendships.

Brené Brown explains the connection between perfectionism and vulnerability and uses this link to highlight the significance of vulnerability (Schawbel,2013). She compared perfectionism to "a twenty-ton barrier" that hides our true selves from the eyes of others (Schawbel,2013). I came to understand that aiming for perfection is not desirable as a result of this example. Perfectionism provides us with a lot of pressure. We experience a lot of pressure because we don't want to own our flaws, especially when we are obsessed with perfection and refuse to accept perfection. As a result, our quest for unattainable perfection causes us extra mental stress. When we embrace our vulnerability and actively display our flaws, we become more authentic.

Before now, I lacked this quality. I put a lot of pressure on myself in high school by constantly attempting to present a flawless picture to earn a higher impression and reputation. However, I lost several friends because of this. To demonstrate my "perfection," I took up most of the physics lab work and tried to come up with the best expression for them. I experimented to test the speed of objects and measure the distance they traveled only by myself. And then I wrote the lab report by myself although I lacked the necessary skills, which is good writing skills, to do so. I was unwilling to display my weakness and let the other members of the group participate in the work while I was under a lot of strain. I thus produced a poorly graded lab report that was deficient in many areas, and as a result, my flaws were completely displayed to my classmates. I also missed out on the chance to get along with the other members of the group since I lowered their grades.

Brené Brown's interview has helped me to be more able to accept my vulnerability and more confident. To accept vulnerability, the most important thing to do is to solve and face fear. My biggest fear is the fear of failure. In the interview, Myshkin Ingawale, a TED fellow, had an invention that succeeded in reducing neonatal mortality in India. And he had thirty-two failed inventions before he succeeded. Failure didn't make him feel disappointed, on the contrary, he kept going and eventually reduced the infant mortality rate by half with efficient testing for anemia (Schawbel,2013). From his example, I learned how to face my vulnerability correctly, and the solution is to keep going. I will become more confident because I know I will be successful eventually.

Works Cited

Schawbel, Dan. “Brene Brown: How Vulnerability Can Make Our Lives Better.” Forbes, Forbes Magazine, 12 Oct. 2022, www.forbes.com/sites/danschawbel/2013/04/21/brene-brown-how-vulnerability-can-make-our-lives-better/Accessed 3 October 3, 2023.

Vaughan-Lee, Emmanel “Laugh Clown Laugh” , https://www.globalonenessproject.org/library/films/laugh-clown-laugh. Accessed 3 October 3, 2023.

In both Ma’s article and Kimmerer’s video, there is enough evidence for us to know how to treat others in a way with respect and positive feelings. I learned not only how to treat others but also how to treat non-human species. In this essay, I will explore the idea that we should extend the same level of respect to non-human species as we do for humans, focusing on empathy and the story of the sky woman.

In Ma’s article, he claimed that empathy is a “key tool” for us to imagine others’ “thoughts, feeling, and perceiving” (Ma, 2014). Empathy not only enriches our interactions but also offers opportunities for self-improvement. When we apply empathy in our dealings with others, we can genuinely comprehend their experiences. This behavior is in itself a way of respecting the other person and esteeming them as important as ourselves. In this way we not only understand the other person, but we are also able to find out what is lacking in ourselves and what we need to learn from the other person. So, this respect is mutually beneficial. We give respect to the other person but at the same time, we make positive changes in ourselves.

Ma's concept of empathy extends beyond human interactions; it can be applied to the natural world. Ecological empathy can bring people closer to non-human beings. Ecological empathy suggests that we should recognize the intrinsic value of non-human species and environments, not just because of their instrumental or pragmatic value to humans, but because of the value they have in themselves. Thus, the principles of empathy and diversity extend to treating non-human species as equally important and worthy of empathy and respect (Ma, 2014). The idea, as we do with those who are different from us, is to foster a sense of interconnectedness and shared responsibility for the well-being and health of all life on our planet, not just our own species.

