I'm Jade, and I'm so happy you took the time to stop by!

This padlet aims to show people another look into what goes on in my life and mind.

I struggle with borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and the tendencies of PTSD and anxiety.

I know, it's a lot! I like to call myself a Trail Mix!

While I struggle with my daily life with my mental health conditions, I am also very high-functioning and hold lots of responsibilities within my career and community. I am using this platform to share my experience and positivity!

Unless stated otherwise, any artwork I share is artwork from other artists, and I usually share it to spread encouragement. I will always cite the artist, but I also wanted to put the disclaimer here!

I think that is all I got for you now! I hope you enjoy your stay!

Until next time, friend!💝

-Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

After dealing with a lot of emotional damage from my most recent breakups (July 2023 and January 2024), I've been trying to find ways to just be okay. The breakup in January 2024 affected me the most. I'm still trying to piece myself back together.

I've decided that I want to try something new. Something that I wanted to try from my last "relationship" was animal (nature) photography. In this relationship, he mentioned gardening months ago, and since spring is almost here, I've decided why not?

What really pushed me was deciding to purchase a magical succulent box kit from Zinkstown in New Mexico, which I found in an ad on my Instagram.

When I received the box, I was super excited. I'll make another post about it, so check that out!

This is what started my new plant obsession. Soon, I wanted to get more and more plants.

Within the week, I got a Lavender plant named Lav, a peppermint plant named Pep, and a Jade Bonsai plant named Corazon. I also decided to take a lucky bamboo plant (that we already have) to my office at work. I named this plant; Bam, and he is now sitting on the windowsill outside the office doors with a colleague's succulent plant.

I am looking to buy more natural pollinator plants for my yard when it gets a little warmer. But until then, I have my group of plant children!

I'm hoping this will help aid my healing process and help me... grow hehe

Until next time, friends!💝

-Jade

👋🏽Hello friends!👋🏽
This weekend was mostly a good one. I spent most of my Saturday shopping but cleaned up a bit. 
I spent most of my Sunday organizing, cleaning, and slightly decluttering. 

A little insight on how my room is. I have unfortunately developed a bad habit of impulse spending since I was young. As much as I don't want to be a materialist, I am. My room is completely filled with stuff. 
Some days, I wish I was a minimalist, but simple just doesn't work well with who I am. 

My parents would always say that I had too much stuff. They're not wrong, but everything has its own organized space. I may have a lot of stuff, but I am very strict about keeping my living space clean and organized. 
There are days with my depression that it's hard to get up and clean, but I usually get more stressed out if my living areas (my room and office at work) are not tidy and organized. 

Something I've discovered in the last year is that I absolutely hate white walls. I feel empty on a daily basis, but when I'm in my living space and it's empty, it makes me feel like I'm in a deep hole that I can't climb out of. My negative thoughts start to become overwhelming. Being busy is what keeps me sane, and having lots of stuff and decorations around helps keep my mind busy. After all, a clean and organized room creates so much peace for me. And a piece of advice that I either read or was told (I'm not too sure of which one it was) was to always tidy up your desk before leaving your office. The idea was that the next day, coming into your office clean is like saying today is a fresh clean start. I really liked that, so I adopted that.

I was finally able to clean up after my week (which consisted of the last week of my grad school term, work, and dealing with a lot of emotional trauma). I was able to spend extra time tidying up and decluttering a little bit. 
I still have more decluttering to do, but I guess my motivation for spring cleaning came early this year (unlike spring, apparently).

But let's just say that I'm going to be pretty content with how organized my life feels at this moment in time. I know this won't last forever and will probably be gone by tomorrow, but I'm going to enjoy it. 

Until next time, friends!💝

-Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends👋🏽

This is where my plant mom journey began (9 days ago from the day I posted this) 

Within 9 days; I ordered another succulent kit from Zinkstown and bought a lavender, peppermint, and a jade bonsai plant. 

I mean, I remember wanting a big family at one point in time😂 

I saw this magical succulent-making kit on Instagram in an ad. 

I went searching on the profile but was hesitant because I've never been a nature and outdoorsy gal, even with my Taurus nature 😝. 

I liked to look at nature from the windows and take pictures, but I never went on hikes or gardened myself. I'm a very homebody person, and all my hobbies don't help this. 

I decided that I was going to try something new. This succulent plant reminded me of the plant my therapist gave me (Swiss Cheese Steve), but I gave it to my parents to take care of. My mother insisted that I take care of it since it's supposed to be some "therapeutic technique." 

Well. My parents took care of Steve for me. 

I think what caught my eye on this was the idea of making a wish and setting an intention while potting. And of course, decorating, since I'm a crafty and creative gal. 

When I got my pink box, I got super excited and rushed upstairs to start the process. I have to say it was so much fun, and I enjoyed it so much. Being able to just relax and just pot the succulent in its pot, felt just peaceful. It's hard to describe. 

I very much recommend trying out a succulent-making class, buying a succulent or terrarium-making kit, or getting made at a succulent bar if you have the opportunity! It doesn't have to be the Zinkstown one, and this is no way of endorsing or advertising for them; it's just the experience that started! 

If you ever try to make a beautiful succulent plant or terrarium, please share! 

Until next time, friends!💝

‐Jade 

Thanks to my wonderful colleague & friend, Kali, I have also decided to crosspost my blog on different platforms! Most content will be the same! So, you will not be missing out! However, feel free to connect with me there!

Tumblr

WordPress

Google Site

-Jade 🥰

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

Most people that I know personally in my life know that I'm not too fond of driving, and they wonder why. I'm not sure when it started, but I just hated to drive and tried never to make extra trips if I didn't need to.

I always assumed it was when I moved two hours away with my ex and had to travel that two-hour drive on my own to visit family and friends who lived around my hometown.

Another thing that I thought about was the dissociation that I experience when I drive.

🧠What is dissociation?

To summarize, it's just a disconnect from everything in life.

For me, it's an extreme case of zoning out when I'm put in "autopilot" or am starting to get triggered or in an overwhelming emotional situation.

This is a common symptom that individuals with BPD, PTSD, and dissociation disorders have.

Click here to learn more about dissociation in BPD: Dissociation in Borderline Personality Disorder (verywellmind.com) 🧠

This can be alarming and carry a weird feeling, so naturally, I just want to avoid that. I tried to combat the dissociation by listening to a DnD podcast, and it works most of the time.

Most people don't exactly know the reasons why I don't like driving (or my ideas of why I don't like driving) unless they ask and I give them these reasons.

I hope you learned something new about BPD!

Until next time, friends!💝

-Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

Recently, I went to this shop in a town near mine on the way back home from my bird-watching and photography session at a local state park near me. 

This shop is your typical crystal and metaphysical shop; however, I really wanted to see all the local artist products that were being sold there. 

As my father and I recently got a shipment of crystals, I wasn't too interested in those. 

As I was greeted when I walked in, I was asked if I had been there before, and my reply was "no." The staff gave me a rundown of the shop and excitedly mentioned that there are five rooms of goodies. They also mentioned that there is someone available to do tarot or rune readings. For those who don't know me, I have an interest in oracle and tarot cards and have a few decks myself. I am not completely knowledgeable about reading; I typically use my oracle decks to give myself more positivity and encouragement in my life since my intention is strictly for my own encouragement for the week. 

I decided, "Hey, why not try it?" since, surprisingly, I've never had a reading done before. So I was able to get a quick reading done. I was able to choose a tarot deck, and that called to me. Of course, it was a shiny deck. 

The lady shuffled the deck, and we chatted for a little while she did this and spread the desk out. She told me to pick five cards and hand them to her. Which I did. 

When she laid it out, it was as shown in the photo above. 

From bottom to top (tarots only) 

Queen of Swords (bottom) 

King of Wands (middle) 

Page of Wands (left) 

9 of swords (right) 

The Emperor (top) 

The Star (in the corner)

She started to explain the cards and her energy from them. 

🔮To summarize... 

I am very thoughtful of my truth (Queen of Swords), but I have the heart and mind to lead (king & emperor). I have all the knowledge that I need to lead and the plans I have for myself to succeed. I am also willing to learn more to help myself achieve the plans I want to achieve (page). 

However, she states that she doesn't do prediction readings, and the last card is something to keep in mind as it might be what holds someone back. 

The 9 of swords card. This meant the struggle of my thoughts (negative) keeping me from going towards my goals. 

The star card represents hope for the future.

The oracle card for "The Initiation" means a rite of passage; crossing the threshold (as stated on the card).

The rune means Raidho, meaning a journey towards achieving goals. 🔮

📚Learn more about tarot cards and their meanings: Tarot Card Meanings List - 78 Cards By Suit, Element, and Zodiac – Labyrinthos

Learn more about runes and their meanings: The Meanings of the Runes - Norse Mythology for Smart People (norse-mythology.org)📚

---------------------------------------

I know some of you might think this is bullsh*t, but I think it's fascinating to see how the process works. I also became comforted with the idea of the universe sending messages and the comfort of tarot or oracle readings a year ago, when I went through a big traumatic moment. That is when I started getting more into crystals, moon phase journaling, and oracle/tarot decks. 

It was another way that I could hold some control in my life where I never felt that I had control. 

Because taking my issues and releasing them into the universe helped ease my mind, and that's all I could ever ask for. 

Tarot, oracles, crystals, and others in that realm are intention-based. When I use my crystals, intention candles, and oracles, it is to encourage myself and give myself peace of mind.

Just food for thought! Aka, don't knock it until you try it!

Until next time, friends! 💝

-Jade

👋🏼Hello Friends!👋🏼

A common phrase I commonly hear from my previous romantic relationships is that "when it's good, it's great. But when it's bad... it's bad." 

While this can be true, experiencing BPD episodes can be overwhelming for everyone in the situation. Not just for my partner but for myself too. The overwhelming, the extreme fear of abandonment, the negative thoughts and the rumination of negative thoughts, the mood swings, the physical sickness... you get the picture

🧠Don't know what rumination is? It's okay. I had to look it up for this post and I struggled with it 😂 

Rumination is the complete fixation of negative thoughts.

Want to learn more about rumination? Learn more: Rumination: Definition, Signs, Causes, Effects, and How to Cope (verywellmind.com)🧠

The idea that it's either really good or really bad fits a narrative that I'm VERY familiar with. 

A great (insert sarcasm here}) symptom of BPD is splitting. 

🧠Splitting is when an individual sees everything from one extreme to another and nothing in between.

For example, good or bad, best or worst,. 

In other words... black-and-white thinking

Want to know more about splitting? Learn more: Splitting in Borderline Personality Disorder (verywellmind.com)🧠

50 Shades of Grey doesn't exist for someone who barely sees grey as it is, aka me

This doesn't just affect my romantic life but also my personal life. 

Throughout my life, I've experienced splitting, and it doesn't help when you're already a perfectionist. You can imagine how stressful and overwhelming that would be. 

I had to do well in dance, playing the violin, and school, or I wasn't good enough. 

If I got a B, it wasn't the end of the world, but it wasn't great either

In graduate school, I got my first B+ and was not happy about it. I had 3/4 classes be an A, and I was SO proud of myself for having a 4.0 GPA. 

But as I jokily went to my colleagues when I got my final grades and told them I was "soooooo sad" about my B+, They just told me that I did amazing and I should be proud. They also started giving me more words of affirmation, which I appreciated so much! 

I'm trying to work on my splitting and my black-and-white thinking. It's been a journey that I've been on for a while, and I still have a while to go. Life is a journey, but you have to enjoy all the moments and lessons you can! 

Until next time, friends! 

-Jade💖

👋🏽Hello Friends! 👋🏽

While I was driving to work today, the weather was foggy with heavy fog. As I was on my daily commute to work, aka my 30-minute in and out of dissociation, I had a slightly philosophical moment.

As I was driving and seeing how foggy everything was, I could barely see in the distance, like it was this state of being but not knowing since there wasn't any visualization. I also had my "AHA" moment and thought about my dissociation.

This is the perfect way I can describe my disassociation to others.

Dissociation is like heavy fog; it's blank... "foggy," and you know you are physically somewhere, but the question is where. That's how my brain is.

When I dissociate, for the small amount of time that I am dissociating, there is no memory recollection; it's blank.

Being constantly on autopilot means knowing your daily commute (your normal daily tasks) and just going, even if you visually cannot see miles up the road or the landscape in the distance.

Driving to work this morning is how I run most of the time: on autopilot.

I'm happy I have a way to explain this to people; this makes it so much easier to describe my dissociation.

Until next time, friends! 💝

-Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

In August 2023, I was talking with someone that I care for very deeply about photography. He mentioned how he wanted to travel the world and take photographs to make his own calendar. For some reason, I thought that was so awesome, and I wanted to do that too. He had a hummingbird feeder, and while we sat on the swinging bench, we saw a little hummingbird.

I realized that I also wanted to try photography at that moment but didn't have much of a drive to do so. Fall and winter were coming up, and I was starting to get busy. I hate the cold, so I wasn't going to want to be out in the cold, and I'm not much of an outdoorsy person.

After losing an important relationship in January 2024 (we kind of still talk, but it's complicated and not the point of this post), I lost control of myself and just didn't know how to cope.

I thought that I needed to go out and distract myself, so I decided that I wanted to take photographs of animals. I first started while at a bird-watching group in a state park not too far from me. I got some really great shots of birds that were coming to the birdfeeders. I was also lucky enough to capture both a male and female cardinal in the trees; it's a little blurry, but the photo turned out really great!

I enjoyed being able to just take photos and be able to see how the world looks from the lens of the camera, showing people the beauty of what I see.

This is something that I am looking forward to doing more of, and hey, maybe I'll be able to make my own calendar. I'm happy that the phone cameras on the newer phones take really great photos, and I've used my phone to take a few landscape and flower photos when I needed to! I was able to capture a beautiful photo of the moon, which makes me very happy. My goal is to take a gorgeous cherry blossom, a clear moon, and a clean hummingbird photo.

A quote that works really well with this blog post is the very famous "life is like a camera" quote (which I could not find the author).

