I don’t recall having a loving conversation with him. I often called him out on his behaviour, which made it difficult to form any real bond. He was frustrating and trapped in a cycle of battling his demons just to function as a parent. Towards the end of his life, he had to live separately from us due to his unsafe alcohol use. 

He also cheated on my mother and wasn’t a moral person, even during the rare times he was sober. Unfortunately, he was more of a source of pain than a role model.

Despite it all, I felt sorry for him—and sad that he couldn’t give us the stable future other families seemed to have. I always felt he picked alcohol over us…

As a result of my upbringing, I’m definitely scared of and tend to really overthink intimate relationships. I often worry that a romantic partner like my father could ruin my life, which makes it difficult for me to trust or depend on anyone.

I struggle to talk to people I’m interested in and rarely pursue anyone. I prefer to block out this part of my life and avoid thinking about it altogether.

I do believe in the fairytales and wholesome love, but just not for me. 

I know I have a heavily skewed and unhealthy view of what love should be—putting it politely.

I did not realize I was parentified until a few years ago. I was a little adult, basically - I was always worrying about everything. Around 13 I started to get fed up with my dad being such a dick when he got drunk because somebody just disagreed with something he said - his defensiveness was insane and honestly now I see it as pitiful. I started calling him out and he did NOT like that. He called me all sorts of names - and then eventually my mom would break it up and blame me for "riling him up". Both my parents could be kind of radioactive, just in different ways. If something set off my dad (and truly it was impossible to know what) he would be sullen and sulky all day and try to make us all feel guilty. If my mom was mad she would go silent but just radiated so much anger that the house was really tense. In either case, everybody had to be as miserable as whichever one of them got mad.

Through high school I had to be even more responsible for things - my mom leaned on me a LOT. I became very anxious and depressed, and I definitely blamed my dad for this - I could never just be a teenager. Our relationship got better after I moved out to go to college - except then when I got a degree he started getting triggered by my saying anything that could be connected to me having gotten a college degree, because he doesn't have one. I could not be proud of myself.

So anyway, mostly our relationship has been me feeling resentful, angry, and anxious because he couldn't be bothered to grow up and that meant I had to grow up too quickly. I am still very resentful, but honestly we get along fine when I see him. This is only because I worked out with my therapist that there are some reasons in his background (raised by single parent, poverty, abusive stepdads) that explain (but don't excuse) why he is like this, and though I wish he would develop some self awareness and work through his bullshit, he is not going to, and I had to decide to put the resentment to rest and learn to be okay knowing I'd never get an apology and also to grieve the dad I wish that he had been.

He was my primary example of a man growing up. He shaped my idea of what a man is - and so I have these built-in assumptions about every potential partner from our first interaction. From the list below, you can understand why it has been impossible for me to sustain a relationship with a man - I cannot get over the fear that they just want to use me. Even when I try to challenge myself to work out of this, years and years of believing something is hard to shape - it's baked deep down in my brain.

Based on watching my dad, I came to believe that:

• You can never rely on a man - they are not dependable. You can ask him, but you have to be ultimately responsible for everything or else things will be missed.

  • Evidenced by years and years of seeing him say he would do something - for example "I'll cut down my drinking to X per week," or even just "I'll take the trash out tonight" - and failing to do it (often leaving me or my mom to do it). 

  • Also evidenced by him not knowing our dentist, or doctor, or anybody involved in our (my brother and I's) lives unrelated to sports, not remembering his own family members birthdays, needing me to remind him about mother's day and my mom's birthday, etc. etc. 

• Men are selfish and takers. They will take and take and take until you force them to stop. They will give only when it has some direct benefit for them - mostly sex or respect from other men.

  • My dad was apparently happy to watch my mom exhausted from doing everything on her own, and to watch me sacrifice my childhood to pick up his slack because I couldn't bear to see her so tired and stressed. He wasn't willing to sacrifice his leisure for either of us. By the time I was in my late teens I'd already started saying "If loving someone means you can watch them suffer and not lift a finger to help them when you can, then I don't want love at all." 

  • My dad showed me that he only thought about himself - we were like side characters in a movie about him. Big things like when he got drunk and stayed up until 5am playing loud music at full volume the night before my graduate school entrance exam. This was also the night before my brother took his SAT. I am not sure if he was blackout or not, but he never apologized. Little things like going to the grocery store, and never thinking if anybody else needs anything, or getting lunch out by himself while we were at home on his way back from errands but never thinking we might be hungry.

• Men are much less capable of empathy, especially for women. Don't expect them to try to understand your perspective - they are unwilling to try. 

  • This I learned by him being completely unable to believe that anyone's experience could be different from his own. For example, he never believed that I've been groped so many times, because he's never seen it happen before. He never thought my period cramps were painful, because he said they were just a stomachache. Obviously this is also how he saw his drinking problem (he did not believe he had one). 

• Men don't want to love and serve, they want to be loved and be served. 

  • My dad really only seemed interested in my mom for what she could do for him - cook him food, provide and raise kids, bring home an additional paycheck, give him access to a female body, etc. He was in no way romantic - he never did little things for my mom without her asking, he forgot her birthday and mother's day without my reminders, he didn't care about my mom's inner life and I basically was swapped in to be her confidant.

We moved homes when I was 15, that's when he started drinking a lot. I think he found the new hotel job to be quite stressful but he also had much better access to alcohol and time to drink as part of it was socialising with guests in the evening. 

He would then drink even when there weren't guests though and this was every day, with drinks getting earlier in the day. It would still be at an 'acceptable' time. It was clearly important to him that we or he didn't see himself as someone with alcohol issues. He would say he didnt drink in the morning so he wasn't dependant. He had to drink daily though, starting at 4pm or earlier most days. And would get drunk every night. He then wouldn't remember the awful things he said or did the next day. He was always defensive and argumentative when drunk, looking to start a fight. My mum would never stick up for me when this happened. Saying she didn't want to be in the middle but usually taking his side or none. The things he said still stick with me and I can't forget them.

I would be so scared and would often phone a friend, usually a man, so I could leave the house and be with someone I felt safe with. I think I looked for safety and comfort with other men, probably seeking protection.

I definitely wanted love and affection from men when I was younger and became sexually active at 13. I generally slept with anyone who would give me attention and didn't really think about whether I wanted to or not. This put me in some dangerous situations and I was assaulted at 15. 

I'm not blaming this on my parents at all. I know they had their reasons for drinking. But I do think that feeling unsafe and unloved from the main male role model in my life probably contributed to my attening seeking and validation needing behaviours around men.

I now feel so conflicted as when my dad is sober he's wonderful. So kind and generous. I just don't speak to him or see him past 5pm now. I can't risk it. 

I don't drink and haven't for over 5 years. I hate the idea of being out of control and being a different person when drunk. I hate thinking I could hurt someone or say or do something out of character that I regret. I also feel so uncomfortable being around others who are drunk and avoid situations where this could happen. 

From what I understand my dad was a drinker in his 20s and his addiction to alcohol escalated over time, especially after the company he worked for closed their facility in our region. I have childhood memories of going to the package store with him and going to the grocery store with my mom to cash in his beer cans. I think getting rewards - like a yoohoo drink and money from the can deposits - and viewing these trips like a regular event masked the severity of his addiction, but I did notice his outbursts towards my mom and older sibling.

Saying the wrong thing or doing something he didn't like would be like turning a switch on for his manic behavior - but you never knew what he would be upset about. He could tell my mom to make a certain dish for dinner while in a good mood and by the time he walked through the doorway after work he'd be screaming at her. The rare family vacation was usually tense. I frequently remember more bad incidents than any good experiences we had.

He was, and continues to be a mean and selfish drunk. His behavior limited if or when I could have friends visit. Eventually it felt pretty isolating because my older sibling moved out while they were in high school - my dad was more aggressive towards them but after they left my mom and I were his targets. My mom, when not doing housework, would lock herself in my sibling's room to avoid my dad's verbal abuse. There were many nights where he would play music on the stereo at the highest volume before going to bed on the opposite side of the house, leaving us to stay awake unless we dared to turn it off. To this day I can't stand excessively loud music or the artists that he listens to.

When I attempted to go to college after high school he would sometimes lock me out of the house at night, or remove the mouse and keyboard from the family computer to prevent me from using the computer. I would sometimes get a call from my mom to pick her up at Grandma's because he'd lock her out of the house, too. Extracurricular activities and hobbies I continued to do as an adult were considered immature. If my family had events planned he would drink excessively beforehand, to the point where he would either not attend or show up drunk. I was always embarrassed if other people asked where my dad was. Confrontations with him about his behavior were usually disastrous, and during one of the worst incidents he spit on my face.

As an adult I continue to feel isolated, although other relatives or my sibling mistake it as me being independent. I don't have friends. I have a voicemail saved on my phone from 2013 - the last time one of my friends called me. I've coped with the loneliness at my workplace, where I'm a bit of a workaholic but I enjoy the kindness of my coworkers. I constantly miss events or talk down plans for myself out of fear something bad will happen. Ironically I loathe people who have the same cowardice. There are some things I go out and do alone for the sake of going - like to see a favorite musician, but in the back of my head I don't think I enjoy being by myself so much. I don't drink and I hate the way people lose control of themselves when they're drunk.

I have never been in a long-term relationship and I feel so abnormal and fearful that I'd fall into a relationship like my mom's that I continue to be single. I paid for & completed my college degree in my late 20s/early 30s and I feel like I completely skipped the part of life where people are supposed to have their major life milestones or get assistance from their parents - before this I always felt like i never had a good enough job, vehicle, or personality to be worth someone else's time. In hindsight that negative thinking just isolated me even more from my peers and trapped me with my parents.

I currently feel like a vagrant because my parents home is not safe and I've jumped around rentals with roommates to avoid having to return there. One of my roommates was a covert alcoholic and living with her was like reliving my childhood - albeit with a sad drunk, not the angry kind. She did not consider herself an addict because she is not an angry drunk. Although she was nice it felt like I was always overly cautious of her emotional triggers and I'd estimate how many drinks she had by looking at the boxes in the fridge & trash. I long for the day that I might have a place of my own where I don't feel like I'm occupying someone else's space or imagining bad situations based on their behaviors.

My mom has told me that my dad seems to be aware that his drinking is causing his health to fail, but as far as I know his behavior has not changed. A couple of his relatives have died from alcohol associated illnesses and I think it's only a matter of time before things fall apart.

In my childhood my dad always drank, every night after work either at home or at the pub. He was loving sometimes but could switch in the space in a couple of drinks however sometimes it didn’t even matter how much he drank, he would just wake up a nasty and negative person.

We were close when I was younger, he was loving and warm and a good dad but this wasn’t consistent. I could be cuddled up in the sofa with him one minute and the next he would be kicking off with my mum about his work or something to do with her.

Something that stuck with me from being a little kid was I remember hearing him call her ‘frigid’ and hearing how he never ‘got anything from her’ and ‘what’s the point in being together if we don’t have sex’ etc. This argument was had almost every other week, at the time I didn’t realise how damaging it can be for conversation of that context to be taking place in front of a child.

Over the years he had also been messaging other women and doing god knows what when he would go to the pub.

As I grew into my teens his behaviour never changed if anything it got worse, this began taking a toll on my mental health and I started acting out at school and at home.

I became sexually active in my early teens I craved male attention and would put myself in really bad situations. I got assaulted at 14 by an ex boyfriend during this time I started drinking and trying drugs and ended up going down a dark path. I was then diagnosed with anxiety and depression and put on antidepressants. My dad never tried to talk to me about anything which made us even more disconnected, I felt as if I didn’t even have a dad anymore not like everyone else’s.

when I was 14-16 he continued to progressively get worse, more anger and smashing things up and i began the same behaviour. For a couple of months I was worse than him screaming and smashing the house up when I didn’t get my way.

Through out my teen years I recognise now that a lot of my behaviour was a mirror reflection of my dads until I finally got help by professionals.

One day my mum had enough of his drinking / commitment issues and gave him an ultimatum, either go to rehab and stop drinking or leave.

He chose rehab and went for 4 weeks, once he came out he stuck to it but he hadn’t changed. He was still the same but not smashing things up, he was just angry.

He tried therapy but couldn’t do it for longer than a 2-3 months, he started to have more problems with my mum going out and then decided to speak to another woman again. She did try again to give him ANOTHER chance so he moved out of the house so they could have space and work on things which he ruined by getting drunk and kicking off after being sober for a year or so.

After all that I’m now 21 and hardly speak to him, I have tried to maintain a relationship but he is very nasty about my mum and constantly makes horrible comments about her.

I think this pattern led me to discount my own needs, self sacrifice and oppress my emotions to find safety. I found it hard to speak up and express how I was feeling when it wasn’t what I perceived my partner would want. I felt fear, attachment towards their presence in my life. I devalued my worth in the process.

I’m 29 right now