Meanwhile, in the video, Kimmerer also mentions the indigenous people’s world view, the work people do is to discover what the earth asks of us.  Indigenous cultures view non-human species as teachers who guide humans in their coexistence with the earth. Kimmerer talks about the story of the first people (sky women) whose name is Guiche CakweShe. “When she ventured to the edge of the tree of life, she lost footing” (Kimmerer, 3:03). When she fell, many geese saw her in the empty dark path.  “For the very beginning time, the first encounter between human and other species, which was on the strong wing of geese, was marked by care and responsibility” (Kimmerer, 4:15). The world at that time was filled with water. Since they could not hold Guiche Cakwe forever, the geese held a council of all of the beings about what to do later. The turtle floated on the water and offered Guiche Cakwe to stand upon his back. This behavior pointed out that “Guiche cake need land” and this need is what humans wanted (Kimmerer, 4:35). Then the other animals such as otters, loons, and sturgeon, all went to collect mud down the water to create land for human. With their help, the sky woman finally made the land on the turtle’s back (Kimmerer, 5:23). Although, Kimmerer’s idea was coming from myths, we can understand that people and other beings were respecting each other from the beginning time. And also, we can benefit each other from the friendly connections built from ancient times. That is why we should treat non-human species as important as humans since we both can gain benefits from each other.

Finally, it is clear from these texts that empathy and respect are critical in both human-human and human-non-human relationships. Kimmerer's video demonstrates how people and non-human creatures may survive peacefully and profit from their interactions. As a result, it's legitimate to claim that we should treat non-human creatures with the same regard as we do other people.

Lo argues that a life regulated by norms deprives people of the ability to see the truth because they always live on the “surfaces” approved by family and society. They do not have the opportunity to dive deeper to ask profound questions and seek contradictions that yield truth. However, Lo also warns that some people may overreact to suppression and end up developing the opposite personality, contrary to the expected personality but not necessarily the authentic personality. Lo in the end recommends a mental practice that eases people’s guilt feeling when breaking away from norms: imagining oneself as the product of nature, which gives unconditionally and requires no return. With such mentality, people can consider less how they should behave and more how they can behave. 

I chose this article because some of Lo’s observations and explanations can connect to Emmanuel Vaughan-Lee’s short movie “Laugh Clown Laugh.” People like clowns maybe because clowns allow them to believe that their life is “normal” and “sane.” Reinhard "Filou" Horstkotte mentioned that when he is in the clown personality, “the freedom of the clown” allows him to see something remarkable: he can “overcome the seriousness of [his surroundings]” (02:01). This is something only non-conformists can do when they break away from the perspectives their family and society impose on them. Furthermore, Lo mentions that there is no accident that people who are bright are often outcasted. This observation reminds me of Phillippe Petit’s experience when he was “thrown out of five different schools because instead of listening to the teachers, [he] [was] [his] own teacher, progressing in [his] new art and becoming a street juggler” (06:54). Non-conformists often provoke criticisms and are excluded from mainstream society. Petit’s success is also a perfect example of how the mindset of a non-conformist prompts passion and creativity. He did not care about other people’s judgment and rules and became the famous high-wire artist whose performance transcends just a show.    

Based on the above three sources, my research question for my project 3 is the following:

To what extent should people choose (not) to conform? 

First, a bit about my background. When I started at Rutgers as an international student, I was a bit intimidated by the rigorous writing syllabus. Although I have learned English for more than 12 years, I only learned basics in terms of academic writing in high school, so I was not sure I would succeed in this course. After training in this course, now I am confident to say I have improve a lot. Now I will explain my growth from some major assignments.

From the first assignment, I started to expose my drawbacks. The first informal essay is called “autobiography & literary Narrative.” The response asks students to write about their writing background and their ideas about language. I wrote two long paragraphs, mumbling my ideas. That makes the whole assignment look like a disaster. Everything is mixed and hard to understand my focus. After Professor Wickhamsmith pointed this out, I realized how the structure of an essay can influence clarity, so in the revision, I re-organize the whole response. I put relevant ideas in paragraphs and used transitions to link paragraphs. Such revision allows each paragraph to have a focus and the whole response coherent and smooth.

The first project asks students to write a story and cite quotes from two texts to support their ideas. I struggled a lot in this assignment because I did not know how to embed the quote in the right place and the story line was a bit messy. When I came back to this assignment by the end of this course, I became more proficient in linking quote to my own ideas. In this revision, I tidied my plot (made it more focused) and added more thoughtful comments and analysis in some significant stages of the story development. Thanks to professor’s reminder, in the final version, I focused on using the quotes to support my ideas by enhancing the link between the two.

The second and the third projects require students to make a claim and use quotes from readings as evidence. The third project is more challenging because it requires students to find an outside source. I was a bit overwhelmed because it was my first time to write such essays. The most difficult part is to find the connections between the quotes. I found it useful to annotate and highlight when reading and paid attention to any connection when I found one. After reading, I wrote an outline, putting evidence from each text in each body paragraph. The outline is another challenge because I need to make sense of the connections I found when I read. After the outline is determined, the first draft is much easier. For each body paragraph, I followed the “topic sentence, context, quote 1, analysis, transition, context, quote 2, analysis” formula, which helps me always stay focused.   

