It was late and snowing when I was packing for the retreat. I was exhausted and wanted to go to bed because I was leaving early the next morning. I was going through each day's outfits when I realized I didn’t have a dress. I was missing my package of dresses that I had ordered for the retreat. In a panic, I went to the mailbox hoping it was there, but no luck. I looked to check where my package was and it said it had been delivered two days ago. I looked at my front door, garage door, through our pile of mail but it was nowhere to be found. I soon realized that I had sent the package to my stepfather's house. I was beyond frustrated with myself. I left my dad's house to pick up my package. I trucked through the snow storm and finally arrived at my stepfather's house. As I walked in, I loved up my two dogs, Copper and Aspen. It was the first time that I had seen them in a while and all my frustrations went away when I saw them. I spent a couple minutes playing with them, but I had to grab my package and get back home before the snow got too bad. 

What I didn’t realize was that was the last time I was going to see Aspen. On my second day of my trip I received a text message from my mom saying my dog had passed away in surgery due to an intrusive cancer. We didn’t even know she had cancer. I knew my dog was going to go to the vet but it was nothing I was supposed to be worried about. They discovered that she was internally bleeding and although we could have saved her, she would have been in a great deal of pain. It was best to let her go peacefully. 

  I fell to the floor crying and couldn’t stop for the rest of the night. I was heartbroken. When I got home from my retreat I was crying with my mom. We were extremely sad about the loss of my dog. I was so sad that I never got to say goodbye. 

After some time, I had come to realize that my journey of picking up my package was my goodbye. It was a blessing in disguise. I was able to see her when she was still in high spirits and her same goofy self. Although I was extremely frustrated that I had to go get that package, looking back I am so thankful I made that mistake. If it wasn’t for that time, I would not have been able to see Aspen two days before she passed. I believe that I was meant to make that mistake, so I could see my dog one last time. I believe everything happens for a reason. 

Change is all around us and exists in things that are supposed to be unchanging. A tattoo, which the whole point is that it’s permanent, will fade, move, and stretch with time. While it may take thousands of years, the plastics in our landfills will decompose one day. Even old people, who are so resistant to change, are always changing. When discussing the writing prompt with a friend and brainstorming ideas, I mentioned my idea of change being the only constant. They replied, “Except when you’re old. Because when you get old you stop changing and life becomes monotonous.” I thought that was really sad. But also untrue. Old people can have new experiences, foster new friendships, and even find love in their old age. Even in death, the body (or what's left of it) still goes through changes. But for the sake of the argument, let’s say that life is terribly monotonous for an old person in a nursing home, each day is the same as it was before. Change still happens. Your nose and your ears never stop growing. It’s a small change, but a change regardless. It’s enough of a change, that you are never the same person as you were the day before.

This lesson of change being the only constant has become increasingly important lately. It only recently started to hit me that this is the last week of high school. We are on the verge of a huge change. Whether we are going off to college, going to a trade school, taking a gap year, or going straight into the workforce, our lives are changing in a big way (hopefully for the better). I was driving home from the grocery store last night, listening to “Rivers and Roads” by The Head and The Heart, when the realization hit me that in a few weeks, there are people at this school that I will likely never see again. I’d say that that’s fair for most of us. That’s a sad change. It’s a scary change that the people we’ve shared the last four years of our lives with, will no longer be in our lives. But these big changes also signify something exciting, and the beginning of something new. It’s a new season, to plant new flowers, to grow new and interesting vegetables, and to spend some time in the sun. 

    Every single day I try to take as many pictures of nature and its beauty as much as I can. A cool view, a pretty sunset or sunrise, or an exotic animal are things that can make my day and things that I enjoy, so I try to maximize the effect that those things have on my life. This doesn’t apply to everyone though, not everyone will get so excited about the way the sun looks or a breeze at the park. It may be other things like making a three pointer in basketball or making a good catch in football. No matter if you’re the best player at the school or someone just playing for fun, you should let any positive events have an impact on your day because any movement in a positive direction is a good thing. Letting things easily have a positive impact on you will increase your dopamine levels and will help you cope with tougher times better because you have so many things to look forward to in your day.

    If you are someone who truly can’t find something that they are passionate about or that makes them happy in their everyday life, that is OK. Everyone has something that makes them happy, it’s just a matter of when they discover it in their journey in life. Long story short, any size of victory is a victory worth celebrating and any positivity in your life should be milked to its fullest extent. Everyone has a different path in life and not everyone will have the same amount of positives in their day or things to be happy about, but no matter who you are or where you come from, there is always something to be happy about.

    When I was young, my mom would often take me to the park. She still remembers this specific park we went to when I was one. I was a pretty small child so when I insisted on going down the biggest slide at the park, everyone was shocked. I climbed to the top of the playground and stood at the edge of the slide. All of the other mothers at the park were concerned. Sentiments such as: “Who’s baby is that?!” and “She’s too small for that one” echoed around the park. But I sat down and zoomed down the slide, and my mom didn’t stop me. 

    I have never been the person that passed up an opportunity to try something new and exciting. When I was eight I went on a zipline, and when I was 15 I jumped off of a bridge into a river with the encouragement of my grandma. I am extremely afraid of heights. When I was 13 my older cousin invited me to hang out with her friends. They were all older than me and it was a big deal to be invited to hang out with them, at least in my mind. We all went out on this boat that belonged to the oldest one in the group. Once we got to the middle of the lake, he asked if anyone wanted to wake-surf. No one else volunteered, but I wasn’t about to turn down this opportunity. I had never done it before, and I had no idea when I would get the chance again. I was the only one who got in the lake that day. 

    The fall of eighth grade I had the opportunity to try curling. Yes, the Olympic sport with the brooms and rocks. I went to the workshop and once it ended I joined an official youth team. I got shoes and my own broom, and started playing in tournaments with teams from out of state. I even traveled to Seattle for a tournament. My team came in second place, losing the championship game to the other team from my club. 

Sometimes this lifestyle becomes tiring and I occasionally end up kicking myself for getting involved. This past Good Friday I participated in a twenty-one mile pilgrimage from St. Francis Cabrini Catholic Church to Mother Cabrini shrine. I signed up because a few of my friends were doing it. I had also been interested in doing something like it for the past few years, and with college I didn’t know if I would get another chance. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done and I have no desire to do it again. 

    I attempt to live my life in a way that will never allow me to look at my past with regrets or could-have-beens. Although I don’t always end up enjoying the opportunities that I partake in, a majority of the time I have a great time and learn something new. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I have lived my entire life by this principle and I have so many amazing stories from my experiences because of this.

In eighth grade, I was dating Mia Mowers. The relationship wasn’t taken seriously by any of my friends due to the fact that she was my best friend’s twin. Despite others' opinions, we made it work. I would have my grandpa drive me down to Stapleton every weekend, and we would watch movies, go on bike rides and just laugh together. Life was great. Before long, I realized that Mia had my heart, but even with me claiming so my friends disapproved of the relationship. So, without my knowledge, my friends tried to split us up. They sent photos of me with other girls to her, sent fake screenshots of me cheating to her, and told her friends false rumors about me. They tried about anything possible to pin me and her against each other, and it worked. We fought, argued, and cried which eventually led to the end of our relationship. It was about two months later when her twin brother and my best friend, Will Mowers, told and showed me her side of the story. I saw pictures of me with girls that I never talked to more than once, photos of me from before our relationship, texts that were so obviously not my vocabulary, etc. Instantly, I knew it was the kids from my school. The following day I tried talking to the kids from my school. They laughed and jested about the fact we broke up, and I, finally, saw their true colors. They saw my first important relationship as a joke. That was the first time I realized that I was the only one who cared for me. 

Flashforward to the Summer of Junior year, I am about to be a senior in high school. Life is good. One summer night a friend of mine threw a party. Everyone around me was devouring apple juice left and right. They played apple juice pong, took apple juice shots, and even just drank apple juice on the side as they watched others play. If you were there, you drank apple juice. I decided to have some apple juice. Before I knew it, I had lost consciousness and was functioning strictly off of apple juice. I thought I was having fun at the party, until I woke up in the ER. 0.3% of my blood contained apple juice, the fatal amount. My family explained to me that I was found in the middle of the road about two miles away from the party with blood dripping from my almost severed hand. Once capable, I called up my friends to ask what happened and they all responded with, “We saw you run off and couldn’t find you,”. I find out later they never even looked. I am now littered with unknown scars, have a hand that lacks a pulse, and a blank space of what happened that night. This was the second time I was the only one who cared for me.

If I didn’t hand out trust like it was nothing, both of these events wouldn’t have happened. I would’ve known and been in control of both situations, but because I trusted too much I lost vital pieces of myself. I will never let myself lose myself again. I will always stay in control because I am the only one who cares for me.

Life hits hard, and in the moments that it does you have to acknowledge it. Living in the moment allows you to take struggles and hardships that you face and deal with them head on. It helps you realize the importance of them and the effects that they have right now. Things like death, pain, suffering, and sadness will always happen, but these things are not things to be dwelled on, they are things to confront, realize, and overcome. Living in the moment allows you to turn death into a celebration of life. It allows you to take pain and turn it into strength by confronting it. It allows you to face suffering head on. And it allows you to realize the importance of sadness. Just as life has brought hardship, it will always continue to. Living in the moment allows you to not worry about what may happen, but appreciate what is happening right now. The moment you live in will not always be perfect, but you can make the best out of it at any time. You can’t make the best out of the past, and you can’t make the best out of the future. Only the now.

I believe that living in the moment is the greatest thing that one can do for themselves. Having a sense of presence and actuality is essential to well being. I also believe that it is something that does not get taken advantage of. Something as simple as taking a drive and seeing a sunset can become a beautiful moment, but only if one has a sense of presence in that moment. If you’re distracted because you’re worried about the future, or sad about the past, you could miss how beautiful that moment really is. This is not to say that you can’t ever think about the past or the future, because it is important to do so. This is to say that dwelling on those periods in time will never be beneficial, but I believe that taking in the moment always is.

There is a big difference between living in the moment, and just rolling with the punches. These can often be confused. Living in the moment requires presence and a sense of belonging. Rolling with the punches is just taking whatever happens in the moment, saying screw it, and moving on. That can also be unhealthy. You need to realize the importance of every moment, and not just dismiss it, regardless of what the moment might be. Once the moment is gone, there’s no changing it. 

Every moment is precious and I believe that Master Oogway put it best when he said, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, and that’s why it is called the present.”

Life hits hard, and in the moments that it does you have to acknowledge it. Living in the moment allows you to take struggles and hardships that you face and deal with them head on. It helps you realize the importance of them and the effects that they have right now. Things like death, pain, suffering, and sadness will always happen, but these things are not things to be dwelled on, they are things to confront, realize, and overcome. Living in the moment allows you to turn death into a celebration of life. It allows you to take pain and turn it into strength by confronting it. It allows you to face suffering head on. And it allows you to realize the importance of sadness. Just as life has brought hardship, it will always continue to. Living in the moment allows you to not worry about what may happen, but appreciate what is happening right now. The moment you live in will not always be perfect, but you can make the best out of it at any time. You can’t make the best out of the past, and you can’t make the best out of the future. Only the now.

I believe that living in the moment is the greatest thing that one can do for themselves. Having a sense of presence and actuality is essential to well being. I also believe that it is something that does not get taken advantage of. Something as simple as taking a drive and seeing a sunset can become a beautiful moment, but only if one has a sense of presence in that moment. If you’re distracted because you’re worried about the future, or sad about the past, you could miss how beautiful that moment really is. This is not to say that you can’t ever think about the past or the future, because it is important to do so. This is to say that dwelling on those periods in time will never be beneficial, but I believe that taking in the moment always is.

The main instigator of this belief for me was when my Great Granpaw, who I worked for in his garden last summer, passed away. I took the job because I was paid $25 an hour for planting and watering crops, and just talking to my Granpaw. The little moments of me pausing my work, and sitting down with my Granpaw on his chair outside, and just talking with him, is one of the most important memories that I have. Had I not lived that moment, been present, and realized how this job that I had taken on was so much more than that, these moments would never have had the same impact.

Every moment is precious and I believe that Master Oogway put it best when he said, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, and that’s why it is called the present.” Let’s all live the gift of today as we move forward in our lives.

For as long as I’ve lived, Sunday nights have been designated for family dinners around the dining room table. My dad would spend his afternoons making our family a yummy meal that would be gone by the end of the hour. After finishing, we would stay there and talk about whatever subject came up that night. After bouts of silence, my dad would frequently leave us with a few words of wisdom. One that often came up was the question: “what’s one thing you can never get more of?” My sister and I, after hearing the answer over and over again, would respond, “time.” 

At that point in my life, the reality of that lesson wasn’t applicable, but I still thought about it often. When I was a kid, I would scare myself so bad while thinking about how fast-moving time was, that I ended up crying in bed about how little I had left. I reflected on how much had already passed, and how the next 10 years of my life would do the same, and the 10 after that, and the 10 after that, until I would be gone. No one would expect a ten-year-old to have an existential crisis, but there I was.

My existential crises have subsided as the years have gone by, despite the reality of that lesson getting more and more clear. With each birthday that passes, I realize just how old I’m getting. And it wasn’t until I began working at a preschool, that I felt it in full-force. One day, while I was standing out on the playground, it hit me that the kids I watched were born when I was a freshman in high school. While I was figuring out how to navigate the halls of Mullen, they were learning how to crawl. And now, three years later, I had learned the ins and outs of high school, and they learned how to run, dance, and ramble on and on about their brand new shoes. With kids that young, time shows itself much more clearly. This finally allowed me to apply the lessons I had been taught about the value of each second.

Today, as a senior in high school, I’ve said a number of times that each year has gone by so fast. That the time has flown. As college decisions approached, time became something I couldn’t get enough of, and after deciding on where to go and what to do, I am now hopelessly trying to make the best of the time I have left before my future really starts. Before I have to grow up and leave my childhood behind. 

As my final days of true childhood close in, all I can do is look back on my memories and to what lies ahead because, of course, once time is spent, you can’t get it back. I’m unsure of how the rest of my life will play out, but through it all, I know I’ll recognize the importance of each second that passes. Each day, each hour, each second is valuable. I see it now while looking back at the past 18 years I’ve lived, and I see it in the next 10 years I live, and the 10 after that, and the 10 after that. 

People come and go, and unfortunately we don’t get to know who stays and who goes. There have been people in my life that I have chosen to keep my blindfold on even though I knew they were no good. In the moment one gives so many excuses in order to reassure ourselves they are truly meant to be in your life. Just in the past year I have chosen to let go of friendships that have truly only been hurting me. They were only there for the vacations or the food or simply the work I could help them with. I was being used and I refused to accept it. These people never hesitate to let me know that “We will be friends for our whole life” “ You are going to be my children's godmother”. Simple things but that had me looking to my future. I understood that I was the only one making an effort and they were always making excuses. I have chosen to forgive them but not because I believe that they deserve it. The reason why I decided to forgive them was because it would keep my mind at peace. If I could be the bigger person in any scenario believe me I will choose to. It is the way that my parents have raised me. They have always said it is good to forgive but never forget because one learns from one’s mistakes. This has been evident throughout my life. I have learned that not forgiving ends up hurting you more because you don’t forget. Not forgiving is a constant reminder of that person who hurt you and it keeps hurting you defeating the purpose. Ironically it keeps breaking you down when you want to break away and be stronger. 

Reflecting on the fact that we are stronger when we forgive will be a blessing not only to ourselves but other generations as well. I can say that this is being taught to me now by giving me the ability to help my brother forgive. He has been in a “kiddy fight” and him coming to me for advice is the best I can give him. Starting out young with not holding grudges will allow him to grow and be a better person than those who hurt him. 

This is really just a message that our whole society needs to hear as well. Our society turns bitter because they don’t know how to forgive. So if I could leave my imprint in the world I would tell them to forgive others not because they deserve to be forgiven but because you deserve peace and happiness. 

I struggle with finding happiness within myself. But by understanding that I am the only person I truly have in the world has led me to put less emphasis on the emotions of others. I am a super empathetic person which gives great weight to how others are feeling. I just want people to be happy with me even if that is sacrificing my own happiness. I always wanted to be the funny friend or the friend that everyone went to. That was an expectation that could only be fulfilled by others and had nothing to do with me. Of course I can be a good friend and show love to my peers, but how they choose to accept my friendship is completely on them. I have had many failed friendships over the course of my life along with some very successful ones. Both friendships share great differences. At one point I had friends that made me happy, but the happiness began to be chased when I was seeking validation from them. I started to feel like I needed reassurance that they appreciated my friendship. That made me feel very sad as I was already discontent with myself and now my friends didn’t even seem to make me happy. But this taught me something. This taught me that if I were only confident in myself and confident in who I was as a friend then I would not be disappointed if others disagreed. I know I am a good friend and if others cannot appreciate that then they don’t deserve my effort. 

I finally have time. I have time to be happy with myself. By no longer seeking happiness in things outside of myself, I feel like I can finally breathe. I can live without fears of dislike or disappointment. This is true happiness. Being so content with yourself that you get to actually control your life. I struggle with anxiety and depression so the negative isn’t always gone. And that’s life. However, I work my hardest everyday to choose happiness. I now make my decisions regardless of how I think people will perceive them or how they’ll make others feel. I now determine my happiness.

I found a quote that truly depicts the life of someone who seeks happiness in others and that is that, 

“Sometimes you don’t realize you’re drowning when you’re trying to be everyone else’s anchor.” And this I believe.