Sometimes, I pray with my feet. 

As a grandson of a dead man, and a grandson of a survivor. 

I have prayed to the hinges, where there once were gates, where he escaped…

his escape from hate, the Nazis’ discrimination, the impending decimation, extermination. and. But.

I stood, where he last stood, where he last saw his mother, 

43 years too old, too old to run. 43. 

7, 17, 1947, “Welcome to America, Berele!” 

My dad would always call. and calls. 

7. 7 years, I was only 7.  

I only remember 7 year old hugs.

And his scent, his accent, how he called my brother Matteu, 

and his lullabies, those bruised BLACK AND BLUE lullabies. 

and I remember that he used to call me his Little Prince. and I was, his. 

I remember, and I don’t…I can’t...I was too young. 

He was not too old. But was he? Too old to run?

I remember, that I have his blood running bleeding coursing through my veins.  And I don’t.

and while I wonder 

and wish 

that he was still HERE - 

What I know about responsibility, and resilience, are relics of what life had taught him, what he taught his son, what his son taught me. Too much, too soon. 

I remember, with my work

I work with pioneers pioneros survivors sobrevivientes immigrants inmigrantes, 

Planting semillas that one day will grow. 

Praying with our pie. 

Sharing palomas de la paz.  

THIS is my work, THIS is our responsibility, 

How do we survive? THIS is how we survive.

 Paul Simon: The sun came out. It was a cloudy day. We thought there was going to be a thunderstorm. And it's a perfect night, in New York City. " 

Our favorite album.  And with my dad's words, the sun DID come out.  It broke open the sky and simultaneously my heart.  And I was washed in the wave of relief.

This relationship wasn’t always bad. In the beginning, we had so much fun. We were in the same class with big dreams and lots of things in common. We were together every day; of course, we were best friends. We’d be best friends forever. Right? Now I know this sounds like a story from when I was a little girl. Maybe 7^th or 8^th grade. When I still believed in “forever”. No, I was a college student, who had zero experience with relationships and navigating life with the opposite sex. In a way, I was a 12-year-old girl dealing with my first crush-- I know now that best friends between guys and girls just don’t work for me. 

The first time I realized that my family gives me strength is when I went through this bad breakup. They showed me who God was in a real tangible way.  It wasn’t a clean break, it was a break up that took months to come to fruition. My family knew I was in a bad relationship but also knew that if they were candid with me, I would withdraw. I spent months crying, trying to hold on and tortured myself. I knew it wasn’t a healthy relationship, but I had always been taught “not to quit”. In this case, these words of wisdom haunted me when it was time to quit. I kept thinking if I work a little harder, and if I changed who I was, it would work out. 

I believe life and death is in the power of your own tongue (Proverbs 18:21). Each day on this earth makes this verse more and more evident in my life. I have seen first-hand the fruits of my own speech.  Hi, my name is Kristin and I choose to see the glass half full at all times. 

 My life is deeply rooted in Christian beliefs and for no other than this reason, I know that words are very powerful. They have the power to make or break you and should be chosen very wisely. You can build yourself up or tear yourself down with words. 

Because of this I choose to declare good things over my life. I declare God’s promises over my life. 

I choose to stay positive regardless of the circumstance. 

Would you believe me if I told you about a year ago I was homeless, jobless, with ONE credit away from my B.S in health sciences? My professor was dissatisfied with my quality of work and therefore refused give me the credit for a class I was retaking. I was ready to throw in the towel and succumb to my new destiny. I had the job opportunity of a lifetime - to become an elementary school teacher and the only thing that was standing in my way was ONE CREDIT. But hey.. that’s my life and I was comfortable with disappointment. I was okay with taking no for an answer and giving up. I lost all hope. 

Thankfully I have been blessed with an amazing ray of light. That ray is none other than Lacora Wood. She has been a huge influence and had such a positive impact on my life. It is because of her that I am where I am today. She helped me turn my cants into cans. She taught me to have hope and to never give up. There will always be a way and it is due to her that I found my way. 

The idea of self efficacy says that if an individual truly believes in something they will be more likely to accomplish that. This quote resonates with me because for a very long time I would give up or lose hope the minute something didn’t go my way. Within this year I learned to never lose hope no matter how many times a door is shut in my face. No will never be an acceptable answer. I believe I will always find a way. 

In some ways my darkest point has become my brightest moments 

I am filled with BIG emotions when I think about the life that I have built.   When I pause and contemplate this thing I have created, it leaves me with feelings of joy, pride, sorrow, regret, trepidation, courage, and energy to recreate it again.  But, that is the wonder of life; it is fluid, it ebbs and it flows.  Life can take your breath away and it can pummel you into pulp.  I am thankful for that movement because, ironically, the fluidity keeps me young, vibrant, and challenged in an exhausting way.  “Exhausting” should not be interpreted as a negative feeling here.  That sense of victory or defeat has brought me growth and development.  It pushes self-evolution towards a stronger, more intellectual, resilient and, perhaps, more forgiving human. 

What does your bucket hold?  Do you even have a bucket?  Does it remain full and weighty because you have not been able to drain it?  Or is your bucket empty because your present life is too chaotic to allow time for self-reflection of long-term goals?  

In a post-apocalyptic world Philip K Dick’s book “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep’ has come to the big screen not once but twice. It is in the second visionary master piece “Blade Runner 2049 “where hope is lost and devastation is high with a primary focus on survival. In this film comes the quote of my year “protect your dreams”. 