"Life is like a Camera

You focus on what is important.

Capture the good times.

develop from the negative

and if things don't work out

take another shot."

-Unknown

Until next time, friends!💝

👋🏼Hello Friends!👋🏼

When you hear the term gaslighter, you think of someone, usually the other person, who is engaging in this behavior, not the one being gaslit. 

What if the gaslighter and the one who is being gaslit are the same person? 

*cue the duh-duh-duhhhhhhhh music* 

This is pretty common. A lot of people tend to gaslight themselves because of self-doubt, previous trauma, self-esteem, etc. 

Unfortunately, I tend to fall into this category. However, my gaslighting is more regarding my BPD and how I react. After receiving the BPD diagnosis in April 2022, I educated myself on the symptoms. Some of the symptoms that pertain to this post are low self-esteem, over-emotional behavior, self-doubt, and mood swings. 

Sometimes, when something happens to me, I react. I tend to overreact (I mostly go from 0 to 100 in a second without any thought), which is something that emotional regulation (1 of the 4 pillars of DBT) is supposed to help with. Well, I'm still working on it. 

📚What's DBT? 

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a type of therapy that was created for individuals with BPD and as time went on, there was a realization that it helps a lot of mental health conditions. There are four pillars that DBT focuses on. Mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and intrapersonal effectiveness.

Want to know more about DBT? Learn more: Dialectical Behavior Therapy: DBT Skills, Worksheets, Videos📚

📚What's Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is, well, you guessed it, the skillset of the body and mind's way of regulating emotions.

I like to explain that with individuals who need assistance with emotional regulation need help with identifying and controlling those emotions because they struggle to do so. The brain and body usually provide the hormones and neurotransmitters to be released but I am still slack-a-lacking in serotonin.

Emotions are really big for individuals, especially with BPD.

Want to know more about emotional regulation? Learn more: Emotional Regulation: 6 Key Skills to Regulate Emotions (positivepsychology.com)📚

For someone who has always had extreme emotions, it is very hard to try and change the habit of thinking about how you react and stop your automatic thoughts. Of course, no one expects me to learn this skill after 1 therapy session. 

(I mean, if one does. Well yikes on you, I guess you like disappointment) 

Skills and habits take time and lots of trial and error to formulate a routine. 

Just like it takes time to adopt a new habit, it's also a lot of work to unlearn a bad habit. 

One of my bad habits, I tend to always think I overreact every time I have a big negative relationship (big fight, breakup, etc). This causes me to tell myself, "Jade, stop. You're overreacting. It's not that big of a deal, stop making it a big deal." 

Even worse, I have to go to my best and closest friend, who has been my backbone and rock through all of the BPD diagnosis, episodes, lows, and highs. Through it all when it comes to my mental health and coping. She knows it all, and she knows me very well. 

I tend to go to her when I think I overreact (which is always, especially with relationships) and ask her if I'm overreacting. 

Luckily, she is blunt and tells me how it is. (Well, lucky for most of the time, unluckily when our stubborn personality butt heads😂) She will usually be more clear-minded about the situation and explain to me why she thinks so to help me understand things. 

To me, it's the fact that I'm so caught up in my BPD symptoms that I know I always struggled with that I always feel and think I'm in the wrong.

One thing leads to another. 

I'm overreacting -> No one cares about me -> I'm such a hassle -> I'm a burden to everyone around me with all of my issues and emotions -> Everyone is better off if I didn't exist...

You get the picture... 

Until next time friends! 

-Jade💖

👋🏼Hello Friends!👋🏼

I would always hear the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child," especially when I was a late teenager when I was apart of a dance organization that worked with young people to adults. I knew what it meant, but I truly didn't really think much of it besides a saying that I would always hear. 

As I grew older, I heard the phrase less and less. Until one day recently, when I can't remember exactly where I heard this from, I heard the phrase again. This time, I truly knew what it meant. 

I now realize that the village that I live in has supportive people helping me get better in my mental health journey and essentially get through life. When I was diagnosed with BPD, I thought I would continue to be alone. I figured no one would ever understand how it is to be me. While no one could ever truly know what it's like in my shoes, I've met people who have BPD, and we've shared stories and had those "OMG, you feel that too?!" moments. I've also had my continuing friends who have stayed by my side when things weren't easy for either of us because, as we all know, life really can kick us in the ass sometimes.

And I'm grateful enough to have parents who actively keep working on themselves and make the effort to learn more about BPD on their own to help understand me and my feelings as best as they can. 

Honestly, I always tear up when I think of how truly blessed I am with the people this post is about. I don't know what I did to deserve such amazing people in my life. But I do know that I'm always so grateful for them, and I wouldn't be where I am without them.

Having BPD causes an extreme fear of being abandoned. Usually, for me, the abandonment that I fear the most is by a significant other. There are only a small number of people who can trigger a mental breakdown due to fear of abandonment or a big fight that isn't related to my significant other. 

One thing that I've been working on in therapy is creating my village, my support system, so that when I'm in a relationship, I'm not fully relying on my significant other. This is a problem I've had with just about every partner I've been with, and it causes a lot of exhaustion on their end and heartbreak on mine (I will most likely dig more into this issue and my BPD in other posts). 

I think I can successfully say I have a really great village behind me that consistently supports, guides, and helps me. It took a long time to find my village, and I'm never going to let it go. 

Until next time, friends! 

-Jade💖

👋🏽Hello friends!👋🏽

Today I was doing a mindful exercise for this stress management class that I was taking just for fun and because I really enjoyed the classes in this major of wellness and health promotion. 
Part of what I want to do as a career is teach mental health and overall wellness to the community. I want to be a mental health first aid trainer, and I've even thought of being a life coach. 

Anyways. I was taking this class, and we had to pick one of two exercises to do, I chose something called a labyrinth walking meditation. Luckily, the college that I work at (which is where I am taking classes) has a labyrinth area on campus. I'm not going to lie; when I read about the exercise, I thought it was kind of lame. Mediation and mindfulness are things that are very hard for me to do since my mind is always on a task or thought. I was finishing up my break when I was itching to just go outside for a walk. It was a beautiful day outside. I walked a little to find the labyrinth path, and I was like, "Okay, I might as well do this now and get it over with," and I thought about how this would technically count as my walk for the day. The labyrinth was 1/6th of a mile. I tried clearing my head and taking some deep breaths before starting. 

I remember thinking of all the things that are currently weighing me down emotionally, how I desired things, and imagining situations. I tried to catch myself and focus on my deep breathing. I started to focus (a little too much at times) on the path to make sure I didn't cross the lines (yeeeeeeah, that's the perfectionist inside me). But as I was walking the path, I felt the wind in my face and heard the birds chirp.

I felt peaceful.

I kept reminding myself to take deep breaths, clear my head, and enjoy the moment that I was in. I have to say, I really enjoyed those moments of peacefulness. 

I was very wrong about labyrinths being lame; they're actually pretty cool. I recommend trying it out if the opportunity comes around. I know I want to try and incorporate waking up in the labyrinth at least weekly when I'm on campus. I have also googled some labyrinths around my area, and I look forward to exploring some of them! I'm pretty excited for it!
Until next time, friends!💝

‐Jade 

I was listening to some music recently. I usually don't listen too much to music, but I'll get moments where I will. I came across the song 1-800-273-8255 by Logic feat. Alessia Cara and Khalid. I remember the first time that I heard that song. 

It was at the 2017 VMAs. I had just transferred to the university where I graduated, and I remember turning on the TV in the living room of my college apartment and seeing this. 

And when I was listening to Logic say the words "I don't want to be alive," 

I felt that. I felt that in every part of me. And listening to the song live for the first time. I cried. I cried so much because I felt that way and I didn't feel alone. 

I was wondering what that number was and found out it was the Suicide Prevention number, which is something that I've never heard of until this moment. 

Every time I hear the song (which isn't often anymore), I still feel that hopefulness that I felt that first day. As I'm writing this, I reviewed the VMA video of this performance, and I was doing so well. But then I started tearing up because I felt it again—that hope and that feeling that I'm truly not alone, just like I felt that day six years ago. 

At this time, I was starting to gain my advocacy voice and talk more about my journey. I think this really pushed me to be more open, and as the next year and a half passed, I was a voice for those who could not or were not ready to speak. 

While this is the first mental health-related song I've heard, there is a ton out there to provide strength and hope. I might put up a list of songs I find sometime later! 

But until then, 

Stay strong. Remember that you matter. And if you haven't seen the 2017 VMA performance of 1-800-273-8255 by Logic, I would highly recommend it. 

Until next time, friends!💝

‐Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends! 👋🏽

I've recently had minor surgery, and I've had to take sick and remote days for recovery. However, I have also taken sick days when I wasn't mentally okay. I do try to push through, but there are days when I truly can't. 

Recently, I was on a break between graduate school terms, and I was also going through something minor in my personal life. I was unable to get motivated to do anything at all. Unmotivated to do work, get out of bed, and even do something fun like play video games or watch anime. 

For some reason, I was also physically sick to my stomach. I've been having a little more anxiety spells than I normally do (due to a personal issue in my life), and that has been causing digestive issues and a lack of wanting to eat. This sickness has lasted about a little over a week now. Now, the sickness is not happening all day and comes in waves, but it has been there for days. 

I've been putting heating pads on my stomach, eating a more bland diet, resting when I can, and taking over-the-counter stomach medications. 

It's all the same. I've thought I've got either food poisoning, a stomach bug from someone, an infection from my surgery, or it's all just my anxiety. I wish there was an easier way to figure it out. 

I decided to ask to leave work early because of my stomach pains, I was having some chest tightening pains, and I could not get any ounce of motivation to do anything. It would be better if I went home because it's not like I was doing anything anyway. I hate feeling like a deadweight to my colleagues, but I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else. 

I got permission from one of my bosses (don't ask me why I have bosses and not a boss; it's complicated) to leave early and take sick time. I did something for the next day in the hope of being of use somewhere, put my time in, and left. While I was driving home, I felt my chest tightening even more. No matter how many deep breaths I took and how many times I said to myself, "I am okay. I am safe." The pain didn't go away. I got home, put a heating pad on my stomach, and slept for 3 hours. 

The night before this day, I had a dream that I recently met with one of my bosses, and they told me I was still performing "okay." And a close colleague and friend of mine told me that they were getting ready to fire me. When I woke up, I didn't really have any reaction to it or care; it didn't affect me.... until I was leaving. 

I started to get anxious, wondering if I was starting to be at risk of losing my job. Maybe that causes the chest pain to strengthen. 

I feel that as someone who is high functioning with mental health conditions, there's always a fear in the back of my mind. Since I'm high-functioning, I feel that it can be hard for my bosses to remember that I have mental health issues that can affect my daily life. And it can be forgotten that I do try my best to keep my feelings in check, but sometimes being at my office isn't the best environment for me to calm down. 

I feel that a lot of employers aren't educated on mental health conditions and how much they affect their productivity and work environment. And while some employers might know this, they don't always know how to go about working alongside the mental health condition.

I'm hoping one day I'll be able to help some employers realize the importance of being open and accepting of mental health conditions in employees and the importance of mental health days. Maybe one day!

Until next time, friends! 💝

-Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

A trend that I've noticed pretty recently is that my time awareness is completely off.

I'm not sure if that's due to the dissociation or something else. I just put two to two together pretty recently and realized that my poor time awareness is most likely due to my dissociation.

This is a little bit deeper than forgetting what day of the week it is; it's more like forgetting what day of the week it is, the time of day, and what you did an hour ago...

Sometimes, when I text my "Favorite Person" (or F.P.) and I'm waiting for their response, minutes can feel like hours and days can feel like weeks. And I'm unfortunately not exaggerating this. Once I hadn't heard back from (at the time) F.P. for what felt like weeks, I had an anxiety attack. After I had a little anxiety breakdown over not hearing back from my FP, I realized that it has only been two days and not the week as I thought it would be.

📖What's a Favorite Person or F.P. ?

When I first learned what a F.P. was, I was told that it was a person who was your go-to person. And this goes beyond just knowing you can rely on them; it starts to become the person you ALWAYS go to first and expect them to help and give validation.

If I had to pick an emoji to describe how I feel about my F.P., this would be it.: ❤️‍🔥

(Only became my F.P. is always the person I'm talking to or with, and I love hard fast.)

Want to learn more about the term "Favorite Person" or the BPD and Favorite person relationship?

Click Here to Learn more: Understanding the BPD Favorite Person Relationship (verywellmind.com)📖

There's no wonder why my FP would get irritated; it's only understandable. I do feel bad that I keep doing this to them, and it can eventually create a lot of tension in the relationship. For some reason, when it comes to my FP, I get this extreme urgency to text them and basically check to see if they still like me.

Sometimes a whole day can go by, and I get asked about my day. I sit there for a moment, and I can't recall anything I did for the day. It's blank; there's nothing there.

I can't fully describe how it feels to not be able to remember how your day even went. It feels so weird knowing there are so many gaps in your memory. It's like you know parts of your life are missing and you can't seem to find them. Overall, it's just strange and hard to explain if you aren't used to it.

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade

👋🏽Hello friends!👋🏽

So a friend and I decided to go to this kite festival this past weekend. We met up at this park a few towns over where the festival was held, but we got there a bit earlier than it started. We decided to bring some things to do and snacks. If you know anything about me, I love and need to be organized and prepared. I bought a ton of things to do just in case we got done painting early (spoiler alert, we didn't). 

Once we laid out our blankets and set everything out, we decided to paint, and of course, the first 30 minutes were spent finding the perfect painting to create. After we found what we wanted to paint, we had music playing, and the snacks opened. 

The weather for the day was perfect. Not too hot, not too cold, a slight breeze, and the sun wasn't obnoxious. I can't tell you how freeing it felt to not worry about anything. It was such a great feeling to be with friends and just have fun. Living with BPD, I always have a worry or an item on my agenda that I need to get done. So days like this, which I didn't have, are seriously a treat, and I'm very grateful to be able to have them. 

