giving in to your compulsions is easy and liberating. it’s easy to send that text. it’s easy to take everything back. healing is really tough. no contact is suffocating, anxiety inducing. but it has to be done for my own good, right?

me: “you’re the fire that burnt my skin.”

how tragically poetic.

“don’t belong to no city, don’t belong to no man.”

— halsey

one thing we have in common is that we’re avoidants. we ignore and avoid problems by pretending that they aren’t there. so we end up running, but never fast enough or far away from our own shadows.

some times, the people that you think are your friends aren’t really your friends. at the end of the day, when you’re down in the lurches, they’re not going to be the ones to save you. they’re just going to leave you to die alone. everyone is selfish in their own ways. you’re always own your own.

some times, they are only your friends because you interact with them daily. once you stop doing that, they will turn their backs on you.

some times, people choose to tell parts of the story they want you to hear and omit the ugly truths just to make themselves look good. never only listen to one pov.

some times, people can use words to say how much you mean to them all they want. but the matter of fact is that the use of certain words or language tools can be very manipulative. be careful. if they wanted to, if they truly cared, they would have showed it. actions >>> words.

life is truly full of ups and downs.

i haven’t been sleeping well. i either sleep too much or i can’t fall asleep.

i haven’t been eating well. i either eat a meal a day or don’t eat and drink water for 2 days straight.

i haven’t been feeling well. i may look fine but mentally i’m just like a critical patient in the ICU.

my life is hanging by a thread.

and i’m fighting the urge to lose the fight to these demons every day.

never would i have thought i would come back to this dark place again.

i thought that i’ve burnt away every single path that leads me back.

i thought that i’ve grown and matured and nothing will ever bring me down again.

i was so confident of that.

i was questioning myself how people above the age of 25 still unalive themselves. shouldn’t it get easier? you have more freedom and liberty and experience when you’re older.

i finally understood that that’s not the case now.

it can happen at any age.

people can relapse.

and here i am again. some times, everything seems all too hopeless. sure, you can say that things are going to get better and they will. but what happens after it gets better? it will just go back to square one again one day and there is no point being stuck in this cycle. what is the point of holding on to see tomorrow’s sunrise when the day always end with a sunset anyways?

“如果下次遇見你 希望是在晴天裡”

— ryan. b

“usually never cry at all
i would say i’m pretty tough
but it's been a couple weeks now
and i still feel stuck in my lungs
and usually i go out on nights
and not think of you once
but if they start playin' that song
i can't help but to think about us

really thought i'd be done with the hardest part
when i pulled myself out of your arms
wish i knew that was only the start
and now i'm fallin' apart 'cause

last night for the very first time
you didn't even try to call
i won't lie, i thought i might die
i couldn't even sleep at all
and maybe i’ll get used to it
but right now i just feel like shit

so i kissed somebody else
just to see how it felt
but all that was goin' through my brain
was your hands around my waist
you know how to do it so well

now if i get a little too drunk
i'll start thinkin', “what if you were the one?"
i know that the damage is done
and i still have the shirt that you wore
when we first met, it's there on the floor
i might kick it under the bed
hopin' that i could forget that”

— tate mcrae

“we were strangers at the bar
they were playing wonderwall
i overheard you say you hate this song
next thing i knew i'm walking over
came and tapped you on your shoulder
said my dear you're not the only one
spent the night there at my place
that night became a hundred days
and i shared all my deepest secrets with you
soon enough well i found out you're something i can't live without
and every time i close my eyes i miss you

and i know
i waited all my life just to fall for someone like you
in the blink of an eye it all fell through

i can't even lie
i'm not doing well
yeah i'm standing still here
while you're moving on
when my world would tear in two
you were who i ran to
now i can't even call
or call you my friend

darling it's strange 'cos you and i are strangers all over again

hearts a mess and heads ablaze
the nights become the start of days
and i've been drinking just to get me through 'em
it's funny how you love someone and when it's over said and done
it's almost like you never even knew 'em”

— lewis capaldi

i dreamt about you.

i get major anxiety in my sleep.

i wake up with massive anxiety.

i take hours to calm down.

it repeats.

when will this cycle end?

i can’t believe i would have moved mountains for you.

i can’t believe i would have gone to the extent of giving my life to save yours. i think we both would have done that for you.

i can’t believe i told my therapist that you were my safe space.

i can’t believe i’m resorting to talking to my ex about you to cope.

i can’t believe that we would have sacrificed everything but yet to you, we were only around for we were convenient. you would never even have bothered to lift a rock for us.

i have. and i have gotten out of it. countless times.

