bisa aja, kamu mendapatkannya karena kamu memang berhak dapet itu. karena usaha yang kamu lakuin akhirnya ngasih kamu kesempatan untuk mendapat yang kamu mau.

tapi, bisa aja, kamu gak dapet itu karena usaha yang kamu kasih harusnya ngasih hasil yang lebih daripada yang kamu kira kamu bakal butuh.

there always plenty possibilities, and whichever one it is, I'm sure it will be the best for you. you already did your best, don't you? i kinda wish i could do something to help you, but well, things happens.

kakak keren cekayiiiii, kakak selalu rajin belajar, kakak selalu tau prioritas. kakak, even i'm not around, i hope you know that i always pray for good things in your life. I'll see you around, in another scenario <3

when was the last time you kiss me without i need to beg? when was the last time you say i love you without i need to say it first? when was the last time you really had a time and put an attention to me without i desperately ask you for it? when was the last time you say you love me, even when i already ask you...

It's been on my mind for the past weeks, aku tau dan sadar kok kalo kita bener bener gak cocok, but i always give it a try. and im not a coward who leave things unfinished (NOT LIKE YOU WERE THE COWARD ONE, ITS JUST MY PREFERENCEEE KAKAAAAK JANGAN TERSINGGUUUUNG :<)

i care a lot about you, i let you use me as your safety net. but, when was it my times? sometimes i just need someone that could make me feel safe. feel safe to convey my feeling without feel like i'm desperate. kak, aku juga mau disayang sayang. aku mau ngerasa 'aman' waktu lagi bucin, aku mau ngerasa nyaman waktu lagi seductively flirt on you, aku juga mau dicari dan di sayang duluan kak. aku mau feel adored, feel like i was precious.

maaf ya kalo aku banyak mintaaa, it's just lately i don't feel loved, i don't even feel adored. it's sickening and i cant do anything cause i'm the one who choose to let it happen. Kaya, kan aku yang biarin kakak hitting onme again, meskipun end up you ignored me, sih, BUT IT'S STILL ME #KOMPETITIF HAHAHAHA, so, none to blame here except my self.

sometimes i feel like, i lost many opportunities to show how much i cherish you, just because im too 'avoidant', not that avoidant that would leave you hanging, the type of avoidant who think world rules the way i want it.

I wish i sent you more flower, tulips, lavender, rose, or even sunflower. I hope you could see how much editan alay i would make in my capcut HAHAHAA, i hope you could see me #foldememe1waktukangen and my #foldermeme2waktulucu.

I lost that opportunity, but i hope you don't do the same thing, to your next lover. live your life the fullest, yaaa, kakak?

Kakak, i totally get it kalo emang kakak decide to just end this toxic cycle between us, but the least thing you could do, you could say a word, you could say something, no need to explain it, just say something.

I kinda hope you would see me like how I see you, so you wouldn't have the nerve to do this to me. I cherish you a lot, I would never make you feel like you less important.

Tapi, aku enggak nyalahin kakak sama sekali kok. People grow, the way people change their mind, their feelings, its a sign that they already grow.

also, i know everyone had their way to convey love. kakak, maybe the way I convey my affection makes you feel burdened and uncomfortable. and I'm sorry for that. but believe me, I never thought of being ‘mean’ or annoying.

Kakak, be gentle next time you choose to make a move to someone. What you do to me is unforgiveable, it evil and heartless, I can't even imagine that there would be someone who do that. But that doesn't mean you can't change. Kakak, i know you will change, but forever is takes too long to wait.

finally, i already find my peace and know my worth, even after the worst failed talking stage we been through. what ever happen, i'll take your silence as a closure.

since this would be the last time we talked, I'll give you little secret:

1. If you feel lack of focused, or feel like math kinda hard: do make a tea, drink some tea, and drink a lot of water that containt oxygen! also, mam coklat atau pisaaaang, berlaku juga kalau kakak deg-degan waktu mau tes :o hohohoho, kalau kakak kesusahan belajar matematika, pakai channel mathcyber and mathlab on youtube! it will help a looooot.

2. If you can't sleep at night :< kalo kakak susah tidur, coba beli obat tidur (I use lelap but its not really good) dan bisa coba melatonin! it's like suplemen? also, jaga asupan vitamin b kakak tetpa terjaga, it will fix your sleep routine and apa yah lifting mood (?) ALSOOOOOOOO DENGAAAR LAGU OR SLEEP INSTRUMENTAAAAL, aku pakai better sleep.

3. If you already keterima di UB: it will be a long list, but i'll make it simple okay, MAKAN SOTOOOO CRISPYYYYYY DI KANTIN FPIK KAK, ITS VVVVV RECOMMENDED. makan mie bakar (kekasihku), aku lebih suka mie bakar celaket :D tapi yang lain sama enaknya kok, MAKAN JUGAAAA SAMBAL GAMI DEKET STASIUN ITS GOOOOOOD!!!! lalu, makan hot cwie mie yang mangkoknya bisa dimakan itu hahahaha. and for dessert, mam es teler talun, itu murah dan enaaak sekali. atau beli luuca, itu es krim, lebih mahal dikit daripada mixue, tapi lebih murah dari soursally dan SANGAT ENAAAK! oh ya, mam mie ayam nina rasa juga kakak, sama coba soto sate CL :p

4. If you bored and dont know what to watch, aku a big fans of horror movies, name one i would already know the plot (SOMBONGBGTHAHAHAHA) but, kakak coba tonton beberapa series or drakor or drathai yang aku kasih, siapa tau bisa ngisi waktu luaaaang. WATCH MODERN FAMILY ( A MUST) bener bener LUCUUU, top notch comedy damn. liat juga two broke girl, rada jorok sih tapi lucuuu. LIAT BLACKLIST AND THE GIFTED PLEASE!!!!! dan tentu sajaaa stranger things my love <\\\3 kalau film horror, i would say my favorite is still the babadook, the grudge, and, ju-on series! kalau indonesia, its's joko anwar's and also monty tiwa's! hehehehe

5. If you don't know what to eat, beli la fonte sauce and spageti kakak, itu cepat, murah, banyak dan ngenyangin. ATAU BELI BIHUNKUUUUU, biar porsinya dikit itu rendah kaloriiii (tapi tinggi natrium sih), kalo mieeeee, aku belakangan lagi suka tori kara, pedes tapi ENAKKK, MIRIP KAYA RAMEN BETULAN. you need to try it okay okay?

6. If you feel bad for what you do to me, just don't. things happen, and i'm not blame you for whatever happen between us.