Now, after a whole semester’s improvement, I am able to use clear and effective structure to help me provide a more readable text to readers. Meanwhile, in the EAP class, I improved my ability to use reliable evidence to support my ideas. I think such skill is very important because when I progress to higher level courses, I suppose I need to write many essays.   

Thanks to Professor Wichhamsmith’s help, I am more confident to take on future challenges in writing.

Autobiography

Hi, Professor Wickhamsmith! My name is Haixiang Xu, and I am from China. It is my pleasure to be in your class and learn English writing from you.

First, I would like to tell you something about my English learning background. I spent nine years in Chinese curriculums and then in high school, I transferred to British Columbia province's curriculum. The transfer of curriculum made me struggle with my grammar since Chinese schools focus on grammar only in high school, but Canadian schools only teach grammar in primary school. As a result, I often make grammar mistakes in my writing, but I am now trying hard to deal with this problem and hope to polish my writing skills during my time at college.

During high school, I have learned some writing skills. Academically, I learned how to cite a source and how to identify reliable and relevant sources for writing. I learned how to write an argument essay, including the structure, the rhetorical analysis, and logical fallacies. Also, I learned some non-academic writing skills. For example, I learned how to write letters politely and how to write resume. Although I have had some training in writing, I believe the biggest challenge for me is to use concise language to express my ideas effectively. Sometimes, I may jump from ideas to ideas, without clearly elaborating on each idea.

Besides English, I have developed interest and curiosity in statistics and programming. Statistics is a very fun subject, especially the part about sampling methods and analyzing data. Building an excellent experiment and interpreting the population's parameters based on the sample's data is very attractive for me. To do so, I must properly choose my own samples and precisely count the data, which also can improve my numeracy skills. I am also interested in programming. When I started to learn programming last summer by myself, I realize that it requires a strong sense of logic and critical thinking. I should not be satisfied just by inputting some codes and running them for results but also attempt to use shorter and more useful codes to deal with the same problem. It is just like writing: using the minimal words to express accurate information. I believe I have already improved my logic thinking skills, although I am still a beginner.

After class, I have developed many hobbies and interests. For instance, I read many novels, such as Unwind and Maus. My favorite novel is Catch-22, which talks about the stories of some American Air Force junior ranking officers who are struggling to survive on missions. After reading novels, I like to watch movies adapted from novels and see how the director interpret the novels. In terms of sports, I like soccer a lot. I watch almost every major soccer game and play soccer whenever it is possible. My favorite team is, of course, Chinese national team, although it needs a lot of improvement.  

Meanwhile, I am also interested in drama and performing. In high school, I got an opportunity to perform in a school drama. (here is the link https://www.bilibili.com/video/BV1kF41187vn/?buvid=Y04D8002DB1B538F45E6ADBA4DDD21BD0833&is_story_h5=false&mid=Oc27ikqFF6ryhBpZ%2B8pLJX8FTQ%2FSZMtL1rElX6M3iMo%3D&p=1&plat_id=116&share_from=ugc&share_medium=iphone&share_plat=ios&share_session_id=439C5F34-43). It was fun to write the script with my classmates, discuss the setting and costume, and rehearse. This experience has taught me to appreciate actors’ performance, which seems effortless but needs a lot of dedication and commitment behind the scenes.   

This year is my first year living abroad, and it may be filled with unknowns and challenges for me. I hope I can gain independence from my time in the US. Compared with Chinese universities, I think American universities provide students with more free time and resources. Also, students can spend more time on their interests. For instance, at Rutgers, all the courses I register are what I want to take, and I do not need to take any other courses that I do not like. However, I also realize that I need to have very good time and stress management skills because I have deadlines almost every week, and if I do not keep track them closely, I may miss a deadline, which will be a disaster for my GPA. While I was in China, my teachers and parents always reminded me if I needed to submit an assignment, but now, I am on my own.

LITERACY NARRATIVE

I think I am related to words and languages closely since they are the necessary tools I need to learn knowledge. They serve me by helping me understand others' ideas and gain knowledge. I can learn a lot from the words in a professional's work. For example, I was able to learn about the hypothesis test in the Introductory Statistics textbook. I didn't even have to ask my professor to figure out the difference between a t-test and a z-test. When the number of people is small, we can just go ahead and calculate the average and standard deviation of the data since we do not worry about the existence of outliers. In fact, outliers can be hardly picked up in this small-scale of group. But when the number of people involved in the sample is too large (more than 30 individuals or 10% of the population, it's more accurate to subtract 1 from the denominator (do not count the outliers) and only estimate the standard deviation to get rid of the outlier's effect on the result. I figured out the rationale and reasoning by reading words on the textbooks and other people’s explanations online.  

