I don’t mourn ether

Play the last episode ever of a series I hoped would make it

But play “when the fat girl becomes skinny”

I will cry

Cry over a poem that not made for people like me but it hits home for me

My mother fat shaming me when I “binge eat” I can’t help it

But I’m severely underweight

Saying “stop binge eating” but that makes me stop eating because she made me lose my appetite

Because she makes me FEEL fat when I’m not

I know I’m not fat but she makes me FAT

It’s to the point where I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship and my mother is my abuser

It is abusive though my father doesn’t see it my sister doesn’t see it BUT I see it

I see everything

I notice everything

I see things that no one else does

I pick up on small details

Thinking back on my childhood is painful when you forgot most of it

But I remember the constant arguments between my parents when they thought I was sleeping

The way my father use to drink,

Luckily he doesn’t anymore because I’m scared that this mental abuse could of been worse

But he still does it not because he means to but because has the education to

I am from the seemingly quite home

Witch makes me feel like my parents are at odds

I’m from jews and christians

from dad and mum who was barely in my childhood

I’m from hate and arguments

I’m from disappointments and embarrassment and I raise above it all

I’m from camping

I’m from chicago

Zadie who pasted in 2019

Ice cream that bring me comfort when no one else can

I’m from hate, embarrassments, disappointment, nothing, arguments, retried alcoholics

But I still raise above it all

All the hate, that brings me down sometimes.

I still have my head raised to what’s ahead

I feel stupid for loving you

Fuck

I knew you were out of my league

Fuck

I wanted to get to know you better so I can fully decide what I feel for you

Fuck

Now I feel ugly for liking you

Fuck

Feel like I’m worthless like a lost child

Fuck

Why couldn’t I see that he was out of my league

Fuck

Of course he is dating someone

Fuck you

Of course Kai had to go tell him my feelings for him

Fuck kai

I feel ugly

Fuck

U G L Y

Fuck

More than anything else I don’t want to be alive anymore

Fuck

I want to Overdose

Fuck

I want to slit my throat

Fuck

I want to jump off a cliff

Fuck

The whole world feels suffocating

Fuck

Suffocating me

Fuck

Why do I go for people who are out of my league

Fuck

Out of touch out of reach

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck