One event I remember specifically is at the start of my O level year, where I have just received my first exam results of the years. There was an improvement but the gap was too big so I was getting worried that I was doomed to fail. I was talking to my parents about it and they said that as parents they were worried but as Christians they gave me a piece of advice through a verse  [For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. Jeremiah 29:11]. It was around that time when Bryan asked me if I had considered Shatec (a private institute for Culinary studies) as an option as it shared many similar traits to the poly course I was aiming for. 

From around that time, I decided to leave the matter into God's hands and just work with what time I had left. As O’s drew closer I observed improvements in my mock tests as I did what I could on my part and left the rest to God. However, I did not make it into poly but took on the other option God offered to me which was Shatec(a private institute for Culinary studies).

In hindsight, I feel that if God was not with me, trials like this would have caused me to have given up. But God’s presence itself was a blessing in my times of formal education he has allowed me to encounter Rayhan and bring him to church, provided me with a partner in school who has stuck with me throughout my time in Shatec and I believe he has many other people he wants me to meet and help in the future.

To end off, I hope my story has given long time brothers and sisters encouragement to start sharing your story no matter how uninteresting it may seem to you. Finding strength in God and your fellow other brothers and sisters knowing they are going through things that seem different on the outside but are much more similar on the inside. To our newer friends, I would like to encourage you to start this new journey with God. If you still are unsure, try taking this leap of faith, I guarantee you will not regret it in the end. 

So I've always been just a Sunday Christian for the main bulk of my life until now, there were spiritually high periods but I was not behaving and living like a follower of Christ, especially outside of church.

 Around Sec 2-3 then I started to take my faith seriously as a Christian, knowing my purpose and seeing the big picture. My focus was on bring more people to Christ, and I thought that the main thing is to bring people to church, especially my close friends. 

I only enjoyed coming to JYF in the beginning because of the friends I had back then, after they left I didn’t enjoy coming to church at all and I just followed through. For the main bulk of JYF I only came because I don't want mkms to msg me and my sis to scold me, like it needs to be super justifiable which is hard when nothing much is actually going on during secondary school.

 So at like sec 2/3 I didn’t open up to people in JYF, not even my cousin, I didn't have any real friends there because I myself is being very fake and all, so mainly I didn’t serve as well. I even thought of changing church to church of Singapore my BB sponsoring church, so I went there for a month but nah they too pushy. 

Then I thought of a plan, to bring my close group of friends to church, convert them and then so I have real friends in church so that’s a win win too. But because I wasn’t living as how a true Christian should live, how is that suppose to convince them to believe what I was believing. If you believe in something you will naturally live it out right? Say believe in a healthy diet then you wont drink sugary drinks right? last time I was very egoistic and just wanted to look cool and all, then Sunday step one go church like good boy all. In school really different person. So ultimately as the only Christian in the clique and still living like a non Christian in a way where I don’t really care about the purpose of life and godly values, they weren’t sold at all. 

so until now, I had some spiritual highs like wah serve in JYF camp, bring friends to church like genuinely want them to know the good news, know the model answers to how to live and all BUT I would say my personal relationship with God wasn’t a really good one, mainly because I don’t really know who he is. I prayed every night, before my meal, and as people ask me I will proudly say I'm a Christian uh and last time sec sch nobody will ask all those Chim Chim qns so dun nid know how to answer one uh. I totally didn’t see the importance of knowing who God really is, and the importance of fellowship.

Then after O level is when my life just goes down, God was super loving to give me a good o level score, but I took credit myself, uh I like to pose and act like those everyday play still can go JC all think damn smart one. 

my mentality became very bad in JC, I was always doing things half-heartedly and have the quitters mindset. always looking for ways to escape reality and like stress, I didn’t rely on God but find my own way to cope with stress. I use a level as an excuse to not come to fellowship. after two years I still didn’t know God any better, maybe closer to some people in JYF but still don’t see the importance of going fellowship. So you see God let me go JC, but I took it for granted thinking it's my own ability and all. 

As party damn hard for one month. Super ugly. 