Also, language can be a tool for me to socialize. Both Mandarin and English are useful for me to communicate with others. I met a lot of Chinese people during the international orientation. I used my native language, which is Mandarin, to communicate with them. The same language brought us closer and made me feel less lonely in a foreign country. Meanwhile, when communicating with students from other countries, we all use English because we don't speak each other's native language. English has allowed me to communicate and make friends with students from different countries. If we cannot speak the same language, then I think I can never get contact with that many people in university.

Although words and languages can bring us some benefits, there are still some drawbacks to using them. Words and language lack a certain amount of privacy and mystery because words and language have become tools that almost everyone can master in today's highly civilized society. This situation sometimes makes me feel embarrassed in my daily life. When I am talking to my friends and discussing some secrets in public, I don't act naturally and have to hide something because I am afraid of being overheard by other strangers.

There are some differences between Mandarin and English in terms of language expression. So, when I came to the United States, I found that I was not used to it. Although many of the teachers in my high school were native English speakers and spoke English with us in class to improve my oral expression and give me ideas about what America is like. I still felt a strong sense of culture shock when I first arrived in America. To a certain extent, this strong culture shock was brought about by the language. There is no concept of "gender" in Mandarin. We only have the idea of "性别(sex)". And that is why I was shocked in high school when my PE teacher talked about this topic. Although I'm not sure whether I totally accept and understand this concept, I think it makes things more complex. In China, when you are asked about what is your "sex", there are only two options and it is easy to identify. However, when talking about "gender" in English, there are so many options, such as transgender and cisgender. And you can hardly identify someone's "gender" at some time. Also, a similar situation is happening with the word "influence". For example, in Mandarin when we say someone or something that is influenced, in most situations, that means they are negatively influenced. But in English, it is not the same case. I still remember, in grade 10, when my science teacher asked us about the altitude of the greenhouse effect, most students answered that it would influence the world. Actually, we want to say that the change is negative since the temperature is increasing rapidly, but my teacher just cannot get the point since the word "影响(influence)" does not have the same function in English. I think now I need some time to get familiar with the native speakers' perspective to make sure that I can speak and write natively in the future

The increasingly globalized world has witnessed growing conflicts among human beings and large-scale destruction of other species. Robin Wall Kimmerer in her talk "Questions for a Resilient Future" shared the creation story of indigenous people and encouraged her audience to reflect on people’s mindset of constantly taking from nature, which causes the deterioration of other species’ habitat. Similarly calling for people’s empathy, Yo-Yo Ma in the article “Behind the Cello” explains how empathy allows people to make unexpected connections with others in life. It is important to respect all creatures’ desire for life, as people can develop a united identity that can encourage empathy and reflection, which can lead to advancement in civilization; however, it is also important to be aware of the limits and dangers of relentless pursuit of progress to protect the human and non-human community.

A united identity based on mutual respect for the life of both fellow humans and non-human creatures allows people to develop empathy and reflect on their behaviors that cause injustice, conflicts, and even destruction. It is a fact that the world has diverse species and peoples, but all life forms have one thing in common: the desire for survival and a better life. To achieve that goal, human beings may believe in different things and choose different lifestyles, and other species may choose different tactics for survival. When people acknowledge such a basic yet universal need and respect it, they find common ground with fellow human beings as well as other species. Such a process establishes human empathy, which in turn enhances peaceful co-existence. Ma in the article argues that empathy can make people “make unexpected connections” and “bring [them] closer to things that would otherwise seem far away” (Ma, 2014). As technologies have connected people around the world more than ever, it is inevitable that people from different cultures may find other’s differences in beliefs and values foreign and cause conflicts such as discrimination. However, when people understand that these differences are just one of many ways people live their lives, they find common ground and establish empathy and inclusivity. However, if people treat others from a superior perspective, they are not willing to empathize with others but rather expect others to conform to their established lifestyles. In this way, a good relationship is quite impossible to form because of inequality. By contrast, if people think they belong to one family, they focus more on finding similarities with others and trying to understand each other's perceptions and emotions, foundations for peaceful co-existence.

