Our Plan for Today by Jon Taylor

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

jontaylor1 — 2023-08-30 01:19:41 UTC

Anna one, Anna two!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

jontaylor1 — 2023-08-30 21:25:56 UTC

A stick.

What concert costs just 45 cents?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-04 16:06:46 UTC

Fifty-cent with Nickelback.

Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-05 18:21:37 UTC

It was a little horse.

Why are elevator jokes so good?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-07 11:01:06 UTC

They work on so many levels.

What do you call a rude cow?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-07 18:17:20 UTC

Beef jerky.

Where do pirates get their hooks?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-08 18:45:29 UTC

Second-hand stores.

What do you call a beehive with no exit?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-11 18:36:38 UTC

Unbeeleavable.

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-12 18:57:33 UTC

Actually they were cooked in Greece!

If a child refuses to nap it is a crime because they are...

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-13 18:26:03 UTC

Resisting a rest.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-14 18:58:10 UTC

A toothbrush works better.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-15 18:45:42 UTC

The "p" is silent.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-18 18:29:13 UTC

One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.

What do call a person who tells dad jokes but is not a father?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-19 18:20:27 UTC

A faux pa.

What is the least spoken language in the world?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-21 11:20:36 UTC

Sign language.

My son yelled, "Dad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you? I responded...

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-22 11:18:47 UTC

What a strange way to start a conversation...

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the...

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-25 13:56:27 UTC

Pie rates of the Caribbean.

What do you call a fish with two knees?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-26 15:30:14 UTC

A Tu-nee Fish

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-26 18:24:56 UTC

He really made a mint.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-28 11:03:54 UTC

If they flew over a bay they would be bay-gulls.

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night...

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-29 10:46:58 UTC

I woke up exhausted.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

jontaylor1 — 2023-09-29 18:37:31 UTC

Not much, but the flag is a big plus.

Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for...

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-03 11:11:25 UTC

getting a pure bread dog.

You just can't trust stairs...

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-04 11:09:55 UTC

they are always up to something.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-04 18:54:06 UTC

Ayyyeee'Matey!

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-05 18:46:22 UTC

A labracadabrador.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the...

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-10 11:20:46 UTC

refrigerator causing the problem.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-11 11:16:44 UTC

Nobody nose.

It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to...

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-11 18:50:54 UTC

step in a poodle.

Before we work on artificial intelligence, shouldn't we work on...

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-13 10:49:07 UTC

...natural stupidity.

Why are nurses always running out of red crayons?

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-16 10:49:25 UTC

They are often asked to draw blood.

If a pig loses its voice, does it become...

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-17 11:28:43 UTC

disgruntled?

My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said...

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-17 18:25:39 UTC

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be...

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-18 19:00:31 UTC

just water.

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is...

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-20 10:47:24 UTC

where I draw the line.

Why do some couples go to the gym?

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-23 11:01:53 UTC

They want their relationship to work out.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up for itself?

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-24 11:17:41 UTC

It was two-tired.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-25 10:59:59 UTC

It was outstanding in its field.

How do you weigh a millennial?

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-26 11:15:59 UTC

In Instagrams.

Why did the physicist and the biologist break up?

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-26 18:57:30 UTC

They had no chemistry.

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-29 11:59:10 UTC

They are both Paris-sites.

How does Darth Vader like his toast?

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-31 11:04:18 UTC

On the dark side.

Why did the tomato blush?

jontaylor1 — 2023-10-31 18:51:09 UTC

It saw the salad dressing...

What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree?

jontaylor1 — 2023-11-03 11:15:47 UTC

A Cat-astrophe.

I named my two dogs Rolex and Timex, they are both great...

jontaylor1 — 2023-11-05 15:05:58 UTC

watch dogs.

Why can’t you ever run through a campsite?

jontaylor1 — 2023-11-07 12:21:01 UTC

You can only ran past tents (tense).

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?

jontaylor1 — 2023-11-07 20:00:03 UTC

It is either one or the udder.

If you observe a theft taking place at an Apple store, what does that make you?

jontaylor1 — 2023-11-09 12:17:11 UTC

An iwitness.

What did the fish say when he hit a wall?

jontaylor1 — 2023-11-10 11:44:50 UTC

Dam!

A French cheese factory exploded downtown...

jontaylor1 — 2023-11-12 10:22:25 UTC

Da Brie was everywhere.

I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't...

jontaylor1 — 2023-11-13 19:44:00 UTC

Concentrate.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but...

jontaylor1 — 2023-11-15 12:04:03 UTC

You didn't like it.

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

jontaylor1 — 2023-11-24 17:03:41 UTC

An abdominal snowman.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t...

jontaylor1 — 2023-11-27 19:55:10 UTC

make enough dough.

