The first is, I don’t have a perfect label for you, but some words you might use are that you’re attracted to guys and transmasc nonbinary folks or “masc-of-center” nonbinary folks. (“masc” is just slang for “stereotypically masculine in presentation” and often gets used alongside “femme”. Both masc and femme are terms to describe gender expression – so you can be a femme guy who is cis OR trans, for example.) Or maybe you’re attracted to non-masc nonbinary folks too, in which case, great, you can say that! There might be a word out there that perfectly labels the ways you’re attracted to people, or maybe that word will show up in the next few years as language shifts along with culture. 

Personally, I love the word “queer” because it’s an umbrella that doesn’t need me to explain anything about my desire or attraction except that it’s not purely heterosexual… but you may find something else that feels right for you! And honestly, it’s ALSO ok if that something is “I’m straight but with this exception, that’s what feels right to me” – great! Only you get to say what words you own, and it’s ok if it changes. 

And that is my second answer: labels are often a site of cognitive dissonance. They can be amazing: empowering, show you you’re not alone, that there are other people out there who share your experiences, or help you explain yourself to others around you. And AT THE SAME TIME they can be a source of pain or discomfort, especially because they can trap you into falsely believing that if you use a certain word for yourself then you should feel a certain way, or look a certain way, or believe certain things, or have certain experiences. And that is a straight up lie. People are messy and complicated, and no label can truly contain us. 

You might find a word that works for you right now and helps you understand yourself a little better. Maybe it’ll show up later this summer or your senior year. Maybe that will stay the same for five or fifteen or fifty years, and maybe it won’t. Ambiguity and non-closure are some of the hardest things for some of us to deal with, and this definitely pushes our comfort levels. 

When it gets really hard, I hope you can hold on to your high school librarian telling you this with her whole queer heart: 
No matter who you desire or what words you use for yourself, you’re not alone. You’ve got this and we’ve got you. I don't know your name, but I see you. There’s space for your whole self in this world. And we are so, so glad you're here.

<3 Ms Scott