I believe in the importance of taking a step back and acting as an outsider to   last time I stopped do a self-reflection I saw how far I have come in many areas of my life. 

I have had a lot of growth in my career and I still strive to push myself forward. I also realized the amount of time and thought put into the positive things I want to pour into my son. I realize that most of my waking moments are always with him in mind and ways I can better myself so I can enrich his life and give him the things I never had and more. I always strive to make myself a better mother. Not just by being present but also by looking for ways I can be someone he can be proud of. 

About five years ago I had two miscarriages, back to back, and to date, the losses were the most substantial of my life.  I journaled while I was grieving which was some relief.  My entries detailed the despair I felt and the loneliness of going it alone.

Fast forward five years later.  I have three beautiful children. So much good has come from what I could only see as bad-  I have been able to talk to and encourage countless women about loss, grief, God, hope and love,   I know my husband better and in a different way than before, and I could go on and on.  In some ways my darkest point has become one of my brightest moments.

 With all this you may think the thing I believe in most is the power or words, or journaling, or hope or love.  And I believe in all that.  But I believe that if I seek to- I will understand things better- by and by.  And I believe that every moment I experience is part of a bigger picture that I have to just wait and live its unfolding importance.

I believe in the power of faith in one’s life. The world is a place filled with opportunities, love, disasters, and heart break. All at once light and dark coexist, while moments change so quickly, making it easy to become lost, or forget where you come from and what your beliefs and values are. One who has faith in their life has as ever present rock to return to, a constant place of retreat. To believe in the God who heals, forgives, and has power over all is to live beyond one’s self.  

To believe is nothing greater then self is to be wrapped up in a small bubble. This small bubble is filled with self, and if something comes and hits this bubble it will pop. Unfortunately so many people today are stuck in these bubbles, floating around and popping and sinking when inevitable life changes, or devastation comes. On the contrary to believe in God and know that this life is so much more the just you, is to be free from a bubble. 

In my life I have faced, challenge, and darkness, and loss. Of course much light as well, celebrations, accomplishments, and love. To ride there feels is that of a roller coaster, up, and down, twisty and fast, then slow, waiting for the drop. I all I were to know if my life was myself and my own worth, I imagine falling hard with the lows, and turns, the loss. 

The most important aspect of human life is change. All living things have been in continuous stages of change and adaptation since the beginning of time. Before change can occur though, one’s perspective must be impacted. One of the best ways to challenge one’s perspective and seek new ones is to travel. I believe that I have changed in positive ways due to my experiences traveling the world, and I know that if I want to continue to grow and improve, I can never stop traveling. When one becomes too comfortable in their day to day existence, it is essential to break the cycle. Anytime I start to feel myself slowing down into a routine, I start planning my next adventure. 

Nature is very important to me because I grew up in a very rural area and had nature all around me. I love sitting by rivers but I also really enjoy floating down them. Fast rivers are fun but slow rivers are very relaxing. I remember one time when I went inner-tubing, I drank some water because I knew I would be thirsty later on. Then I climbed onto my big black inner-tube, got into position and pushed off from the rocky shore. Soon the slow current of the river took control and all I had to do was just hang onto the tube, which was very easy, especially in slow waters. I watched as the trees surrounding the river would slowly make their way past me. Every now and then I would paddle a little or turn my tube if I knew I was about to bump into a large rock in the river. As I float I could feel my skin slowly burning and turning crispy. I knew that I was going to end up bright red with a sunburn after this but it was so worth it. I closed my eyes and relaxed for a few minutes but I made sure not to fall asleep. I remembered the possibly fatal dangers of falling asleep while tubing a river and these kept me awake but still relaxed. The sky is so blue and immense and seemingly unending. It’s also very relaxing to close my eyes and just listen to the soft babble of the water. I could think and reflect on anything I wanted and the sound wouldn’t drown out or disturb my thoughts. It was like a soft soundtrack to my thoughts instead of reflecting in a silent vacuum.  

When I was younger, I thought what tied all these threads together was a desire to give each day my absolute all, to “Give everything, everything.” Now, I think the through line is a desire to be better than I was the day before – an ambition rooted deep in my gut to find a way to improve. 

When I think about where this desire came from, that requires a look at some things I am less than proud of. The reality is, I have made, and continue to make, a lot of mistakes and do the occasional dumb thing. Sometimes it stems from arrogance, sometimes from thoughtlessness, sometimes from more self-destructive tendencies. 

I will never forget a moment from my junior year in college, when these two desires, to improve and to implode, collided and then forced me to change course. 

This I believe… 

I believe that I can be all that I can be for my daughter.  I want her to look at me and see a positive role model and know that I did everything in my power for her to be successful.  I want her to become a strong, educated woman who can survive on her own.  I want to prepare her for when I’m gone.  I don’t want her to suffer or ever feel as if she can’t make it on her own or she can’t take care of herself.  I want her to live life to the fullest with no regrets.  I believe she can do whatever she wants in life. 

I see her finishing her education and enjoying life.  I see her taking all of life lessons and learning from them.  I see her being ok without me.  I believe she will be ok without me. 

Where is this all coming from, I lost my mom and felt like my life was over.  I was living day by day on the outside looking like everything was ok, but on the inside, I was broken.  God blessed me with my daughter because He knew it was the only thing that would save my life.  She’s nine now and it has been my mission to make sure she will be able to survive when I am gone.