Why should you never trust trees?

jontaylor1 — 2023-11-30 11:57:54 UTC

They are sometimes kind of shady...

In this crazy world, what’s the secret to always staying down to Earth?

jontaylor1 — 2023-12-01 12:20:26 UTC

Gravity.

What does a spy do when they're cold?

jontaylor1 — 2023-12-04 12:13:27 UTC

They go undercover.

Why was the mushroom so popular?

jontaylor1 — 2023-12-05 11:56:41 UTC

He was a fun-gi!

Why don't crabs donate to charity?

jontaylor1 — 2023-12-06 11:56:42 UTC

They are shellfish!

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She...

jontaylor1 — 2023-12-07 11:51:27 UTC

...gave me a hug!

I got pretty good at playing piano by ear, but I found...

jontaylor1 — 2023-12-07 19:05:45 UTC

it is easier if you use your hands.

What do Santa's elves listen to while they are working?

jontaylor1 — 2023-12-09 19:54:01 UTC

Wrap music.

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?

jontaylor1 — 2023-12-11 19:32:14 UTC

The elf-abet.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

jontaylor1 — 2023-12-12 19:52:39 UTC

Nothing, it was on the house.

What does Santa suffer from when he gets stuck in a chimney?

jontaylor1 — 2023-12-14 12:09:40 UTC

Claus-trophobia.

Where do Santa’s reindeer stop for coffee?

jontaylor1 — 2023-12-14 19:31:01 UTC

Star-Bucks!

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

jontaylor1 — 2023-12-16 12:14:32 UTC

A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?

jontaylor1 — 2024-01-08 12:06:03 UTC

It was a melt down.

What has a spine but no bones?

jontaylor1 — 2024-01-08 19:42:48 UTC

A book.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

jontaylor1 — 2024-01-15 21:11:20 UTC

Frost bite.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

jontaylor1 — 2024-01-19 00:20:12 UTC

After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of...

jontaylor1 — 2024-01-19 19:42:28 UTC

Sick Beets!

How do celebrities stay cool?

jontaylor1 — 2024-01-24 01:37:10 UTC

They have so many fans.

I am so worried about the calendar...

jontaylor1 — 2024-01-24 19:31:28 UTC

...it's days are numbered.

Why is swimming with sharks so expensive?

jontaylor1 — 2024-01-25 19:28:38 UTC

It may cost you an arm and a leg.

April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?

jontaylor1 — 2024-01-26 18:13:57 UTC

Pilgrims.

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was...

jontaylor1 — 2024-01-30 00:44:48 UTC

In tents.

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only one letter in it?

jontaylor1 — 2024-01-31 12:08:43 UTC

An envelope.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-01 02:04:24 UTC

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

I entered a pun contest. I submitted 10 of my best puns to see if any would win...

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-04 22:58:03 UTC

No pun in ten did.

What do clouds wear beneath their pants?

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-06 12:23:06 UTC

Thunderpants.

I have an inferiority complex, but...

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-07 11:54:25 UTC

it is not a very good one.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you...

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-07 19:36:10 UTC

will be a mile away and you will still have their shoes!

Why did the ghost go to rehab?

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-08 19:23:29 UTC

He was addicted to Boos.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if...

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-11 19:39:59 UTC

you throw it hard enough.

What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller?

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-12 19:25:25 UTC

Spot.

Which days are the strongest?

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-13 21:39:57 UTC

The "weak-ends".

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to ...

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-15 11:57:55 UTC

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be...

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-18 18:35:17 UTC

the most remarkable!

What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college?

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-21 12:18:09 UTC

Bison!

Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-22 11:29:58 UTC

Too many ears...

Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player? Because to them...

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-22 20:01:56 UTC

Love means nothing.

How can you tell if you have a pine tree or a dogwood tree?

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-23 19:18:04 UTC

By the bark.

I wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I ...

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-26 15:08:46 UTC

couldn't find any.

What does a house wear?

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-28 12:15:08 UTC

A dress.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

jontaylor1 — 2024-02-29 18:31:15 UTC

It got stuck in a crack.

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink?

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-05 11:45:40 UTC

He is now at the hospital waiting to be seen.

I told a joke on a Zoom meeting and no one laughed. It turns out...

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-06 12:06:48 UTC

I am not even remotely funny.

I've been telling people about the benefits of eating dried grapes. You know, I am just...

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-07 12:06:15 UTC

Raisin awareness.

As an American, I'm tired of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think ...

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-08 12:15:00 UTC

Europe is the dumbest country!

I once fell in love with a lady who only knew four vowels. She never knew...

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-08 19:30:12 UTC

I existed.

Did you hear about the man who invented the shovel? Some say his...

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-11 18:32:03 UTC

invention was ground-breaking!

I once swallowed a bunch of synonyms. It gave me...

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-12 18:52:18 UTC

thesaurus throat I ever had.

How do you get 100 math teachers into a room where only 99 fit?

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-14 11:18:14 UTC

You carry the one.

When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused. It must have been...

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-14 18:38:14 UTC

the delivery (of the joke).

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-15 18:23:57 UTC

A satisfactory.

Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? They only permit ...

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-18 18:44:35 UTC

A-low- ha!

When does a joke become a "Dad" joke?

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-20 10:43:13 UTC

When it becomes apparent!

What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing?

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-20 19:09:43 UTC

Something catchy.

What do rabbits need after getting caught in the rain?

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-21 19:33:16 UTC

A Hare dryer.

Why didn’t the invisible man go to the dance?

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-22 18:38:59 UTC

He did not have any body to go with.

What do you call a monster with a high IQ?

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-25 19:13:22 UTC

Frank- Einstein.

Why did the man get fired from the banana factory?

jontaylor1 — 2024-03-27 18:24:15 UTC

He threw out all of the bent ones.

What's the difference between a parent's wallet before and after kids?

jontaylor1 — 2024-04-09 11:18:34 UTC

I got fired from the calendar factory for...

jontaylor1 — 2024-04-10 11:27:23 UTC

taking a couple of days off.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be...

jontaylor1 — 2024-04-11 11:03:21 UTC

my weekend immune system.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other...

jontaylor1 — 2024-04-11 18:17:48 UTC

Does this taste funny to you?

RIP boiled water—you will...

jontaylor1 — 2024-04-12 18:47:16 UTC

be mist.

Why do mathematicians always look so sad?

jontaylor1 — 2024-04-15 19:02:32 UTC

They have a lot of problems.

How do you catch a squirrel?

jontaylor1 — 2024-04-19 11:14:59 UTC

Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

jontaylor1 — 2024-04-22 11:00:23 UTC

They don't have the guts!

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were...

jontaylor1 — 2024-04-22 18:23:11 UTC

...nothing to look at.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then...

jontaylor1 — 2024-04-24 10:53:36 UTC

...it dawned on me.

Why did the old man fall down the well?

jontaylor1 — 2024-04-25 11:30:05 UTC

He couldn't see that well.

What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?

jontaylor1 — 2024-04-28 15:00:09 UTC

The space bar.

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

jontaylor1 — 2024-04-30 10:39:12 UTC

An Orca-Stra!

Why did the nurse decide not to go on to become a doctor?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-01 10:45:15 UTC

She did not have enough patience.

Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-03 11:04:15 UTC

She always ran away from the ball.

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-03 18:19:03 UTC

Fo Drizzle...

Why did the turkey cross the road?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-06 18:50:35 UTC

To prove he was not a chicken.

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-08 10:30:16 UTC

To get to the second-hand store.

What kind of school do you have to drop out of to graduate?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-09 11:32:16 UTC

Paratrooper school.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth to a calf?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-10 11:04:33 UTC

De-Calfinated!

Why should never buy anything with Velcro?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-12 14:17:20 UTC

It is just a rip-off!

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-13 18:23:50 UTC

Beef jerky!

What Irish product do you have on your deck?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-14 18:46:52 UTC

Paddy O' Furniture

Why do cowboys ride horses?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-16 10:44:55 UTC

It is easier than carrying them.

Why do people wear perfume or cologne to church?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-17 14:08:15 UTC

They have to sit in pews.

What do they use frozen band-aids for?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-17 18:40:15 UTC

Cold cuts.

Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-21 11:15:30 UTC

They had a good conductor.

Where did people hang out in the Medieval Times?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-21 18:38:30 UTC

At a knight club!

Why did the rabbit go to the salon?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-23 11:17:37 UTC

It was having a bad hare day.

Why shouldn't you tell jokes to a duck?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-28 10:56:20 UTC

It may quack up!

Why shouldn't you trust trees?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-28 18:24:54 UTC

They are shady!

Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?

jontaylor1 — 2024-05-30 19:12:13 UTC

It was a little hoarse.

Where do sheep go on vacation?

jontaylor1 — 2024-06-03 14:23:20 UTC

The Baaaaa-hamaaaas!

Where do penguins go to vote?

jontaylor1 — 2024-06-03 18:23:06 UTC

The North Poll.

I enjoy telling bad puns. That's just how...

jontaylor1 — 2024-06-05 10:58:10 UTC

Monday, August 26

jontaylor1 — 2024-07-07 11:09:37 UTC