Designing Questions (ILU 2023) by Vineet Agrawal

Scenario

docvineet — 2020-09-11 09:50:29 UTC

Speaker : I grew up with an abusive father, a stay-at-home mother who is possibly autistic and a younger brother with cognitive delay. I’m in my 40s and Father is thankfully long dead. My brother lived with Mum, each caring for the other, until his sudden death three years ago.

I blame my mother for many things: for not protecting us; for raising us in squalor, and hoarding; for severing relationships with family members who could have supported us.

Following my brother’s death, I am her entire life – she is housebound. She disgusts me and it is an endurance test to be around her. I find it difficult when NHS professionals ask me to perform simple tasks, especially if they involve physical contact. I feel that society expects daughters to look after their mothers and there are significant taboos for those who can’t.

I haven’t spoken to Mother about this. She seems unable to empathise and is likely to “get depressed”. My hope is that she dies soon. I don’t think I will feel anything but relief.

1. Write your understanding of what the speaker wants

docvineet — 2020-09-11 09:58:27 UTC

2. Identify information you need from the speaker to understand / explore the emotion / situation of the speaker

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:01:43 UTC

3. c) Write questions you will ask

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:02:54 UTC

Scenario

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:03:52 UTC

Speaker : My mother is always shouting at me to do to do more work around the house. She expects me to take out the garbage, clean the floors, cook, clean the room - she goes on and on. Last night I had an argument with my mother and we ended up screaming at each other. I ran out of the room, slammed my bedroom door, and stayed there the rest of the night. I feel very bad about it, but I don’t know what to do. I’m so angry about all the times she’s blamed me when it wasn’t my fault.

1. Write your understanding of what the speaker wants

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:04:01 UTC

2. Identify information you need to understand / explore the emotion / situation of the speaker

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:04:07 UTC

Scenario

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:04:45 UTC

Speaker : I’m in my late 20s and live and work abroad. My parents live in India and are very overprotective and controlling. Mum does everything financial for me – she has all my bank passwords; the statements go to her address and she controls my savings.

I am a teacher with a reputable international company, but my parents don’t like my job and regularly tell me I need to come home. They refuse to use my girlfriend’s name and repeatedly refer to her as “your friend”. Our relationship is generally one of obligation. It is impossible to talk to my dad because, if you disagree with him, he gets abusive and violent. Mum sees danger everywhere and is paranoid that something bad might happen.

Whenever my parents want me to do something they guilt-trip me and call me immature until they get what they want. If I go to the club when I’m home, they want to know exactly who I’m with and want to give me a lift there and back. This level of suffocation is stifling. I don’t think they would be receptive to talking without getting violent or angry. I don’t want to cut them out of my life entirely, but I can’t carry on like this.

1. Write your understanding of what the speaker wants

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:05:29 UTC

2. Identify information you need to understand / explore the emotion / situation of the speaker

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:05:37 UTC

Scenario

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:05:53 UTC

Speaker : Last week I discovered that my wife of 40 years has had breast cancer for two years. She claims she kept it a secret from me in order not to upset me or our adult children. A few days later, we discovered the cancer has progressed to her bones.

I have to come to terms with the fact that I will probably soon be a widower, but also with the emotions surrounding my exclusion from the illness. Were it not for the fact that these last two years have probably been our best ever, this would feel like the ultimate betrayal of trust. I’m convinced that one of the reasons she hid this from me was because she treated it exclusively with alternative medicine and knew I would oppose this.

Many of my emotions are unacceptable in the context of illness and bereavement. Anger at her lack of trust in me isn’t a good companion to sadness. My tears alternate with resentment and the mixture is difficult to reconcile. Whereas she wants to stay positive, I know that the prognosis is quite the opposite. Added to my disarray is the fact that she wants no one else to know about her situation. To avoid lying and faking, I have cut off activities with my closest friends, so I now have to deal with this alone. Any advice will be appreciated.

