Pivot by

Parents Divorced

jaybyrd2100 — 2024-02-09 14:55:06 UTC

Experience: I grew up with the awareness of discovering early chaos at a young age. This era of my life stuck with me at the age of 9 years old after we moved to Houston Texas from Indiana. My father was having an affair on my mother and my mom lived in depressive state for a long time. My dad left in 2000 and went to live in South Texas. He left my mom the house, my brother and sister. I often saw my mom in emotional pain. If she wasn't crying or drinking on the weekends she was sleeping. She worked nights at the hospital 12 hour shifts and I never saw much of her. She would leave me notes on her door that quoted "sleeping food is in the microwave." After my sister left the household I was often alone most of the time.

Believe: This Experience made me believe that I didn't deserve to be at peace. I was meant to be alone and depressed because my mom was alone and depressed. (Victim of circumstance)

Action: I retaliated often against my mother because she was always speaking negatively about my father. I felt abandoned. Always alone.

Result: (This one is sensitive) My view on love and relationships changed. Perspective on anything that involved family changed. I envied happy families and shortly after in my teens started getting involved with the wrong crowd.

Pivot or Keep? PIVOT

Family Secrets

jaybyrd2100 — 2024-02-09 15:35:51 UTC

Experience: My sister ended up having a heart attack, later in life I learned the reasoning behind my sisters heart attack was due to the alleged rape by my father. Turns out my mother spilled the truth behind their upbringing that my birth father was not my brother and sisters real father. Summarizing the best I can, the family turned upside down. My sister had to leave. My older sister was my best friend and confidante. She always made me feel better and gave me so much peace as a child when my parents would fight.

Believe: I always believed I'll either be abandoned or lied to.

Action: I can't have normal relationships due to lack of trust.

Results: I never overcame my lack of trust for others. I never wanted anything good because I didn't want to feel the pain of abandonment.

Pivot or keep? PIVOT

Rock n' Roll

jaybyrd2100 — 2024-02-09 16:10:29 UTC

Experience: I got into music at the age of 12, My cousin would spend the whole entire summers with me to teach me how to play guitar. It was such a great feeling to express myself through vibration and energy. As a kid it was very difficult to express myself instead I would sit in my room and put all my feelings on paper. My poetry often become the root of my song writing.

Believe: This was a therapy and the only thing that helped me escape loneliness. I believed this was my only way out of my own thoughts in my brain.

Action: I truly began to find inner peace within myself. If I was in pain I played guitar or wrote songs. Although I was never healed. It gave me the temporary comfort I needed at that present moment.

Results: I found my calling in writing, poetry and song writing. I discovered my identity and found a new safe haven when life was too much to handle. I simply just put all my problems on paper.

Pivot or Keep? KEEP

Toxic Marriage leads to Drugs and Alcohol

jaybyrd2100 — 2024-02-09 16:40:20 UTC

Experience: I got married at 23 Years old after finding out I was pregnant with my daughter. I met my ex husband in a mental institution after having a bad anxiety attack from excessive drug use. It was fun in the beginning until I gave birth to two beautiful children one girl in 2014 and a boy in 2015. I knew then I needed to grow up and that the party was over. Although I desired responsibility my ex husband didn't want to stop the continuous cycle of drinking and drugging. The vicious cycle continued and the altercations occurred. I filed for divorce in 2020 and got involved with a fellowship.

Believe: I was weak and broken after this. It took so long for me to pick up the pieces. I felt worthless and self conscious. Mentally I was drained and thought I was a terrible mother.

Action: Mental deprivation, Exhaustion, pain, Depression and Anxiety. I went through a terrible divorce on top of getting sober.

Results: I gained two beautiful children however I was in a state of shock. I replayed traumatic experiences over and over in my head daily. I knew I had to seek therapy.

Pivot or Keep? PIVOT

Sobriety

jaybyrd2100 — 2024-02-09 18:50:38 UTC

Experience: I found a tribe that I can connect with spiritually about addiction and recovery. My Sobriety date is October 6th 2020 and for that I am truly grateful.

Believe: I believe if live life daily one day at a time, I am setting short term goals for long term success.

Action: As long as I keep going to meetings and working the steps, meeting with my sponsor, I can life my best life.

Results: I am sober today and still trudging the road of happy destiny.

Pivot or Keep? Definitely KEEP

Pivot

jaybyrd2100 — 2024-02-09 19:10:27 UTC

From: Anxiety, Depression, Worthless, In capable, Tired, Sick, Lonely, Angry, Captive, Fear, Hopelessness.

To: Freedom, Joy, Peace and Serenity.

I will change my default, auto pilot mode to a different way of thinking. I am responsible for my own thoughts and I am going to change my perspective to pure optimism and happiness. I will no longer invest in thoughts that don't serve me any purpose.