Vose - Be Concise by CSUCI https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu Find an example of a sentence or two from something you wrote for another class. Copy and paste it here. Then reply using one of the strategies for eliminating clutter in your writing and being more concise. Be sure to come back to read what your classmates share! en-us 2020-08-22 14:09:40 UTC 2025-11-21 00:36:18 UTC hello@padlet.com https://padlet.net/icons/png/1f5b1.png Sample Post CSUCI https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/947255533 2020-11-20 22:00:46 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/947255533 katherinecarr326 https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/947370571 "I tend to get distracted very easily so it helps to make sure I surround myself with an environment where I can stay focused an on task. " One way I could eliminate cluster is to use better word choice and to not be repetitive. "focused" and "on task" may seem repetitive so by using only one of them, it could lighten up the cluster. ]]> 2020-11-20 23:15:51 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/947370571 briannabolles164 https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/950289353 "I looked up several reviews of this book and they all said something along the lines of 'comical masterpiece' or 'I have never laughed this hard'. I have not found a single thing funny or comical about this book. "
In the second sentence I wrote "funny or comical" and both of those words have basically the same meaning so I could remove one of them to make my writing less cluttered.]]> 2020-11-22 19:52:39 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/950289353 joslyneconstant270 https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/953826430 In some families, if the rate of assimilation into American culture is either too fast or at 
a different rate than their immigrant parents, then it may cause conflict

one way i can reduce  cluster is to add a period instead of the comma  and add fewer words.
 
]]> 2020-11-23 19:48:07 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/953826430 Maribel Pantoja https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/954154253  "Also Elfhame because one; the crown needs to be safe and worn by the rightful heir, two in addition to Jude having a time limit in which she needs to figure out how to win the folk over until Oak is ready to rule." 

Here I made this sentence much shorter because the original was a run-on that I didn't notice at first. And also added commas and a semicolon]]> 2020-11-23 21:52:52 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/954154253 Octavio Rodriguez https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/957261511 "As far as research I did not have to do a lot of it for this because a lot of it comes up in the media and it will even come out in the news and for recent times the black lives matter movement that is going on for these very reasons."
one way I can avoid cluster here is by phrasing the beginning of the sentence different so that i don't have some repeating words.]]> 2020-11-24 17:59:59 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/957261511 Eunice Garcia https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/958595227 " My assumption about the book before I started reading was that it would only really talk about the journey of Malcolm X. "

I could declutter this  sentence by taking words that aren't needed. For example, " My initial assumption of the book was that it would only talk about Malcolm's journey" I would also add a few words.
 ]]> 2020-11-25 03:59:28 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/958595227 Natalie Chaidez https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/961796836 "The reading also states that testimonio and LatCrit both go hand in hand when it comes to revealing injustices caused by oppression,challenging dominant Eurocentric ideologies, validating experiential knowledge, acknowledging the power of human collectivity, and commitment to racial and social justice because they both tend to be on the side of colored people."

one way I could change this sentence is by making sure I make my sentence shorter.

]]> 2020-11-25 22:24:16 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/961796836 Megan Shipston https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/961851234 "Coronavirus has also changed the way people shop, and more specifically how frequently. Global consumerism is decreasing but it is starting to go back up"  
To declutter my sentence I decided to take out "And more specifically how frequently" and combine the sentences. I think this flows a little bit better and is less wordy. ]]> 2020-11-25 23:06:50 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/961851234 Ruiming Zhang https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/961953418 "The Wilmot Proviso was a brief amendment to a piece of legislation and sparked a heated debate on slavery in the late 1840s. The amendment had impacts on the compromise of 1850, the emergence of the short-lived Free Soil Party, and eventually, the establishment of the Republican Party."

As shown above, I combined two sentences into one to make the definition of Wilmot Proviso more concise. ]]> 2020-11-26 00:24:13 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/961953418 Bemennet Addis https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962398099 For my research project, I when on the school library page and search for an article about violence in inner cities because the book that I am researching about violence mostly is one of the important themes that impacted the main characters the most. 

To declutter my sentence I decided to take the word" I" since I use it to much and combine two sentences into one.]]> 2020-11-26 05:02:07 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962398099 Luis Colon https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962437558 For this project I will be using my own weight and time as data.
To declutter my sentence  I took out "my data and the data itself will still have to do with weight and time but rather" . It was basically repeating what I stated above in different words and was not necessary within the sentence.]]> 2020-11-26 05:27:17 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962437558 Letzy Vargas https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962442705 I am very interested in reading a book that has a romance plot, yet at the same time have some thriller themes behind the actual romance. Overall, the book of Frankenstein has inspired me to watch the film and become more inclined to the thriller genre.

To declutter my sentences, I would edit, "I am interested in reading a book that has a romance/thriller genre." I took out extra words so that my initial sentence can be much more clear.]]> 2020-11-26 05:30:40 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962442705 Graham Callaghan https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962459756 I would have to argue that the information in this article is reliable because of where it came from and who published it. The information in this article came from the GenForward survey project at the University of Chicago.

To declutter my sentences here, I would remove the "The information in this article" part from the beginning of the second sentence. It is too repetitive and it is already mentioned in the first sentence. I would change the second sentence to say, "The GenForward survey was a project conducted by the University of Chicago."]]> 2020-11-26 05:41:18 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962459756 Yanet Aparicio https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962499828 I find it amazing that we learn from things that aren't human because it's technically like teaching yourself what you didn't know or something that you want more information on. 

One way I can reduce cluster is by making it either two sentences or deleting words I don't really need like "human" or "teaching yourself what you didn't know or something that you want more information on" since it's kind of repeating the same idea. ]]> 2020-11-26 06:04:58 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962499828 Valeria Navarro https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962526334 "In my four years of high school, the most essays I ever wrote were a couple essays each year"
"I was only assigned a couple essays each year of high school. "
I reduced cluster by eliminating many words and the comma. I rephrased the sentence so that I wouldn't have to use as many words.]]> 2020-11-26 06:18:23 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962526334 Allisa Morell https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962546202 "Thinking about how the author, Julia Alvarez, wrote the book after a true story makes me wonder how she could include all the sad events. I know that they were a part of the story, but sometimes when I was reading I would get sad and feel really bad for the family. "
To declutter my sentences I would combine them saying," While reading a true story by Julia Alvarez, it was painful to think of someone having to go through these tragic events in real life, especially when they were about your family"

]]> 2020-11-26 06:28:59 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962546202 Isabella Garcia https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962574742 " I would want to explore more on this topic because we would see mainly women doing the 'domestic work' when it comes to not only being a woman, but also a mother." 

I decluttered this sentence by doing at least 2 sentences so that it isn't a run on.  ]]> 2020-11-26 06:43:19 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962574742 Carmen Krebs https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962720257 "I found the information in this chapter very helpful and it is something that could help in both my life and career in the future. "

"The information I found in this chapter is useful for my life and career."

I decluttered my sentence by removing extra words that were not necessary, yet still got my message across.
 ]]> 2020-11-26 07:51:14 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962720257 Jackelyn Vazquez https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962733031 All these little things that I knew I could have fixed in high school to get better grades, I am finally realizing that I was so easy to fix what I had made an error on. Therefore, this made me realize that doing little revising and fixing my mistakes would definitely make my paper look more refined and better understanding than the papers that I never looked back at before. 

To declutter my sentences, I will transition from two to one sentence using punctuation marks. For example, “Doing a little revising and fixing the mistakes I had on the paper would make my essay look more refined; this would’ve helped me out if I payed more close attention in high school.”]]> 2020-11-26 07:56:50 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/962733031 Jaqueline Ramirez https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/977353120 "Before I chose this book I did my research and read reviews. Almost every review I saw was encouraging and raving about the book and her story."

"Before I chose this book I did a lot of research on it, almost every review I saw raved about the book."

I decluttered my sentences by combining them and removing unnecessary words.]]> 2020-12-01 19:40:35 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/977353120 Carlos Sanchez carlossanchez696 https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/982738139 "The ICAs were just as interactive as they were last time, but they feel new and fresh, not to mention the sharing of various views on account of nearly everyone having a different book choice. Variety is constructive and it makes my fellow pupils feel more individualized."
"The ICAs were interactive, like they were last time, but they felt new and fresh. There were various views, given nearly everyone chose a unique book. Variety is constructive and it allowed me to view my fellow peers as individuals"
I added commas to cut out any unnecessary words so that it is easier to read. I also made the last sentence more personal by adding "me".]]> 2020-12-03 06:56:30 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/982738139 Daniel Sanchez https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/990792461 "The article that gives me advice for college I think will help me but I haven't been applying what it's been telling me to do yet because I haven't gotten any opportunities to. The articles are relevant to what's happening right now because of online school. I find it very hard to stay focused in a class when because I can literally do anything else so easily without anybody catching what I'm doing which makes it very tempting to do something else."

I removed one sentence and I combined the last 2 sentences into 1 by using transitions.]]> 2020-12-06 01:53:16 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/990792461 Alina Vane alinavane587 https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/992151664 Original: “The main purpose of this article is to highlight the fact that the problem of the school to prison pipeline is partly due to the cultural and societal perception of people of color (within white and non-white communties), which also hurt children of color so they are significantly under-diagnosed with ADHD.”

Revised: “The article highlights that the school to prison pipeline is partly due to cultural and societal perceptions of people of color. These negative perceptions hurt children of color, because they are much less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD.”

To be more concise I separated the sentence into two straightforward sentences. I made sure to exclude unnecessary words, that didn’t add anything to the point of the sentence.


]]> 2020-12-06 20:49:59 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/992151664 Monique Balan https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/992410470 Original: 
The first article mostly deals with the theme the author is arguing towards mental health in gender identities and it responds to data/statistics around the issue. The second article creates a massive perspective as a reader because they put people as evidence to view different influences from different cultures, religions, and people’s perspectives and the way they interact in the real world.
Revised: 
The first article mostly mentions mental health in gender identities in responds to data/statistics around the issue. The second article creates a massive perspective to the reader by viewing different influences from different cultures, religions, and people’s perspectives and the way they interact in the real world. 
What I did was creating the sentences shorter but concise with details provided. I wanted the sentences to make sense and be forthright.

 


]]> 2020-12-07 00:36:24 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/992410470 Lizbeth Gonzalez https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/995617930 I feel like her curiosity is what is getting the best of her
and after all, what she did was sort of rude in my opinion. I don’t think it’s a very good idea to go
snooping through my late sister’s things just to find out exactly what I was suspecting just to make
myself feel better.
As I take a look back at these two sentences I wrote for one of my English Journals I have noticed I used " filler words" quite often which makes it look repetitive and have the sentence stretched out longer.]]> 2020-12-07 19:15:21 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/995617930 Estrella Barbosa https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/996874964  Original:
I’ve always seen writing as a conversation, I think in a way I have imitated authors but I think it is mainly more of what I see than what I read. I’ve always liked writing from the first-person point of view because with every word I type I feel as if I’m conversing with someone.
revised:
 I’ve always seen writing as a conversation. I like writing from the first-person point of view because with every word I type I feel as if I’m conversing with someone, so in a way I do imitate authors.
 
I focused on my structure and made it more concise. I realized some part didn't make sense so I took it out. The first two times I read it, it made sense but now that I did it didn't.]]> 2020-12-08 04:20:43 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/996874964 Nathan Martinez https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/1000945088 original: 
When I decided to read the autobiography of Malcolm X all I wanted to do was learn more about an important figure in the African American community.
revised:
I chose to read the autobiography of Malcolm X because I wanted to learn more about about him.]]> 2020-12-09 04:36:31 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/1000945088 Frankie Sanchez https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/1001059265 original:
Comparing myself from high school writing to how I am now I can see the drastic change it has brought up on me I am more specific on what I talk about and I give more details towards a certain topic when before I would just go on and on about nonsense that didn’t really relate to what I need to talk about.
revised :
coming in too college my writing skills have improved dramatically compared to how they were in high school.]]> 2020-12-09 05:43:24 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/1001059265 Angeles Agredano https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/1004632197 Original: Not only did connecting with my writing and opening myself to different structure developments improve my college writing, but I noticed the change I was building towards English 105. 
Revised:
My progress towards English 105 was due to my progress in connecting with my writing and applying different strategies for structure and revision. 

I changed the structure of my sentence into active. I approached the meaning of my sentence differently to be more concise and straight to the point

]]> 2020-12-10 01:19:25 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/1004632197 Kellee Olmedo https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/1012021504 Original: Highschool has many challenges for me. I know academically wise, my freshman and sophomore year I didn’t really pass my classes and when it came to graduation, I had to work hard my senior year to fix the classes. Everyone has their own story about their times in high school.

Everyone has their own story when it comes to high school. for me personally, at the beginning of high school, I struggled a little with classes and it caused me a set back when it came to my senior year.

I changed the structure of my sentences to be more simple and better structured. ]]> 2020-12-12 08:08:57 UTC https://padlet.com/csuci/o0namp11ngq8t4iu/wish/1012021504