I've been struggling with some personal issues lately that have a higher chance of triggering my BPD symptoms or a BPD, anxiety, or depression episode. So after days of being an anxious mess, barely eating, barely getting out of bed, this day was very much needed. 

Being mindful and present has always been such a hard thing for me since I stay busy to distract myself from my problems. I also have extreme guilt that if I'm not doing anything, I'm not being useful, and then, essentially, I'm worthless. I know, it doesn't make sense. 

The mind can really mess you up. 

So not only did I have an amazing time, strengthening my friendship, creating a beautiful art piece, and enjoying the weather, but I also practiced one of my DBT skills without trying since it was automatic. 

I am happy to say that I am one step further in my recovery journey, and that's pretty awesome. 

Until next time, friends!💝

‐Jade 

Hope to me feels like a double-edged sword concept. Do I have hope that things will get better? Yes. But in cases where it comes to romantic relationships (which is my #1 trigger), hope can be devastating. 

Another friend of mine asked me a few days ago if I wanted to see NF's Hope Tour, which was happening close by. And I almost instantly said yes. I was introduced to NF in 2015/2016 by an ex-boyfriend. I actually visited the college that I was at during that year (I was at this college for 2 years before transferring), and that was my first technical concert. Now, almost 8 years later, in 2024, I got to see NF perform as a famous rapper in my first official concert. 

If you don't know or are familiar with NF, I would describe his music as relatable, raw, and eye-opening. Mostly relatable. The feeling that you have of "Omg, he understands," "I'm not alone," or "I feel like they are talking to me" is inspirational. This is one thing that I've always loved about NF. Throughout the years, I never went out of my way to listen to his new songs (to be honest, I don't do this for any artist), but I always enjoyed hearing them when they were played. 

Now, this album is called Hope, and after all his previous albums and songs have been about his struggles and are "dark," this album is more about resilience and hope, but it still includes his struggles. NF usually performs his songs in all black, but for this tour, he wore a majority of white to symbolize hope.

I love artists like this. I had an amazing time at the concert, and I can say I have a more empowered mindset that I can do this. 

Until next time, friends!💝

‐Jade 

👋🏽Hello friends!👋🏽

I remember when I was first diagnosed with BPD, I could find all this information about BPD, such as the symptoms, traits, and all someone needed to know about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).

I was able to locate therapists that specialize in DBT easily. However, being able to find a support system for individuals who also struggle with BPD was basically nonexistent. Yes, I am able to find support groups for general mental health conditions, which I ended up joining first. I decided to attend the closest NAMI county's support groups, and it was really great. For a while, I would go every week, and I got familiar with everyone and just loved being present with everyone I got close to from that group.

After some time, I've wanted to try an in-person support group. Now, this was so difficult to find, and I truly didn't understand why. When I looked on PsychologyToday for BPD or DBT support groups that are within 20 minutes of my house or workplace, there was nothing that showed up. I was able to find an in-person DBT group in a town about 45 minutes from my work and an hour from my house. and the group ran weekly. I tried it out for 6 weeks, and it was great!

The support group and group sessions really helped me move forward with using my DBT skills; however, I truly could not deal with the driving. If you know me or have even read any of my past blog posts, you'll know I really hate driving. Making this trip every Thursday was such a drag for me. I ended up not continuing for the second part of the support group due to the traveling commitment.

I was still searching for a BPD support group because I felt that I needed to just connect with individuals who could understand my thoughts and emotions more than most others.

I came across this organization that says that the only mental health condition that it educates, supports, and advocates for is BPD. Amazing, right?! It is just what I was looking for! I was super excited. As I researched the organization more (you should always research organizations before you are willing to join or contribute to them), I thought everything was absolutely fantastic, and I wanted to be a part of this.

I then saw that the organization is from another state that would take a few hours to get to. So this made me a little disappointed, as I knew I could only participate virtually and not face-to-face.

BPD is way more common than one may think, so it blows my mind how few support resources there are available for it.

Here's the kicker. I can find so many in-person and online support groups for families and caregivers who have a loved one with BPD, which is wonderful, and we need that. But as a person who struggles a lot with BPD, I also need a support group. I should be able to have a group with people who struggle with the same conditions, as my parents would be able to connect with other parents or caregivers who have loved ones with BPD.

Humans are social creatures, and while therapy is mostly a one-on-one type of interaction, some programs offer group sessions where there are multiple people in the session. So, it's been rough getting this extra support. Finding a BPD support group (in my area, at least) is like finding a needle in a haystack. But I'm still trying. I've decided that the next group sessions that I attend will be one for individuals with BPD because I would like to experience a group of people who struggle with the same triggers and symptoms as I do.

So I am doing the research and outreach for that. I don't plan to stop looking until I find one. Also, I've seemed to be meeting some more people with BPD in my personal life, which is great to have individuals who understand the struggles that I am going through with my BPD. I've decided to make a small discord group with them, and while it's still in the works, I have hopes that this little personal support group will be so helpful.

Until next time, friends!💝

Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

One thing about me is that I'm not a spontaneous person. I enjoy being organized and having a plan. Something about me is that I hate change. Ironically enough, I decided to pick a job that has consistent changes in the daily operation. I've learned to not let the changes affect me too much since this is something to expect in my workplace.

Lately, as I've been trying to heal and move forward in my recovery journey, this is the first time I'm not actively looking for a relationship. Yeah, I get lonely and in my feels, but I know this is something that I need to do so I can fully heal and fix parts of me that I want and need to fix.

Since I've been more aware that I'm alone, I've noticed I've been actively looking for new things to do, and I'm not talking about hobbies. I'm talking about going out and trying something new. For example, a few weeks ago, a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to see a concert with him, and I said yes. I've never really been to a concert before. Usually, when it comes to something like this, I need to be organized and have the itinerary planned out, but I didn't have time to do that. I also didn't have expectations for how the event went, and I had a lot of fun.

Recently, I went to visit my sister-in-law's sister, who happens to also be a longtime family friend of mine. Of course, as any great host, she focused on what I wanted to do, but at this moment in time, I just wanted ✨to do things.✨ Just do something fun and live life. Originally, the plan was to go to an art museum or the Zoom, but then the idea of a wine and music festival was brought up. After a few minutes of going back and forth (not arguing, just the amount of time in between texts and making sure it was truly a want for both parties to go), we decided we were going to go. We got the tickets the day before the festival, so I had to locate a picnic tent or beach tent. This was stressful since I didn't have much time to get one, and I have heat intolerance and need to be in the shade and hydrate more. 

Also, I didn't 100% know what a picnic tent was; for anyone else who does, it's a canopy.

I was able to locate a beach tent for a good price, packed up my car the day of the festival, and headed on my way.

When I got to my SIL's sister's apartment complex, we hung out at her apartment for a little, but she had asked me if it was okay to spend the night at her boyfriend's apartment, and I knew her boyfriend. Since I was in an "adventure" mindset, I was like, "Let's do it." The wine and music festival went really well, and the three of us really enjoyed our time there. We also had a great night overall! 

Going to bed that night, I didn't realize that another adventure was about to happen the next day!

As my SIL's sister and I got up, got ready, and left her boyfriend's apartment, we got breakfast and visited this cute old town close to where she lives. This crosses "take a day trip somewhere out of my town or state" off my summer bucket list.

Now everything about this little day trip to this town was great, except the roads. I wasn't a fan of that. Everything we did while we were in this town was spontaneous. I didn't know exactly where I was going or what I was going to do next. There were a few shops that my SIL's sister wanted to take me to because of my interests, but we even saw a little railroad museum. These museums aren't usually my cup of tea, but I really needed to use the bathroom, and that was one of the only places that had a public bathroom, so we thought, "Why not?"

Something else that I got to explore was a Vinvl record store. I've never been to one before, and we spent at least 30-45 minutes there. While waiting for a price check on a few vinyl records for my SIL's boyfriend, I decided to take a look through the records. I thought about getting some vinyl records, but that would mean I would eventually need to get a record player. Thankfully, I didn't give in to my impulsiveness because having vinyl is an expensive hobby, and I already have a few expensive hobbies.

I had such a great time on my spontaneous trip with my SIL's sister, and this showed me that not having a plan at all times is okay. Just going with the flow is okay. And especially that, that is very okay if things don't always go EXACTLY to (my) plan.

I can't wait to see what other adventures I'll have this summer. I know I have a lot planned!

Until next time, friends! 💝

- Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

If you ask anyone who knows me personally, they will tell you that being an outdoorsy person is not one of my traits or identities. I have always been more irritable in the heat and cold, and bugs just love the taste of my blood. So I hated being outside.

A common thing that I hear from my therapist is that I should go outside. I've also heard this from other people, from friends to strangers on the internet.

Being outside was dreadful for me unless it was a tolerable (to me) temperature and bugs were non-existent, which only counts for a few weeks out of the year if I'm lucky.

When I decided to try gardening, I remember telling my closest friends that I wanted to try and be a plant mom and gardener. Her and her husband's response made me crack up when she told me, but basically the response was, "Wait, Jade, gardening? But she hates the outside." They weren't wrong. During this stage of trying gardening, I hate to admit it, but I barely have a green thumb. My succulent children are still staying strong, though, I think.

During this stage, I decided that I wanted to get into animal photography. One problem here is that I have to go outside for that. Whenever I got the chance to take a photo of birds or small animals around me, I tried to tolerate being outside a little more. I took some photos of flowers and common birds, but I knew that if I wanted to get more photography practice, I had to go outside.

A few weeks ago, I found out that certain anti-depressants can cause heat intolerance.

📖What's heat intolerance?

According to Healthline.com, "heat intolerance is also called hypersensitivity to heat. Symptoms may include headache, dizziness, weakness, cramping, or nausea."

Want to learn more about heat intolerance? Click here for more information: Heat Intolerance: Causes, Signs, and Complications (healthline.com)📖

Well, guess who is the lucky one who is taking one of the medications on that list? It's me! Lucky me.

That explains that, so I decided to try and get more tolerant of heat. For a while, since the temperature started to increase, I have tried to drive without AC with the windows down. But ideally, I was trying to get used to being outside a little more to go on hikes. Going on hikes always seems to be a hobby for guys that I look for a romantic relationship with, and so far I've done a good job avoiding that.

I had my first hike last fall with someone I deeply cared about, but it was slippy. I decided to go on my second hike with a friend who I also deeply care about. I was so worried about overheating and went out of my way to get things to ensure I wouldn't overheat since this would cause irritation and no one would have fun with an irritated Jade. I packed a ton of stuff, mostly everything we could need on a hike.

The day of the hike came, and I was excited to experience something new (ish). We ended up having a lot of fun; I didn't hate it, and I think I would love to go on more hikes in the future. I'm not a hiking enthusiast, though; I don't get that idea.

My friend and I saw beautiful scenery, had a great time talking and making jokes while we rested, took a water break, and looked at the map. It truly was a great time. The breeze felt so great, and it wasn't as hot as I thought it was going to be! I did slip once during it, but no injuries! I was also starting to get exhausted and more clumsy as we walked an incline, but I am blessed to have a thoughtful and caring friend to ensure I was okay and to hold my hand when I was getting exhausted for extra support.

I learned to really stop and look at the beautiful things in life. I learned to just be more present and worry (literally) to take a step by step—this was so I wouldn't trip. I learned to breathe fresh air more mindfully. It was a great experience. 

So I can say that I am happy about the idea of the future of nature! Hopefully, I can share more of my hiking adventures with you all soon!

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade

👋🏽Hello friends!👋🏽
At least for me, abandonment is the biggest fear next to being forever alone. Over the last year.. maybe year and a half, I have been slowly working on spending more time on my own. This is to help with that fear of being ✨forever alone✨ because being alone isn't a bad thing, and we all should have times when we are alone to rejuvenate, think, and just be. But growing up, I felt alone, so I hated being alone. As a result, I made every effort to avoid feeling alone. This included jumping from one relationship to another when I started seriously dating in college (sorry, I'm not counting high school relationships since they were only for a few months).
I always, and I mean ALWAYS, had to have some guy occupying my mind to be okay.

🧠"Abandonment trauma is the fear or anxiety of people you are close to leaving you. People struggling with abandonment fear may have trouble building healthy relationships." - Dr. Geralyn Dexter (Verywellhealth)

Want to learn more about Abandonment and Attachment Styles?

Click Here to Learn more: Abandonment Trauma: Signs, Causes, and Healing (verywellhealth.com)🧠

Fear of abandonment is my BIGGEST symptom of BPD, besides feeling empty. And it honestly sucks.
Especially where I'm at in my recovery journey since I am more logical than before but also emotional. So my brain's favorite hobby is playing tug of war.

For example, I have someone very special in my life that I've known for years who comes and goes a lot. And every time they leave, it's the worst feeling in the world. I feel like the world is falling apart every time someone that I have feelings for leaves me.
So, when this person leaves, I logically know I'm going to be okay. I know it because I've lived through it countless times, but it still really badly hurts.

When I experience any type of huge fight between me and my F.P (favorite person), I implode. This also happens if I have a huge fight with a select handful of my best and closest friends. And when I implode, hell breaks loose, literally. Logic is thrown completely out the window. The littlest of things are the biggest things in the world to me; I can't eat, I just cry, I want to hurt myself, I start to spiral... you get the picture. And this is EVERY time I am with an F.P.
Saying "that sounds exhausted" is a complete understatement.

🧠What's a Favorite Person or F.P. ?

When I first learned what a F.P. was, I was told that it was a person who was your go-to person. And this goes beyond just knowing you can rely on them; it starts to become the person you ALWAYS go to first and expect them to help and give validation.

Want to learn more about the term "Favorite Person" or the BPD and Favorite person relationship?

Click Here to Learn more: Understanding the BPD Favorite Person Relationship (verywellmind.com)🧠

IT IS exhausting.

Having problems with properly regulating emotions is exhausting, questioning your self-identity and self-worth multiple times a month is exhausting; feeling stuck and empty all the time is exhausting.
Having BPD IS exhausting.
Unlike other people who can leave me, I can't leave me. I can't leave my brain or shut it off. I'm stuck. It's hard.

