Bright Ideas - Essay Draft Feedback by Eboney Butler https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18 EBU en-us 2017-09-10 23:25:44 UTC 2025-11-21 04:25:00 UTC hello@padlet.com https://padlet-assets.s3.amazonaws.com/icons/Lightdecrease.png Please insert group draft feedback on Essay Example Two here. ebutler10 https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/271941731 Get ready to taste the chocolate.... ]]> 2018-08-04 09:24:09 UTC https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/271941731 Charis’ Group https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272128851 Introduction
I like the neutral sentence because it entices you and makes you want to read more.

I wonder if they could make it less wordy, although it sounds discerning you can get easily lost in the words and confused. 
 

Next steps should be to re-read the paragraph and eliminate unnecessary words.

Body paragraphs
I like the choice of words and information and the punctuation used

I wander if they could use more evidence in the 2nd paragraph as there is in the 3rd paragraph.

Next steps would be to find more evidence for paragraph 2 and to maybe check that there are three body paragraphs as at the moment there are only 2

Conclusion
I like the vocabulary used in the conclusion aswell as the excellent conclusion structure as it restates points and has a powerful ending sentence

I wander if they could have made a better starting sentence to the conclusion, however the paragraph is really good just the starting conclusion paragraph could use some work

]]> 2018-08-06 23:16:32 UTC https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272128851 Chloe M, Skye, Emma, Jai and Hamish - Group 8 010497 https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272128968 No, I wonder if the author could take away a few sentences so that he can be following the four sentence structure.

Yes, but I wonder if they could have at least three body paragraphs instead of two so that they can include more evidence and break it up.

Yes, I like how they have clear topics sentences that flow and explain the paragraph and engages the audience.

Yes, I like how they include evidence from the text and elaborate on the quotes effectively. 

Yes, I wonder if they could include more indirect quotes because they already have a sufficient amount or direct quotes.

Yes, I like how the writer has undertaken key points of analysis and sustained them effectively to a very high standard.

Yes, the author shows discernment through their choice of vocabulary in the points of analysis as it uses more advanced and higher standard level of words.

Yes, I like how the body paragraphs have got very clear and insightful linking sentences.

No, I wonder if they could follow the structure more Efficiently because there are 9 sentences instead of 4 which might mean that they added unwanted information.

Yes, but there are some areas of past tense. I wonder if they can keep the Essay to one tense only.

I like how the author has used a variety of compound, complex and simple sentences. The majority are longer sentences so I wonder if they could add w start sentences and other more unique sentences to add more variety.

Yes, they used formal and academic language effectively and I like how they have kept the formal and academic language flowing throughout the text.

Yes, the essay is cohesive throughout using cohesive phrases to link ideas together in one sentence. The linking sentences link well to the next paragraph and back to the topic and thesis. ]]> 2018-08-06 23:18:07 UTC https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272128968 GROUP 11 - JOSHUA, SEBASTIAN, SOPHIA, TAHLIA, 010089 https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129071 The neutral sentence is beautifully written, clear, and succinct.
The description throughout the essay has given us an understanding of Romeo and Juliet and their relation to love. There are some quotes within this essay, giving more evidence to extend the writer’s point. The description and vocabulary within the body paragraphs is very complex and evidential. Each topic sentence is clear, well-written, and provides a nice introduction to each body paragraph. However, we wonder if there could have been more quotes, in order to bring more evidence to the essay. We believe that it was at points, too poetic, making it quite difficult for us to understand what the writer was trying to say. Next steps could be that the purpose of each sentence was more distinct, as it was hard to find the thesis statement.
]]> 2018-08-06 23:18:49 UTC https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129071 Group 5 - Sophie G, Jamie, Lusia, Elliot, Ivan 010041 https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129131 I Like 
- The Vobulary 
- Flows Well 
- Literary present tense

I Wonder 
- the introduction is very wordy
- Very biased 
 - Add another point/subpoint 
- Every Paragraph started with the Same idea or context 
- the conclusion is too wordy 
- conclusion is not powerful enough 
- uses the word ‘love’ (maybe find synonyms) 

]]> 2018-08-06 23:19:36 UTC https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129131 Group 4:Brianna, Luc, Lachlan, Brooke, Matthew, Yoon Seo 0103691 https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129196 Likes:
Every single paragraph is about the topic, that love is irrational
Every body paragraph provides adequate information relating to the topic and always links to the next paragraph

Wonder:
More brief and simple
Every paragraph starts with the same phrase, love. Repetitive and could be more varied 
Extend the knowledge of vocabulary 
Run on sentences, need to edit them out


]]> 2018-08-06 23:20:32 UTC https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129196 Group 10 - Luke J, Samuel S, Fernando N, Sophie C, Emma-Lee T. 010374 https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129197 I like:
  • The discerning use of vocabulary that conveys theme of love revealed in the essay
  •  How he followed the TEEL structure in all the body paragraphs.
  • How the topic sentences clearly explain the topic of each paragraph and support the thesis.
I wonder:
  • If he could have included more quotes from the book.
  • If he could have used different wording at the start of each body paragraph
]]> 2018-08-06 23:20:33 UTC https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129197 Group 1 - Geon, Samuel, David, Aimee, Nikayla 010471 https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129385 Likes:
I like how they used strong vocabulary 
Punctuated correctly
Neutral Sentence/Hook used nicely. Engages the audience
Embedded quotes 

Wonders:
Repetition 
Very Wordy
If more quotes could be used in the first body paragraph

Next Step:
Reread the text aloud and get rid of unnecessary words

]]> 2018-08-06 23:22:26 UTC https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129385 Group 3 - Olivia, Paul, Arshan, Youna, and Eugeny https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129625 Likes:
- Use of vocabulary 
- Cohesion
- Embedding quotes
- Each paragraph has a clear topic

Wonders:
- Use 3 supporting paragraphs instead of 2
-]]> 2018-08-06 23:25:01 UTC https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129625 Group 7: Mia, Lauren, Toulla, Michael, Kyzac 010203 https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129919 Likes:
- I like the neutral sentence because it very attention grabbing and engaging to the reader  
- l like the topic sentence because it makes it very clear from the start for the reader on what the authors idea is
- I like how they stuck to the TEEL structure 
-you can see the the cohesion throughout the essay which allows it to flow
Wonders:
- Although the text is discerning the word choices at times makes the text too descriptive and not enough
- The thesis statement is a little lengthy and could be shortened down by removing unnecessary words
- I wonder if the language is a little too descriptive 
- maybe they could add more independent quotes 
- ]]> 2018-08-06 23:28:00 UTC https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272129919 Group 2 0103491 https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272130003 Likes: 
The discerning vocabulary 
The language and formal tone
I wonder:
Could you have made the arguments stronger 
Make the link relate to the topic sentence more 
Could you have used more well selected quotes
More direct references ]]> 2018-08-06 23:28:45 UTC https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272130003 009311 https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272130108 Group  six
Charlie, George, chiu, kyron, Kayla
]]> 2018-08-06 23:30:12 UTC https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272130108 009311 https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272130249 2018-08-06 23:31:46 UTC https://padlet.com/ebutler10/8ABclassfeedback18/wish/272130249