I fear these days that my mind is less of a focused beam of light n more of a frantic, beautiful chaos.

For those of us constantly chasing the glow up, I feel that the shame around this ~insanity~ is too real smh... we’ve been fed this idea and maybe to some extent we believe that our life should be this continuous, effortless stream of joy, love n good vibrations all the time n that we should be ambitious n motivated always appreciating the here & now and “enthusiastically” working towards our desires n if ur not actively doing this then theres something really wrong with u <I hate this analogy> 😡 But let's be so fr >> that expectation is clearly a big fat lie and an unrealistic mentality standard!! n sometimes the universe n our nervous systems are screaming at us to just "TAKE A FUCKING BREAK” And what do we do? we fight it, we fight the wall, we fight the fatigue, the brain fog, the pure unadulterated feeling of 😑> meh

we literally bare knuckle box our way through the wall resisting all surrender. BUT right now i’ve entered a portal of learning to stop fighting that surrender, and thats when the unexpected discovery came to me n its that sometimes, you just gotta go a little bit insane n have that menty b that’s been surfacing cause that’s really when the magic happens fr 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️ and look, i know it sounds crazy maybe more so to the neurotypical but hear me out ~ it’s in that moment once you’ve fully leaned into your chaos, and you’ve acknowledged the pressure, dropped the perfectionism and just allowed yourself to b whatever it is you need to b in that moment that’s when everything snaps back into perspective 4u. It’s like a reset button fr cause then.. suddenly you remember how lit everything actually is n the intense singular focus returns n order is FINALY restored 🙏🏾

: : :

~listen i don’t make the rules but i’m learning to trust this unpredictable, emotional ecosystem inside me. The real assignment isn't the paper it’s finding the perfect balance within all these emotions just so i can sit down and open my laptop like how fucking silly is that?

My motivation doesn't flow like everyone else’s it’s a stubborn, tiny shard that I have to pull out of the dirt with a pair of tweezers ahha

& that struggle is soooooooo exhausting fr

n i constantly feel at war with myself just to start a simple paragraph, n i often do wonder if neurotypical people experience the same type of struggle as someone with a neurodivergent brain? Anyway….. once that fragile slither of motivation comes out i have to capitalise on it A$AP cause when that small window of clarity opens i then seem to enter this hyper focused trance like state n nerd out for hours. i put on a good playlist and completely zone out 🌀 n its really cool because it feels like im in a time warp, i go from 0 to 100 doing what should be a whole day's work in an extremely focused dream like state and i can whack that out in about 2-3 hours & i find it genuinely sooo crazy what our minds are capable of n what a brief, intense burst of energy can do. n it really feels like i took a load of uppers (but no, I’m sober) I guess what I'm trying to say is I've learned or at least I’m learning to accept the nature of my flow cause it's the core of who i really am. But for now i’ll take the frantic, messy brilliance of a hyper focus sprint after a beautiful moment of complete madness.

It’s not sane obviously, but it works.

And maybe in the end it's better?

who fucking knows really 😭🤣