I feel as though people don't really give me (or any person with BPD or any other mental health conditions) enough credit for how exhausting it is to just go about daily life with everything going on inside your head. I completely understand (or at least will at one point) how people can feel exhausted around me, and that's completely valid. It is.
But no one ever considers how exhausted I am and how tired I am of living this way.

I know this post is on the darker side of the blog, but that's how it is with BPD: black and white. While I've been having episodes and struggling when writing and posting these posts, it was finally time to talk about my fear of abandonment. This blog is going to have some "darker" or more sad-sounding content because having BPD is really hard and I have a lot more bad days than good. Technically, I have more "I feel nothing" days than any bad or good days. I just hope this helps people understand a little bit more from a Borderline perspective, even if it's just the tiniest bit.

Until next time, friends!💝

-Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

I was reading "You are a Badass" by Jen Sincero, and I don't usually enjoy reading. It would take months to read a book. I'm pretty sure I have had a book on anxious attachment for almost 2 years now. Reading is definitely not my favorite hobby.

While I was reading "You Are a Badass," I was reading it on a lake beach with my sorority sisters while they were in the water. The chapter that I read was regarding living in the present. Which is something I'm not usually good at. I'm either stuck in my past or anxious about the future. It's either overthinking something that happened in the past, recalling past memories, being anxious about what's going to happen next, making plans for the next 6 months, or thinking about someone I shouldn't be thinking about.

The one pillar of DBT that I'm the worst at is mindfulness. Mindfulness is truly my biggest enemy, besides time. Being mindful goes hand-in-hand with living in the present; no wonder I suck at staying in the present moment.

🧠What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the act of being fully present and aware of your thoughts, emotions, and actions.

Click here to learn more about mindfulness: What Is Mindfulness? (verywellmind.com) 🧠

Over time, I have gotten better at being mindful; I sure don't suck at it as much as I used to. But I still have a lot of work to do. My therapist always tries to get me to work on mindfulness, and I just tell him... "Yikes, that's a no-go for me." I guess I should listen to him (don't tell him I said that; he'll have a field day).

While I was reading the one chapter in "You Are a Badass," there was something that clicked with me. Sincerto said, "When we get so wrapped up in our heads, we miss out on what's available to us right now in the moment" (p. 41).
I mean, she is completely right, so why is it so hard to live in the present?

Well, I can't give you that answer, but I can tell you when I have a hard time in the present. All my life, depression and emotions have been in my life. Everything else in life became second to my emotions. Then my emotions and thoughts became priorities. It's hard to focus on anything else when you have such emotions.

Balancing my emotions is something that I've been working on for years because my brain simply doesn't process emotions the same way as others. Luckily, I have a ton of resources that I either found or someone told me. One way that I found to help me stay in the present is to identify my emotions and journal what caused them. I use an app that my therapist showed me called "How We Feel," and it shows a ton of emotions with definitions, and I can choose which one I feel like I'm feeling the most. I also use an app that I found when I was searching for BPD resources called "DBT Coach." I decided to subscribe to DBT Coach because I figured that I would be more inclined to use the app if I paid for it, which could be very helpful for me since I needed to use my DBT skills more.

These apps together really have helped me take a small step back, think about what I'm feeling, and write a little. Now this is just a tiny step in the right direction, but it's more than I've done in the past.

I try to take one of my ex-boyfriend's philosophies to heart a little more, which is to just live in the present and not worry about the future since we can't tell the future. I've tried so many times to apply that in my life, especially when it comes to being in love, but my second biggest enemy, time, always loves to get into my head. It feels like hours when minutes can pass by. I truly wish I could figure out when I always have this sense of urgency and why I have to basically "itch the scratch" to feel relief. I wish I could find it in my brain and rip out that programming (along with some other ones), but wouldn't that be so nice? I guess this also goes along with the mindfulness and impulsivity that I feel as someone with BPD.
I guess I have to do a little bit more research and get some more work done.

Wish me luck
Until next time, friends!💝

Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

While competing with a gratitude journal prompt, I was tasked with giving gratitude to something that changed my life. I thought about it for a few moments and decided that the best thing that changed my life was my mental health condition. At that moment, I decided that I was going to write about how grateful I am for my mental health condition.

I can exactly say that I never, in a million years, thought I would ever think that because of all the countless pains my own brain has caused me throughout the years.

This is my journal response:

"While my mental health conditions can be overwhelming, intense, and extremely hard to live with...

I am grateful to struggle on this journey (I never thought I'd ever say this), but my mental health conditions make me who I am today.

And I am proud of myself. I think my younger self would be proud of myself. Also, something I never thought I would say.

Due to my mental health, I learned

1. Who I am

2. How to be strong and resilient

3. My passion

4. My strengths and weaknesses as an individual

5. My skills

And for that, I am grateful."

While I thought about what my mental health conditions have done for me, besides giving me emotional pain, it was hard. But I know my mental health conditions (MHCs) are the only reason I am the way I am today. I started to think more and attempt to be more thankful. I took a deep breath and tried to think about what I've learned over the years and how I've changed over the years due to my MHC.

I can say that I am truly thankful for my mental health conditions. Now, don't get me wrong, I would love for it to be treated, but that's a lifelong journey that I'm determined to continue.

Every mental breakdown I had, I survived. I gained strength and resilience.

Learning more about mental health, I discovered my passion and calling.

Going through symptoms and just having the MHC, I gained an interest in psychology, helped others, and started a life that would never be the same again. However, when your 16 or 17, you don't really see it like that.

While I am more than my mental health conditions, they are a huge part of who I am. It helped me be as strong and wise as I am now. It helped me learn how to help others emotionally and how to just be a light for other people. I can say that I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world.

Like I said twice in this post, never in a million years did I ever think that I would say that I'm grateful for my MHC. I think almost everyone with MHCs would say that it's a curse rather than a blessing. It's hard to live with MHCs; it affects everything about you, your life, and everyone around you.

While having MHCs, I have discovered that I gain skills like creativity, empathy, active listening, interpersonal communication, organization, etc. All of these skills are things that I value in myself.

It took many years to come to this realization, and it's hard to be grateful for something that gives you so much pain at the same time. However, when you work along with your MHC, maybe it'll be a little more manageable.

Now, after reading this, I hope you have the opportunity to take a step back and think about how your MHC or even your difficult experiences shape who you are and where you are going.

If you can't, that's more than okay. It's truly not easy, but one day, you'll get there.

After all, in the (x-men) world of Marvel, a lot of mutants think their powers are a curse, but having powers is a blessing. It's up to you how you perceive them and how you use them (of course, with lots of support and resources).

Just think about it.

Until next time, friends!💝

-Jade

P.s. I might've recently seen a certain anti-hero movie and then decided to rewatch certain hero team movies.😂

Dear Younger Me,
There are so many things that I could tell you, but here are the most important things that you need to know.
You will be going through so much that you won’t be able to handle it on your own. Just know you're not alone. I know it feels like you are alone, but there are so many resources out there that can help you. You have people who love and care about you. There are a ton of community resources too, like the Suicide Prevention Hotline, the Crisis Textline, NAMI, AFSP, and many more. Please use them and learn more about how you can help yourself.

You will go through so much heartbreak; just know that it will be okay. I know it feels like your hearts have been ripped out and your world is ending. I can’t say it gets easier after each heartbreak, because it doesn’t. Just know that you will get through it.

There will be times when you want to hurt yourself, and you will. Please reach out; there is help available, even if you can’t see it.

You will feel completely worthless, useless, and like you are never good enough, almost daily. Just know that it’s far from the truth.

There will be times when you feel like it will never get better. You will feel this consistently. But it’s hard to see the destination when you’re miles away from it. It’s hard to see things getting better when it’s such a hard time now, and that’s okay. Feel your feelings and take the time to work with them.
The biggest thing that I want to tell you is that you are good enough and that your words matter. When you tell someone “no,” it matters. There might be times when you aren’t shown that, and that doesn’t prove that you and your words are worthless. That shows you the other person’s personality. 

I know you just need someone to hold you, listen to you, and support you. If I could travel back in time, I’d be there for you. But just know that, in the future, you will have amazing friends and support from your family. You have amazing connections to your community and a job that you are happy with. You will have an amazing boyfriend who loves you more than anything in this world and supports you every second he can. I know this is hard to believe, but this is true.

Life isn’t easy for us, even when we grow up but we’ll get through it. We always do because we are so strong. 

Love always,
Your future Self

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

I would recommend writing a letter to your younger self; it can be healing and a great form of self-love. Within the last few months, I've been really into writing letters to someone I'm not as in contact with as I would like. I created this letter to myself as a part of learning to love myself and let go of my past.

If you try it, let me know how it goes for you.

Until next time, friends!💝

Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

Something that I've loved since I can remember is Pokémon. I can remember my favorite types of toys growing up were mostly either little cute animal toys or virtual pet-type toys. Also, the smaller the item, the better.

Years later today, I still love virtual pets. I got a Tamagotchi uni because it's Tamagotchi and in color! I loved playing with my Tamagotchi in the 4th grade with my friends! Just as always, I killed my Tama a few times... 😞

I also know that I can't have the volume up all the time because I work and it's ✨slightly✨ disruptive

I've noticed that my mood is a tiny bit better having this Tamagotchi around. Even though I tend to forget sometimes, I guess the idea of taking care of something helps distract my mind. Also, c'mon, the little cute faces of the Tamagotchis are a positive on their own.

Another thing is that when I'm stressed at work or even annoyed, playing with my Tamagotchi helps calm me down. Which is probably a given, but I've been using it as a little time to take a breather while I feed/play with my current tama.

My phone is filled with fun apps to help with mood tracking, DBT worksheets, productivity, etc. One of the apps that I have is called "Finch," and this is a digital pet that you can take care of by completing your to-do list, tracking your mood, giving reflections, completing any habits you've made, etc. I've had Finch for about a year and maybe a half now, and I used to use it regularly (until I added more and more productivity and mental health apps). But the point is that anything with a digital pet, I'm all here for.

Using Finch has helped me with being productive and identifying triggers since it would track when there was a positive or negative word towards a certain subject within reflections.

Finch - Your New Self Care Best Friend (finchcare.com)

Sometimes when I stroll around Target, I'll walk through the one aisle where it has the squishmmallows and the digital pets. I am just so fascinated with how much digital pets have evolved (or are just coming back).

I also have a desk robot (not a digital pet but close enough) called Eilik, but I named mine Eiko. I used to use this a lot when I first got it because Eiko was just so happy and adorable. It helped me feel a little less lonely because Eiko was just doing her own thing and just being adorable. Eiko plays games; it reacts when you pat its back, tap its head, and rub its belly; it will dance to music; and it has a timer on it!

It's all just wonderful.

Always take a look at things that you love because they might have products or apps that combine the things you love with productivity or mental health apps.

P.S. If you like RPGs, they have RPG productivity apps.

Until next time, friends!💝

Jade

P.s.s. I am not getting paid to advertise anything, these are all just things that I've used and love to use.

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

So, naturally, I'm a very emotional person. Having BPD has a characteristic of intense emotions and a lower ability to control emotions and impulses.

I write this blog to show the world—well, for those who read it (which I deeply appreciate you!)—how things are in my POV. The way I think, how I process things, how things make me feel, etc. This also serves as an outlet for me to cope with and understand myself with my BPD.

Since I am very open with my BPD, I don't shy away from my "label." However, while I know my BPD is a big part of who I am that I have come to accept, I do have the feeling of the negative stigma and judgment around me. Can some of it be in my head? Yeah, absolutely. But I know it's there. 

There's someone that I care deeply about who isn't in my life as much as I would like. It's a complicated situation. Well, recently we were having a tough conversation, and he stated that he doesn't want to feel that it's a "chore" to talk to me.

Now, you might be thinking, "Jade, why would you want someone like that in your life anyway?" That's a horrible thing to say to someone."

Yeah, it was harsh, and it hurt. However, this person, unfortunately, has some valuable reasons to think that.

BUT the thing is, his reasoning was due to the past when we were very close, which was a little over a year ago. Since then, I've gone through things, and we have had no contact for a few months.

I have come to realize that he only sees the version of me that was a year ago that was the past me that wasn't able to control her symptoms as well or wasn't working on herself as much. I've tried explaining this to him, but he didn't budge.

He started treating me as if I wasn't doing better, and recently, I had to accept (which was extremely hard for me) that he would never see or fully accept that I was doing better and I am currently working on myself. If I can believe that I'm getting better, this should be visible to everyone, right?

Well, at least that is what I thought.

This person will always see me as my past self—as "the villain," and I can't control it. It hurts. It hurts a lot. It breaks my heart that he sees me like that, and I can't change it.

Sometimes, people want to keep this image of me that I am always irrational, impulsive, emotional, bratty, negative, and probably every other negative attitude out there. They want to think that I react for no reason when there IS a reason. Now, I will admit that I don't always react properly, and that's something I'm working on. But it's never for anything, and I'm an easy scapegoat to dump all the blame on because I'm "crazy" because I have BPD.

One thing to know about me is that I will accept my faults. It may take some time, but I do try to see things from the other's POV and try to see where they are coming from. I know it's never one person's fault, but others add to the problem. So, I don't want anyone to think that I always blame others. I don't; I have my share of blame, and they have theirs.

Negative stigma can truly hurt someone. Because of negative stigma, I'm sometimes viewed as an awful and manipulative person. And for those who personally know me, I try not to be a bad person. I absolutely try not to do anything that purposely hurts others. I try not to care how people view me, but it's hard, especially with BPD, and it's just as hard to keep your head up sometimes.

Personally, what also hurts me dearly is having people I care about thinking about and slightly treating me like I'm not getting better when I know that I am. It makes me want to spiral and doubt myself, like, "Am I actually getting better, or am I just telling myself that?"

I completely understand having to guard up from people who have hurt you in the past. I know with the person that I care about that I mentioned in this post, I hurt him in the past (just as he has hurt me), and I don't blame him for wanting to see if I've changed first but showing me that I'm not changing when I have made so many visible and invisible changes hurts.