Go in army culture shock, totally cannot adapt well because party too hard after A levels. 1^st week in army broke down twice. Still having the quitters mindset, hate army want to do the bare minimum Halfway through BMT received a level results, fail damn badly. Book in the break down again, lost it. Like nothing going well in a life filled with guilt and shame. Everyday only got God to help me brave through all these. I felt like eh I want to do something about my life at least do something since I got an opportunity to be a commando, so do my best. God still helped me go through BMT and make it to leaders course. So God gave me this opportunity to be a commander in commando. And it totally changed me. 

So at this point, the toughest 10 weeks in my life and I got an injury and OOC. So the 6 months that I OOC, a lot of things happened, I dated and broke up then I was sad and all. At one point it was the MOST toxic time of my life, plus the influence from the army regulars. So I was soooo ugly that I was too paiseh to talk to God, I didn’t dare to ask him for his providence, didn’t want to change to be better as well. I was just living day to day wearing the cross necklace like for fashion. 

So nearing the end of the year, I didn’t want this life anymore. I want to get my life together, I wanted to recourse and go back chiong sua (冲山), then it is not easy to get a slot in the subsequent courses that I need to complete for the whole commando journey. Then I remember going to JYF camp and sharing this with Gen En and praying for it. 

So did God ever left me when I was so fake and ugly? No. when I was 20 and still have bible knowledge like a 10-year-old? No. God still loved me and gave me the best. He gave me another chance. 

I recourse and throughout this whole uneasy 6 months of making new friends and adapting, God was by my side all the way helping me walk another step and push a little bit more. Then I finally realized how graceful and merciful He has always been and I really want to know Him more. After getting the beret, God even gave me a chance to serve Him. I led bible study with Xin Hwee and I learnt so much about Him. Then at the end of 2019, I finally started opening up to jyfers and doing QT. 近朱者赤，近墨者黑. (A Chinese idiom to show how different environments provide a different influence). 

So honestly I regretted not being active in fellowship and learning more about God and serving him especially. I have many many regrets in life, but I never ever regret serving God. Looking back I really enjoyed myself and it is really an honour to be able to serve. Being cool, having temporal fun is what I regret now. Those things REALLY don’t matter. Serve when you can, especially when you're young. Don’t be like me, 21 yo but spiritually 12. Looking back even when I gave up on myself, God didn’t give up on me. 

During my 4th semester, my classmates and I did something terrible about one of my modules, and my school officials were notified about it. They gave us a time to confess our sin. During this time, a lot of guilt and anxiety was building up. I consulted with my parents, church people and God with whether I should confess my sin to the school, the ultimatum being “If I’m afraid to own up to Man now, how will I face God on Judgement Day”. We confessed our sins and were brought into questioning. Luckily our punishment was to simply retake the module.

This part of my life caused a break in the way I emotionally perceive tasks. I became more scared of failure. Stress and anxiety also creep up very easily and can stay in my heart for a long period. It is an unavoidable reaction because of the intense feelings that I had to go through and it still lingers till today.

So for my first 4 semesters, usually I’ll have around 6-7 modules, 4-5 of them are engineering-related (uses a lot of brainpower), 1 is general education and 1 of them teaches soft skills (both of which doesn’t use a lot of brainpower). 

However, my 5th semester has 6 modules which are all engineering related, on top of that, I also need to do an elective module (Further Mathematics) that I signed up for very early on and retake the module that I’ve mentioned earlier on. So that’s 8 modules that take up a lot of brainpower.

Imagine having to nearly double the amount of workload you have to do, my mental health wouldn’t exactly be in good condition.

Luckily for me, my personal tutor (like a form teacher) contacted me during the semester break and asked if I wanted to split my modules so that I can have an easier time studying. This meant that I’ll have to take an extra semester as my 6th semester is an internship and can’t exactly do my modules during an internship. By doing so, I would be labelled by the school as “out of sync”. With approval from my parents and a little discussion from my personal tutor, I decided to split up my modules. 

I believe that God is working in ways that I couldn’t see, where He is looking out for me. That’s because my personal tutor called me on his own initiative and concern over the fact that I have a lot of modules for the semester, and if it were a different person who was assigned my personal tutor, I might not have received the option at all to split my modules and I would have to suffer for it. 

I see this as a blessing as having an extra semester also meant I can spend more time on things I thought I wouldn’t have time to do, such as learning driving and having more time to exercise before the army. This extra time also means that I have more time to spend with the people who matters to me. I want to point out as well that I’m in no rush to finished my education because God gave us a life to enjoy, and frankly I would love to enjoy my teenage life as much as I can. So there is no worry in that department. 

This showed me that even though I’ve committed sins and should have been punished, God finds a way to bless me anyway, and in this case, I’ve given time to spend. And who knows, maybe God needed me in school for the extra semester.

As of now, I’ve completed the first half of the 8 modules that I needed to complete. Even with COVID-19 benefiting me (cause exams open-book WHOO) I still felt an immense amount of stress and anxiety during the end of my semester. Projects were stressful as one was solo work and the other was a group project with people I was unfamiliar with which gave me additional stress and anxiety. But now all of that is done thanks to the Lord, and as of right now, I will be going for an internship.

During the final stretch of this semester, my (own version of) QT was on Deuteronomy, and in this book, there were many many verses that helped me along the way, some of which includes:

( Deuteronomy 1:29-30) Then I said to you, ‘Do not be in dread or afraid of them. The LORD your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes

( Deuteronomy 3:22) You shall not fear them, for it is the LORD your God who fights for you.

( Deuteronomy 20:4) For the LORD your God is he who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give you the victory.

These verses have a clear theme where God will fight your battles. From chapter 1:29-30, it indicates that God is already fighting your battles before you are there. From 3:22, God tells you to not be afraid because not He is the one who is fighting for you. And from 20:4, it shows two crucial scenes that the verse paints out clearly, firstly the Lord is WITH you when you face your enemies. 

Secondly, if He is WITH you (and you WITH Him (John 15:7)) then you will surely have victory.

These verses really helped me cope with my feelings and it reminds me of the fact that God will never abandon you. He will be the reason you can overcome your adversaries. And I strongly encourage my brothers and sisters, when you are facing problems (regardless now or in the future, always rely on God, because if the all-powerful Creator is willing to fight for you, then what else is there to fear?

I would like to end this testimony by introducing the lyrics to a song that helped solidify the verses that I’ve mentioned. The song is called Surrounded by Upperroom. (Video linked below!) This song with its repetitiveness helped me go through the tough times when I lay in bed and cry over the fact that I’m struggling. The lyrics remind me that even though I will feel vulnerable through life, I have God that protects me in ways I wouldn’t even know and that everlasting faith in Him is how I will fight my battles with Him.

Just an update on Rayhan's current status:
He has just gotten a high grade while in the midst of completing his modules, through God's support! Hallelujah!

Disclaimer: Though God's support, that does not guarantee a definite good grade because God has his plans and you as the reader can get any grade!

When I was Sec 2, I started to notice changes in church and didn’t feel comfortable as S-Word moved to new locations, service timings changed and the people I looked up to had left the church. I was deeply hurt and felt like there was no one talking about these things, so I kept it all to myself but this kickstarted a toxic and destructive cycle of resentment and pain as the years went by. I started being more critical, thinking that if all these respectable people are leaving (even my parents), doesn’t that mean there’s something wrong with the church?? And so it led to a super sceptical attitude that kept up for many years. The resentment just grew and grew. 

I started serving during the same period and it felt like a chance to make a difference – I thought I could change JYF/S-Word so I served extremely hard. But at the same time, I felt so unappreciated and discouraged when people didn’t act and when things didn’t change the way I wanted them to. I kept quiet about my frustrations though, not sure how to share it with people and how they would react. At the end of Sec 4, I reached a new level of jaded when it seemed like nobody cared, nobody was “on fire for God” and oh man… I felt like giving up. 

When I got to JC, I found a new solution: just leave S-Word. I began church-hopping and this fueled the anger even more with church-envy: over the kind of worship, services and programs other bigger, richer churches had. I felt so lonely in JYF and so spiritually dry, I just wanted something new and fresh! I kept rationalizing that it’s ok to feel this way (after all I just wanted to grow), but because I was YZ that year, I made a plan to only leave S-word the moment 9900 shengtuans from JYF. 