but it got me questioning,

am i really that unworthy?

am i really that easy and convenient?

why am i not good enough?

what’s the point of anything anymore?

nobody even gives a shit anyways.

she likes him because she saw you in him.

we’re all looking for pieces of people we love in someone else because we can’t fully get over them.

funny.

my heart wants to give in and come running back to you.

i worry about you a lot.

i’m fighting back every urge to ask you if you’re coping well, eating and sleeping well.

but

my brain tells me to run the fuck away.

my brain tells me that you’re a bad idea and if i do that, everything will just repeat itself knowing that you’re too stubborn to change and we just will never be able to co-exist in the same space.

if it tells you that someone is a red flag, run the fuck away. chances are, 99% of the time it’s right.

don’t try to convince yourself that they’re not just because of some sweet nothings they say to you.

they say that to everyone.

don’t trust them wholeheartedly with all your heart.

“there is no smoke without fire.”

doesn’t matter if any allegations against you were true or not. the fact that you always end up being embroiled in such controversies is enough proof that you’re unreliable.

and soon one day, everyone will realise that too.

“you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.”

— jim rohn

i finally understood the meaning of that. i finally understand that perhaps that’s the reason why my life is going downhill subconsciously without me realising it and something has to change.

“you were red and you liked me ‘cause i was blue.

but you touched me and suddenly i was a lilac sky.

and you decided purple just wasn’t for you.”

— halsey

girlhood is truly healing.

“pink lemonade sippin’ on a sunday

couples holding hands on a runway

they’re all posin’ in a picture frame whilst my world’s crashing down“

— sam smith

when you said you’ve deleted everything, it stings a little. because i just thought i would have meant more to you. in fact, if i had meant more, you would have wanted to, you would have tried a little harder. now what am i supposed to do with that album full of your memories? i seriously can’t bear to delete them all. maybe one day, but not today.

i will never see suan la fen and cranberry juice the same again.

just like how i will never see all the things you love or the things we shared the same again.

maybe one day, all these won’t matter as much anymore.

but today, they will matter. and they will hurt.

“my philosophies and yours can’t exist together. they’d be nothing but a paradox.”

i think about this every single day.

and it’s in times like this where i pray and i put my faith and trust in him, even when i’ve lost trust in every single mortal.

i choose to trust that God has his ways of doing things and i pray that he will help me get through this.

and even if i dont, i hope that God forgives me.

and now i’m taking money from my red packets stash because i’m broke and i’m just hating myself for being so stupid.

“hate to give the satisfaction, asking how you're doing now
how's the castle built off people you pretend to care about?
just what you wanted
look at you, cool guy, you got it

i see the parties and the diamonds sometimes when i close my eyes
six months of torture you sold as some forbidden paradise
i loved you truly
gotta laugh at the stupidity

'cause i've made some real big mistakes
but you make the worst one look fine
i should've known it was strange
you only come out at night
i used to think i was smart
but you made me look so naive
the way you sold me for parts
as you sunk your teeth into me
bloodsucker, famefucker
bleedin' me dry, like a goddamn vampire

and every girl i ever talked to told me you were bad, bad news
you called them crazy, God, i hate the way i called them crazy too
you're so convincing
how do you lie without flinching?

what a mesmerizing, paralyzing, fucked-up little thrill
can't figure out just how you do it, and God knows i never will
went for me, and not her
'cause girls your age know better

i've made some real big mistakes
but you make the worst one look fine
i should've known it was strange

you said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard?
you can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart
i tried you help you out, now i know that i can't
'cause how you think's the kind of thing i’ll never understand”

— olivia rodrigo

but maybe, just maybe, i should be glad because at least i still get to see you in my sleep.

people say as if it’s so easy to get over someone. it’s only easy if they didn’t mean much to you in the first place, just like how i probably am to you. they don’t know and they don’t understand those intimate moments of silence where nobody has to say a single thing but yet both parties can connect with each other so deeply beyond human comprehension.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

nobody understands.

even you call me delusional for loving you.

he’s just so cute isn’t he

watching football will always remind me of you.

i’ve dated so many guys who played football but somehow football meant so much more to me especially after you.

just like how i won’t stop supporting son even if he doesn’t do well, you will forever have a place in my heart no matter what.

it’s so exciting and humbling to try and learn about and appreciate a sport you love so much and spent most of your life dedicating time and energy to. all because i love you, i find myself learning to love the things you love too.

call me obsessed

call me crazy

i know you don’t care

i know you probably already moved on

i know you don’t want to associate yourself with me

i just can’t stop re-reading old messages and re-thinking and re-hurting myself.

i just can’t get over you.

oh lord please help me.

i’ve lost my way,

and i lost myself.

in my most vulnerable state of mind,

not only did i remain stagnant,

i chose to make my life worse,

i chose to take 3 steps backwards.

sure, i did make many friends.

sure, i did get to experience what people deem how “people in their twenties” spend their time doing.

i found a person so fucking beautiful and so fucking precious in the most hopeless of places.

nights became my mornings and mornings became my nights.

i watched people starting their morning exercise and going to work as i was heading home.

i started going against my own morals to accept things that i swore i never would accept.

my bed starts getting warmer and my room messier.

i put everything down to make those few people happy.

i gave everything up to make that boy happy.

i ignored my boundaries and disregarded myself.

i lost all my friends from school.

it’s like i became somebody i don’t recognise.

and seeing her like that is so repulsive.

i don’t like that version of her.

but i couldn’t get out of it.

i was way too caught up with the thrill of it all.

and i feel guilty.

and now that i’m forcing myself to heal,

wow. the healing is even more painful than the spiralling to that state.

now i understand how fucking shitty alcoholics or drug abusers feel when they try to detox.

everything is so depressing and lonely.

i don’t have anything, anyone but myself and i want to unalive myself all the time.

i feel left out, i feel the urge to reach out, every day.

but i know i can’t. for my own sake.

i don’t know how long more i can do this for.

no amount of explanation or excuses can explain that i am just not good enough.

and no one is ready to handle me because of all the issues i have because of all the trauma i went through.

this is the very reality of men today.

men don’t want problematic girls like me. men can’t handle problematic girls like me. men don’t even want to waste their energy to try.

i am just not good enough.

the more i find out about you, the more grossed out i am.

at 5.55am, this is a core memory.

people like you are just born to be selfish creatures. 

not a drop of guilt or shame. 

of course you don’t care about how we feel.

all you know what to do is to run away when things get hard and avoid dealing with tough situations.

you distract yourself with superficial company to get by.

you drown yourself in ways that you will be sure to survive but not live life.

you’re so fucking fucked up and pathetic.

how do you live like that?

but i hate that i do because i wish i don’t.

i need to get rid of my feelings for you but i can’t seem to.

i feel so tempted to just text you but that would be doing myself a huge disservice and disrespect.

it’s so painful.

but i’m not sure if it’s a good idea…

what if we just stay as strictly fwb? (maybe not even friends but strangers)

no discussion of any personal feelings at all.

i just don’t want to do it with anyone else but you.

but at the same time, i don’t want to associate with any of your personal thoughts and feelings.

and i think you might feel the same way too? idk?

so perhaps, this could work out? idk?

zoo ✅

i’m so glad i’m back to doing normal stuff instead of going to the club and running away to avoid dealing with my issues. and leaving house when the sun rises and going home when the sun sets and not the other way around. and aaila is one of those who made me feel reconnected to reality again.

i want to have a kid so badly. they make me so so happy and i unconditionally love them so so much.

sometimes, i secretly pray that i have one. sometimes, i pray that by some miracle, it happens. and then worry about the rest later.

but then again, i’m worried about choosing a father for my child and how i can have the physical and mental capacity to take care of one.

i don’t want my kid to suffer.

and my parents make me feel like not wanting to have a kid.

see, i want to make the first move all the time and throw away my self dignity. but i try so hard to control and hold it in. i deserve more self respect for myself. the more i take the first move, the more you think that i’m always going to be there for you all the time, at your convenience, the more you’re going to take me for granted and the more you know that you’ll always have me at the palm of your hands to manipulate me and use me to your advantage however you like. and then the more you will lose respect for me. (not like you haven’t already)

i trust my gut feelings. you are no good for me. all the bread crumbing you’re give me will not faze me and make me change my mind because those are just the bare minimum to keep me hooked. i have learnt to identify your behavioural patterns. i’m smarter than this.

and it’s so fucking painful but needed. i can’t count how many times i have almost tried to break this promise i made to myself because i miss and need you so much. but i know that you’re no good for me. so i can’t do this to myself.

if i give in and break no contact, yeah sure i will feel relieved at the current moment, short term wise. but soon, everything will spiral and go full circle and won’t be helpful in the long run. so for the sake of my long-term future, i have to make sacrifices and try to mindfuck myself no matter how strong the urge is. it’s like my everyday battle with ocd. the more i give in, the stronger the compulsions and the more i will lose myself.

the only circumstance i will contact you is if there are really any emergency or to ask for my money back. i will stop being the fucking dumbass to always put in effort and make the first move. no more. i have to respect myself more.

you say, “i don't understand, " and i say, "i know you don't"
we thought a cure would come through in time, now i fear it won't
remember lookin' at this room, we loved it 'cause of the light
now, i just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time

do i throw out everything we built or keep it?
i'm getting tired even for a phoenix
always risin' from the ashes
mendin' all her gashes
you might just have dealt the final blow

stop, you're losin' me
i can't find a pulse
my heart won't start anymore
for you
'cause you're losin' me

every mornin', i glared at you with storms in my eyes
how can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?
i sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick
my face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick

and the air is thick with loss and indecision
i know my pain is such an imposition

now, you're runnin' down the hallway
and you know what they all say
you don't know what you got until it's gone

how long could we be a sad song
'til we were too far gone to bring back to life?
i gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy
and all i did was bleed as i tried to be the bravest soldier
fighting in only your army
frontlines, don't you ignore me
i'm the best thing at this party
and i wouldn't marry me either
a pathological people pleaser
who only wanted you to see her
and i'm fadin', thinkin'

"do something, babe, say something"
"lose something, babe, risk something"
"choose something, babe, i got nothing
to believe
unless you're choosin' me"

- taylor swift

and i miss you so much

a part of me feels like it’s missing.

seems like everybody's falling in love except for me
maybe i
maybe i'll find love when i'm 23
they say "boy just make up your mind
you're wasting your time waiting
for someone who will set you free
well i'm sorry but i disagree
and all the stars in TV shows
act like it's so wrong to be alone
but why's it so hard for them to see that
i'm good by myself
but that don't mean that i don't
want that someone else
to finally fall in love with
cuz i'm not lonely
but i'll take my one and only
if she finds me then i won't say no
i guess nobody finds the wrong way to do it right
maybe i
maybe i'll find love in another life
because i'd rather wait a million days
than settle for a lie
that fake love is a waste of time
and fairy tales are overrated
i don't mean to come off jaded
- kyle hume

yes, she told me that the world is a scary place and that everyone is just out there to get me in this dog eat dog world. no one matters at the end of the day because everyone is selfish and only care about them so i should not depend on anyone or trust anyone but myself.

and at least, i’m not like you. i know that we both are inherently lonely and we want to run away from our own issues, so much so that we are willing to do anything and even sacrifice our happiness and drown ourselves in pain just so that we can ensure that we will survive. we have the exact same tendencies. but i’m so determined to not be a hypocrite like you. i want to change and i will continue to take actions to change. i really don’t understand how you can complain about everything but still choose to drown in your swamp, reinforcing all your negative and toxic behaviours and habits. i will never understand why. you’re the biggest hypocrite and scariest person i’ve known. you say you don’t understand why people like to set themselves on fire knowing that they’d get burnt but look at yourself. you’re setting yourself on fire and burning yourself every single day. you’re right when you say that you’d tell all your friends to run the hell away from you. because your self-destructive behaviours and mindset are just so mind-boggling and unbelievable. you talk about how other people are broke, yet you yourself are no better. you talk about how other people are using friends and lovers to fill the void in their lives but that’s what you’re doing too. you can’t even live on your own for one day. supper, supper, supper, fuck sake you don’t even really like these friends. you’re only friends with them because they’re convenient. hell, i bet you don’t even like going to the clubs. who the fuck can go so often and not get sick of it. you don’t even like these friends. you just don’t wanna go home and need company. you insult me for all my self-destructive behaviours but at least mine aren’t hurting anyone but myself and i’m working on it but what are you doing about yours? is this something you do to reaffirm yourself to make you feel better about yourself? idk? you make me feel sick.

and plus all the things i’ve heard, the lies you concoct, the sweet nothings you say to everyone, the manipulation, the act you put on to make yourself look good in front of others for your own ego, the way you just use people for your own benefit. every single thing was purposefully done for your own sake. you’re irresponsible, selfish and you don’t care about anything but yourself. i could go on and on about how incorrigible you really are.

i trusted you with all my life and was willing to do anything for you. and despite knowing all of your flaws, perhaps i still do and still am. somehow, even after taking off my rose-tinted glasses, i still can’t get over you and worry for you and love you. i know that there are much better people out there. i don’t know how i still feel this way despite everything and i really hate it. i ask myself all the time what is so likeable about you that i can’t get rid of my feelings. i think deep down, we just have some really fucked up mentality and just crave the things that hurt us most.

i think my biggest flaw and mistake from all of these is my naivety for trusting you and not respecting myself enough to sacrifice my dignity and self-worth all because i love you. and now i end up being in a very fucked up predicament and need a lot of time to heal from this shit. and meanwhile, you don’t even give a fuck and you don’t even know or care much i’m suffering because of you. the only thing you know how to do is to use your words to manipulate and seek sympathy.

why do i carry a lighter with me all the time then? just in case you need it.

and although i’m giving up on you, i will forever carry a lighter in my bag from now on. it will remind me of how much i loved you and remind me to never make the same mistake loving someone like you again.

but on 20/1/24, i was feeling this.

it’s painful and hard to cut people off. but when you know that it’s gonna be best for you, you just have to do it, even when you’re going to be misjudged or misunderstood by people. i mean, they wouldn’t know what you know. and when they share different beliefs and morals with you, it’s gonna be really hard to get them to see eye to eye with you. but see, in life, everyone is for their own. so no matter what, you have to put yourself first. and to do that, sometimes you just gotta sacrifice some things.

funny how if i look back on this again one day, i’m definitely gonna laugh over it.

a LEOpard never changes its spots.

not us getting angry at the way he treated both of us.

well at least now it’s the calm after the storm. i just feel so numb and disoriented now. i feel like everyone and everything is a lie and people are only around when they need you. when they’re done with using you or they can’t seem to use you, you will just be dumped aside. everyone is the same and no one can be trusted. fuck everyone. i feel like i having derealization episodes. and i don’t know what to do about it. everything feels like a dream, everything feels so unreal. and i can’t wake up from it. fuck man.

however, yesterday got me wondering about many things. i realised how little i meant to people. and how promises can be broken so easily. and that no one can be trusted. and that everything is a lie and people suck. the very person that can promise you that the friendship will never end and treat you so nicely a week ago can just go all cold on you. they can treat you like you’re the world to them one minute and the next, when they find someone better, they can just ignore you and dump you aside when they realise they can’t make use of you anymore. and i fucking hate that. i fucking hate humans. i hate humans even more when they can’t shut the fuck up and mind their own business and constantly announce their issues to the rest of the world. like fuck you. i fucking hate you. just shut your fucking trap and die.

this is truly the guy that awoken something in us

making us realise how broken we both are

and not because of him, but because he triggered this sense of realization in us that some people are just inherently like that truly, refusing to fix themselves

and running away from their problems and themselves

and because of that, i refuse to go down the same road as him at all cost

no matter how painful it is to face reality, i will always do it

i will force myself to come to terms with the painful feeling and learn to grow out of it

i don’t want to end up being as delusional and ignorant as him

i refuse to.

this is one good thing that came out of him, amongst many other reasons

he taught me that i never want to be as hopeless and useless as him

he taught me that when someone says you deserve better, you truly do, you run. i have raised my standards after him

i will never ever date a fucking loser like him ever again

he taught me that i refuse to be avoidant or i’ll end up like

he taught me that i should never trust people so easily and give my everything to them, as much as it is in my character to do that because people can be that deceiving

i will never let anyone take advantage of my kindness and unconditional love that is so precious

i won’t stop loving people, i just will stop loving the wrong person

he taught me to listen to my gut feeling and stay true to my morals and set my boundaries right. when things overstep, the line, don’t be afraid to walk away even when it hurts or even when it’s hard

he taught me that what other people think of me doesn’t matter, people believe what they choose to believe and eventually, the truth will come out one day and be apparent to everyone else

i should just listen to myself and trust myself

karma always wins.

and that everything is a lie, everything is just an illusion.

and last but not least, never make friends or find guys at the club

south korea only performed in the last 10 min of the match

but cho mvp and hwang hee chan was the deciding man for pens

goalkeeper was on point too

overall a very exciting match

ily south korea national football team

i realised that i no longer feel anything after you, just a sense of neutrality. i feel numb.

but then i drove past your house last night and i suddenly felt like, maybe i don’t hate you anymore. and maybe this is how you feel and it’s not your fault for feeling this way, although it is your fault for choosing to behave this way. but i understand, it must have hurt with all those pain. you’re just traumatised and scared and never quite understood how love works. you haven’t gotten a chance to work through it. and suddenly, i just don’t hold a grudge against you anymore. because i truly believe that deep down inside of you, there exist a beautiful soul still, waiting to be healed. i loved that beautiful soul inside of you, beneath what you show on the outside and i believe that there will come a day where that soul and your true self will supersede this superficial appearance that you’re exhibiting. and i think i forever will, just like how i end up forgiving people and loving them still. i think i can never truly hate people even when i say i do.