Many of my friends felt the same. But they, unlike I, wanted to have a chance to fight the rebels. The group of my five closest friends all decided to enlist together. Jim, kind of like our leader, tried to convince me to come as well. He said that this was the way to become a true Patriot--fight for our country. 

All the other boys of town and the neighboring farms decided to do the same. Most of them have fathers to take care of their farms while they’re away. I told Jim that I couldn’t leave my mother and my sisters; whatever would they do without me? But they are capable. I knew that this was not the truth. I did not wish to admit to Jim that I was terrified of war. 

I can only hope that the war is not too rough on their souls. For if it comes to the choice between having to kill to save your own life, or you yourself dying, I do not know what would be the desirable option. 

Just another ordinary day at the farm today. I saw a couple of others go to enlist during my time in town gathering supplies, but not a word from my friends. I do not know what has become of them, but I can only hope that they will return home soon.

Letters came in today.

We were all anxious, to hear about the rush and excitement of the war. Families who had not heard from their children in weeks were pushing for the front of the line. Fathers, brothers, husbands--letters from people of all relations came flooding in. Everyone wanted to hear words about the war.

It was so much worse than I ever could have expected.

Tom’s mother, when she read his letter, burst out into tears. She was crying so hard, we couldn’t understand what she was saying. We had to take the letter from her to read it, and we were horrified by its vivid descriptions. About the terror of death lurking around the corner of the dawning day, the boredom, the starvation. Other letters told the horrors of taking a life. It is a fate I would never wish on someone. It is truly a nightmare. I cannot imagine my best friend--funny, witty, interesting Tom--ever having to go through something like this.

I am now more than ever glad that I declined the offer to sign up.

Guilt sets in.

Every day now, I go to bed with a heavy heart thinking maybe if I’d have worked better, harder, to prevent my friends from enlisting, all would be well. I try to think happy things, like how at least I am here to stay behind, at least I do not have to share their fate. But these thoughts only make me feel selfish and worse about myself. I do not know what I should do. What can I? I move through the tiresome field chores, barely even thinking anymore. 

I awoke to the sound of Marissa crying. It is Sunday, and we do not work on this day; not as much, at least. Our family does not go to church, so it is mostly a sleep-in day. But Marissa, she had awoked early to go see her boyfriend, Bryan, only for him to break the news that he would be leaving.

Yet another war victim. When will it end? And he’s left Marissa and his family affected, too. I could never imagine leaving my family. She came to me, and made me promise that I would never, ever do such a thing. She said, "Imagine how Lizzy would be if you were to leave. It would destroy her. You know you are the light of her life, of all of ours, and we can't do without you." I had often heard my sisters talk about me and how I was funny, and nice, and great around the house and the farm, how lucky they were to have me. But I never realized how serious they were about that until now.
So I promised. What else was I supposed to do?

It has started.

The draft, taking victims left and right. Today little David, barely eighteen, was informed that he had been drafted and must now serve in the Union army, leaving his family behind. His mother, his father and his ten-year-old brother. I don't know how they'll survive. I don't know how any of us survive.


I leave today.