Such empathy is also important when people deal with their relationship with other species. Other species may live far away from people’s lives, and people may find it hard to “make unexpected connections” with them (Ma, 2014). However, the connection is much closer than some people may think. Human behaviors such as factory farming, city expansion, and pollution have created much misery for animals and threatened their basic need for survival on a daily basis. If people respect all life forms, people may think twice before they make another destructive bid in exchange for human development. While it is infeasible to treat all creatures equally (human beings still have a long way to go in their endeavors to achieve equal rights for all), advocacy of respecting animals’ basic need for survival can be the first step to curtail human beings’ invasive and destructive behaviors towards other species. If human beings continue taking a condescending view that human beings are superior to animals and nature and take it for granted that they can kill animals for food, invade their habitat, and exploit natural resources without limit, they will have to face the consequences themselves. Kimmerer in her presentation introduced indigenous people’s belief that “the failure of gratitude to [nature’s] gift” will lead to consequences that “the springs dried up [and] corn doesn’t grow” (Kimmerer, 12:05). This belief reminds people of what attitude they should have when contacting non-human species and nature. When people recognize that other species have the same basic needs as human beings for survival, they may reflect on whether human behaviors have caused too much harm already. Such reflection may result in further advocacy of animal rights, environmental protection, or healthier diets. The endless exploitation behaviors that have caused ecological disasters will be reduced, and human conditions can also improve.

However, it is also important to be aware of the limits of human efforts because the obsession with constant discovery and advancement will make human beings suffer. People in industrial societies have an overwhelming desire to seek diverse knowledge and make progress. However, in this process, a huge cost is made. Ma in the article observes that people are constantly looking for truth about “what life is and when it begins and how [people] approach the agony of death […] Therefore [they] spend an unbelievable amount of money on medical care in those last few years before dying" (Ma 2014). People’s unsatiable curiosity pushes them to make discoveries, and their fear of death makes them extremely wasteful in the last few years of their lives. If people can recognize the limit of their efforts and face death peacefully, they will suffer less. Kimmerer also mentioned the negative consequences of people’s relentless pursuit of economic development. She believes that people are trapped in an economy that continuously asks, “What more can [people] take from the earth” (Kimmerer, 00:57). Such mentality pushes people to always expand their businesses and exploit natural resources. As a result, people have to face the consequences. For example, Kimmerer mentions that “sandy banks which were usually dry and warm are now cold and wet” (Kimmerer, 11:06). She indicates that human activities, prompted by a constantly increasing desire for economic growth, have caused the climate change which leads to the rise of sea level, threatening people’s livelihood. If people do not take appropriate actions and continue to develop the economy driven by consumption, people will eventually bear the consequences.     

Globalization does not necessarily bring unity. In a world teeming with differences, a united identity, based on mutual respect for the life of both humans and other species, should be promoted because it can encourage peaceful co-existence. Considering oneself as one of the world family or even world species, people can develop empathy that allows them to see how their behaviors may have an impact on others. Such empathy can further encourage new discoveries that push forward human civilization both in the field of knowledge and humanity. Nonetheless, it should be noted that the progress of civilization should be sought modestly because the endless desire for growth will only make people, as well as other species, suffer, and human activities inevitably stimulate consumption that can cause disastrous results to human beings’ next generations to come.    

 Works Cited

MA, YO-YO. “Behind the cello.” New Perspectives Quarterly, vol. 31, no. 2, 2014, pp. 95–99, https://doi.org/10.1111/npqu.11462. 

Kimmerer, Robin Wall. “Questions for a Resilient Future: Robin Wall Kimmerer.” YouTube, YouTube, 14 Jan. 2014, www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4nUobJEEWQ&themeRefresh=1. 

After reading my essay again, I believe I need to make major revisions. I kept the beginning because it is an effective and engaging introduction of the story. In the body paragraphs, I embedded the sources into my story line. For example, when I saw that my teammates were frustrated with the game loss, I used sources to explain why they behaved so negatively. When I tried to convince my teammates to look at our loss positively, I used the quotes to explain the rewards of unpleasant experiences. In the end, I used the quotes to provide ways to change my teammates’ negative mindset: to focus more on what we want instead of what others want.

Furthermore, after another revision, I tried to connect the analysis of quotes to my point more closely.

Another thing I did is to make connections between two sources and make the transition inside each paragraph and between paragraphs smoother.   

From Defeat to Victory

When we lost to Number 13th school (the school’s name is number 13), which is another high school in my hometown Nanjing, the whole team sighed. We felt very disappointed because Number 13^th School ranked last in the previous tournament and we thought beating them was easy. But we were narrowly defeated by the opponents. Fans on the bleachers went crazy picking on us. Some even had left early to hide their deep disappointment in us. A few bottles of mineral water were thrown down, and the scene got completely out of control. At that moment, I knew everything was over. The hope of a win was so close yet so far away.

A gust of cold wind hit the field as the teammates carried their equipment to the locker room. A burst of frigid wind mirrored our defeated emotions. We were hunched over, bearing the weight of our most recent defeat. The feeling of vulnerability was haunting around us. We had not scored even one point in the tournament and just lost the most possible game to win some points.

Gavin was the first to speak up, "In this kind of team, I just cannot see even a tiny slice of hope!"

"Nothing we can do to motivate this hopeless team to succeed", yelled Charles.

Even Lionel, who was normally rational and optimistic, was expressing his negative emotion, "Hey! I did score twice and was a key player. We could have been the winner of the game, but Harris made us lose the game. What’s the point of continuing? It's time to quit." And just like that, three of our main players were planning to quit the soccer team, leaving the rest of us even more disheartened. At that moment, I felt a deep sense of vulnerability enveloping our team's future, and hope seemed elusive.

Seeing teammates’ frustration and tension, I think of Emmanuel Vaughan-Lee’s “Laugh Clown Laugh,” which introduces Berlin based clown Reinhard "Filou" Horstkotte. In this short film, Horstkotte reflects on his untraditional career as a clown and shares what he has learned from exposing his vulnerability to the public. Facing life difficulties, Horstkotte believes that being a clown helps him “overcome the seriousness of [his] surroundings” (Vaughan-Lee 2:30). People are often expected to give their best performance in school and society. In the process of striving for better, they may often face challenges that hinder their advancement toward their goals. Inevitably, they may feel frustrated and vulnerable. In the role of a clown, Horstkotte could step out of the persona the society expects him to play and see other people’s “social performance” as an outsider, allowing him to break free the burden of being better and perfect. Maybe we could learn something from Horstkotte. We were frustrated because we could not take off this burden and were too obsessed with bettering our performance. We took other people’s expectations so seriously that when we did not achieve the expected goal, we felt ashamed and worried too much about how others would think of us. Brene Brown also sees the danger of perfectionism. In Dan Schawbel’s interview “How Vulnerability Can Make Our Lives Better,” Brown argues that “Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval.” When people try to become perfect, they tend to impress others and impose the social standards of success on themselves. In the process, they forget about what they want and what they are actually capable of; instead, they fixate on others’ expectations of them. When they cannot meet these expectations, they feel a sense of shame and try to blame themselves. In the case our soccer game, we believed that winning was the only way to achieve others’ recognition. We felt so disappointed with ourselves and would seek excuses to explain our failure. When finding none, we tended to blame others.

“Why didn’t you pass the ball to me?” Gavin accused Harris.

Stunned, Harris was speechless and quickly left the room with a blushing face.

I was disappointed with our loss but more saddened by the negative energy pervading our team. Teammates’ reaction was understandable because it was a major and unexpected defeat, and we were not ready to face our failure or vulnerability. Like Brown, many children growing up in China are taught to value “tenacity and grit” but rarely “taught how to deal with uncertainty or how to manage emotional risk.” Therefore, when such emotions are evoked, many people do not know how to handle them and may demonstrate irrational behaviors. In our case, my teammates seemed to have a different personality. Before the game, we were like brothers, goofing around and confident about our tactics. However, after we lost the game, we were like enemies.    

But is this experience totally useless? Should we discredit our worthiness upon every setback? Brown admits that her “inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are fraught with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few.” In her opinion, unpleasant experiences are also part of life that makes it so colorful. From hardships, we learn the importance of friendships; from pressure, we discover our whole potential; from failure, we learn what we can and cannot do. When we lose the game, we can use this opportunity to find flaws in our tactics and strategies. It is not about the result of this experience itself but what we gain from this experience, good or bad, that really matters. Like Brown says, facing our vulnerabilities, failure in our case, is uncomfortable, but if we have the courage to face it, we may gain something else from this experience. Failure is also an important experience in life. Horstkotte’s decision to pursue a career as a clown may be considered a “failure” by many, and he does often go from “one fiasco to the other” (05:27). However, being a master of failure makes his performance entertaining and allows him to see the paradox in life: “Everything is important, but nothing is really very serious” (05:48). His experience as a clown enables him to see the contradictions in life and find a way to make peace with stressful social expectations imposed on people. Although Horstkotte does not achieve success in a normal sense, his insights into life meaning adds to people’s understanding of humanity. Maybe losing this game was not useless after all. We could still learn something from this experience such as tenacity and resilience and improve ourselves for the next match.  

“Maybe we should look ahead and concentrate on what we could learn and improve from this experience?” I suggested, “there are still three matches waiting for us, and there is still chance for us to win.”

It was true that Harris misjudged on a few occasions, but focusing on his mistakes did not take us anywhere. Facing the reality and discussing ways to improve was more constructive. Brown mentioned the example of Myshkin Ingawale, who failed 32 times in his endeavor to decrease “maternal child death rate in rural India.” If he had complained every time he failed, he would not have tried 33 times. Instead, he made improvement on previous effort and finally achieved his goal. Confronting failure is the first step to make a “healthy striving” in Brown’s words. Instead of focusing on others, as perfectionism requires, “healthy striving is self-focused.” Horstkotte also realizes the importance of focusing on self. He said that “the biggest challenge for [him] is to hold the confidence—not to be disturbed by what a clown ought to be. You need a certain costume, but it’s not enough. You have to have a certain state of being—a certain state of innocence” (05:13). To do what he really likes, a clown, Horstkotte has to forget other people’s opinions and judgements and focus on what he wants to do. Catering to what others expect of him would only make his job a chore, not a passion.

It occurred to me that we should also take such an attitude in our preparation for the rest of the games in the tournament. Instead of guessing what others would like us to do, we, as a team, should focus on what we could learn from each game and find ways to improve ourselves. It was more important to enjoy the games and our time together than seeking approval from those who did not really know us. Even if we lost some games, which was a disappointment to them, we could still gain something from these experiences.  

After everyone was calm, I shared what I thought with my teammates, and they changed their mindset in one way or another. We agreed to try our best and enjoy the games. The result of the tournament is no longer important. The important thing is that we have learned how to find courage to embrace our vulnerabilities and focus more on ourselves.      

Works Cited

Schawbel, Dan. “Brene Brown: How Vulnerability Can Make Our Lives Better.” Forbes, Forbes Magazine, 12 Oct. 2022, www.forbes.com/sites/danschawbel/2013/04/21/brene-brown-how-vulnerability-can-make-our-lives-better/Accessed 3 October 3, 2023.

Vaughan-Lee, Emmanel “Laugh Clown Laugh” , https://www.globalonenessproject.org/library/films/laugh-clown-laugh. Accessed 3 October 3, 2023.

Nonconformity in a Conformist World

Contradictions are everywhere in life. In the US, while society values equality, people are also expected to strive for the better; while society values individualism and diversity, people are also expected to integrate. However, to integrate means to give up some parts of identity and conform to the acknowledged norms by the mainstream. Though the ultimate goal—to achieve a harmonious society—justifies its means, conformist expectations impose pressure on those who choose not to conform. Imi Lo in her article “Being a Non-Conformist and the Guilt of Breaking Away” observes that in a society, especially in a collectivist one, people, to some extent, are bound by invisible rules and made to believe that once they break the rules, they will be burdened with guilt. As a result, people force themselves to obey these rules and bury their authentic selves, which may be more passionate, adventurous, or creative. However, these qualities are what people need to excel. Philippe Petit in his TED talk “The journey across the high wire” explains that it was his passion and tenacity that contributed to his success as a magician and hire-wire walker, a non-conformist’s choice of career. Similarly, Emmanuel Vaughan-Lee in his short film “Laugh Clown Laugh” illustrates how defying conformist expectations and loving to be a clown allow Berlin based clown Reinhard "Filou" Horstkotte to see the truth hidden in contradictions in life. Taking a non-conformist perspective allows people to seek their authentic selves and perceive the world creatively; however, if people cannot afford the potential consequences of being a non-conformist, conforming can be a favorable choice.   

Conformity is necessary when the consequences of nonconformist behaviors outweigh people’s ability to face them. If people do not want to conform, they have to consider the potential outcomes of their behaviors and their readiness to tackle them because such behaviors will not only bring other people’s implicit or explicit criticism but also lead to self-doubt or even shame. Imi Lo in her article claims that nonconformists, once “having internalized judgements from various sources,” will “carry a sense of guilt all the way through into adulthood.” It is common for non-conformists to become outcasts because people tend to like those who agree with them. Children and teenagers are quite impressionable and may believe it is their faults that lead to their social exclusion. Such perception may further hurt their self-esteem and cause other mental struggles. In this case, it is better to make some concessions to make life easier. Even though people do not really want to do something that is against their will, there are times when they have to make some compromises to reduce some frustrations in life and have a sense of belonging. Not everyone can cope with life difficulties like Phillippe Petit who was “thrown out of five different schools” because he did not “listen to his teachers” (Petit 06:54). His unwillingness to be a “normal” student made him follow his passion and become an excellent magician, but most students still need to follow a typical educational path to be successful in society. If college admission offices see multiple times of expulsions, it is unlikely that they admit this applicant. Petit succeeded in his own way (even without a college education) because his non-conformist performance helped him attract the world’s attention. Petit is strong in mind, and he insists on doing what he loves since he was very young. However, not everyone has the tenacity to do what he or she likes to do, and many have failed. Therefore, if people want to break some invisible rules, they have to think about whether they can handle the potential “failure” positively, as Horstkotte does. Horstkotte observes that “The clown is the master of failure,” who goes from “one fiasco to another” (05:27). Horstkotte enjoys performing “failure” and believes it provides people with happiness. His idea is by all means non-conformist and has a lot to do with his profession. In his eyes, performing failure and making others laugh is a kind of personal achievement for him. However, such a definition of success is unorthodox, and only people who do not care about how other people see them can enjoy such a profession. However, for most people, exposing one’s failure to others means exposing one’s vulnerable side, and not many people are willing to do that and capable of bearing the strangers’ judgment and mockery because of their traditional definition of success, self-esteem, and dignity. Therefore, sometimes conformity might be a better alternative for many people if they cannot cope with the negative consequences of their non-conformist behaviors.  

However, nonconformity is necessary when people want to discover their true selves. Conforming means covering some “undesirable” traits, which inevitably forces people to pretend and perform in front of others. If they perform the “fake” identity, they may forget about their true selves. Imi Lo points out that “in the decades of faithfully serving the cultural values, practices, beliefs, prohibitions, and expectations, [people] might have lost contact with [their] instinctive truths... [they] have achieved most vocational goals, yet feel trapped and congested on the inside.” People might lose the connection with their “instinctive truths” because they are told that they are supposed to maintain the status quo even if it means to sacrifice their autonomy. Instinctive truths are what people believe if they are not influenced by external forces like local culture. These truths reveal what a person is really like because they do not have to consider others’ invisible expectations that force them to behave in certain ways. If people choose to conform, they choose to behave “normally” just like all the other people. However, it is important to explore their own identities because it makes their lives more fulfilling and the society more diversified. The world can be boring when people all live “normally,” a life “approved by family and culture” in Lo’s words. However, breaking away from imposed restrictions makes people learn more about themselves. Being a clown has allowed Horstkotte to learn his “sad” side, “which was kind of full of longing,” and discover his “poetic space that is not dependent on others” (02:24). Choosing to be a clown is not a “normal” career choice because his job is to make fun of himself and others. However, being in the mentality of a clown, he escapes from worldly perceptions of himself and discovers something unusual in his personality. In this strenuous process, Horstkotte becomes his own teacher, and his efforts and focus drive new insights into his true self. Also his own teacher, Petit, through his nonconformist choices, finds his real passion and becomes a famous artist today. After he was kicked out of school a few times, he decided to be his “own teacher, progressing in [his] new art and becoming a street juggler” (06:54). Normally, students will discipline themselves if they know they will be expelled for their “abnormal” behaviors. If Petit had done so, he would not have achieved such progress in life since he would be just a normal person living a normal life. He would, in Lo’s words, serve “the cultural values, practices, beliefs, prohibitions, and expectations” and bury his authentic and extraordinary personality. His decision not to conform allows his true self to shine. Therefore, non-conformity, though needing courage and focus, allows people to find the genuine part of their identity hidden by social norms.   

The implicit expectations of conformity are everywhere. Besides laws, people in society are confined to sets of invisible rules in the form of beliefs, traditions, and expectations. When people are faced with these requirements, it is important to judge whether they should conform or not. Conforming sometimes does bring some advantages because it can help people integrate into groups better and bear less mental pressure. However, nonconformity is necessary when people want to understand their true selves and desires because conforming can only lead to their performance of favorable identities and lose contact with their true ones. When they know more about themselves, they can even jump out of their own perspectives and observe the world differently and creatively, which allows them to discover insightful philosophies in life. The world has diverse landscapes, species, and cultures. Maybe nonconformity is also a part of law of nature.