HAHA, so y'all know how this goes. Suddenly 9900 wasn’t shengtuan-ing and naturally, my whole world came crashing down… I was so mad at God back then, feeling like I had held on long enough and given everything I could to make JYF better (like “serve Your kingdom so hard but You don’t want to let me go??”). I started to pray this: “Is there anywhere ELSE I can go? Show me” for many nights, but I just couldn’t hear what He was trying to say. Every JYF this season really made me feel so upset and I just grew angrier and angrier. I couldn’t confide in my batchmates at that point – didn’t vibe with them and didn’t want to stumble anyone. I felt very guilty and shameful for being so involved in ministry yet still harbour these feelings. 

So I tried to run away. When I graduated from JC, I signed up for a mission trip (again, thinking I would take that as a ticket to also leave the church easily once I got back). My intentions for it were so wrong and I think God knew it because He made it tough for me to just go. Back then I was running away from a lot of things and the church was just one of them. My flight kept being pushed back again and again (I'd wanted to leave right after A levels) but I was made to leave the next year in January. Somehow, God had plans to use those few weeks I had free to make me face all the things I wanted to run from.

Turning points 

One of those things was JYF, and it was during this countdown party (that I didn’t want to be at) that marked the first turning point for me. Up to this point, I was not close with any of the 9900s, I hadn't told them much about my mission trip but that night at about 2 am, they gathered around me and sat in the circle asking if they could pray for me before I flew off. THIS ONE RLY.... touched me deep down in a way I didn't think was possible!!! It was the first time I had ever been prayed for like this in our church: without it being initiated formally like in a program or anything. They just wanted to and that was so moving. But this didn't mean I was going to stay YET (heh stubborn girl). It took a few more turning points for me to finally pay attention to what God had been telling me all along. 

One of them came in NUS when I joined a Christian Fellowship. I still planned to leave S-Word back then (the plan was to leave after JYF camp – “YZ out” = goodbye forever) but that wasn’t happening under God’s watch. During the VCF camp that came after JYF camp, I got seriously wrecked by God. Somehow, all the messages were meant for me: there was a whole 3hour panel on church-leaving, workshops that confronted consumerist Christianity and so many late-night discussions with other Christians that revealed so much that was wrong and undiscovered about my intentions for leaving the church. At the end of the camp, I left feeling so convicted by this one question I felt God was asking me: “Have you ever tried to love your church?” I could reply by saying “yes, I tried to serve it and change it and make it better”, but I knew deep down that it’s all not the same as LOVING it. I decided to give it a try for the first time in 20 years.

And the turning points just kept coming after that. EE class allowed me to interact with our church pastors on a more intimate level, I started to open up to my batchmates and I began to see how my badly managed hurt and anger had created a filter through which I evaluated things in the church. It stopped me from being able to be patient or to see things from other people’s perspectives. When I finally made my decision to get baptized, I experienced real JOY as I had never felt before in all my life (so drama but true ok), like I couldn’t sleep for several nights just so excited to finally be baptized. To finally end 6+ years of turmoil in anger. To show the whole world that this is the community I have chosen and that I will stay. 

God has been patient with me these 21 years of my life and I think He's crushed me many times to get my attention on the things that matter. These ups and downs have drawn me closer to him at every single turning point and although I still feel angry sometimes, I'm learning to manage to be more patient and more trusting in Him. I know I have to learn to seek God in my frustrations and to trust He is working harder/He cares way more/He is far more capable to work out problems than I ever can. 

All emotions are valid!!!! so let’s learn to see them in God's eyes. 😊 

I think it’s pretty normal to start thinking about how bad our lives are in situations that we don’t feel good in. And normally the first thing we will do is turn to a friend and be like “OMGOSH you know right... I cannot sia, why lidat sia yada yada yada”. But when we comment “why lidat” do we ask why this is happening to us by looking at a bigger picture or do we just add it as a casual statement to express our frustration. 