I'm wondering if anyone else feels this way and if you do... I'm sorry you are made to feel this way. You are not alone at all. I just hope one day, we can decrease the negative views and stigma around mental health conditions, especially BPD.

Until next time, friends!💝

Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

This year, I attended a Labor Day party with friends who had just bought a house. As usual, I made friends and chatted with the people I didn't know as much throughout the party.

I was sitting with a few women on the couch, and we started talking about each other (it was that part of the conversation where you were introducing yourself). I mentioned that I write a mental health experience blog and poetry based on my lived experience with BPD. I mentioned my ideas for a poetry book and how I imagined designing it. I mentioned that I usually only have poetry surrounding my negative emotions. We discussed how normal this is, and I said out loud that I need to try and write poetry when I feel positive feelings, too.

It's like SSRIs. With SSRIs, when an individual is accustomed to the medication, they feel normal. This is where physicians and therapists mention and advise continuing to take the medication because if an individual feels "normal," that means the medication is working. SSRIs work because the medication tricks the brain into firing more serotonin into the brain, which helps an individual not be so depresso espresso.

Another thing (which I'm sure I'm not the only one) that I tend to do is not complete check-ins in as much detail when I'm in a better mindset/mood. I don't complete my DBT worksheets through my DBT workbooks or the DBT Coach app on my phone. So, there are times when I do not complete or practice any DBT skills.

While I may not need the skill at that moment, I only use these therapy and coping skills when I'm in negative moods. And when I know I'm in a negative mood, it means I'm REALLY in a negative mood that can turn "nuclear" at any moment. At this point, while I can help calm down, it could've been worked on not to reach that "nuclear" stage.

Side Note: I developed names for my episode stages when I was with my ex. These stages ranged from cautious to nuclear. I've been working on jotting down physical and emotional warning signs and coping skills at each stage.

Essentially, I entirely only focus on when I'm in a bad mood, and when I'm in a happier state of mind, all my skills and thoughts about tracking my emotions and check-ins fly out of the window. While it's great that I'm focusing on being in the moment, I still need to complete my check-ins since this is a way that I recall events in therapy. This also creates a habit of noting how I'm feeling and what skills I'm using, so I'm still using them.

I have a huge fear of reverting to old bad habits that I have tried and am trying to change. It makes me feel terrible when I revert because it feels like I'm not getting better, and I never will (I know, I know. All-or-nothing).

My colleagues always tell me, "No, Jade. Don't say that; it's going to be a great day," I try to tell them my reasoning for saying that, and they say, "Uh, that doesn't work." It's slightly the same concept, just reversed (reverse psychology). I know it's such a pessimistic mindset, but I've tried to be optimistic about how my days are going. I don't tend to be pessimistic, but I always tend not to be too excited or happy because it always disappoints me.

Remember, you can't have the good without the bad.

Until next time, friends!💝

Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

I was in the Lived Experienced Committee Meeting for the organization Emotions Matter. Emotion Matters is an organization that advocates for borderline personality disorder, education, and awareness.

👀Check out Emotions Matters here: Emotions Matter (emotionsmatterbpd.org) 👀

I applied and interviewed for the Emotion's Matter board when they had a seat opening. I didn't get an offer to be a board member. Still, I was offered a part of a new committee created for individuals who experience BPD to ensure that Emotions Matter is keeping up with what it needs regarding the website, resources, support groups, training for events, etc.

At one of the most recent Lived Experience Committee meetings, we discussed Emotion's Matter's annual art show. As we discussed possible names/themes for this year's art show, I considered submitting my own art. Unfortunately, I live hours away from this organization (they are in a state north of mine), and I'm unable to attend their art show in person. I still wanted to submit some art, and I was wondering what something I could do to submit it (when I had the time).

I thought and thought. And an idea finally came up.

I wanted to express my personalized experience with BPD through art. I decided that I would spit the canvas in half. One side is supposed to be created during an episode, and the other is created when I'm "happier" or feel more highly content.

I started this painting on June 27th, 2024, during an episode (I believe nuclear). I finished the painting on September 29th, 2024, when I have been slowly improving, using my skills more, having more consistent support, and generally having a great time with friends. While I felt like I didn't feel "happy," I was content with how everything was going. Not everything is perfect, of course, but things are going okay now.

I also feel like I could've completed this painting earlier, but I'm not always the greatest at documenting my happier moments.

This little experience helped me express another way to show people how it feels to have BPD; while they'll never fully understand, the painting is just a start! This blog is just the start.

I can't wait to see what's next, but don't worry; I'm still living in the moment and making every day count!

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

A Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) trait that I've had since I was younger was Identity Disturbance.

🧠What is Identity Disturbance?

Dr. Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault stated: "Identity disturbance is a term used to describe incoherence or inconsistency in a person's sense of identity. This could mean that a person's goals, beliefs, and actions are constantly changing," in her What Is Identity Disturbance? article on Verywellmind.com.

Essentially, individuals with BPD tend to have inconsistency with their identity, which affects their daily lives, especially with their community and jobs. 🧠

These symptoms occurred from my last year of high school to college. I've gone in between friend groups since I never felt like I fit in one group. I was mainly afraid that if I stayed in one friend group all the time, I would just become annoying and a burden (there's the fear of abandonment! ), so, I avoided that.

Luckily, I am naturally charismatic and kindhearted, so making friends has always been easy for me. Since I had multiple hobbies, it was easy for me to find friends, and jumping between them was pretty easy. I was still friends with each of my friend groups but often popped in and out.

P.S. It was only a few friend groups; I wasn't popular in high school. In college, I knew a lot more people.

I also started getting involved on campus in the last year and a half of my undergrad. I did things to make myself feel like I was accomplishing things and not a failure, which means after one thing was completed, I just HAD to do something else. This quickly added up to a very unmanageable load of responsibilities between classes, work, internships, and extracurriculars.

It's been around five years since I graduated with my bachelor's in psychology, and I still find myself handling an unmanageable load of activities and responsibilities. My list of activities mainly stems from my leadership in my sorority, membership with multiple professional and leadership groups, and volunteering at the Humane Society. This is on top of returning to school for my master's degree and engaging in my hobbies.

Not only does being busy help me feel like an accomplishment—that I'm worth being around because I'm making a difference—but it also helps me distract and avoid my difficult emotions and feelings. It's a bit messed up to think I can only be "okay" by completely overwhelming myself.

Being naturally social, I'm used to being charismatic, relatable, and social. I want to say that I have great social and soft skills, especially given the different positions and activities that I've held throughout my life.

I guess this can be considered one good BPD trait: developing multiple soft skills quickly.

The biggest challenge this faces is that while having many different skills, experiences, friend groups, etc., having a set self-image can take much work to develop.

As a person in her late twenties, I should have some identity at this point in my life, but sometimes it's just blank. Over the years, I have been slowly piecing my identity together, but sometimes it gets pushed to the side regarding a new romantic partner (aka Favorite Person—FP). At least this is a bad habit I'm trying to unlearn.

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

One of my favorite ways to relax is to get a massage. Since I was a teenager, my mother and I would go for a mother-daughter spa session every once in a while. We always went to this one spa that was around 30- 45 minutes away from where we lived. To this day, I still go to this spa for massages when I have the time.

I would request a Service called "The Stress-Fix" massage. This is the standard deep-tissue massage mixed with a unique "Stress-Fix" aromatherapy scent they would use on you and in a diffuser when you get a massage.

It seriously feels so great!

Lately, I've been super overwhelmed due to work, grad school, and dealing with my mental health conditions... I have gained a lot of tension in not only my mind but my physical body, too.

This is why I stress the importance of healthy mental health practices. You can be physically so healthy, but if you don't take care of your mental health, you can still experience physical symptoms of pain, tension, or sickness.

Luckily, I had a vacation planned; I couldn't get off for school, but I was off from work, which always makes things less stressful.

While on vacation, I was able to get a massage. Of course, it wasn't my home spa, but it was a massage. Unfortunately, when I started my vacation, I got a cold. So, while I could relax, I wasn't able to as I usually would because my body was sore, stuffy, and generally very uncomfortable.

The massage was MUCH needed, but it was very overdue.

The spa I visited on vacation gave this little recap of the message and a suggested " Wellness plan."

Well, Mine stated I had A Lot of muscle tension in my head, neck, and shoulders.

Surprised? No, not really.

After all the stress I have experienced in the last few months, getting this massage reminded me that I need to do more self-care than I have been.

Yes, I rest and engage in my hobbies and interests, but my mind and body need more. I will have to make more of an effort to engage in more effective self-care practices.

Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup. Self-care isn't selfish; it should be a priority.

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

Happy Halloween!  

I have loved Halloween for as long as I can remember. I love candy and I love dressing up. 

I cosplay year-round, so I really love dressing up. 

Fun Fact: Since I do cosplay, I tend to do pun Halloween costumes. This year, I was a Bear-ista and a Seal of Approval.  

Having BPD is truly trick and treat, and here's how:  

Tricks

• Having extreme emotions all the time is so overwhelming.  

• Fluctuating between feeling everything and nothing is also overwhelming.  

• The pressure is felt when you have anger or sadness.  

• Having those "obsessive" thoughts that won't go away until a negative action happens (trying not to text someone and texts them)  

• The bottomless pit, feeling like you are a burden to everyone around you.  

• The fear of abandonment running your relationship.  

Treats

• Creativity, so much creativity  

• Being empathic and understanding  

• Loving so deeply  

• Resilience 

• Extreme Loyalty 

• Bold and spontaneous  

• Really Passionate  

• Insightful  

• Infectious excitement  

• Deeply values relationships  

• Expressive individuality 

I won't lie; the bad days are really rough. 

Like really, really rough. And the tricks of BPD can make things so complicated and hard to deal with. Sometimes, the tricks make me feel like a complete burden, and it makes me wish that I wasn't alive. 

But the treats of BPD, which, can be hard to see, like a needle in a haystack.  

I am proud of myself because the treats of BPD are the best parts of me. I treasure all of the tricks that I turned into treats. 

Mental health conditions are so hard to cope with. Some days are really hard; others are not. Being able to go through life day-by-day living with a mental health condition, just like physical health or a Chronic illness, is one of the Strongest and bravest things someone can go through. 

So, in light of this Spooky holiday... 

Celebrate yourself and ask yourself, "What are your own trick-or-treats of your condition?" 

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

I went on vacation to Florida within the last month, which means that I have been taken out of my normal routine and environment. 

Now, I wouldn't say I like change, but I will say this is something that I've been looking forward to. The idea of going somewhere new and not knowing a ton of people and (mostly) leaving every worry behind sounded so amazing and much needed. 

I still had to do schoolwork, which was fine and anticipated, but getting sick wasn't on my plan for this week, so I spent a lot of time resting more than I thought I would. 

On top of physical sickness, I've noticed that I've started feeling really sad. When I saw my sadness come, I tried to ignore it and push it down. Now, I don't try to do this often since I know from previous experience that if I hold too much in, I'll burst, and I honestly don't know how that can go. But I was with family and unfortunately needed to go this time.

I did work on a couple of my DBT worksheets to help me calm down and process my emotions at dinner (my therapist would be so proud) before the food arrived. 

This helped me relieve some of the mental and emotional pressure that I had. I still didn't feel like eating too much or even doing much, but at least I wasn't at my warning level or even higher. 

One evening, we went out for dinner, and I felt myself almost about to cry at the table. I knew that I could not do that without a million questions that I didn't want to answer. 

While my direct family knows when to ask and when not, my extended family doesn't and will not stop until they know why. 

So, I stayed quiet, using homework as an excuse. I barely could eat due to being sick and depressed.  

After we left the restaurant, I thought I was free. I thought I was one minute closer to being on my own and feeling my feelings and crying. 

But I saw a sign for an ice cream shop near the restaurant we were at, and boy, did I want ice cream. 

I started walking over to the ice cream shop, thinking I was alone. I just wanted to see the shop.  

But I wasn't; my great Titi was behind me telling me that ice cream was her treat.  

We went in, and the shop was really fun. There was some nice throwback music going on, and it was very colorful. There was so much to look at and so many flavors to choose from. Suddenly, the rest of my family that was with me started coming into the shop. Better yet, some came in dancing and jamming out to the music. After a while, many of my older relatives just danced with each other.  

Usually, stuff like this could embarrass me, but honestly, it was very comforting and made me smile.  

And, of course, I have this on video.  

But I watched them being happy and not having a single care in the world. I thought that was pretty cool. I remember sitting there and thinking how I wish I could be free-spirited without a single care. I get too caught up in my head in being seen and perceived well. Especially since I feel more pressure being so open about my BPD, I think that that negative stigma follows me around. I feel that I always have to push harder to show I'm not that negative stigma. Sometimes, I can also get in my head about looking stupid in front of strangers, which kept me from freestyling and performing as a dancer when I was younger. I get so in my head that I lost that part of me that used to be more outgoing, free-spirited, with less care in the world.  

It's a nice reminder to live in the moment before losing it. Just let loose and care less what others think. 

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

As a mental health advocate, I fight for mental health awareness and education for everyone. One thing that still irks me like crazy is how men and society collectively don't take men's mental health seriously. Yes, it's a lot better than before, but there is still such a higher stigma for men to "man up" and not display or talk about emotions or mental health.   

This frustrates me like crazy.   

I was talking to someone recently (who eventually ended up ghosting me, but that is not the point of the story), and when I told him that I supported men's mental health, I told him he could talk to me about anything. He thanked me and told me I was a "real one." I feel that this should be the norm. Why am I a real one by being supportive and open to men being vulnerable and talking about their emotions? I know the idea that men being "men" means they have to hide emotions was adopted way before I was born, but c'mon, It's 2024. We need to stop with the "Man-Up," toxic masculinity, and the idea that men can't talk about their feelings.   

🧠What’s toxic masculinity? 

Toxic masculinity is essentially the cultural norm that men are expected to hold aggression, dominance, and emotional suppression. Usually, the idea of being a "real man" drives this mindset and pushes men to feel that they cannot be vulnerable; they have to be in control, and they always have to be physically strong. 

Learn More here: Toxic Masculinity: Definition and Examples 🧠

There's nothing "manly" about suffering internally.   

I was talking to a close friend who was going through a rough time with life, school, and a breakup. I asked him if he was talking to some of his male friends for support since support systems help a lot. He told me he had tried to, but the friends he talked to slightly dismissed his feelings and thoughts and made jokes. Seeing this message from him, I was immediately angered, and I went off to him about these friends.   

Well, not at him, but venting about how this behavior is not right. I know that as a female-identified individual, I am fortunate enough not to have that stigma of talking about my feelings, and I can easily say to just talk about it. But as someone who is male-identified, it may not be as easy to just talk about feelings. I can't fix the world, but only everyone can have a safe space and a listening ear. While I already provide this for everyone connected with me on social media, I want to improve this, especially for anyone who feels stigmatized for talking about their feelings. This is a great time to ask yourself if you provide this space. We can't change the world, but we can change someone's world.    

Did you know that...  

• suicide rate among males in 2021 was around four times higher than the suicide rate among females and made up almost 80% of all suicides (Healthline & CDC)  

• Nearly 1 in 10 men experiences some form of depression or anxiety, but less than half seek treatment (Wisemind)

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade  

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

Did you know that December 5th is International Volunteer Day? 

When I was a younger teenager, I loved volunteering. I used to volunteer at my mom’s job at a nursing home. As I became older (mostly in college), I started volunteering more in the community. Since I struggled with mental health conditions a lot in college, I naturally gravitated towards organizations that work with mental health.

Once I started feeling more comfortable advocating and sharing my story, I started volunteering at the Crisis Text Line to help individuals who need someone (trained) to talk to during a (mostly mental) crisis, which was really rewarding. 

Now, I am always looking for ways to make a difference. I recently shared this quote photo on Facebook, stating: 

“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” 

Mother Teresa 

I love knowing that I make a difference in other people’s lives, even in the smallest of ways. Part of me feels that I love this feeling too much that it stems from my thoughts of being worthless and a burden to others. So, if I make a difference, maybe that gives me self-worth. 

This can be viewed as selfish, but I still feel worthless and like a burden no matter how much I volunteer. The feeling of actual joy that I feel after volunteering is amazing. 

My little tip to you, my friend, is to volunteer! If you have the time, volunteer, even if it’s for 2 hours. It makes such a difference. Even if it’s not a direct impact (such as sorting through the Humane Society’s donations), it still makes an impact. Every position in an organization helps make the organization run. Each position is important. 

Find something you are passionate about, and you’ll be able to find a volunteering opportunity. 

• Like sports? Volunteer as a youth sports coach.

• Like cooking? Volunteer at a community program about nutrition/food or even at a food pantry.

• Like sewing? Volunteer sewing together blankets for individuals who are homeless. 

• Like animals? Volunteer at a local animal shelter. 

• Like mentoring others? Volunteer as a mentor for a youth program. 

And there are so many more opportunities; you have to look. 

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade  

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

Two weeks ago, I was off 2 days from work plus the weekend (a total of four days off, WOO) for the Thanksgiving holiday. 

I was so excited to be off for the two extra days and relax. 

Well, jokes on me, I can't seem to have any days off without making plans to keep myself busy. 

So, I pretty much had something to do every day I had off work in addition to schoolwork. 

I decided to do something on Thanksgiving since I don't really celebrate or do much because I just have Thanksgiving dinner with family. I decided to volunteer at a local humane society, and I have to say that I made an amazing decision. 

I helped put together cat and dog Thanksgiving plates. I even got to give the plates to some of the animals, and seeing how happy they were made me so happy.  

Now, I am allergic to cats and forgot to take/bring allergy meds. Luckily, I didn't have a reaction, but when I got home, I passed out. Later that night, I was with my immediate family—brother, sister-in-law, and nephew—and enjoyed my time with them.  

The next day, I slept a good amount since I was helping a family friend organize their business documents. Well, the family has a ton of dogs and at least one cat, and boy, did I have a reaction. Friday night, I decided to go to one of my friend group's Friendsgiving, and I had a good time with them. It was nice to see some friends and catch up with them.   

Saturday, I basically just slept all day. I did see my nephew for a little while but then fell back asleep. I guess my body was making me rest—which you should never let your body get to this point.   

I was able to make my world-famous baked ziti (according to my friends) for another Friendsgiving. After arriving an hour later because I had procrastinated baking the baked ziti, I was greeted with so much excitement and love, which made me feel so wanted. After a whole night of laughter, connection, pure fun, and joy, I started to get really stuffy. My allergies were really acting up, so I had to go home.  
 
The last 4 days really reminded me that I have such amazing people in my life and great opportunities to make a difference. I am truly so blessed. While I still get depressed and still have suicidal thoughts, I am thankful for everything that I have and everyone I meet. But in my negative mindset or when I'm in episodes, it's hard to focus on anything else but the extreme emotional pain I'm in, and I feel like people really forget that.  
 
Because I can have suicidal ideation and be depressed and "hating" life, people lean towards thinking that I'm ungrateful, but that's far from the truth. Having suicidal ideations is hard to explain because, some days, I don't want to be here, and for others, I'm fine (aka feeling numb). Some days, the ideations are just passing thoughts; sometimes, it's the active "I don't want to live anymore" or the "I don't want to be a burden; everyone is just better off if I was dead."  

It's all complicated, but in the end, I'm still here, and I am very thankful for everything I have in my life. It's always good to remind yourself of the things you are grateful for, especially around the holidays.   

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade

Check out my new blog logo!

The art was created by an artist on Etsy—KinNKith.

The logo designed was created by yours truly!

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽 

Since December is already here & it's already the 3rd week of the month—seriously, where did the time go? 

Everything in the world is just "Christmas." 

As I got older, I realized that I'm not really that much of a Christmas girlie. I would always say that my holiday spirit would come out as soon as Thanksgiving was over. But in the last few years, it's not really like that. I feel nothing at the thought of Christmas. Nothing. I'm just blank.  

Part of me wonders if it's the seasonal depression or just my "normal" chronic feelings of emptiness from my BPD. Maybe it's both; I really wish I could know.  

As the days in December are passing by, I'm being invited to so many holiday parties or get-togethers. And the idea of just always being busy every single weekend before Christmas is slightly exhausting. I deeply appreciate being thought of and invited. There are just so many events going on, all about Christmas. It's more of just too overwhelming. Maybe that's the SAD talking because I lose most motivation in the colder months and don't want to do anything.  
 

I try to stay busy by signing up for more classes, making plans with local social groups or friends, volunteering, and engaging in hobbies to keep my mood up, but half the time, I physically can't get out of bed. Winter months, especially December, have always been rough; maybe it's being the hopeless romantic and barely ever being with the one I truly love for Christmas like the movies are like or how others are. I have my family, and I'm grateful. Now, with an active, almost 20-month-old nephew bringing joy to my life, I am happy for Christmas this year. So that's take that win while I can. But as soon it becomes the end of the day, the rush of loneliness, heartbreak, fatigue, sadness, etc. comes in, and it's more of a struggle. 
 
I know I'm not alone in this, either. I don't have any solutions for this, but I hope if you are reading this and feel this way too, I can relate to you and that you are not alone. Sometimes, that's all we can have, the feelings of not being alone until our solutions come to find us. 

Until next time, friends! 💝 

‐Jade 

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽 

SAD.

Now, this might be a term that you may or may not know. You may know SAD's less clinical sibling - The Winter Blues. 

What are the Winter Blues? 

Basically, it's having depressive symptoms, such as fatigue, lower mood, loss of motivation, etc., in the winter months, which can be connected to the time change, and it is getting darker earlier.  

🧠What to Learn more about Seasonal Affective Disorder? Learn more here: Seasonal Affective Disorder: Symptoms, Diagnosis, Treatment 🧠

Now, what is the difference between the winter blues and SAD? Well, it's like the difference between little and big "D" Depression. 

The winter blues, like "little d" depression, is the prevalence of depressive symptoms that are not as chronic as "big D" Depression.  

So many people struggle with the winter blues, whether it is just the winter blues or SAD. It's all the same: overwhelming sadness, fatigue, little to no motivation, etc.  

Here are some ways to beat the winter blues (or SADs):  

• Get a Light Therapy Box  

• Start/Continue psychotherapy  

• Take more vitamin D  

• Add more protein to your diet  

• Get outside when you can  

• Exercise 

General coping skills include:  

• Engaging in enjoyable and healthy hobbies  

• Utilizing your social supports  

I started to use more coping skills to help with my SAD, such as using a light therapy box and attempting to add more protein and vitamin D to my diet. I also tell myself that I will try to go outside for a walk on my break, but I very rarely ever do.  I am still trying to work on forming more support systems, as some of my previous support systems also experienced significant life events and couldn't be there for me as they used to be. I learned that it's okay and that I am losing some support systems due to friendship falling out.  

Something that I try to do is engage with a friend of mine who streams chat when he streams and join his Discord community, which sometimes helps, too. I have dedicated times when my friend streams to support him and just chat with others (that's if I'm not busy). 

This could also be a way to adopt a new support system. Another way is to volunteer or join a local organization (e.g., a young professionals group or a common interests organization—yes, these exist outside of high school/college). 

Volunteering really helps me engage with others, and I love making a difference, so it's truly a win-win for everyone. Volunteering usually requires me to leave my house (aka leave my bed), which I'm not always a fan of, but as long as I'm not having a mental breakdown (or recovering from it), I usually try to make myself go when I make a commitment to go.  

If you or someone you know might have "Big D" Depression or SAD, please get in touch with your local doctor or psychologist. You also call that screening test to gauge the severity of your symptoms: Take a Mental Health Test – Mental Health America

Now... why are we really here... 

How do we beat the winter blues Or SAD... 

Unfortunately, we can't change the weather, but we can adjust to our surroundings and better control our moods. 

I found a few tips while researching the winter blues for my employer's Wellness program. 

1.  Use a light therapy Iamp 

   • (I do recommend it. I bought a light therapy lamp from Amazon almost 1 month ago and have used it daily so far) 

2.  Add more vitamin D 

   • Add more protein to your diet 

3.  Exercise 

   • (This seems like the solution for all mental health issues) 

4.  Get outside when you can 

   • ( I know... it's cold, I don't really want to either) 

5.  Engage in psychotherapy  

   •  (For my peeps who are already in therapy, keep at it! For my peeps that aren't in therapy, try it!) 

After some research, I have planned to try something new since my winter blues are hitting hard already. I was able to purchase an elliptical (I took it out of the box but haven't put it together yet) and plan to use it to exercise. I have looked to add vitamin D and a little more protein to my diet. I have tried to get outside during my break, but that was that one time. 

I tried, though. 

This time of year is rough, so taking care of yourself is very important. Self-care is a priority and is never selfish. 

Until next time, friends! 💝 

‐Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽  

Every year since 2022, when I became the social chair of my sorority's alumnae society, I have organized a vision board-making event for my alumnae sisters. 

This is one of my favorite events and traditions for my sorority. 

National Vision Board Making Day is always celebrated on the 2nd Saturday in January. I love making vision boards because they're a fun way to organize and display one's personal goals for the year. 

Throughout the year, I try to do something new for my goals for the year to keep me motivated. I remember that using the SMART goal strategy is the best way to complete goals and feel productive. 

🧠What are SMART goals? 

SMART goals are acronyms for smart, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound goals. These factors make a goal more achievable. 

Want to learn more about SMART goals and how to apply them in your life? Check out this article: How to Set and Use SMART Goals🧠 

I also try to remember myself when I check in with my goals. I try to be mindful if I can't achieve a goal because sometimes things just don't work out. I can't control life, and that usually eases my mind a little bit more. 

For example, last year, I wanted to have at least one published piece of content online (that isn't on my personal blog), and I sent a few submissions. We'll as 2024 came to an end; I, unfortunately, did not get published. And it stinks not being able to meet the goals that I had placed, but I also try to remember that I did a lot of memorable things this year. 

Being productive and making a difference is a big part of my identity. When I don't feel that I'm meeting this (especially the way that I think I should), I feel inadequate. It doesn't matter that I have been doing "x" amount of things. 

People who know me personally will say, without a doubt, that I do A LOT. So why do I feel that I need to do more? 

This usually stems from the part of feeling that I have to do something remarkable to feel loved. 

Adding to my ✨new✨ New Year's tradition of making a vision board for the year, I decided to add the currently trending New Year's Bingo card. This is where I take a bingo card and fill out each box with something I want to do in 2025. I have things such as getting a tattoo, going to Chicago (which is already in the plan), reading three books, creating an aura painting, etc. 

I'm very excited to try the New Year's bingo, which I'm calling Thrive Bingo since Thrive is my 2025 word of the year! 

Until next time, friends! 💝  

‐Jade 

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

As someone who has advocated for mental health awareness since my late teens/early adulthood, I am learning all I can about mental health, especially my own mental health. 

I started volunteering as a crisis text line volunteer, answering messages from individuals all around the nation who were experiencing a mental health crisis. I learned about active listening, resources, and risk assessment. 

Even with how passionate I was (well, still am) about mental health education and awareness, I've never gone for Mental health first aid. 

🧠What is Mental Health First Aid (MHFA)? 

MHFA is a training program that helps participants identify, understand, and respond to mental health challenges. The program is focused on identifying mental health challenges and symptoms and offering support and resources. MHFA is NOT the same as receiving professional mental health services. 

Want to learn more about Mental Health First Aid?  

Visit: Mental Health First Aid🧠

Well, I've finally completed the training and am now Mental First Aid Certified!! 

Woo! 🥳🥳

After 6 years, but hey, it's better than never. 

The self-paced online section for the first part of the hybrid course was basically a review for me since I was a CTL volunteer and have been in mental health crisis situations where I've used the skills and techniques that were being taught. 

During the live (on Zoom) instructor-led portion of the training, I was worried that I would be a know-it-all, so I made sure to let others lead the conversations. 

Toward closer to the end of the training, We were reviewing things that should and should not be said when talking to someone who is experiencing a mental health crisis. While reviewing the examples, I felt so triggered by the saying. I felt the anger form inside of me when hearing the examples of the things not to say to someone when they are in an emotional crisis or stress. Here are some examples:  

• Have you talked to your therapist 

• Other people have it worse”: 

• “Have you tried yoga, exercising or meditation?” 

• “There are lots of people who have it much worse than you.” 

• “You wouldn’t feel this way if…” 

• “You’re just overreacting.” 

You get the picture. It's not great stuff to hear when you're in a bad mental spot. There were some more sayings on the training slides, but I completely forgot to take note of them. Words have such an impact on the mind, and in moments of mental health crisis or distress, it's important to always be caring, kind, and considerate. 

Mental Health First Aid training should be something every person should learn because it's just as important as medical first aid. Humans are complex, and we all have feelings. Training or education on how to really talk to one another, de-escalate, and truly (actively) listen to each other will lower rates of self-inflicted deaths. 

Education can be simple to learn. The mental health first aid action plan from the National Council for Mental Wellbeing has five steps that can be used in any order: 

A – Approach, assess for risk of suicide or harm 

L - Listen nonjudgmentally 

G - Give reassurance and information 

E - Encourage appropriate professional help 

E - Encourage self-help and other support strategies 

ALGEE: How MHFA Helps You Respond in Crisis and Non-crisis Situations « Mental Health First Aid 

The National Institute of Mental Health has five action steps for helping someone in emotional pain  

1. Ask 

2. Keep them safe 

3. Be There 

4. Help Them Connect 

5. Stay Connected  

5 Action Steps to Help Someone Having Thoughts of Suicide - National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) 

While talking to people who are in emotional distress can be overwhelming, these five steps can help others in need. They are far from simple but life-saving.  

I hope this inspires you to look into MHFA!  

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽 

Two symptoms of BPD are "inappropriate, intense, or uncontrollable anger—often followed by shame and guilt" and "periods of intense depressed mood, irritability, or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days. 

🧠What to learn more about BPD symptoms? 
Learn more here: https://www.nami.org/about-mental-illness/mental-health-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/ 🧠 

Sometimes, controlling my irritability can be really difficult for me. I usually see this in my romantic relationships and with my family. I sometimes see it with my friends and at work. 

Sometimes, I'll snap at others in an argument, which usually indicates shutting down and being impulsive. 

I know that in my last relationship, when we would fight, I would say some mean things to him, and there came a time when he told me that he had to tell himself that if I said something hurtful, I most likely didn't mean it. That broke my heart a little bit. I wish I could explain why I can't control it and it's impulsive, but I can't. 

I also can't excuse my actions and behaviors simply because they are impulsive, and I can't control them. People sometimes think that I try to make excuses, but I usually explain (and overly explain) why I did it. I try to take responsibility for what I've said and done, which took some time to do since taking responsibility meant admitting that I did something wrong, and that was something I grew up thinking meant that I was just simply a bad person. 

One growth I'm extremely proud of is retraining my brain to take responsibility when I see my faults or if I hurt someone. Also, if I take responsibility and admit my mistakes, that doesn't mean that I'm a bad person; it just means I made a mistake. 

Even though I have grown, I'm not done—not even close. I believe that we are all a work in progress and that we should never stop trying to be better than we were yesterday. Even with noticeable growth, I have setbacks, and that's okay. I still make mistakes and impulsively say or do things. Just the other week, I didn't control my annoyance and impulses and said things that got me in (a little bit) trouble. 

It happens. It's hard not to feel like a failure when I experience setbacks, but I'm currently working on changing that automatic negative thought. 

Until next time, friends! 💝 

‐Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽 

Oh my gosh...  

Can you believe it's already 1 year since Inside Jade's Mind was born?  

February 17, 2024, was the start of another step in my healing process. BPD has changed my life and has been hard to manage a lot of the time. This blog has helped me to talk openly about my BPD and my experiences in a way that provides a sense of resilience. In a sense, this blog is a more professional version of a diary for me.  

I never look at the blog stats, but since it's been a year, it's time to break it down.  

With Inside Jade's Mind, I post my blog content on four different sites: Padlet, WordPress, Tumblr, and my Google site. 

🎉Within the last year, I've gotten: 

370 views and 86 visitors on padlet 

163 views, 81 visitors, and 15 likes on WordPress  

I've also had views from the United States, United Kingdom, Sweden, Ireland, Australia, the Philippines, Mauritius, and Pakistan. 🎉 

Wow, this is so amazing, and I can't thank everyone enough!  

This year, I hope to spread more education, awareness, and resources to everyone who comes across my blog. My goals for this blog aren't going to change; I just want to spread awareness of BPD and show the world that we are not our negative stigmas; we are so much more.  

This year, I want to provide a resource guide and show you everything I use daily, from books, apps, workbooks, comfort items, etc.  

I'm looking forward to another year (and more) providing content about living with multiple mental health conditions, and I hope you will continue joining me on my healing and advocacy journey! 

Until next time, friends! 💝 

‐Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽 

Valentine's Day is one of those days when I never know how I'll feel by the end of the day.  

As a single woman who wants to be loved by the one she loves, seeing all the lovey-dovey posts on social media wasn't really thrilling.  

Not to mention, this year marked the 5th year since my friend died by suicide (Feb 16, 2020). So, the combination of the two of those can make it a challenging time.  

As I spent another Valentine's Day single and romantically alone, I tried to reframe my thoughts of using this time to be okay with being alone and to work on my relationship with myself. (My therapist will be so proud)  

I'm my own Valentine.  

Throughout Valentine's Day, I was doomscrolling on one of my social media platforms and saw a graphic called "other kinds of love" created by @introvertdoodles that I instantly loved. On the side of this graphic states, "You don't need to be in a romantic relationship to live a life filled with love." You better bet I was quick to share that post on multiple accounts (I have an account for my blog, personal life, and cosplays).  

I know I'm not the only one in a lower spirit in these past few days; it's simply the fact that it's Valentine's Day - the day of love. The day to remember how alone and unlovable you really are  

My wise mind says false, but my emotional mind says truth. There's always a war zone between these two in my head. Just imagine the devil and angel on a character's shoulder in those characters; yeah, that's how that is for me in my head. Instead of telling me right and wrong, it's between irrational thoughts and rational thoughts.  

🧠What's Wise Mind?  

Wise Mind is a technique in the Mindfulness Pillar of DBT. Wise Mind is the between the Emotional and Rational Mind. The term "Wise Mind" was created by the DBT founder, Marsha M. Linehan. "In wise mind, individuals are aware of their emotions, but they also consider facts, logic, and their long-term goals. Wise mind is considered to be optimal functioning and can be practiced and cultivated through mindfulness practice" (dialecticalbehaviortherapy, 2025). 

Learn more about Wise Minds: Wise Mind: DBT Skills, Worksheets, Videos, Exercises 🧠 

As I looked through this "other kinds of love" graphic, it made me feel a little less unlovable because of the different types of love around me. I have two adorable dogs who always want to be loved and petted by me and multiple servers of internet friends. All of these show me love on a daily that (I, of course, appreciate and am very thankful for) doesn't always settle in my brain as the same tier as romantic love, which is what I want the most. Being in the more "love yourself" mindset and seeing this post has made me feel a (small) step closer to complete self-love and being truly okay without having a romantic partner.  

If you are/were feeling low during this "love" holiday time, save this graphic and count all the different types of love you have. I hope this helps you (even if it's just a little bit) like it has helped me.  

Until next time, friends! 💝 

‐Jade

Within the last month, I had my six-month dental cleaning. As always, I hated every second of it. This cleaning was different than others in that I have my first cavity that needs to be filled. 27 years and not a single cavity.🤧   

Anyway, I had to get it filled. When I went to that filling appointment, I had to have my gums numbed. I won't go into the details of that because I'm not a fan of remembering either, but once the right side of my mouth was numbed, I just lay there. 

While just lying there, I was thinking about how I physically felt, and it was numb. 

Physically (well, partly), I felt like how I usually feel emotionally. One of the symptoms of BPD is the chronic feeling of emptiness, numbness, and nothing. 

When I tell people that I feel numb, empty, or nothing, they usually don't understand. Sometimes, they tell me I have to have feelings, plus it's me. An emotionally based person (which I know I am)  

It can be hard to believe, but I don't feel emotions a lot of the time. The only time that I can feel emotions is during "extremes." 

It can be hard to explain, but there's a quote from the Canadian poet Rupi Kaur (I LOVE her work);   

"I don't know what living a balanced life feels like.

When I am sad, I don't cry; I pour. 

When I am happy, I don't smile; I glow. 

When I am angry, I don't yell; I burn. 

The good thing about feeling in extremes is when I love, I give them wings, but perhaps that isn't such a good thing because they always tend to leave, and you should see me when my heart is broken;

I don't grieve; I shatter." 

- Rupi Kaur. 

Being an emotionally driven individual who has a lot of emotions (but also mostly feels empty) and who also struggles with emotional regulation is confusing and difficult. Sometimes, it's really hard for me to control a situation emotionally, and it causes me to lash out, react poorly, and lose control, and I don't like losing control. 

A way to cope with all of my trauma and overwhelming amounts of emotions that I experience is to be numb. Feeling numb and empty sometimes feels nice, and it's a huge relief. Still, it's a learned coping and defensive mechanism because continuously going through the motions and my autonomic nervous system getting worked up all the time can be exhausting. 

And it is. 

It really is. 

So that's the "why" behind my feelings of nothing or numbness. I get asked from time to time, What do I mean by that? Emotionally, I feel numb. While it's self-explanatory, it can be a complex concept for others to comprehend since it may not be something they are used to feeling. Not everyone has skills in empathy and emotional intelligence.

I can now explain the feeling you get when the dentist numbs your gums to fill a cavity or when you have to get any medical procedure done that requires numbing; that's how it feels. 

Just numb and nothing else. 

Until next time, friends! 💝 

‐Jade

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽 

Since it's the last day of March, it's looking at thunderstorms and rain this evening, as well as rain in the upcoming week (not all week, at least)…. 

I wanted to reminisce on a great memory from March to prepare me for the springtime weather that will soon be here. 

I attended a flower show in a city near mine with two close friends. I'm not familiar with this city, and neither were my friends, so starting off with the travel to the flower show was a little stressful. 

I kept thinking that I couldn't wait to be parked and not in this city traffic. 

Once we parked and walked to the flower show, we waited in line to check-in, and I was very excited to see the exhibits. 

As we walked into the expo center floor, I was in awe of how beautiful it looked! 

The first thing we did was stop to take pictures and selfies (no surprise there, right?). 

As we made our way through the floral art exhibits, there was just a sea of people. Crowds like that make me a bit anxious. Even as someone always at comic or anime cons, I'm not a big fan of being around large groups. 

I saw such amazing art exhibits, and I was just in awe of the creativity that was put into these exhibits. I was lucky enough to snap a few photos of some exhibits on my phone, but I could not see all of them. As I was walking, I would view the lines and the mini crowds in front of some exhibits and try to look for a way in and out. So I would find myself walking past and just wanting to get out of the congestion area. So we breezed through the exhibits faster than I thought we spent there. 

Looking back, I wasn't very mindful since all my mind was thinking about was getting away from big crowds. Remembering trying to be mindful while at this flower show's art exhibit, I remember rushing myself and trying to "see" it but not really "seeing" it. I would look at the exhibit for a few seconds and move on because of the number of people. 

I failed to practice mindfulness that day, but I am not beating myself up about it because sometimes I can't always be mindful. I was slightly anxious, so that's another reason I'm not beating myself up about it. 

Mindfulness is an important aspect of DBT, and every time my therapist discusses practicing mindfulness, my automatic Randy Jackson response is, "That's a no from me, dawg." I tell him mindfulness has always been a struggle for me, as my brain is always busy thinking of x, y, and z. As an individual who has high-functioning depression/anxiety/BPD, I push myself to be very involved, which causes a continuous to-do list, which helps me not focus on being emotional. Still, it makes it extremely hard for me to be mindful. 

While talking with my therapist, I told him that I really want to improve my mindfulness and mentioned that I plan to start going to yoga classes. I think he was all about that decision and told me that he thought that was a wonderful idea. 

So, my friends, wish me luck on the start of this mindfulness journey and on not being too sore from yoga (because it's A LOT harder than it looks, but it's really great for one's wellness).  

Until next time, friends! 💝 

‐Jade

P.S. I am sore from Yoga and Barre 

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

Let's get our live, love, love hung up for this post. 

A few weekends ago, I attended a comic con with my cosplay friends (cosfam), and I sometimes forget how much fun I have with them. I forget how extremely grateful I am that I have this group of pure weirdos who are just like me. I only have these types of groups in my life every so often. I've also been blessed to have found another few communities (who are pretty intertwined with each other) with which I can feel completely myself. 

As someone who struggles with BPD, self-identity, and self-image issues on top of being high-functioning but very open about having BPD, it can be a double-edged sword. Being able to be open and honest about my BPD helps educate others on BPD, but I am more prone to the stigma (and being looked at poorly and judged) for having BPD. In my teen years, when I was having general mental health condition symptoms, I remember my parents telling me that they didn't want me to have a "label" of a mental health condition because it follows someone around for the rest of their life. At that age, I understood very little where they were coming from, and while I don't ever regret getting the diagnosis and label because I have this diagnosis, I can get the help that I need, and I can understand what they were trying to protect me from. 

While I don't experience too much negative stigma, it hurts a lot more when I do. A lot of the time, I am the most critical of myself, and I am enough of a critic that I don't need anyone else adding to that. As someone who shares their story and experience, I am more of a 'target" that causes me to experience "hiding behind a mask." Being high-functioning alone is a big mask that I hold because I feel that if I show any weakness, people will be critical and lose hope in themselves and me. I know I have a job that deals with other people, and I am present in the workplace with their team. My mask shapeshifts into a different "sub-identity" depending on the group I'm in, and since I'm very involved with the community, it can change so much. 