1. Write your understanding of what the speaker wants

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:06:02 UTC

2. Identify information you need to understand / explore the emotion / situation of the speaker

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:06:09 UTC

Scenario

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:06:24 UTC

Speaker : My husband had to leave his job in April. Since then he’s been enjoying his freedom, doing random things, etc. I hear him tell people what a great time he’s having – which I should be pleased about as he used to work long hours – but it’s very different for me. I work from home in a job I hate. I have no office, so I work at the kitchen table or in the living room. I am constantly disturbed by him or our children. What doesn’t help is that I started my role last year and have slowly come to the realisation that it’s not right for me. However, now is not the time to start looking for other work. I find it really hard not to be resentful of my husband, while I struggle like this. I get up each morning and cry. I feel utterly miserable.

I am talking to my HR department about reducing my hours, but with my husband on furloughed pay we have seen a reduction in our income. I’m not sure what else I can do. Weekends are ruined because I obsess about Monday, and taking days off seems wasted as it delays the inevitable start back at work.

1. Write your understanding of what the speaker wants

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:06:32 UTC

2. Identify information you need to understand / explore the emotion / situation of the speaker

docvineet — 2020-09-11 10:06:42 UTC

3. a) Write statements to acknowledge the speaker's emotion

docvineet — 2020-09-11 15:50:48 UTC

3. b) Write statements to paraphrase what you have understood

docvineet — 2020-09-11 15:51:31 UTC

3. a) Write statements to acknowledge the speaker's emotion

docvineet — 2020-09-11 15:55:25 UTC

3. b) Write statements to paraphrase what you have understood

docvineet — 2020-09-11 15:55:33 UTC

3. c) Write questions you will ask

docvineet — 2020-09-11 15:55:42 UTC

3. a) Write statements to acknowledge the speaker's emotion

docvineet — 2020-09-11 15:55:58 UTC

3. b) Write statements to paraphrase what you have understood

docvineet — 2020-09-11 15:56:24 UTC

3. c) Write questions you will ask

docvineet — 2020-09-11 15:56:31 UTC

3. b) Write statements to paraphrase what you have understood

docvineet — 2020-09-11 15:56:48 UTC

3. c) Write questions you will ask

docvineet — 2020-09-11 15:57:02 UTC

3. a) Write statements to acknowledge the speaker's emotion

docvineet — 2020-09-11 15:57:13 UTC

3. b) Write statements to paraphrase what you have understood

docvineet — 2020-09-11 15:57:21 UTC

3. c) Write questions you will ask

docvineet — 2020-09-11 15:57:30 UTC

Scenario

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:34:17 UTC

Speaker : The lockdown has made it crushingly obvious how few friends I have, and I feel depressed and lonely. It feels as if everyone else is having Zoom parties, quizzes and virtual meet-ups, while I’m sending the odd message and going to bed early after spending the day talking to no one except my partner and one-year-old. In normal life, interactions with colleagues and “mum friends” helped disguise the fact I don’t foster close relationships. Now that it’s all about keeping in touch, there aren’t many people who are bothered about a catch-up with me.

1. Write your understanding of what the speaker wants

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:35:23 UTC

2. Identify information you need to understand / explore the emotion / situation of the speaker

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:35:33 UTC

3. a) Write statements to acknowledge the speaker's emotion

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:36:54 UTC

3. b) Write statements to paraphrase what you have understood

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:37:02 UTC

3. c) Write questions you will ask

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:37:09 UTC

Scenario

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:37:24 UTC

Speaker : My eldest daughter, now 20, was unfortunately witness to an unhappy marriage between me and her mother. Prior to me moving out of the family home, my daughter had firmly taken the side of my wife and there was no pleasant communication between us. My wife and I are now divorced.

Recently, though, our communication has improved and she requested to visit me for two weeks as she needed a quiet place to study and sit her online exams. I was delighted. However, almost immediately on arrival, she objected to me speaking to my girlfriend and complained that I was too noisy, that the workmen outside were disturbing her, etc.

On the sixth day she wrote a list of instructions on how I should behave during her exams, including remaining downstairs and keeping the volume on the TV low. I told her this was unacceptable and next thing I know she had asked her aunt to pick her up. When I tried to reconcile with her, I got a mouthful of abuse against my girlfriend, who she hasn’t even met. I will be grateful if you can tell me what may be happening here.

1. Write your understanding of what the speaker wants

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:38:42 UTC

2. Identify information you need to understand / explore the emotion / situation of the speaker

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:38:50 UTC

3. a) Write statements to acknowledge the speaker's emotion

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:38:59 UTC

3. b) Write statements to paraphrase what you have understood

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:39:08 UTC

3. c) Write questions you will ask

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:39:17 UTC

Scenario

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:39:29 UTC

Speaker : I’m 45, with a strong marriage, two kids and a good financial situation (thanks to my husband). I’ve had many different jobs over the years, but retrained in another profession last year and hoped to make a basic income from that. Then the pandemic hit.

I chose to leave my work so I could cope with everything. I take care of my parents (my mother almost died of a non-Covid-related issue) and children; fundraise; shop and deliver food to the many local families in need. My husband is also doing a lot of housework, cooking, etc, as well as working from home.

I know I am so privileged, but I feel like a failure. I have not accomplished anything as a professional in years. Friends tell me I ought to be happy and I keep telling myself the same, to no avail. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel it’s time to give up the idea of ever making a monthly income and instead be happy being a mother and wife, but I can’t shake the sadness this idea floods me with. I would appreciate any fresh ideas on this.

1. Write your understanding of what the speaker wants

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:40:41 UTC

2. Identify information you need to understand / explore the emotion / situation of the speaker

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:40:48 UTC

3. a) Write statements to acknowledge the speaker's emotion

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:40:59 UTC

3. b) Write statements to paraphrase what you have understood

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:41:10 UTC

3. c) Write questions you will ask

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:41:18 UTC

Scenario

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:41:32 UTC

Speaker : I’m a single mother of two. My 11-year-old daughter and I have constant disputes and I feel I’m failing at parenting. I don’t think it’s normal to engage in blow-ups at her age and I don’t want this to be our relationship. I work and find it very hard to balance everything. I can be quite tired and emotionally spent and then not have the patience I need to be the mum I want to be. I’m not happy with the fact that recently I smacked my daughter. I know I need help.

A few years back we did a class together that was supposed to bring us closer, and it was great. However, things have gone bad again now that she’s getting older. Her dad and I don’t get along well, so I have no back-up from him and never had any while we were living together. We just aren’t on the same page when it comes to parenting.

I know my daughter needs more of my time, so the other day I took her out for dinner. It was just us and we had fun. The trouble is I don’t have a great deal of free time with the house, the cooking, cleaning, shopping for groceries and working on top of that, too.

1. Write your understanding of what the speaker wants

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:42:32 UTC

2. Identify information you need to understand / explore the emotion / situation of the speaker

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:42:40 UTC

3. a) Write statements to acknowledge the speaker's emotion

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:42:49 UTC

3. b) Write statements to paraphrase what you have understood

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:42:58 UTC

3. c) Write questions you will ask

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:43:07 UTC

Scenario

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:55:37 UTC

Speaker : I split with my husband when my son was three – he was selfish and did not enjoy being a father. But we parted amicably and agreed to co-parent our son. I hoped for another relationship and another child.

Twelve years later and I have had one relationship, which caused my ex-husband to threaten suicide. He has constantly been in and out of my life – at first I thought he wanted to reconcile, but I realised he wants to cherry-pick the parts of marriage that suit him (mostly sex) and then go to his own house when he “needs space”. Whenever I put my foot down he threatens to take our son away. Even going to a solicitor didn’t help.

I feel like his mother. He turns up whenever he wants advice, and I help him (to my own detriment, as he is very depressive and pessimistic). He is on the autism spectrum and his family really don’t care about him. Other times he turns up for the evening with alcohol, wanting to stay the night and I let him, to save another argument. Our son is now 15 and my ex is still trying to get him to live with him, despite the fact that he works shifts and is out of the house for hours. Our son is tired of the situation and so am I, but I can’t see a way out. How will I ever have my own life?

1. Write your understanding of what the speaker wants

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:56:14 UTC

2. Identify information you need to understand / explore the emotion / situation of the speaker

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:56:35 UTC

3. a) Write statements to acknowledge the speaker's emotion

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:56:45 UTC

3. a) Write statements to acknowledge the speaker's emotion

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:57:18 UTC

3. b) Write statements to paraphrase what you have understood

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:57:24 UTC

3. c) Write questions you will ask

docvineet — 2020-09-12 04:57:29 UTC

2023-08-03 16:18:29 UTC

GET RID OF HUSBAND and break contact

2023-08-03 16:19:16 UTC

The speaker wants mothers understanding with limited control and less expectations

2023-08-03 16:20:13 UTC

The speaker wants to be understood and accepted by the mother with less control and expectations

The speaker wants to manage expectations with her mother and be appreciated?

1. Unserstanding of the speaker.

2023-08-03 16:20:15 UTC

The speaker wants an amicable relationship with his daughter. He is also looking for acceptance for his girlfriend.

2023-08-03 16:20:25 UTC

- independent life without interference and threatening of her husband
- good life for SON

2023-08-03 16:21:44 UTC

fear, suffocation and helplessness

What the speaker wants?

2023-08-03 16:23:04 UTC

The speaker wants to improve her relationship with her daughter. She wants a way where she can manage time and create a balance between her responsibilities and her relationship with her daughter. She wants approval for being a good mother for her daughter.

2023-08-03 16:23:45 UTC

1. wants to know how to deal with mixed emotions of sadness, anger and loneliness.

2. Information to understand.

2023-08-03 16:24:32 UTC

The speaker feels unloved and unaccepted. He wants to understand his daughter's emotions and wants to improve the relationship.

2023-08-03 16:24:43 UTC

The son is expected to carry out various tasks. Mother has high level of expectation and control. Boy bursts out in anger due to lack of love and feeling of helplessness.

Anger, lack of love, frustration, hurt, violent outburst

2023-08-03 16:25:11 UTC

Self-Acknowledgement, Professional Accomplishment & Self-Acceptance

2023-08-03 16:26:55 UTC

I have understood that your mother has a high level of expectation of you. She likes to dominate and control the situation leading to your outburst. The lack of love and understanding leads towards your frustration and violent outbursts

3a & 3b

2023-08-03 16:27:35 UTC

To my understanding, you have a fear of losing your son. Also, you are upset that your Ex-husband is using you.
You are still attached with your ex-husband.

2023-08-03 16:27:59 UTC

2. Acceptance, resentment, loneliness, helplessness, overwhelmed

2023-08-03 16:29:14 UTC

She acknowldges that she needs help and is feeling guilty for her behaviour with her daughter. She is feeling overwhelmed and lacking support. She feels she is failing as a parent.

2023-08-03 16:29:32 UTC

Self - Acceptance

Understanding of what the speaker wants

2023-08-03 16:29:43 UTC

She wants the husband to be more responsible and look for another job.

She is not able to enjoy her job because she is doing out of compulsion.

She is not getting support from her family.

2023-08-03 16:32:13 UTC

3 a - Many of my emotions are unacceptable.. difficult to reconcile.. disarray is the fact

Acknowldge speakers emotion

2023-08-03 16:33:41 UTC

1.What I understand from the given scenario you want to improve your relationship with your daughter.
2.You are trying your best by taking help and going out so can spend qualty time with your dauhter.
3.You are feeling bad and gulity for loosing your control and smacking your daughter.
4.You are to overwhlmed by the situation as you have no support from your partner and need to manage it alone.

2023-08-03 16:33:52 UTC

Could it be that you preempted your mothers reaction before you completed your tasks? (this is a leading question)

Do you experience similar reactions from your mother in other situations? (this is a closed question)

3. (a,b) Speaker's emotions.

2023-08-03 16:34:00 UTC

It is good that your communication with your daughter has improved. However, she objected the relationship with your girl friend. I understand that she became abusive when you tried to reconcile.

Paraphrase

2023-08-03 16:36:17 UTC

What I understand is that you want a healthy relationship with your daughter, you are open to taking help and want to strike a balance between your responsibilities and your relationship with your daughter.

Identify information/ emotion/ situation of the speaker

2023-08-03 16:38:46 UTC

Resentful

Miserable

Overburden

Lack of Freedom

2023-08-03 16:40:05 UTC

What do you think will help to balance the scales in your favor?

2023-08-03 16:40:23 UTC

3 b.. what i understood is you are going thru a mixed emotions of anger, betrayal, sadness and feeling alone in the current situation. It seems like you are finding it difficult to accept your conflicting emotion.

2023-08-03 16:42:44 UTC

Can you share a similar situation where your mother had such high expectations and such control from others?

Acknowledge the speaker's emotion

2023-08-03 16:43:38 UTC

From what i have understood, u are feeling overburdened, frustrated, unhappy because ur husband's lack of financial support and warmth.

3 (c) Questions.

2023-08-03 16:44:38 UTC

1. Can you share your experienced about such behaviour from her before?
2. How do you feel when she behaves like this?
3. How do you feel you can reconcile with her?
4. What could you do differently to change the situation?

Paraphrasing

2023-08-03 16:46:43 UTC

What i also understand with ur sharing, is that u are unhappy because u have to work from home and u are stuck with the job u dont like.

2023-08-03 16:47:59 UTC

Can you share with me if your mother is experiencing or facing challenges in other areas of life?

2023-08-03 16:48:46 UTC

What I can understand is that you are unhappy with the professional front. You also seeking accomplishment professionally.

What do you think will help you?

What are the other areas of your life, where you felt accomplished?

What will make you feel better about it?

Thank you for asking my input. You're in this situation, you would know it better. I will not be good in giving advice on it.

Questions?

2023-08-03 16:48:57 UTC

q1. What are the things that you love to do together?
q2. How can you spend more quality time with her?
q3.How do you comfort your daughter after you have lost your temper & she is hurt?
q4. How do you connect with your daughter and explain her your situation?

Questions

2023-08-03 16:49:16 UTC

Are there any other aspects in ur life, where u feel there is lack of support from ur family?

What were ur reasons initially to go for this job?

2023-08-03 16:51:31 UTC

What do you think is the best outcome for you in this situation?

Question 1

2023-08-03 16:53:07 UTC

1. The speaker wants to be heard, understood, released from the responsibility of her mother, taboos of society pressure, she is probably blaming her mother for not keeping the family together.

2. How does she feel about her mother after she lost her father and brother?

3. b) What I have understood with respect to what you have just shared is that after losing your father and brother you have been burderned by your mother's responsibility.
c) Tell me more about your life before this responsibility fell upon you. Please can you share any other instances of caring for others.
a) Speaker is threatened by the responsibility of looking after her mother. She does not have a good bond with her mother and has no support from her family

2023-08-03 16:53:08 UTC

3 c. Are your children aware of the situation ?
Yes
Are you able to express it with the kids.
Have you had a sense of Betrayal before ?

2023-08-03 16:53:18 UTC

What has worked for you in the past in similar situation/s?

2023-08-03 16:53:34 UTC

1. when did it first start that you guys started facing issues?
2. how does it makes you feel when he comes to you as per his convenience?
3. what is stopping you refraining him from entering

Scenario

docvineet — 2024-10-28 04:05:15 UTC

I am talking to my HR department about reducing my hours, but with my husband on furloughed pay we have seen a reduction in our income. I’m not sure what else I can do. Weekends are ruined because I obsess about Monday, and taking days off seems wasted as it delays the inevitable start back at work.