I realise that for the past years I’ve been constantly ranting about my situation to my friends, and using that statement but never really sit down and reflect on the whole situation. Even if I do, it will somehow always end up frustrating me more and sometimes be like “God why are you even doing this to me?” 

So this year, I think has been exceptionally hard for me. I mean if yall remember I was a pretty loud person in JYF and I was involved in my secondary school. Before stepping into JC many people kept telling me how tough it was and how important it was to make some friends. And to me I was like ok can we will just see how it goes, I mean how hard can it get right, even if I don’t just tag along with my secondary school friends. But then when I stepped into JC did I understand what they were warning me off. I couldn’t make many friends from my class especially because we only got our classes 1 week before march holidays and that was when the circuit breaker started, I think. So we didn’t have time to bond which made it worse. And if you ask anyone who I’ve talked to about what I feel about my school, oh is a long list of I don’t like this I don’t like that, “seriously what they doing”, “OMGosh I love swiss more” “I hate it ew” “ I regret man”. And I just couldn’t find my place in the school, feel like I’m constantly judged and people wouldn’t be able to accept who I am. I dreaded school especially with the amount of workload and Project Work was just insane (Chen Si has to go through every day 8 to 12 am of studying even with lots of commitments.)

But God is just amazing, the one close friend that He placed in my JC life in class was a first Gen Christian. It all happened after a casual remark of “I’m so hungry, are you eating later” after Bio lecture that she happened to sit beside me. Sometimes looking at that point of time, I thank God for how weird I can be at times even though it is a bit embarrassing, it got me opening my mouth to make a casual remark with her. One of the most memorable first few memories of her is when we decided to sit down one day during recess at a table and started sharing our feelings about the school. She shared about how she had to travel 2 hrs if she wanted to come to school or go back home, and how she didn’t really want to join our school and even thought of transferring school. That sounded like a normal ranting session. BUT NO! What she said made a very big impact on me, she ended her sharing with “it’s okay, I guess God placed me here for a reason. It’s out of my comfort zone, but I pray that He will show me what He wants me to do here.” And I was like Woah, I’ve never thought of it that way, all I felt was regret, sadness, loneliness.

She then goes on sharing about how she was being a first Gen Christian. And how strong her faith is and how seriously she took the faith made me question myself “have I been serious about my spiritual life?” She shared that she had to do her devotion in the toilet because she was worried that her family was against it, and the thing that struck me the most was how she brought her hard copy bible into the toilet. That was how seriously she took her spiritual walk with God. 

Thinking of these made me thankful for whatever was going on. Amid my struggle to find my place in the class, or in the school, He placed a Christian as my close friend who constantly reminded me that God has His plans and that He would always be there for us even when we feel alone, He would always be there. And having her as my close friend has made me reflect on my spiritual life. 

And I think another thing is that having much more alone time in school now and no one in school to study with really makes you start thinking back to the times you have in secondary school. My JC friend stays 2 hours away from me so it’s pretty hard for me to study with her. But actually, God has already planned out everything nicely. If you’ve been at JYF Camp last year, I shared about how bad my friendship with my best friend was in sec 3. But looking back now, it was all part of God’s plan. Because of that big fight or misunderstanding between me and my best friend, I got to know my study buddies now and get closer to them. Even though we might not be studying the same subject combi or not even in the same school, we got together again to study. Being someone who studies better with friends around, not a good thing I would say haha, it is a blessing.

I think it’s pretty normal for us to be constantly complaining about things and focus on how the situation is bad for us. But I pray that all of us can take some time to sit down and just have some quiet time alone. Think about how much worse the whole situation can be, know that whatever is happening to you now even though it seems against you, not according to what you want, know that God has a bigger and better plan in mind for you. Even a 30min delay in your starting time for a meet up can be a blessing, who knows the 30minute extra sleep could play an important role in your day. When you find yourself in a situation that may not be what you like, know that He wants to use these opportunities to show the world His glory and to mould you and to train you for the future. 

Always remember that you waking up after every night of sleep is a blessing and that God would always be there for you leading you through the day with small actions that you might not notice~ There’s this song that I like called “Every little thing” by Hillsong young and free, it says “Every little thing is gonna be alright. Every little thing is gonna be just fine. (link is below.) Whether I can see it now. I know you will work it out for good.” “Behind the scenes and in the details. You plan the perfect way for me.” so yes this song encouraged me to trust that God has His great plans no matter how bad the situation might be.

I’m currently studying in Uni. Many of you may know I’m good at studies, especially Physics. However, many of you may not know that I had almost fallen to the point of no return and it’s by God’s grace that I’m here today sharing this experience. Today, I’m going to share about how love from our fellow brothers and sisters empowered me to become who God wants me to be and how God’s unwavering love carries me through a dark period of my time. 

I’m sure that I have shared with some of you, but for everyone else, here is the story of my life. In the beginning of my life, I’m a timid and shy boy, who just wants a normal life. However, little did I know God has placed trials and temptations in life for me. I had great insecurities and fear of others. From young, I have been through numerous bullying incidents. Very few respected me, a lot of people mocked me, and this includes teachers in my primary school. Because of stress from studies and pressure from my surroundings, I did badly, scoring bottom 3 in level for my Chinese and Mathematics when I was in P2. The situation only worsened as years passed and that was one of the factors that my mum wanted me to study in Singapore.

When I eventually came to Singapore, my life became much better. Teachers are caring and gentle, studies become less stressful. But one thing remains, my poor relationships with my peers. Nonetheless, this pushed me to work hard to get to one of the top schools in Singapore, Raffles Institution. 

My life has changed in terms of my results.I was mocked and laughed at by those who scored better than me. To make matters worse, One of my classmates who also qualified for the Physics Olympiad told me I didn’t deserve it, making me lose all of my confidence. From then on, I just started to not care about my studies. Even though my results are decent, I didn’t reach my full potential and was consistently ashamed of myself. I started to eat unhealthily and gained a lot of weight, also having suicidal thoughts constantly on my mind. 

I thought I will continue living like this indefinitely, but luckily every cloud has a silver lining and for me, that’s definitely JYF Camp 2017 Revolutionary. Where I became a group leader and worked with a friend of mine who supported me and led me through the entire camp. She had shown me love and forbearance, while leading me to become a more effective group leader and faithful Christian. This camp forever changed my prospect for my life as well as my attitude towards my future. I felt recharged and empowered. And it was then I had decided that I wanted to change for the better.

However, things didn’t go my way, this is because I made the almost-fatal mistake of not relying on God. I begin to put huge pressure and expectations on myself. While doing this, I have unintentionally weakened my body and my mind, and this paved way for whatever that happened next in 2018.

I started to have mood swings and loss of appetite, this made it extremely difficult for me to focus on school and interacting with others. To make matters worse, I had a quarrel with my classmates who said I’m not normal and accused me of being a liability to the class. At that time, I was depressed anxious and suicidal, there seems to be little chance for me to get out of this dangerous situation.

Then I fell sick as a result, for three months I can barely function as a human being. My future seems grim. Thankfully, there are many friends in my life to guide me and support me throughout my sickness. From all those who cared for me, I learned that I’m important to them and should treasure my own life. I’m also fortunate to be able to meet my psychiatrist and psychologist, who cared for me and guided me to recovery.

I managed to repeat my A level, this time, I excelled in my studies and unleashed my full potential. I scored 88.75/90 for my UAS rank points in A level and even got a scholarship for University. I also met my best of friends both in JYF and in my school. I realized all the pain God took to support me through this experience in order for me to appreciate my life, love those around me and empathize with those poor in spirit. I turned from a timid outcast, bottom to top in class in Raffles and even best freshie in NTU and have more friends than I ever could imagine. I have become more faithful and reliant on God’s strength, as I know that I can surrender all my troubles and worries to Him. Additionally, I am more open to share the Word of God with others and help others in fulfilling their spiritual needs.  I truly thank God for all he has bestowed on me. I hope we all will learn that God will never stop loving us. God has placed your fellow brothers and sisters in our life to exemplify His love and glorify Him in the process. And finally, to trust in God firmly and be assured of His love for us.