Putting myself in this position doesn't help with my struggle with self-image. However, having communities that I do have makes me feel a sense of pure joy that I feel like I never feel in my life (until I feel it again). Over the weekend, with my cosfam, I would act silly and not worry about being "too much" or "over-the-top" or being slightly judged about my hobbies. It's such a relief. A huge breath of fresh air that reminds me that I'm loved for who I truly am. 

Now, I'm not saying that I fake any part of myself or alter myself; that's not what I do with this symptom of BPD (I, unfortunately, cannot speak for everyone in the BPD community because our symptoms affect us very differently). I have always been myself, but I have these "sub-identities" that will take control over others. For example, if I'm at a young professional group at a networking fundraising mixer, I won't talk about my current anime crush or cosplay that I'm planning. So these "sub-identities" are parts of me that I have to hush down or hide because they are considered "too much" for the social group that I am physically in at the moment. 

Self-identity has always been a massive puzzle for me, even in my late 20s. While I'm still figuring myself out, I also have to unlearn unhealthy behaviors that I had to learn to have my needs met and figure out healthy coping skills that work best for me. It's a lot to handle, and it's far from easy. 

And while I'm struggling with all the internal struggles for many different symptoms of my BPD, Depression, Anxiety, etc., from time to time, I remember that I have multiple people who love, care, and accept me for who I am. Even with BPD, I don't have to hide any part of me. It warms my heart, and it means the world to me. Having people like this in my life makes me live, laugh, and love more than just a cheesy statement. 

A little tip here: Find those people who make you "Live, Laugh, Love," and just tell them how much they mean to you and that you appreciate them. Hold them close and make all the memories with them. Live in these moments, laugh so much your sides hurt, and love each second of it (oh my gosh, this is SUPER cheese-y).  

Until next time, friends 

Well, I mean, it's still really cheesy.

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade

👋🏽 Hello Friends!👋🏽 

July is Disability Pride Month!

Growing up, I always thought that disabilities were physical conditions that affected the individual's daily life significantly. Of course, as I grew older, I realized that disability is a larger range than I thought.

I remember looking in a colleague's office, where a "Disability Pride Month" activity poster was hanging up. I read the Disability Pride Flag colors out loud, pointed at the one part of the flag, and said, "Oh hey, that's me!"

This activity flyer also broke down the meaning of the colors in the Disability Pride Flag, which I thought was the coolest thing ever. 

For those who don't know, here is the meaning of the colors in the Disability Pride Flag:  

Created by Ann Magill in 2019—

"Each color stripe has a meaning:

• Red—physical disabilities 

• Gold—neurodiversity 

• White—invisible disabilities and disabilities that haven't yet been diagnosed 

• Blue—emotional and psychiatric disabilities, including mental illness, anxiety, and depression 

• Green—for sensory disabilities, including deafness, blindness, lack of smell, lack of taste, auditory processing disorder, and all other sensory disabilities 

The faded black background mourns and rages for victims of ableist violence and abuse. The diagonal band cuts across the walls and barriers that separate the disabled from normative society, also representing light and creativity cutting through the darkness."

- History of the Disability Pride Flag | Weinberg Family Cerebral Palsy Center 

📖 

Want to learn more about the Disability Pride Flag? Visit these resources:  

The ADA and Disability Pride | Institute on Disability 

Disability Pride Flag - Bridgewell 📖 

It wasn't until I was 25 that I realized that my mental health could be used as a disability. I mean, I know that people have used their mental health condition for disability, but because I know that I'm high-functioning, I don't qualify as having a disability. Therefore, I don't need accommodations.

Oh, how wrong could I have been?

When I first started graduate school, I knew what kind of student I always was. I'm a procrastinator; I'm a hard worker, but I'm also very lazy. I learn quickly, but I excel even more with a hands-on learning style. I realized that I could utilize accommodations for graduate school, and at the same time, I realized that I could also use them for my workplace.

This marked my first time going through an accommodation process for school or work. When I first started my current job and graduate school, I worked with my ex-boyfriend, who has ADD, and utilized accommodations while he was in school. We would have discussions about his accommodations and how it would help me, but by the time I was out of (undergraduate-level) school. It's not like I could go back in time and share this helpful information with myself now. I did, however, apply this knowledge in my graduate studies, and I can't tell you how much that helped me succeed. I honestly don't know how I could've passed without the accommodations. I'm not a bad student or incompetent; I'm not even close. I just need extra support to get there. 

Which is COMPLETELY okay.

This is something that I openly share with college students that I see when I meet with them in my place of work. The sense of hope that I can give back to students to let them know that they can accomplish school with their disabilities or conditions is always the best feeling that I can ever get.

I know what it's like to be in that space and not realize that I had help to reach out to. I will do everything in my power, given my position and resources, to ensure that no one I come across feels that way. That's one thing I love about my job. Mostly, I get to see these students before they are too far in their academic journey and talk with them about their resources. To help encourage them to use resources and to finish school.

Since having a disability is already so challenging, we can find ways to make our lives a little bit easier in the way we work. Know your rights as a tenant, employee, student, etc., by learning more about the Americans with Disability Act (ADA). I would also utilize accommodations and other tools of success (i.e., time management, productivity timer, etc.) to help you with your day-to-day practices. These tools can be worksheets or apps (I have a ton of self-care and productivity apps).

I would also recommend reaching out to others with the same condition as you to see how they handle some things and what has worked best for them for inspiration. In general, being in a support group is something I would recommend to anyone with any physical or mental condition. Being around others who can understand what you go through can be very comforting and healing (but I'll talk about that later 😉).

Until next time, friends! 💝 

‐Jade 

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

As many others throughout the world who have Netflix (well, I didn't until I watched to have a watch party for KPDH after watching it at a friend's house), I quickly became obsessed with K-pop Demon Hunter (KPDH).

Side note, I do strongly dislike the adjective "obsessed" because of the negative stigma around being considered obsessed in today's day and age.

Not only is the animation superb, but the music is a true banger, and the characters are completely relatable. Please note that this post might have some spoilers. 

Like many others, I know I relate so much to Zoey for multiple reasons. I am also biracial, being half Puerto Rican and half Filipino. I am quirky and upbeat like Zoey. The biggest connection that I have with Zoey is when she believes that she's "too much but never enough."

This is a core belief that I have with my BPD (all my emotions), and yet, no matter how hard I try, everyone leaves (never being good enough).

One lyric that Zoey sings in Golden is "I lived two sides, trying to paint both sides, but I couldn't find my own place."

I struggle so much with having my place due to being afraid of my faults, personality, and emotions (basically my BPD). Growing up, I had many different friend groups, but I rarely got close to people because I was afraid. I've had many masks (which I don't believe my masks faked anything but just selected parts of my personality to meet the needs of the group), and it would constantly change depending on who I was around. I was barely ever my full self when I didn't have to wear a mask.

Mira is the one Huntr/x member that I relate to the least, but still love. She is considered the "problem child" in her family, and I can say that I perceived myself as the "problem child," whether or not it was true. 

In "What It Sounds Like," she sings how she should've let the "jagged edges meet the light instead."

And growing up, I held so much of my personality, my energy levels, and my emotions because I was always viewed as "too much" or "too depressed." I hid all of these away to avoid people not wanting to be around me.

Rumi, my girl. Being born half demon and half demon hunter, she wants the demon part of herself gone because of how she was taught that demons are all bad and shouldn't exist.

Being born with any condition, whether it be mental, physical, or intellectual, can be seen as this "demon" part of Rumi's character. Rumi can't help that she was born this way, just like we can't help or change that we were born with these conditions.

Rumi hides her patterns until they spread to her throat (her voice). For me, this is like my emotions and part of who I am, as I mentioned to Mira. But one thing I felt completely was when Rumi couldn't hide her demon patterns, and after a while, it was wearing her down. When she got too scared of her loved ones (Zoey and Mira) seeing her patterns and leaving (and probably trying to eliminate) her, you see her demon powers.

When Mira and Zoey find out about Rumi's patterns, the way they look at her breaks me because I've seen that look (and that's my GIRL). Rumi's fear became reality. She was so scared. And when my BPD episodes happen, especially the more extreme ones, I've seen that look from many people. One thing I hate being seen as is a "monster," and just like Rumi, I try to avoid that as much as possible.

Jinu, our favorite demon K-pop boy band leader, made the mistake of making a deal with the demon king, Gwi-Ma, to get him out of his poverty and "miserable" life. This deal cost him his family and soul. He was constantly reminded of abandoning his family, and he just wanted that gone. As many of us continually remember how badly we've hurt our loved ones, we can relate so much to Jinu. Jinu is more than his mistakes, and it wasn't until Rumi showed him this that he believed it.

I know when I've exploded on others during BPD episodes (which is an explanation, NEVER an excuse), I've hurt them a lot, and I hold on to that pain deep down. I've made many mistakes, and I've hurt many people. But these mistakes are not and never will be the only parts of me that define who I am. I am more than my mistakes, and so are you. Making mistakes is a part of life, but the most important thing is to learn from our mistakes.

If you haven't watched KPDH, you are missing out on a fantastic movie (okay, I'm slightly biased, but it really is a great movie). It's even appropriate for the kiddos!

Thanks for letting me nerd out about KPDH!

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade

It's been a few months. I took a long hiatus while completing my master's and associate's degrees.

Man, it was so much writing; I was pretty burnt out.

Want to know something kinda cool? I created a wellness podcast while I was gone and started streaming on Twitch. If you didn't know, streaming takes a lot of effort, but it's a fun hobby. The podcast was for my associate's degree capstone, so it only has 3 episodes, and I haven't decided whether I want to continue with it.

I want to continue, but I don't at the same time. I feel like since I don't have any classes this summer (and possibly in the fall), I will be really bored and keep piling on more responsibilities.

Keeping busy is a quick and easy way to ignore trauma and hard feelings. I know I'm not the only one who copes this way, but it stresses me out so much that I get completely burnt out, as I did.

Burnout isn't fun.

I know I shouldn't have let myself get to the point where I had given up hobbies and volunteering I loved, but I had no other choice.

During the last (almost) year, I barely had any energy to do anything but work. And now, with streaming, I am feeling the same way with little to no energy, but streaming fatigue is another story for another day.

They say that burnout is avoidable, but honestly, everyone feels burnout. It's normal, but it also shouldn't be normal, if that makes sense.

I know, it probably doesn't, but hear me out.

Being burnt out is already common, and there have been initiatives to educate about stress, work-life balance, and burnout. But let's be real: just because there are initiatives to educate on work/life balance does not mean things are changing to accommodate it.

Work will still be there. Exhaustion will still be there. Society and the economy will still be there. We can't escape that.

All we can really do is try our best to engage in activities that help us relax and have fun.

Now, this doesn't sound too positive or motivating, but it's the truth.

As individuals, we need to figure out what works best for us. How can we make the best out of our limited time outside of life's responsibilities?

How do we ensure we don't burn out?

Well, I can't answer that for you, and even I'm still figuring that out. I know that playing video games and watching anime has helped me find little joys in life. Having social support has also helped. There are many ways to cope with stress and burnout; it's similar to how we use coping skills when we are in a funk or in an episode. Hobbies also help a lot because these are activities that are loved and enjoyed.

📖 Want to learn more about Burnout and how to manage stress to "avoid burnout"? Visit these resources:  

Burnout: Symptoms, Treatment, and Coping Strategy Tips

How to Manage Stress at Work 📖

But when I find the magic recipe for curing burnout and obtaining work/life balance, I will absolutely make sure to tell you all!

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade

👋🏽 Hello Friends! 👋🏽

As June comes to an end, I want to write about a special topic for me: men's mental health awareness.

Well, all mental health awareness is a special topic to me, and June is Men's Mental Health Awareness Month.

Men's mental health awareness and advocacy have always been causes I have fought for and talked strongly about.

Why?

For too long, society has been telling men that they can't have feelings or cry. Which is ridiculous, and I've had enough of it.

While I don't hear these sayings much anymore, I know it's still embedded in men's minds. From society to upbringing to social media to general media.

I truly don't care if this has "always" been a thing; that doesn't mean it should continue to be a thing.

I talked a little bit about this in a previous blog post about toxic masculinity (which is linked), but I'm going to reshare the statistics that I posted in this previous blog post:

" Suicide rate among males in 2021 was around four times higher than the suicide rate among females and made up almost 80% of all suicides (Healthline & CDC)  

Nearly 1 in 10 men experiences some form of depression or anxiety, but less than half seek treatment (Wisemind)"

And all I ask is why. Why are we still having the same toxic masculinity mindset that men can't have feelings and that they can't be sensitive and cry?

We have knowledge and power at our fingertips, and we should be using these abilities to spread kindness and education on mental health, regardless of an individual's sex, gender identification, race, religion, sexuality, political views, etc.

I hope this blog post inspires others to show up for the men in their lives, tell them their feelings matter, and let them know there is support when they need it.

It's seriously not that hard to just tell people that they matter, that they are validated, that they are important, and most importantly, that they are not alone.

Recently, I was in a streamer friend's chat and server, where we talked about men's mental health awareness. It made me so happy to see the support the community showed for men and their mental health. I, of course, shared my thoughts and encouragement. It made me happy to see how well-received what I said was, and I felt that my message (along with others in the chat) really resonated with many male community members.

This is how it should be. This is how we grow and get better as a society. This is how we break stigmas and collectively improve mental health awareness in our communities.

Let's continue this support and love for men's mental health throughout the year and not just in June. Because men's mental health (just like everyone's) matters 24/7, 365 days a year.

📖 Want to learn more about men’s mental health and where to find support? Visit these resources:  

Men's Mental Health and Suicide Prevention | HeadsUpGuys

Men's Mental Heatlth Resources

Are there mental health resources and support specifically for men? - NAMI HelpLine 📖 

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade